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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He ate the soup ...

480 replies

Tdcp · 26/03/2022 19:00

I'm really ill, I've had an annoying cough for a few days which today has turned in to a snot fest. I'm tired. I've had a smear test this morning which they've found a few issues with my cervix, I've dragged my arse to Asda, where I bought myself a tin of tomato soup. I drove him 15 minutes away for a walk and picked him and DD up after they were done, had a bath and thought.. I've not eaten yet, I'll go and have that soup.

He doesn't really like tomato soup, in fact I can't recall him ever eating any, that's why I bought one tin. He likes chicken soup which there's 3 tins of as well as other random flavours in the cupboard.

He ate my tomato soup. Ffs. I don't know if this is light hearted or not but after a string of bullshit I'm just a bit fed up right now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tdcp · 26/03/2022 22:17

Sorry, it's all coming out now 😂😂 thank you everyone for your advice. I'm taking it all on board

OP posts:
BeenHereForYonkyDoodles · 26/03/2022 22:23

Op this is awful & so unfair. Let's get your money back so you can retrain and get way from this twat. Your Nan needs it back for an unexpected bill doesn't she?? Once she has it back she needs to keep it there and she can pay for your course directly. Please tell her what's going on & please call Womens Aid. You sound so alone but you're not. We're here and so are people who can help and guide you.

LottyD32 · 26/03/2022 22:26

Jesus fucking christ op.

Just cut your losses and leave with a bag of what you can each carry. Go to your nans and start again.

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 26/03/2022 22:29

Report him online for theft. If he gets arsey hate the police remove him while you make plans. Police removed my exh. I filed for divorce the next day.

GrowingUpIsATrap · 26/03/2022 22:32

@Tdcp No matter what happens, he will always find a way to make things seem like they're your fault. Arguing back with him is a total waste of your energy because he will blame you for everything without taking one ounce of responsibility.

He has put your daughter to bed without even putting a sheet down, and he is blaming you for that?! Were you actually in bed trying to sleep when he came to start an argument with you?

Unless you actually split up, I'm not sure you can claim universal credit as a single person. But get some proper advice on that. I claimed as a single person when my relationship broke down, i was still living with ex-p for a short time and i was very clear about that with them when i made the claim.

I would strongly advise you speak to your local domestic abuse service before you end the relationship, as he has already stated he won't let you take DD "away" from him. You need a proper plan to minimise any harm he tries to do.

Original poster
Tdcp · 26/03/2022 22:38

I'm reading through woman's aid now. Should I email them? Do I contact my gp? I mean he hasn't hurt me so I'm not sure what she could do exactly. He's squared up to me a lot in the past but I've always made a point of stepping forwards rather than cowering away. He's not done that in a year or so now. I feel so bad for DD. She shouldn't be here in this. Even if she's not seeing it she knows how different things are when he's not here. She has to be on edge with it. God I feel awful for her

OP posts:
GrowingUpIsATrap · 26/03/2022 22:40

@Tdcp just read your last update. He deliberately did something sexually traumatic to you? He is disgusting. That is sexual abuse. You did not consent to what he did. And he knew that and did it anyway. It is also emotional abuse.

Clearly you've had a lot of trauma and abuse through your life and this can affect your perception and tolerance of different relationships. However, none of this is your fault. This man, like all abusive men, realised you were vulnerable and has exploited this for his own gain. He has stolen from you, made your life financially difficult, given you no support with parenting your child, given you zero emotional support through difficult times, and is deliberately keeping you "down" as it benefits him.

You deserve so much better and so much more.

Please get some professional help to deal with your past trauma. And again, please reach out to your local domestic abuse service.

GrowingUpIsATrap · 26/03/2022 22:41

@Tdcp yes please email women's aid if you're sure he can't access your emails. Change all your passwords and your phone password

Hausa · 26/03/2022 22:43

I told him a very specific awful thing, whilst in loads of tears 6 weeks or so ago. 2 weeks later he said he wanted to blindfold me (giving the impression it was going to be him giving me attention or whatever). He did the thing I cried to him about instead.

At best, this is sexual assault. At worst, it was rape. I’m not going to ask you to disclose what was done to you, but please have no doubt that this was sexual abuse. Please ring Women’s Aid.

AmandaStaveleysBlackNWhiteArmy · 26/03/2022 22:44

He’s a sadistic bastard OP. Please get out and keep you and your DD safe.

Original poster
Tdcp · 26/03/2022 22:55

I've emailed woman's aid. I don't know what will come of it but I really need some advice at the least. Thank you for all of your help. I don't know what I would have done tonight, well I wouldn't have done anything let be honest.

OP posts:
GrowingUpIsATrap · 26/03/2022 23:01

@Tdcp i am so pleased you have reached out for some support. Please keep us updated. I will be thinking about you x

Original poster
Tdcp · 26/03/2022 23:03

@GrowingUpIsATrap
Thank you, and thank you for all of your insight and advice x

OP posts:
Peppapigforlife · 26/03/2022 23:04

You're stronger than these horrible people in your life have led you to think you are, OP. Your husband doesn't want you to realise how strong you are because then you will leave him. Just remember he can take your money but he can't take your internal strength to be able to improve your own personal situation. Xx

timeisnotaline · 26/03/2022 23:08

Ok, so it’s not a one off, he’s abusive. Gently, there is nothing you can do but leave. He will not change. He ate your soup because it’s Mother’s Day and the idea of a day that’s yours angers him. He knows he can’t publicly storm out etc as if you’d told people he’d look like a shit. But he’s seething underneath at how wrong it is that you get a day so he ate your soup.

Is the house rented? Is there somewhere you can go?

Hausa · 26/03/2022 23:08

@Tdcp

I've emailed woman's aid. I don't know what will come of it but I really need some advice at the least. Thank you for all of your help. I don't know what I would have done tonight, well I wouldn't have done anything let be honest.
Well done. It’s a massive first step and you should be so pud of yourself for having the strength to take it. 💗
NannyKrampus · 26/03/2022 23:12

OP, your posts left me speechless with sorrow for you. The soup may just be that final straw among much more sadistic and abusive stuff but it is a symbol for how he tries to hurt you. There were a threads over the years that give some really good practical advice on how to best leave safely. We really should have a proper sticky post with all the best key info.

NannyKrampus · 26/03/2022 23:13

PS: Maybe follow up this thread with a new on the relationship board to get as much support as you can Flowers

Londoncallingme · 26/03/2022 23:14

Make some cakes and put your snot in a few just for him.

Original poster
Tdcp · 26/03/2022 23:14

*Ok, so it’s not a one off, he’s abusive. Gently, there is nothing you can do but leave. He will not change. He ate your soup because it’s Mother’s Day and the idea of a day that’s yours angers him. He knows he can’t publicly storm out etc as if you’d told people he’d look like a shit. But he’s seething underneath at how wrong it is that you get a day so he ate your soup.

Is the house rented? Is there somewhere you can go?*

He ruins every occasion, birthdays, Christmas, mother's Day, whatever it is. He usually "finds it too much" or he's depressed or tired etc. I remember crying one year and asking him why he has to ruin every birthday I have?
The house is rented, I made sure my name was put on the lease last year which was a battle but it's there anyway. He's lived here 18 years though and I have never talked to or met the landlord. He has a good relationship with her, done a lot of work for her etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tdcp · 26/03/2022 23:16

Make some cakes and put your snot in a few just for him. 😂😂

I keep sneezing and I can hear him sighing and rolling over every time. I do get nervous before the sneeze but it has made me smile a little I have to admit.

OP posts:
Hariboqueen1 · 26/03/2022 23:24

Your posts have made me cry. Please please leave as soon as you can. Honestly you are worth so much more than this. If any nonsense comes into your head about maybe its not that bad please tell it to fuxk off as it honestly is that bad. You are leaving him. There is no hesitation you have to leave as soon as possible. Dont worry about dds School, you getting away from him is the most important thing even if your daughter misses or needs to change school. Im so sorry that life has given you so much crap. There are so many better things to come you just need to get through this bit. Sending you so much support and strength! You can do this and you will x

Original poster
Tdcp · 26/03/2022 23:37

@Hariboqueen1

Oh please don't cry! Sad. I'm alright! I need to do as you say and not listen to those voices and get out. I'm trying to apply for universal credit at the moment but it's hard answering them online as we're together but I don't want to be so I might just wait for a reply to my email from woman's aid first.

I used to worry myself sick or cry myself sick after an argument like tonight but I feel like I don't even care anymore. I don't care what he thinks. I mean i do, it hurts when he says that I don't do anything or I'm crazy or I'm hurting DD by answering back etc but I'm seeing it clearer now that really he's just a control freak and I was never anything more to him than a housemaid the second I started to have my own opinions and stick by them when he didn't want me to.

He reminds me of my mother actually. If I can live without her, I don't know where he thinks he's coming from.

OP posts:
Andouillette · 26/03/2022 23:38

OP, your series of posts has hit me in the feels more than anything similar I have read in a very long time. He's like... all the bad things in men I have experienced over many many years... but worse. I left my first husband because of his abuse, violence, control and various other things. I took my DD, my cat and my dog and I ran. I have NEVER regretted it and it was like, I don't know, the whole world was suddenly brighter. You can do it too. Please.

bluecampbell · 26/03/2022 23:40

@Ikeptgoing

Make a lovely dinner when you feel better - steak/ yummy cheese burgers or duck with chips for you and DC Grin

He can have a tin of tomato soup! Put the tin on his plate whilst you all tuck in (or eat before he comes home!) Then tell him not to fuss Grin

100% this!