If having kids is so awful, why do we do it?

[Lilybow]

Pregnant with my first and in my third trimester. The majority of things other mums tell me are:

"You think you're tired now, you will have a shock when baby is here"
"You and your husband will never go out together alone again"
"Your social life is gone"
"Baby will demand your attention 24/7 and you will be desperate for 5 mins to yourself"
"Hardest thing you'll ever do"
"I hope your baby doesn't have colic, you don't want that"

I'm not under any illusions that parenthood will be easy, and i know my life will change, but I'll be honest I'm pretty terrified as apart from the occasional "oh how exciting" comment, people keep telling me how hard/boring/exhausting it is and how my life is over.
I need some reassurance that my life isn't over and it's not that horrific.

I’m very happily child free by choice, but I do sort of understand why women choose to have their first child. Broodiness (whatever that means), conforming to social norms, family pressure / expectations etc etc.

BUT, the thing I will never understand is, if parenthood really is the total, endless fucking nightmare that people moan about, why on earth do they then choose to have more children? That makes absolutely no sense to me.

Ignore them!! I'd never say any of those to a pregnant friend, I'd want to give them a boost and say positive things. 3rd trimester is hard, I couldn't wait to not be pregnant anymore, honestly after my first baby I felt so well and so happy to no longer be pregnant! My hip pain went immediately and I could lay comfortably again! No more multiple trips to the bathroom during the night too.

@MurmuratingStarling

Gotta love the way the child-free seem to be able to go on about how wonderful their life is, and how free they are do everything they want, and how they can just travel all over the world at the drop of a hat, etc etc.. They act like anyone with children can't possibly do ANYthing, that their lives are stunted or broken, and boring and full of drudgery. And their relationships go tits up as soon as babies come along.

Yeah - it's OK for the child-free to bash and berate mothers, but God FORBID you say anything about THEM. Oh no no no, that is NOT allowed! All I said was I feel sorry for them, because I do, as I can't imagine life without my children in it. They are gifts and they are precious to me. It's just my opinion.

And I clearly hit a raw nerve with @AnIconOfImperfections and @RoseIsGold and several others, according to the ludicrously sarcastic and spiteful remarks aimed at me PURELY because I said having children made me a better person.. Yes I AM a better person for having children.

My life was good and I was still a good person before I had them, but my life is SO much better for having them, and I became a better person because I started to put people before myself; a thing I never did when I was child-free. Why are several posters so upset and offended by me saying having children made me a better person? You are taking this very personally, and getting rather angry about it. Why???

I feel for women with no children, also, because I know 4 women - now 50-64 y.o with no children, and they are the loneliest people I know. They had a great career, lots of travel (which, SHOCKER you can have with children too!!!) and they were married. (Now divorced or widowed,) and now they have no-one. Their parents have passed away, and 2 of them are 'only childs' with no siblings, and 2 have a sibling they never see.

It really hits home on Mothers Day when the mothers are showered with flowers and gifts and visitors, (children grandchildren, and great grandchildren,) and these child-free women have no-one. Same with Christmas and birthdays. No-one.

I am sure the child-free women on here have just OOOODLES of people in their lives, and are always drinking, dancing, and travelling, and living their best life, but as I said, I do know some women who are child-free who are incredibly lonely. (Lockdown was a killer.)

And it's not really going to change. They won't have children at 55+ and they will very likely not find another man. A couple of them have been trying to find a man for 4-5 years, but there is really no-one out there for women aged 55-60+ No-one worth bothering with anyway

SO yeah I feel sorry for them. So shoot me! That is just my opinion. Wouldn't bother you unless I hit a raw nerve, and came a bit close to the bone. There's no need to be so bloody rude to me, I AM entitled to say I feel sorry for them, and having kids made me a better person, without being berated for it, just as YOU are entitled to say mummies having dull and boring lives full of drudgery, which you child-free always say!

I'm out. Coz clearly I hit a raw nerve with the child-free! And some of you really don't sound very nice at all. I will leave you to your vitriol.

Hiding the thread now. Have a good day.

If you think this post proves you are a better person for having had children you are sadly mistaken. The irony.

If you think this post proves you are a better person for having had children you are sadly mistaken. The irony.

Wow. That was horrible, and embarrassing to read.

@babyjellyfish

If you think this post proves you are a better person for having had children you are sadly mistaken. The irony.

Wow. That was horrible, and embarrassing to read.

No shit. Thanks for dropping by from the darker recesses of my grandmother's brain, @MurmuratingStarling. PS: most of the desperately lonely unvisited elderly have DC. P.P.S: of course the childfree can travel, move continents, etc much more easily than me and my DC, and good for them.

MurmuratingStarling I can't help but be curious about in what way you became a better person?

And sure those women's lifes seem pitiable indeed but there are ptiable people with children too... pitiable people with abusive husbands... ptiable people all round. Nothing in life is a certainty and not all who were annoyed with youyr first comments were child-free. In fact the comment s OP speaks off were from people who had children.

Time for a name change methinks. The vipers are clearly out to rip me apart FOR MY OPINIONS that they simply don't like!!! It's OK for mothers to be berated, but GOD FORBID you say a SINGLE non-positive THING about the child free. Such massive hypocrisy! Utterly shameful. Nothing at ALL wrong with my post, other than a few home my opinions and my views. I know how some posters hold a grudge on here though, so you won't see me again under this name.

Toodle pipski.

Other than a few home truths and my opinions!

And now I really AM going. And hiding the thread now. Carry on with your berating me. IDGAF.

@babyjellyfish

If you think this post proves you are a better person for having had children you are sadly mistaken. The irony.

Wow. That was horrible, and embarrassing to read.

It was deliciously cringy. And we can all have our opinions. I am heartened to see folks calling it out though.

Some people do improve by having children.
Not saying those who don't never do.
It just for some people it does.
Nothing wrong with that.

@Cosmos123

Some people do improve by having children. Not saying those who don't never do. It just for some people it does. Nothing wrong with that.

I don't think people have a problem with that as a concept. They have a problem with someone saying they're a much better person now and then spouting a load of judgy bullshit.

@MurmuratingStarling

Other than a few home truths and my opinions!

I think a few of us are wondering exactly how bad a person you were before, if motherhood has made you a better person.

Hardest thing I’ve ever done but also the best. I wouldn’t change it but I think realistically I need to stop at 2 and know my limits. I desperately want another but that’s a heart over head thing.

@Lilybow

I don't think it helps that I'm so exhausted at the moment, I've never been so tired and I'm feeling drained and sick from how tired I am to the point of tears. And everyone telling me that I'm going to feel worse has sent me in a panic :(

I feel for you. It was such a relief to not be pregnant when i gave birth to each of mine.

Best thing I ever did, yes it can be tiring but so can other things, I am so glad I was able to be at home with them, I have the best memories, we did so much. I was never lonely or sad, next thing to look forward to ard grandchildren, I can't wait.

You have to remember, people are more likely to tell you the bad points/negatives etc then all the many good points. It's the same on MN.

I really love being a mum and my dc brings me endless amounts of joy.
My dh and I feel very grateful.

Enjoy motherhood as much as you can op, the years go by too quickly.

@Andgettingcaughtintherain

I don’t want children and all I get told is it’s magical, you never know joy like it, your life isn’t in colour until you have kids, you become a brand new person, you’ll know what love is when you have kids, you’ll never be lonely again, you see the world as brand new, you never worry about anything again, every day will have wonder and similar.

Everyone I’ve ever known who has said they wanted kids/got pregnant get what you get! Utterly bizarre.

I got "I'd rather be dead than unable to have kids". Person knew I'd nearly died and required a full hysterectomy to save my life.

People can be awful about this. I don't know why all the people who talk like this to childless people can't take their odd brand of positivity and help new mothers with it instead.

People can be awful about this. I don't know why all the people who talk like this to childless people can't take their odd brand of positivity and help new mothers with it instead.

I think some people's sense of self worth is derived from feeling that they have done things better than others, so they get more satisfaction from telling someone who doesn't have the things they have that they have made bad life choices, than they do from telling someone who has the same things they have that they have made good life choices.

@Moody123

It's just different, your life will never be the same again, but it's not a bad thing... everything just shifts... It is hard, tiring and horrible and a lot of poop at times, but it's also fun and happy and sloppy kisses at times too ...(just like how life used to be!)

I agree with this. Having children is the hardest thing I've ever done, but also the best thing. I loved the baby stage, hated the toddler stage but DD1 is 5 now and a dream. They really are little for such a short space of time, when you're in the thick of it with sleepless nights/feeding issues/toddler tantrums you feel it's never ending but then somehow you blink and you're through that stage and onto the next.

So yes, it can be hard.....so hard. But it also can be amazing, hilarious and then often just ok. And all being well I'll know them as adults for far longer than they'll be children so I do try and remember that it's just a phase when I'm in the middle of a tricky bit.

I've also made some of my best friends through having children so I'm glad for that as it was having kids that brought those people into my life (through baby groups and through school.)

The defensiveness on this thread is like no other

I thought most people got really excited about first babies - hence why is it such a disappointment when no one seems excited when you are pregnant with your second baby! I think there’s a weird human nature thing about knocking people off balance if they seem too confident or comfortable. So, when someone says they are excited to meet their baby, they get some response about how hard it will be. The time around my first baby was magical. All of it. Yes, it was hard, yes I was (very) tired, but I had been expecting that, you know, because I was having a baby and I know what a baby is. I had shitty parents and so was expecting it to be hard to love my children - that seemed like something that was hard to do. Am still taken aback by how much I love and need the little buggers. They are utterly awesome.

By the time I had my first, at 28 - old for a first timer then! - I honestly didn’t give a toss about nights out any more - been there, done that. We did still manage the odd evening, but I certainly didn’t miss or crave my old social life.

I found new motherhood a piece of cake, but admittedly she was a very easy baby. A lot will depend IMO on whether you get a reasonably good sleeper. My 2nd was not quite so easy at first, and had classic 3 months colic, but it still wasn’t anything I couldn’t easily cope with.

Having a child is 100x harder than I could have imagined, BUT DD is brilliant and I love her more than anything & love having her in my life.

I still have a life outside motherhood, I still do my hobby and work. But we decided to stick at one child, and I have a supportive DH which makes that possible. I definitely don’t think I’d enjoy having 2/3 or more kids. But i love having DD.