to ask if many people actively enjoy small talk?

[thatsgotit]

Not a journo, long-standing member, just curious. I'm an introvert and can do small talk when it's needed, but oh man, I hate it so much. I do enjoy getting to know people and having conversations that feel to me like they 'go' somewhere, but I just hate the fact that it's not considered socially acceptable to dive into 'meaningful' conversation without the obligatory exchanges about the weather, 'how are you?' (and the obligatory reply of 'very well, thank you' whether that happens to be true or not, rendering the question pointless), etc etc having to be got out of the way first, and as someone who doesn't have kids I'm always forgetting that I'm supposed to ask after other people's, which typically I only remember to do if I actually know the kid in question, or know something significant is going on with them.

If I sound a bit cynical it's just because I find it such a struggle. I accept that small talk serves a purpose in oiling the wheels of communication/breaking the ice etc and it's not that I don't want to find things out about people, I just tend to be more interested in exchanging opinions than facts, I suppose. So I'm curious, do many people actively enjoy small talk?

YABU = 'I enjoy small talk'
YANBU = 'I don't enjoy small talk'

If I’m sat on a bus etc I might often use the time to think through issues, thoughts, ideas etc, I’ve got a great conversation going on in my head.

Me too - I spend a lot of time like that and when I worked in an office I used to leg it into town so I could have a lovely solitary lunch in a cafe rather than spend it chatting to my colleagues. However in that case it would be any kind of talk or interaction I would be annoyed by - not just small talk., I would be equally put out by an in-depth conversation! So for me that isn't an argument against small talk, it is an argument against basically talking to me at all a lot of the time . But I think we are basically saying the same thing.

The alternative to 'small talk' doesn't have to be 'deep talk' just keep yer gob shut

Obviously it’s a bit different if it’s a stranger on the bus just forcing their conversation on someone who is obviously happy alone. I was referring to small talk amongst people you know but aren’t close with - people at the school gates, colleagues you don’t work closely with etc. Always useful to be an approachable person to these acquaintances and you never know when it will prove useful. I wouldn’t be as keen to engage in small talk with a total stranger when I’m already busy of course!

Many people talk to very few people in their daily life, around 1 in 5 live alone (last figure I saw) and with more time spent at home, I would guess many value any conversations they can have.

@WlNDMlLL

Surely though if you only enjoy jumping straight into 'meaningful conversations' you only enjoy talking about subjects that are interesting to you? How on earth do you ever find that common ground with people if you don't have any sort of chit chat beforehand? I bet you're equally as put out by people who talk about subjects that don't interest you. And what about people you come into contact with daily but have little time to build a proper relationship with - would you prefer to ignore them? I see someone at work for 1-5 minutes every day but over time I've learnt little snippets about her. It would be bizarre if after several years all we had ever said to each other was hello! We literally don't have time for an in depth discussion though.

Absolutely this. People who want deep conversations immediately are giving no thought to what the other person might find interesting. Small talk is about getting to know someone and possibly easing into a topic that might be more interesting if things work out that way. Sometimes I manage small talk fine and sometimes it is difficult, mostly depending on my mood. When I am in the mood though, a light-hearted, chat that is genuinely two way can be very energising and cheering .

It's interesting to note too how what they call low-level social interaction is increasingly thought to be important for the brain. There may be a lot more importance to small talk and may be far greater individual and societal benefits than people often consider on these threads.

Only just getting back to this after a tough week, but I just wanted to say that although there are some interesting points here that have got me thinking, to me there are also some odd extrapolations. It's a bit of a leap, for example, to think that if people don't enjoy small talk they must want to ask intrusive questions or have intellectual discussions. The word 'deep' has been used a lot and I personally wasn't really talking about deep conversations, though other posters may have been. I can only guess people are speaking from their own past experiences and I certainly don't recognise myself in some of the remarks pps have made.

It has got me thinking about whether I classify small talk the same way as other people though. To me small talk = the weather, what was on TV last night, what each person did at the weekend, with the conversation not really broadening out from those topics at any point so they naturally peter out. I recognise that's normal in scenarios like the workplace where people often don't have the time or inclination for further talk. But if, on the other hand, that conversation branched out at some point into anecdotes about things the participants had experienced involving weather (e.g. being snowed in or having witnessed a tornado), or the fact that one of us had actually been on TV, or if the small talk about the weekend led to a discovery that I and the other person had a shared hobby, the conversation would probably broaden out into something I would consider more meaningful, not in the sense of 'deep' or intellectual, simply that it would lead to more information being exchanged. And then it would feel easier to maintain the conversation for whatever length of time/in whatever depth was appropriate for both participants. Nothing to do with being intrusive, wanting the conversation to turn into book club, expecting people to bare their souls after five minutes, etc, unless it naturally evolved that way on both sides. That's my take on it anyway.

I don't enjoy it much either but it oils the wheels so I put on a show.
Fortunately most family and friends want to talk about real stuff pretty soon in a conversation

It's a bit of a leap, for example, to think that if people don't enjoy small talk they must want to ask intrusive questions or have intellectual discussions.

Not really, I was responding to what posters have said. Several have said things like ‘I can’t remember the names of colleagues children, I prefer to talk about meaningful things/I only like to talk about art and literature etc.’ You’ll see it in the previous posts. The very arrogance and pretentiousness of it makes me cringe.

@Kanaloa

It's a bit of a leap, for example, to think that if people don't enjoy small talk they must want to ask intrusive questions or have intellectual discussions.

Not really, I was responding to what posters have said. Several have said things like ‘I can’t remember the names of colleagues children, I prefer to talk about meaningful things/I only like to talk about art and literature etc.’ You’ll see it in the previous posts. The very arrogance and pretentiousness of it makes me cringe.

Fair comment, I spotted those comments too. Partly why I wanted to point out that I'm not like that myself 😄 and I suspect lots of us non-small-talk-fans aren't either.