to ask if many people actively enjoy small talk?

[thatsgotit]

Not a journo, long-standing member, just curious. I'm an introvert and can do small talk when it's needed, but oh man, I hate it so much. I do enjoy getting to know people and having conversations that feel to me like they 'go' somewhere, but I just hate the fact that it's not considered socially acceptable to dive into 'meaningful' conversation without the obligatory exchanges about the weather, 'how are you?' (and the obligatory reply of 'very well, thank you' whether that happens to be true or not, rendering the question pointless), etc etc having to be got out of the way first, and as someone who doesn't have kids I'm always forgetting that I'm supposed to ask after other people's, which typically I only remember to do if I actually know the kid in question, or know something significant is going on with them.

If I sound a bit cynical it's just because I find it such a struggle. I accept that small talk serves a purpose in oiling the wheels of communication/breaking the ice etc and it's not that I don't want to find things out about people, I just tend to be more interested in exchanging opinions than facts, I suppose. So I'm curious, do many people actively enjoy small talk?

YABU = 'I enjoy small talk'
YANBU = 'I don't enjoy small talk'

I don't enjoy it but I do consider it a warm up for the conversational part of my brain and it also often triggers conversation topics that I can discuss in more detail. I'm awful at remembering what is going on in my friends lives sometimes so it's almost like a 'previously on...Sarah's life' before I hear the next installment 😅

It's a way of building community and being friendly, isn't it? Personally I hate having in depth and meaningful conversations with people I barely know or have just met, but I also don't want to sit there in silence and am happy to make connections with people, however briefly, so I don't mind having a little chat about the weather or what have you . Its social grooming.

I absolutely hate small talk and avoid it whenever possible. Funnily enough me and dh visited a cafe yesterday and had to share a long table with a chap who overheard me and dh talking about Ukraine and the chap joined in immediately and we had a good discussion about it. He appeared to be an eccentric type of person and he seemed happy to have a proper discussion. No small talk needed on this occasion 😄

I used to have to do it constantly in my job, both with colleagues and residents and it drove me potty 😵‍💫

Small talk is fine when you first meet someone as an icebreaker but if it never progresses past that I find it completely boring and draining.

LOVE small talk. Bump in to a mum in the playground? "Hi, your little one is so sweet, how old?
What's their name? Are you on maternity leave or taking time out for now? Are you local to this area? Bla bla bla..." that's how you make friends as an adult/mum, I find anyway.

Neither hate it or enjoy, it's just a part of life I don't mind

In my opinion YANBU. Even with family members I hate it! I think it is because it makes me feel awkward. Like you say you almost have to ask the obligatory "how are you", then when they almost certainly say "fine" or "good thanks, how are you", should I say "that's good, and I'm fine too thanks", because although it looks OK on paper, I find it really embarrassing - probably because I hate scripts, and I never do actually feel fine or good, I always feel varying shades of crap.

However, I know that strangers don't want to hear about my health and mental health issues, and if I said that to my loved ones all the time it would depress them, and make them feel bad and useless, which I obviously don't want them to do. In fact most of the time I hate getting any sympathy at all. But I do think that I am quite a strange person anyway, so hopefully you will get replies soon from more "normal" people!

On a one to one basis with people I know well, or love, I do like having in depth conversations with them about lots of different things, which can in itself be quite fraught with danger, eg. If I found out that the person I was talking with was into things like fox hunting etc I could no longer be friends with them (is that too much of an extreme reaction - but even if it is, it would be my reaction) and I would immediately start feeling awkward whilst wondering how I could politely extract myself from that situation, as I would no longer want to be friends with them. Unfortunately, my very awkwardness could make me tell them too bluntly what I thought about them and their enjoyment of such a cruel activity - I will never call things like that a sport, as far as I am concerned there is nothing sporting about it at all 😡

Sorry OP, I should probably scrap this reply as I don't think this is the sort of response you were looking for, but when I started this you had not had any other replies, you will have probably had loads now, but I will post it just incase!

Hate it. Can't bear talking about what's for dinner, what I've been watching on tv, what so and so from home town has been up to, etc.

I find it so draining.

I don't mind it. I find it easy with most people, and I understand when to bother and when not to.

@blockbustervideo

LOVE small talk. Bump in to a mum in the playground? "Hi, your little one is so sweet, how old? What's their name? Are you on maternity leave or taking time out for now? Are you local to this area? Bla bla bla..." that's how you make friends as an adult/mum, I find anyway.

That is why I probanly have only one real friend, and even she is no-where near a best friend. I met her at school so we have known each other for 50 odd years, but we nearly only ever "talk" through social media, and that will usually be about a specific subject anyway - so no small talk... I should add (even though this is anonymous) that about 30 years ago she helped me get through a very bad patch, and I am very fond of her and care about her happiness.

probably!

Small talk just reminds me of when I worked at a till in a shop. So no not really haha

I like having done it. I think it's the evolved version of eating ticks off each other's backs - you get to feel a human connection without having had to think too hard about it or talk about things that are really worrying you. How I "am" at the moment is actually a nervous mess due to DH having cancer but I talk about the lovely weather and how much I'm looking forward to getting my potatoes planted out, and I like hearing about other people's nice things too even though maybe they've got similar worries to me.

Its interesting how many people find small talk draining - I would find "a good discussion about Ukraine" with someone I don't know, where I have to articulate and defend my view and challenge someone else's, much much more draining than a fun chat about holidays or TV or books or the horror of the new fried chicken shop that's opening round the corner.
Maybe it's because my day job involves talking to people I don't know about big subjects (journalist) with very little small talk involved (Hello. I'm writing an article about X. What is your view on it?").

I love it in certain situations - particularly with old ladies on buses. It has to include weather talk.

Depends what mood I'm in. Sometimes I don't mind it, sometimes I dislike it if I'm tired and I've got to think of things to say to someone I don't really know. Then it's draining.

I quite enjoy this sort of phatic communication, but I enjoy listening to other people doing it more than I enjoy participating in it.

No, it's horrible & pointless.

@TurkeyRoastvBubbleandSqueek

In my opinion YANBU. Even with family members I hate it! I think it is because it makes me feel awkward. Like you say you almost have to ask the obligatory "how are you", then when they almost certainly say "fine" or "good thanks, how are you", should I say "that's good, and I'm fine too thanks", because although it looks OK on paper, I find it really embarrassing - probably because I hate scripts, and I never do actually feel fine or good, I always feel varying shades of crap.

However, I know that strangers don't want to hear about my health and mental health issues, and if I said that to my loved ones all the time it would depress them, and make them feel bad and useless, which I obviously don't want them to do. In fact most of the time I hate getting any sympathy at all. But I do think that I am quite a strange person anyway, so hopefully you will get replies soon from more "normal" people!

On a one to one basis with people I know well, or love, I do like having in depth conversations with them about lots of different things, which can in itself be quite fraught with danger, eg. If I found out that the person I was talking with was into things like fox hunting etc I could no longer be friends with them (is that too much of an extreme reaction - but even if it is, it would be my reaction) and I would immediately start feeling awkward whilst wondering how I could politely extract myself from that situation, as I would no longer want to be friends with them. Unfortunately, my very awkwardness could make me tell them too bluntly what I thought about them and their enjoyment of such a cruel activity - I will never call things like that a sport, as far as I am concerned there is nothing sporting about it at all 😡

Sorry OP, I should probably scrap this reply as I don't think this is the sort of response you were looking for, but when I started this you had not had any other replies, you will have probably had loads now, but I will post it just incase!

You actually sound a lot like me @TurkeyRoastvBubbleandSqueek! In particular your first paragraph. I have ME and a few other chronic health issues, and and agree the 'how are you?' question is an awkward one for people who feel crap a lot of the time.

@raspberrymuffin sorry to hear about your DH. I can definitely see how lighter conversation could be helpful at such a difficult time.

Hate it. Cannot BEAR it. Pointless, draining, unnecessary.

@blockbustervideo

LOVE small talk. Bump in to a mum in the playground? "Hi, your little one is so sweet, how old? What's their name? Are you on maternity leave or taking time out for now? Are you local to this area? Bla bla bla..." that's how you make friends as an adult/mum, I find anyway.

That's presumably where I'm going wrong then. I'm rubbish at that sort of thing.

Oh god, I hate it! I can see why its useful (for other people). But quite honestly, if I'm going to expend energy interacting with people, let's crack straight on with the important bits and cut out the frilly shite. I can find an in-depth conversation about something meaningful incredibly fulfilling and thought-provoking but I really don't have the need for a 'warm up'. Unsurprising, I'm also an introvert.

Nope. I hate it. Total waste of time. Boring. Either don't talk to me at all or tell me the juicy stuff, thanks.

I've heard that in Swedish people don't bother with small talk. I genuinely considered moving there for a while.

I don't actively enjoy it - I don't think many people are actually interested in the conversation itself or the answers - and like many people, I do enjoy getting to know someone in more depth or having real conversations. But I know that you can't really do that easily without small talk first - it eases you in, and to an extent, filters who you talk to more deeply and how. So it needs to be done, and yes the questions themselves might be pointless in a literal sense but the literal answer is not their purpose.

I love it. Passing the time of day with people makes me feel great! And sometimes people don’t have to amount of interaction with others that they’d like, so I always engage when someone initiates engaging with me