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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should have I expected a compliment back?

133 replies

Mamas123 · 26/03/2022 20:55

So I complimented my bf tonight which he liked and commented back but I was expecting a compliment back? When I asked where's my compliment (in a non serious way) he replied that he couldn't think of one????

I had then said that's rather rude he can't think of one compliment for me - plus he had forgotten to let me know he got on his weekend away safely (he told me he would).

AIBU to expect this back? We've had issues with his lack of comfort and attention. We've been together 5 years. Planed a wedding, children etc. told him that it really affects my self esteem when he says no to cuddles/sex etc.

OP posts:
Skiptheheartsandflowers · 26/03/2022 22:30

Fresh start OP. You can do it, you've seen that this isn't enough. Block him on your phone now. Just do it and go silent. Start researching counsellors, private ones. It'll mean you have to pay but you'll be waiting years or just turned down on the NHS, but honestly it'll be worth it to get into the mindset where you can ditch this guy once and for all.

Merryoldgoat · 26/03/2022 22:30

As I've been more vocal to him recently about what I will tolerate and not.

But actions speak louder and you have taken him back after he cheated, you allow him to put no effort into your relationship, he doesn’t stand up for you with his family.

It doesn’t matter if you’re vocal given about what you will and you won’t put up - you stay so it’s irrelevant, he knows you’re not going anywhere.

Hausa · 26/03/2022 22:36

[quote Mamas123]**@Ihaventgottimeforthis* I know this, I've know it since last year but he keeps love bombing me and I keep going back and then feel like I'm just here for his ego now and to look good for him (he's older, has no children. Everyone said how it's lovely to see him finally settle down as they never thought he would) people told him don't f*k this up (as if he's previously done that to previous relationships?). [/quote]
So, just break up with him. As you’ve been told many many times.

I really don’t know what you want from these threads, OP. And I don’t mean that in an unkind way - but what is it you’re hoping to achieve, here? People’s responses aren’t going to change.

Wolfiefan · 26/03/2022 22:39

Just don’t let him back.

Original poster
Mamas123 · 26/03/2022 22:47

I know but it's really hard to stick to it. He makes me feel sorry for him

OP posts:
CrowUpNorth · 26/03/2022 22:48

You deserve better OP. Your worth doesn't depend on him. You can have a better future.

HollowTalk · 26/03/2022 22:54

[quote Mamas123]@TestingTestingWonTooFree he never compliments me... and sex wise he will go months without having sex with me. He did cheat on me last year which is where my lack of self esteem with him has gone which he knows of[/quote]
Why the hell are you planning to marry this idiot?

Feedingthebirds1 · 26/03/2022 23:02

@Mamas123

I know but it's really hard to stick to it. He makes me feel sorry for him
No he doesn't 'make' you. He tries, but if he succeeds that's down to you letting him.

The average smoker has between seven and nine failed attempts before they quit smoking. Don't let it take that many chances before you kick him into touch and leave him there.

Original poster
Mamas123 · 26/03/2022 23:05

@HollowTalk I was planning but cancelled it when I found out about the cheating and said I won't have a baby with him either... he still wanted to give it a go and love bombed me. Was good and then went crap again. So I told him to go, he went but we will go slowly. It's good on and off now, still seeing red flags with him as he just doesn't show any feelings with me and will fish for compliments but when I want one back I just get laughed at (I don't ever want compliments tbh, I'm very humble) if he wants some some naughty messages, he sends them and I send back... if I do this... I get lol'ed?? All I wanted to know if I was being unreasonable to want something back if I do the same he does to me

OP posts:
Hausa · 26/03/2022 23:07

@Mamas123

I know but it's really hard to stick to it. He makes me feel sorry for him
So block him.
Original poster
Mamas123 · 26/03/2022 23:18

@Hausa not as easy to block him
When I have things at mine of his and a child who likes him

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 26/03/2022 23:25

@Mamas123

I know but it's really hard to stick to it. He makes me feel sorry for him
Oh well. Carry on then. Good luck.

I’m sure it’ll all be fine in the end.

Why not reschedule the wedding? Something nice to look forward to at least?

LizzoBennett · 26/03/2022 23:37

I agree with @merryoldgoat

He sounds like an absolute treasure. Lock that man down while you can. He's the perfect role model for your child too and I'm sure the relationship you have is exactly what you want your DC to replicate. If only I had met him first, sigh...

LittleWins · 26/03/2022 23:42

[quote Mamas123]@TestingTestingWonTooFree he never compliments me... and sex wise he will go months without having sex with me. He did cheat on me last year which is where my lack of self esteem with him has gone which he knows of[/quote]
Whomp there it is.

Leave, move on. This is a massive waste of your time.

Hausa · 26/03/2022 23:49

[quote Mamas123]@Hausa not as easy to block him
When I have things at mine of his and a child who likes him[/quote]
It really is that easy. Pick up your things, tell him it’s over, then block him. Your child isn’t his and will not be seeing him again. Said child will be fine.

You need to take ownership of your life. Stop waiting for him to suddenly become a decent partner. End it, but him off and be done.

Hausa · 26/03/2022 23:51

@Merryoldgoat and @LizzoBennett You both just made me laugh VERY hard. 😂

KrisAkabusi · 26/03/2022 23:55

@Mamas123

I know but it's really hard to stick to it. He makes me feel sorry for him
Pity is not the basis of a long term relationship. If the only reason you're together is that you feel sorry for him, you're never going to have a great relationship.
Original poster
Mamas123 · 26/03/2022 23:56

[quote Hausa]**@Merryoldgoat* and @LizzoBennett* You both just made me laugh VERY hard. 😂[/quote]
I actually thought this was harsh and sarcastic when I feel so down. But I guess it's fine and funny to take the piss out of someone's problem than actually helping. If you have children... you make the perfect mothers!

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 27/03/2022 00:02

Well, you know - ALL the relationship experts say infidelity, laziness and lack of intimacy are the bedrock of a healthy and fulfilling relationship.

Hausa · 27/03/2022 00:08

@Mamas123 You’ve had lots of excellent supportive helpful advice across multiple threads. What have you done with it?

Kite22 · 27/03/2022 00:09

The point is @Mamas123, dozens upon dozens upon dozens of posts have told you the same thing, and you are trying to justify why you are making such bad decisions.
Worse than that, from what I am reading, you have had other threads where again, hundreds of people have taken the trouble to give you good advice, and you clearly take no notice of any of it and then start another thread.
After a while, people get fed up of banging their heads against that brick wall, so posters are pretty justified in getting fed up.

LizzoBennett · 27/03/2022 00:10

You've refused all the good advice. You want to stay in a miserable relationship and focus on trying to get more compliments from a man that clearly has no respect for you. Where do we go from here OP?

SpicePumpkin · 27/03/2022 00:11

[quote Mamas123]@Hausa not as easy to block him
When I have things at mine of his and a child who likes him[/quote]
Put his stuff in a box. Put in on his sisters doorstep. My child likes Mr Tumble but that isn't a good enough reason to keep him around.

Original poster
Mamas123 · 27/03/2022 02:59

@Kite22

The point is *@Mamas123*, dozens upon dozens upon dozens of posts have told you the same thing, and you are trying to justify why you are making such bad decisions. Worse than that, from what I am reading, you have had other threads where again, hundreds of people have taken the trouble to give you good advice, and you clearly take no notice of any of it and then start another thread. After a while, people get fed up of banging their heads against that brick wall, so posters are pretty justified in getting fed up.
Ok but where do I get help after I've said enough from this relationship? As I won't be happy... I'll be depressed and lonely? Maybe tell me where I could get help from after a relationship breakdown? As right now if I was to end it all right here and right now... I don't know what to do? It's all I've ever known for 20+years.. relationships with morons. I wouldn't want to go on to another. But I need to know where to find the help to find the good man? As all I e ever know for 30+years are crappy men! So that's all I'm use to and maybe why I can never find a good man. I MUST BE DOING SOMETHING WRONG?
OP posts:
Original poster
Mamas123 · 27/03/2022 03:02

@LizzoBennett I have refused help from here... I'm listening. I'm trying to go through with break up. If you haven't been through what I've been through than you won't know how hard it is to get away! If you do know than maybe point me in the right direction to get the help I need to get through it

OP posts:
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