Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He ate the soup ...

480 replies

Tdcp · 26/03/2022 19:00

I'm really ill, I've had an annoying cough for a few days which today has turned in to a snot fest. I'm tired. I've had a smear test this morning which they've found a few issues with my cervix, I've dragged my arse to Asda, where I bought myself a tin of tomato soup. I drove him 15 minutes away for a walk and picked him and DD up after they were done, had a bath and thought.. I've not eaten yet, I'll go and have that soup.

He doesn't really like tomato soup, in fact I can't recall him ever eating any, that's why I bought one tin. He likes chicken soup which there's 3 tins of as well as other random flavours in the cupboard.

He ate my tomato soup. Ffs. I don't know if this is light hearted or not but after a string of bullshit I'm just a bit fed up right now.

OP posts:
AnyName1 · 26/03/2022 23:45

That you get nervous before you sneeze is one of the saddest things I've ever heard.

Take what you can carry and go. xxx

AdoraBell · 26/03/2022 23:48

Glad you have emailed Women's Aid.

YANBU at all. He is horrendous and I hope you can get out soon.

Original poster
Tdcp · 26/03/2022 23:50

@Andouillette

I'm sorry to you and anyone else that has dealt with an abusive asshole. Thank you for your perspective, knowing how you felt when you left really helps.

OP posts:
LBFseBrom · 26/03/2022 23:50

Make sure you have more than one tin in the cupboard from now on.
There's nothing quite like tomato soup when you are not feeling well.
I hope you're better soon, op.

Original poster
Tdcp · 26/03/2022 23:51

That you get nervous before you sneeze is one of the saddest things I've ever heard.

It didn't even register to me that that wasn't a normal way to feel when people are trying to sleep and I'm making noise 😬

OP posts:
BridgesofMadisonfan · 26/03/2022 23:58

You need to mentally disengage from him.

He is not your friend or confidant.

He's a disgusting abusive piece of shit.

Midlifemusings · 27/03/2022 00:12

Op you just need to leave, with your daughter.

Your husband is abusive and harming you.

Talk to women's aid and make a plan with them. Living in a shelter with your daughter is a better option. You will have a feeling of safety and control and autonomy. Yes, you will be poor and have to figure a lot of things out and build back up but all of that is better than staying in the situation you are in.

And once you are out - he is going to be mad, losing control isn't something he will let go of easily so prepare for that. He may cover that anger with fake niceness to try and get you back. Don't give in. And hopefully at some point, you can charge him with theft and get that money back.

nocoolnamesleft · 27/03/2022 00:33

You can do this. You can leave. You posted to complain about soup, and in the course of a thread have recognised that you are being abused. If you can do that, you can do this. You can make a new life. A better life. For you and your daughter.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 27/03/2022 00:46

Ho yeah, he did that deliberately.
He knew you'd bought it for yourself and he ate it specifically so you couldn't have it - how does someone who "doesn't like" tomato soup suddently "fancy it"? Bollocks.

Fucker.

lilmishap · 27/03/2022 00:46

@Easterbunnyiswindowshopping

I ask because my exh used to instigate rows when any occasion that wasn't about him was due.. He sulked on Mothers Day and ruined my 40th birthday.. Even dc's birthday he stropped around...
My ex did this EVERY time someone else was the focus he'd make up some petty grievance, he did it to our kids every birthday, Christmas Easter. It's a pattern of shitty treatment I'm glad to be rid of tbh.

Totally reasonable to be livid about the soup, He knew you'd bought it for yourself, the clue was you going to shops and buying the bloody tin of soup.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 27/03/2022 00:53

FUck me, I'm not usually one to not read the rest of the thread but I missed that it was 6 pages long, so sorry!

He is a Bad Bastard. As the saying goes, just because you've had a grade 10 bastard before, doesn't mean you should put up with a grade 8 bastard now, just because he's not as bad as the first one.

He's abusive in all ways - physically, sexually, emotionally and financially.
You are beaten down by it and have become numb to how fucking bad it really is - almost like Stockholm syndrome.

You MUST get out. And talk to someone about him stealing your money - because that is what he has done! He's not going to give it back to you as a lump sum, his excuse will be that he was "keeping it safe" for you to use on the bills as you were already overdrawn due to your own bad management of money" - all bollocks, of course, but that IS what he will say.

Call Women's Aid, call your Nan, call anyone and everyone you can think of who might be able to help you. Your DD can't grow up thinking this abuse is normal - she needs to know that it is Wrong and you need to get her out of there too. Give the cats to someone else to look after while you make your plans - they're just one more thing to worry about just now.

321user123 · 27/03/2022 00:56

@Ryderneedsus

I once had dental surgery that meant I could not eat solid food for a week. I bought some yogurts and pudding cups. My DH had never eaten either during our 6 years together. However, when I bought them and it was the only thing I could eat, he decided to eat them all. Once I was recovered he never ate them again. I think it is a territorial power thing.

Even now, a decade later he cannot leave food alone if I say it is earmarked for something. e.g. if I buy biscuits for a friend that is visiting, he will ask if he can have one every hour before the visit, even if we have many other biscuits in the house. If I say he can have one he will eat the packet.

This is just so bizarre to me. And even more bizarre is how often others have posted something similar to this in the thread! 😳Confused
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 27/03/2022 00:58

Damn, forgot to add this bit:

Him calling you abusive is something called DARVO - deny, attack, reverse victim and offender - it's a CLASSIC abuser tactic, to get you to shut up and take the abuse.
You are in no way abusive - it's all HIM. He is like a very mean cat playing with you, his mouse, and letting you think you can run before swatting you with his paw again. This is no kind of life for you.

Read up on DARVO and other abusive tactics and I bet you'll be able to tick every single one off on the list - and then make a plan to leave SECRETLY, don't tell anyone whom you don't trust completely to have your back. Also change your passwords on any and all devices, clear your browsing history, make sure he doesn't have access to your phone or your bank accounts or anything else.
At least if he doesn't drive you get the car - one bonus!

Good luck - it's a lot to take in, but it's essential that you get away.

LuckySantangelo35 · 27/03/2022 02:07

What a twat

Holothane · 27/03/2022 02:35

I- I’ve just read the whole thread well caught up I’m appalled I really am he’s selfish sexual abuse as well, no you must leave follow all the excellent advice on here from others handhold and hugs.

nettie434 · 27/03/2022 03:16

I started out reading the thread thinking he was mean and thoughtless but it's just so much worse. Taking your money was awful. The blindfold thing is absolutely inhuman.

I'm glad you've contacted Women's Aid and that there is other advice here for you Hoping you can make a new life for you and your daughter.

Dumdeedahdumdeedo · 27/03/2022 03:41

Women's aid can still help. Abuse isnt just hitting your partner

It can be emotional, financial, both things hes doing to you

My ex was abusive OP and I stayed eith him for 7 years because he wore me down so much I believed everything he told me and it just became normal. I was with him from 18 to 25 and left when my youngest was 8 months old

My oldest was 2.6 and witnessed so much she shouldn't have

But every single day now I wake up grateful that I got me and my kids out of it

I know financiers arnt you biggest concern but if your applying for UC I would also try and claim the LCWRA part if I were you. My supoirt worker pushed me to apply for it and I was accepted for it due to the past abuse and the way it had affected me and having that extra bit of income really makes a difference to mine and my kids lives

We were in a hostel for a few months then temporary housing and its shit and lonely but I promise you its so much better than staying where you are now

I hope you find the strength to leave because your future self will be forever grateful x

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/03/2022 04:29

Idk if you’re married or living together. But those 2.5k are yours regardless. They do not form part of your joint finances even if married as they were a gift. I also think you should report this to the police. The money was a get out clause. The police, hopefully at least, a life line. I hope you can get them and women’s aid to help you escape this abuser. Flowers

AnaMRT · 27/03/2022 05:05

Wow this definitely sounds like abusive and controlling behaviour! Please leave him as you know deep down this isn’t right. Life is too short to waste it on him. I hope you can get your money back and have a fresh start.

blisstwins · 27/03/2022 05:46

Earring the soup is not a big deal. Not apologizing or offering to go out and replace is.

PearPickingPorky · 27/03/2022 06:05

OK, you can't report him to the police for theft as of you're married than there's nothing the police can do.

But you need to get this money back. Do you know his bank pin number? Any chance you could withdraw it in instalments?

SarahBellam · 27/03/2022 06:34

I started reading this thread thinking ‘well he’s a bit of a twat’, and now I’m leaning towards ‘call the police and Woman’s Aid and get the hell out of there’. You are being financially, sexually, and emotionally abused by a horrible, low grade, man.

EveningOverRooftops · 27/03/2022 06:54

@LollyLol

Soup thief!! This would really wind me up to OP.

It reminds me some years ago I made a huge dish of gorgeous summer pudding, I took it out of the oven to cool a bit. And of course while I was putting DD to bed my DH ate THE ENTIRE dish. It was enough for about 6 servings. He said he "just fancied it" and "didnt realise" I would want some.

Suffice it to say I tore him a new one and since then he has always very meekly checked what size portion he can have when I cook any kind of pudding- so much so I almost feel guilty now.

Don’t feel guilty about this!

If you do the majority of the cooking, carry the mental load of cooking, shopping and planning meals he’s doing the are minimum to check with you if a dish you’ve cooked is just because or to use up stuff or for something special like a treat for yourself.

TheBigDilemma · 27/03/2022 07:09

@Tdcp

He said he didn't realise it was for me. I said that I only bought one tin because he doesn't like tomato soup, that I've not eaten yet etc and he said he ate it because he fancied it so I need to stop making it a big deal.
Not exactly an apology isn’t it? It is the same as saying because I wanted to and you have no right to complain.

This is the stuff red flags are made of…

ukborn · 27/03/2022 07:36

You're sick and he hadn't helped, and you've bought your own Mother's Day gifts? This is way deeper than soupgate!
I'd have done the 'instant shop' thing or got myself a takeaway - just yourself as you 'fancied it' and didn't feel inclined to ask him if he wanted anything.