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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should have I expected a compliment back?

133 replies

Mamas123 · 26/03/2022 20:55

So I complimented my bf tonight which he liked and commented back but I was expecting a compliment back? When I asked where's my compliment (in a non serious way) he replied that he couldn't think of one????

I had then said that's rather rude he can't think of one compliment for me - plus he had forgotten to let me know he got on his weekend away safely (he told me he would).

AIBU to expect this back? We've had issues with his lack of comfort and attention. We've been together 5 years. Planed a wedding, children etc. told him that it really affects my self esteem when he says no to cuddles/sex etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mamas123 · 26/03/2022 20:56

Just to add. He replied that he's had a few drinks and being dragged on the dance floor with his toddler aged nephew

OP posts:
Ionlydomassiveones · 26/03/2022 20:58

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

TeddyBeans · 26/03/2022 20:58

Does he ever compliment you randomly? I'd find that more sincere than thinking up a random compliment just because one was said to me

Original poster
Mamas123 · 26/03/2022 20:58

I said it should be easy to say a compliment back and that's just an excuse about the drinks?

OP posts:
Thumpkin · 26/03/2022 20:58

A compliment which is an automatic reply isn’t a compliment. It’s politeness. I’d rather have a spontaneous and sincere one. That’s not the issue here: it’s that you feel he doesn’t give you attention or make you feel desired. Have you felt like this with any other partners or is it just him? Are you generally quite secure and confident, just not with him?

Original poster
Mamas123 · 26/03/2022 20:59

@TeddyBeans he used to compliment me all the time at the start. But no he kinda fizzled out the compliments and love

OP posts:
TestingTestingWonTooFree · 26/03/2022 21:00

A spontaneous compliment is worth more than a forced one. Do you really want him to have sex with you if he doesn’t want to? Your boyfriend is not responsible for your self esteem.

Original poster
Mamas123 · 26/03/2022 21:00

@Thumpkin only him. I've never had issues like this before with previous partners

OP posts:
Original poster
Mamas123 · 26/03/2022 21:02

@TestingTestingWonTooFree he never compliments me... and sex wise he will go months without having sex with me. He did cheat on me last year which is where my lack of self esteem with him has gone which he knows of

OP posts:
OutlookStalking · 26/03/2022 21:03

Do uou give compliments just to get one back? That seems very transactional

Has he got a complete rulebook?

Original poster
Mamas123 · 26/03/2022 21:03

@Ionlydomassiveones I think your comment was a bit uncalled for tbh.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 26/03/2022 21:03

He cheated on you but you’re more worried he couldn’t fake a compliment? Confused

LoganberryJam · 26/03/2022 21:04

I think the cheating is the real issue here OP.

EinsteinaGogo · 26/03/2022 21:05

Can you give a bit of background, OP, this is a bit abstract.

Tell us more about where you are, where he is, and the conversation .

Original poster
Mamas123 · 26/03/2022 21:06

@OutlookStalking no but as we've been having issues I thought it would be nice to have a compliment now and again back

OP posts:
Blueeilidh · 26/03/2022 21:06

Yabu

Original poster
Mamas123 · 26/03/2022 21:09

@EinsteinaGogo I'm at home with children, he's away with family. We've had issues as he cheated last year and been lazy in the relationship since. We're trying to give things a go again but I feel I'm doing all the giving and he's not giving back if that makes sense?

OP posts:
OutlookStalking · 26/03/2022 21:10

Your OP is a bit weird and expecting tansactional compliments is odd.

However it looks like you have bigger problems. You're not compatible secually and he cheats on you - why are you with him!?

Iwassonaive · 26/03/2022 21:10

[quote Mamas123]@TestingTestingWonTooFree he never compliments me... and sex wise he will go months without having sex with me. He did cheat on me last year which is where my lack of self esteem with him has gone which he knows of[/quote]
LTB

GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 26/03/2022 21:10

So much to unpack here OP.

So, in order of your post:
You don't give a compliment to get one back. The correct response to a compliment is 'thank you' imo.

If I said 'oh, I love your hair!' and you responded 'thanks, your dress is nice!' I'd think that was really insincere and you just mentioned the first thing that popped into your head!

Next: don't try to guilt trip someone into having sex with you. If he's not in the mood, then it's OK for him to say no. Just like he doesn't get to guilt trip you into sex you don't want.

Onto more heavy hitting stuff. I recognise your username. This is an off and on again relationship that has gone from serious, to you not even being sure if you're in a relationship, yes? The whole thing sounds toxic, and every time you post it sounds more like he's checked out but hasn't got the balls to tell you it's over, and is just hoping you take the hint! He sounds not worth the angst. Even his family have stopped inviting you to stuff, you said? I think you're flogging a dead horse with this one, I'm afraid.

IsDaveThere · 26/03/2022 21:11

So was this an actual conversation that you were having face to face, in person? Or something you posted on social media where he liked your comment but didn't write a compliment back?

PutinIsAWarCriminal · 26/03/2022 21:13

We've had issues as he cheated last year and been lazy in the relationship since.
Then its over. From the first post I thought you were being a bit hard work in fishing for compliments, but the updates tell that you are just looking for reassurance, which in the circumstances is understandable. He isn't being faithful and he is working on improving the relationship.

timeforteaforyouandme · 26/03/2022 21:14

You're complaining that he doesn't notice you, it's not really the lack of compliment

queenmeadhbh · 26/03/2022 21:23

OP this is the weekend away for Mother’s Day that you weren’t invited on that you posted about before, isn’t it?

I believe a compliment should be genuinely and freely given so no, it is not a bad thing that he didn’t “compliment you back”.

However you are once again focusing on a verb tiny detail when the issue is that this relationship is not working! He moved in with his sister ffs!

Original poster
Mamas123 · 26/03/2022 21:29

@IsDaveThere through messages

OP posts: