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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should have I expected a compliment back?

133 replies

Mamas123 · 26/03/2022 20:55

So I complimented my bf tonight which he liked and commented back but I was expecting a compliment back? When I asked where's my compliment (in a non serious way) he replied that he couldn't think of one????

I had then said that's rather rude he can't think of one compliment for me - plus he had forgotten to let me know he got on his weekend away safely (he told me he would).

AIBU to expect this back? We've had issues with his lack of comfort and attention. We've been together 5 years. Planed a wedding, children etc. told him that it really affects my self esteem when he says no to cuddles/sex etc.

OP posts:
Rosebuud · 26/03/2022 21:30

This is all so very odd.

He cheated you stayed. You give compliments just to get them back when you don’t you actually asked him for a compliment.

Is there any part of this makes you cringe?

EinsteinaGogo · 26/03/2022 21:30

That sounds really rough, OP.

I guess you are still wanting and needing to be valued and made to feel respected (rightly so).

Cheating, and not falling over yourself to make amends and prove your worth doesn't sound like someone you should put too much faith in, sadly.

Mycatisfabulous · 26/03/2022 21:30

@Ionlydomassiveones

You should give him a script next time and he can recite it to your satisfaction.
Agree. Op you sound ridiculous
Original poster
Mamas123 · 26/03/2022 21:31

@PutinIsAWarCriminal yes I knew this which is why I told him to leave... he then said he wanted to make a go of things so we are taking it slow but the lack of compliments or forgetting to message me is really knocking my self esteem and with pure relationship. I feel he doesn't show that he does want to make it work but he says he does but isn't showing it that well? I'm so confused tbh

OP posts:
Greenpolkadot · 26/03/2022 21:32

OP you sound hard work. I shouldnt think he will hang around for too long

Rosebuud · 26/03/2022 21:33

But how is asking him to compliment you going to help your self esteem? It would absolutely kill mine, it’s the lowest of the low. It’s bad not getting one, but sitting asking him to pay you a compliment is just so embarrassing and awful.

EinsteinaGogo · 26/03/2022 21:33

@Mycatisfabulous

She doesn't sound ridiculous.

She sounds sad, she sounds hurt, she sounds vulnerable, she sounds in need of self esteem.

None of these thing resolve overnight.

Are you really so harsh?

Original poster
Mamas123 · 26/03/2022 21:34

@Mycatisfabulous ok maybe I shouldn't be bothering with him then as I can't have a bf who does not show or tell me that they actually like me... I wouldn't be friends with someone who doesn't like me or if it was all one way so fine I'm ridiculous so I won't bother with trying with him as I don't get that back

OP posts:
Original poster
Mamas123 · 26/03/2022 21:35

@EinsteinaGogo thank you

OP posts:
Tsuni · 26/03/2022 21:36

How much worse is this drip feed going to get?

Luredbyapomegranate · 26/03/2022 21:36

Just get shot of him.

I think you also need to work on your self esteem, compliments can’t be transactional.

Original poster
Mamas123 · 26/03/2022 21:36

@Greenpolkadot ok I am ridiculous in thinking you should show love to one another in a relationship? I guess I've got love wrong and it is just being with someone for the sake of being with someone and having a loveless relationship

OP posts:
Original poster
Mamas123 · 26/03/2022 21:38

@Luredbyapomegranate I understand compliments are transactional. I totally get that. It's just when he fishes for compliments I always give it... when I fish for one which isn't often tbh I don't get one back or he makes a silly funny comment?? He is quite childish and never serious with me tbh

OP posts:
tkwal · 26/03/2022 21:39

You're feeling insecure because he cheated and has since had little interest in having sex with you. I understand how you feel about the failure to return the compliment and I think your insecurity is justified. It sounds like he has lost interest in you but it could be that he feels so guilty about cheating that he doesn't feel worthy of you.
Just out of interest, if he's at a wedding and you are partners why aren't you with him ?I know for budget reasons some people don't invite partners to the main "do" but what about the evening ?

Silverclocks · 26/03/2022 21:40

You've got an awful lot of issues with him.

And if he's on the dancefloor with his nephew, why aren't you there?

Original poster
Mamas123 · 26/03/2022 21:41

@Rosebuud it wasn't sitting there asking for a compliment. He had fished for a compliment so I gave him one.. he lol. Then I asked where's mine lol and he said he couldn't think of one lol??

OP posts:
Kite22 · 26/03/2022 21:41

@Ionlydomassiveones

You should give him a script next time and he can recite it to your satisfaction.
This ^

That really isn't how compliments work you know.

However , with all the drip feeds, I don't think someone who is away, in the middle of a party, dancing with his nephew having had a few drinks not realising there are strange rules to your dating game is the main issue in this relationship.

Rosebuud · 26/03/2022 21:42

[quote Mamas123]@Greenpolkadot ok I am ridiculous in thinking you should show love to one another in a relationship? I guess I've got love wrong and it is just being with someone for the sake of being with someone and having a loveless relationship [/quote]
But that’s not ridiculous, what’s wrong is you can’t be sitting there asking him to compliment you when he’s no desire to do so, he can’t even think of a compliment.

That’s not you showing love to one another, that’s you sitting there with some dude who cheats on you being a bit desperate.

EinsteinaGogo · 26/03/2022 21:42

@Mamas123

You haven't got love wrong.

You might have picked the wrong partner though, sadly.

It's really hard to see clearly when you're in the midst of turmoil and all this awful anxiety.

Do you have people in real life you can speak to?

ProudThrilledHappy · 26/03/2022 21:44

On your last thread all of the advice was to see this man was not good for you and walk away with your head held high. Why are you still dragging it out with him?

Original poster
Mamas123 · 26/03/2022 21:45

@Kite22 there's no rules to our relationship... he said he wanted to give things a go after I had said I had enough of the cheating laziness etc. I said we would take it slow. He said he would show me how sorry he is for the way he treated me etc. but all that's happened is me planning our next date and giving him compliments when he fishes for them. I don't get anything from him? So I'm a bit upset that I won't get a compliment back and I'm just laughed at when I for once fished for one back

OP posts:
OutlookStalking · 26/03/2022 21:46

So what are you going to do? Are uou going to end it?

Rosebuud · 26/03/2022 21:47

Oh, I’ve just read your other threads, your issues are much bigger than the fact he doesn’t want to compliment you op. Poor you. Why are you sticking with it?

Original poster
Mamas123 · 26/03/2022 21:47

@Rosebuud I don't want to be desperate. I told him to go and wanted to end things a while ago... he begged for me back and said things would change etc but it just feels like I'm being used for his ego while damping me self esteem down time and time again

OP posts:
HeArInGhandsgirl11 · 26/03/2022 21:48

It's nice to get a compliment but I don't give them to receive....