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Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask if many people actively enjoy small talk?

135 replies

thatsgotit · 25/03/2022 13:24

Not a journo, long-standing member, just curious. I'm an introvert and can do small talk when it's needed, but oh man, I hate it so much. I do enjoy getting to know people and having conversations that feel to me like they 'go' somewhere, but I just hate the fact that it's not considered socially acceptable to dive into 'meaningful' conversation without the obligatory exchanges about the weather, 'how are you?' (and the obligatory reply of 'very well, thank you' whether that happens to be true or not, rendering the question pointless), etc etc having to be got out of the way first, and as someone who doesn't have kids I'm always forgetting that I'm supposed to ask after other people's, which typically I only remember to do if I actually know the kid in question, or know something significant is going on with them.

If I sound a bit cynical it's just because I find it such a struggle. I accept that small talk serves a purpose in oiling the wheels of communication/breaking the ice etc and it's not that I don't want to find things out about people, I just tend to be more interested in exchanging opinions than facts, I suppose. So I'm curious, do many people actively enjoy small talk?

YABU = 'I enjoy small talk'
YANBU = 'I don't enjoy small talk'

OP posts:

OMG12 · 25/03/2022 15:14

I hate small talk, I can do it (but I could also gouge out my own eyes with a teaspoon of absolutely necessary).

Happy to talk with strangers about interesting things though, I love good conversation especially if erudite and challenging.

CornedBeef451 · 25/03/2022 15:14

I don't like it but consider it social lubrication. Once you have complied with enough statutory weather talk over a period of time you might actually have an interesting conversation.

DoorLion · 25/03/2022 15:16

@TeeBee

Oh god, I hate it! I can see why its useful (for other people). But quite honestly, if I'm going to expend energy interacting with people, let's crack straight on with the important bits and cut out the frilly shite. I can find an in-depth conversation about something meaningful incredibly fulfilling and thought-provoking but I really don't have the need for a 'warm up'. Unsurprising, I'm also an introvert.

I genuinely don't understand how an in-depth conversation is less draining than a lightweight conversation although obviously it is to many people. To me it's like saying you find a three hour exam less draining than a ten minute crossword. Is it because you feel you can be yourself in a meaningful conversation but have to hide bits of yourself when making small talk and that is tiring? (I would also say I'm an introvert in the sense that I need a lot of time alone to recharge and am happy spending time alone, but I'm also a fan of small talk!)

Lyricallie · 25/03/2022 15:18

It's fine. It does what it's supposed to do. Light hearted getting to know people, start the conversation off. What is there to like or dislike? If someone immediately jumped into a conversation with me about my thoughts on Ukraine (no matter how close I was to them, and I have been trying to follow along so it's not as if I'm ignorant) I would back right off. That's way too intense without a hello, how have you been. I think a previous poster said it well. It sparks things off that you can use as a topic later.

Original poster

thatsgotit · 25/03/2022 15:21

Is it because you feel you can be yourself in a meaningful conversation but have to hide bits of yourself when making small talk and that is tiring?

For me it's exactly this, you've put your finger right on it. I feel fake AF a lot of the time when making small talk, because it feels like there are 'right' and 'wrong' answers and these leaves me feeling obliged to give fake answers at times (e.g. if someone asks me how I am, as mentioned upthread, given that I don't feel particularly well a lot of the time.)

OP posts:

Mamamia7962 · 25/03/2022 15:30

Love small talk. When out walking the dog I chat to loads of people, have so many acquaintances now that I can pass the time of day with, and some have become friends. If an elderly person stops to speak to me I always chat to be them because I could be the only person they speak to that day.

Lemonyfuckit · 25/03/2022 15:36

I'm with you OP - I'm naturally quite shy and I get that I need to do 'networking' for my job, go to client drinks and stuff but boy do I find it quite hard work and tiring and it makes me rather nervous. My DH is great at it, he will happily just strike up a conversation with anyone and engage them, I always feel quite boring when I do that.

waterrat · 25/03/2022 15:41

This just seems sad to me. Small Talk just means connecting to the people around you in a friendly way. I absolutely love chatting to anyone friend or stranger...and I am in A job that involves talking to strangers so that is handy !

Talking about the weather or someone's journey etc etc is just building connection ...it makes humans feel part of a wider society. It was something I missed so much in lockdown.

If you don't start with thr small Talk how do you get to big talk ?

We have a loneliness crisis in this country and so many people go days without even a brief hello. Many of my elderly neighbours live day to day for chat with people passing all of it seemingly superficial.

It just seems so snobbish and unkind to dismiss small Talk

EishetChayil · 25/03/2022 15:45

Small talk is socially essential as a way of assessing the other person. People say "oh, I hate it" often quite smugly, but it's actually a vital tool.

All of the conversations I've had that have begun with non-small, heavier topics have always been with people who turned out to be either unstable, weird, or downright fucking dangerous.

Sharrowgirl · 25/03/2022 15:46

You can control the small talk though so if you don’t like the inane weather chat, simply don’t do it. Steer it to something you find more fulfilling.

‘How are you?’
‘Not bad, could be worse. Felt better watching the new series of Bridgerton, even without the Duke’
Or whatever it is you find more interesting or easy to talk about!!

Amdone123 · 25/03/2022 15:47

@waterrat, I couldn't agree more. I clean in a medical centre and I often put my utensils down and chat to people, young and old. I enjoy it and it makes me sad to see how grateful some people are for a fraction of your time. For some people, especially the elderly, it can be the only conversation with someone they'll have that day, I'm sure.
I also engage in small talk on my estate, again with elderly people mostly. I asked my neighbour the other day how she was. She replied, 'Fine, thanks!', then promptly burst into tears saying no, she wasn't fine ; she was lonely and missed her dh dreadfully. I'm going to go to her house from now on, on a regular basis, for a cuppa and a chat.

Wondergirl100 · 25/03/2022 15:51

Yes @amdone123 !

I understand some people have social anxiety - but there is a different issue I see on mumsnet where people say they 'hate the school run small talk' or can't stand small talk

I was soooo lonely and sad in lockdown - even with my own family! I just missed all the morning school gate chat, the total meaningless nonsense that over the years has built up relationships where I can ask for help/ offer to take someones child to the park with mine and they trust me because they see me to say hello to.

There are a few elderly people on my road who stop and chat all the time - about their flowers they are growing, about the news, about their pets - these people don't have jobs or family - they just have that little routine.

I think people who don't like it should just remember we are all humans struggling - if you make what seems a 'banal' comment to someone you are opening up a chance for them to get a smile, a connection in their day.

felineweird · 25/03/2022 15:54

Depends who with and what about. I hate it with hairdressers, taxi drivers etc but don't mind it with colleagues as it helps get to know them better

Original poster

thatsgotit · 25/03/2022 15:56

@waterrat

Talking about the weather or someone's journey etc etc is just building connection ...it makes humans feel part of a wider society. It was something I missed so much in lockdown.

If you don't start with thr small Talk how do you get to big talk ?

It just seems so snobbish and unkind to dismiss small Talk

You're conflating unconnected things here, though. People who find small talk hard aren't necessarily saying they don't do it anyway when the occasion calls for it.

For example, I totally agree with you about elderly people often being lonely and although I don't often see many elderly people when I'm out and about, I often chat to them when I do. There's an older gentleman on my street who's struck up lengthy conversations with me a couple of times now even though we don't know each other, and I've engaged - I haven't been able to think of much to say, so mainly asked him questions about his life and he's ended up doing most of the talking but I can tell he doesn't get much chance to talk to people much. I don't expect a medal for it or anything - I'm using it as an example that many of those of us who dislike small talk are still able to recognise when it's important for someone else and act accordingly.

OP posts:

SexyLittleNosferatu · 25/03/2022 15:56

I hate it. I want to scream when they start blathering on about shite at work. What's for tea. Oh look at this picture of my grandchild. Fuck OFF I literally don't care.

I only want to give the time of day to my chosen friends and my family. That's it.

Nice, aren't I

Oblomov22 · 25/03/2022 16:00

Love it. Love all the stages of chit chat, to middle, to deep and personal, or contentious current issues ie trans swimmers of Ukraine.

lljkk · 25/03/2022 16:01

I much prefer small talk over in depth conversation. This is because I'm too introverted to want to share depth about my life. I'm probably not that interested in the depths of your life, too.

TedMullins · 25/03/2022 16:02

@DoorLion

Its interesting how many people find small talk draining - I would find "a good discussion about Ukraine" with someone I don't know, where I have to articulate and defend my view and challenge someone else's, much much more draining than a fun chat about holidays or TV or books or the horror of the new fried chicken shop that's opening round the corner. Maybe it's because my day job involves talking to people I don't know about big subjects (journalist) with very little small talk involved (Hello. I'm writing an article about X. What is your view on it?").

Interesting - I’m also a journalist but I hate small talk. I’d much rather launch straight into a debate about world affairs!

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 25/03/2022 16:06

I hate it but I can do it well enough when I have to. I just don't find it interesting and never know what to say.

It's one of the reasons I started my own business in an industry that doesn't involve much face-to-face contact with other people

Cheesechips · 25/03/2022 16:12

I really enjoy it. You can find out so many interesting little things about a person with small talk. I'm quite an introverted person and need lots of alone time but it doesn't stop me making conversation.

TimBoothseyes · 25/03/2022 16:31

Nope. I don't care what somebody watched on t.v, what they're having for dinner, where they went on their holidays or anything else for that matter. I also don't talk to anyone about what I watched, ate or where I went unless I'm related to them. I just find it tedious.

Fairislefandango · 25/03/2022 16:38

It depends where you draw the line between small talk and conversation that isn't small talk. I don't find small talk difficult at all, but I do find it boring. I find that with my couple of local 'mum friends', although they are very nice, their conversation doesn't really go beyond small talk even though I've known them for years, because their topics of conversation are very mundane. I get all my decent conversation from my family, and occasionally from colleagues. I don't do the school run any more, so I don't have that almost compulsory mum chitchat!

PinkSyCo · 25/03/2022 16:42

No.

sunisblinding · 25/03/2022 16:44

@TeeBee

Same! Bullet points via email is my preference.

CoteDAzur · 25/03/2022 20:12

Small talk serves the same purpose as grooming in primate communities, like when female gorillas sit there for hours picking each other's fleas off. It is how you show you mean well and show respect to others around you.

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