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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If having kids is so awful, why do we do it?

301 replies

Lilybow · 27/03/2022 12:36

Pregnant with my first and in my third trimester. The majority of things other mums tell me are:

"You think you're tired now, you will have a shock when baby is here"
"You and your husband will never go out together alone again"
"Your social life is gone"
"Baby will demand your attention 24/7 and you will be desperate for 5 mins to yourself"
"Hardest thing you'll ever do"
"I hope your baby doesn't have colic, you don't want that"

I'm not under any illusions that parenthood will be easy, and i know my life will change, but I'll be honest I'm pretty terrified as apart from the occasional "oh how exciting" comment, people keep telling me how hard/boring/exhausting it is and how my life is over.
I need some reassurance that my life isn't over and it's not that horrific.

OP posts:
Notanotherwindow · 27/03/2022 16:52

Stockholm syndrome

Mysterioso · 27/03/2022 16:54

Because things don't have to be easy and nice and lovable and good for me to want to do them.
Too much disney-ification of life these days to find happy.

Sometimes things suck and we know we want to do them anyway.

Fritilleries · 27/03/2022 16:56

My child has just smashed his doctors toy case. I just love the sound of unbridled rage while I'm having a bath.

Coyoacan · 27/03/2022 17:11

I really enjoyed my baby and all the stages of my dd's childhood and she wasn't a particularly easy baby. I felt that I had to live for the moment as she was growing so quickly.

EmeraldShamrock1 · 27/03/2022 17:15

The good moments outweigh the bad moments by millions.

It is a unbreakable bond that is overpowering.

I've had days thinking wtf this is relentless but most of the time caring for their needs above mine makes me happy knowing their life is a safe and happy one.
I love to see them smiling.

1forAll74 · 27/03/2022 17:15

It's not hard and stressful when you have children, even a new baby, It is a change in your life style. that you have to go along with, presumably because you wanted to have a child/children. Its not going to kill you,if you have sleepless nights with unsettled babies,, and that you feel tired quite a lot, its not going to harm you, if you can't do the same things that you did before having a child whatever. The child becomes your life style then, for quite some time,which should be a joy.

I know quite a few youngish Mothers, who get frazzled, but they don't seem to get organised properly with their babies and small children,, as in routines to follow. etc..maybe because some are always glued to phones, and Tv all day long..

cereallover · 27/03/2022 17:18

I never wanted kids. I have 1 ds and I admit I hated it at first being a parent but now I love it. I get to spend all my time with him and as he's getting older and able to interact more it's great. No one tells you that you won't be able to hold your farts in for a few weeks though after labour.

Chasingaftermidnight · 27/03/2022 17:29

Like most things in life it’s impossible to make any universal observations about parenting. No two parents have an identical experience and there are so many many variables. It’s a bit like saying ‘being married is great’ or ‘living in London is rubbish’. They’re experience-based statements.

But I will say that in my experience I found being working and being heavily pregnant much more exhausting than having a newborn.

I’ve also found parenting to be about 60% pure unadulterated joy and 40% drudgery, exhaustion, guilt, worry and frustration. I wouldn’t change it though.

ChiaraRimini · 27/03/2022 17:42

We had a brilliant baby book given to us by the midwife when I was expecting my first.
It said something like "newborn and toddler years are hard but if your marriage survived them you'll probably be ok until they hit teenage years"
Confused
Reassuring!

EV117 · 27/03/2022 17:46

I know quite a few youngish Mothers, who get frazzled, but they don't seem to get organised properly with their babies and small children,, as in routines to follow. etc..maybe because some are always glued to phones, and Tv all day long..

I’m neither young nor old for a mum I think, late 20s when I had my first - I met both younger and older mums when I first had my youngest and I’d say it was the older ones who seemed to find it harder. Which I could understand. When you’re older you’ve had more time to become accustomed to doing what you like when you like and it’s probably more of a shock to the system when that is taken away. My younger counterparts seemed to adapt much better - and probably had more energy because they were younger! I felt a mixture of both.

DaisyWaldron · 27/03/2022 17:51

Being hard doesn't mean not being rewarding or enjoyable. When I look back on my life, some of the best things have come from doing difficult, boring, unrewarding at the time work. And motherhood definitely falls into that category. It's one of the toughest things I've ever done, and it has had serious long-term negative consequences in all sorts of ways, but it has also been fun, and transformative, and full of love and joy and pride. If I'd known what it was actually like beforehand, I don't think I would have have done it, not because the bad stuff didn't outweigh the good but because I wouldn't have believed that I could cope with the tough stuff. But it turns out that actually, I was more capable than I believed, so I got the good stuff too, and don't regret it in the slightest.

CounsellorTroi · 27/03/2022 17:56

I know this wont go down well with some, but I actually feel a bit sorry for women who don't have children. I can't imagine a life without mine. Becoming a mother made me a better person.

This says more about you and the paucity of your imagination than it does about women who don’t have children.

Lindy2 · 27/03/2022 17:58

It is hard work and your life changes a lot. However, it is immensely rewarding.

Our lives changed a lot - but we liked the changes.

We used to eat out a lot and go abroad quite often. It changed to takeaways and days out to the zoo or softplay and holidays in Cornwall. We were ready for that change and being with our children was what became most important and enjoyable.

Yes, when you're sleep deprived or your toddler is having a screaming fit in the supermarket, you'll think WTF happened but mostly of the time you'll be just fine.

Ignore the moaners and those with doom and gloom stories. I've never understood why people do that. You'll find your own way.

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

HardbackWriter · 27/03/2022 18:08

The thing is, both the pros and cons are real. But the cons - things like the loss of sleep, the restrictions on your social life - are tangible, easily explained to and understood by someone who hasn't had a child and very socially acceptable to discuss. The pros - the amazing, overwhelming love, the joy, the pride - are intangible and you would be an utter twat to start publicly spouting off about them. Having my two children was the absolute best decision I've ever made and I would make it again every time.

MajorCarolDanvers · 27/03/2022 18:12

Having children is awesome not awful.

konasana · 27/03/2022 18:17

Honestly it's not that bad. Objectively, saying those things to a pregnant woman is unhelpful and pointless. So when people do, it's only for their own benefit, not yours. Sometimes I wonder if it's people really struggling, hoping that someone else finds it hard too so they feel less alone.

If your DH pitches in, there's no reason why you can't be rested and have time to yourself even with a baby.

purpleme12 · 27/03/2022 18:17

I have no idea anymore

OfstedOffred · 27/03/2022 18:20

Lots of people quite like it.

Not every minute of it, no. But I absolutely adore my children and love being their mum.

catwomando · 27/03/2022 18:22

Having kids is one of the best things I've ever done. The love is overwhelming and wonderful.

There is offers of fun. Fascination in watching them grow and develop. Cuddles and snuggling galore. Playing, tickles, meals together , art to be made, mud pies to be sloshed, stories to be shared. And eventually you can drink gin with them Grin

Yes there are hard bits but they pale into insignificance and as with all things of you go in with a positive mindset you'll get far more out of it.

Relax, enjoy the ride and the ups and downs. There's nothing quite like the privilege of parenthood. Smile

Fredstheteds · 27/03/2022 18:23

It’s very different - you can’t pop here or there as free and easy as you used to. Sleep or lack of it is hard but it doesn’t last for long. Would I change it- not for the world , best thing that ever happened to us. Nearly 3 year old and 9 week twins to be...

HarlanPepper · 27/03/2022 18:26

I don't think having kids is awful? It hasn't been a cakewalk, and I'm not exactly mum of the year, but I'm not sure who you think you're speaking for here.

neverbeenskiing · 27/03/2022 18:30

I don’t know why anyone would feel the need to do it all again when you’ve already experienced it once already especially if you found it hard and struggled with sleep deprivation, lack of social life, etc….could anyone enlighten me??

In my case, if I'm being really honest, the primary motivator was probably guilt. DD was desperate for a sibling and begged for one pretty much from the time she could talk. Although he would never pressured me because he's not a dick, I knew DH was longing for another, although he tried his best to convince me he was fine with stopping at one. It seemed selfish somehow to deny them. Also I am an only child myself and I suppose I have mixed feelings about it. It didn't bother me much when I was a child, because I didn't know any different. But as I've gotten older, lost loved ones, and become more aware of the fact that my parents won't be around forever, I have definitely had times where I've wished I had siblings. I think that probably made me more susceptible to guilt and societal pressure around needing to 'give' my child a sibling. It's ridiculous really, since it would never occur to me to judge anyone else for having an only child but there you go.

I adore both my DC, and they have a wonderful bond (despite the typical sibling squabbles that drive me up the wall at times), so on balance it's worth it. But there's no question that life would be a million times easier if we'd stopped at one. We definitely won't be having anymore let's put it that way!!

velvet24 · 27/03/2022 18:34

People have the first because they want a child and have no idea what lays ahead, then they tend to have another so the first one is not alone and lonely?

velvet24 · 27/03/2022 18:35

Can i add once they get to teens you really start to question why ........

HardbackWriter · 27/03/2022 18:39

I don’t know why anyone would feel the need to do it all again when you’ve already experienced it once already especially if you found it hard and struggled with sleep deprivation, lack of social life, etc….could anyone enlighten me??

Because I found it hard but completely worth it the first time. I was dreading the newborn stage with DS2 because I hadn't enjoyed it with DS1 - as it turned out he was a much easier baby and it was lovely and I discovered why some people like it (though it's still not my favourite bit). But I was prepared for it to be awful and ok with that because I knew that I found other bits so incredible that the hard bits were prices I was willing to pay.

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