to ask if many people actively enjoy small talk?

[thatsgotit]

Not a journo, long-standing member, just curious. I'm an introvert and can do small talk when it's needed, but oh man, I hate it so much. I do enjoy getting to know people and having conversations that feel to me like they 'go' somewhere, but I just hate the fact that it's not considered socially acceptable to dive into 'meaningful' conversation without the obligatory exchanges about the weather, 'how are you?' (and the obligatory reply of 'very well, thank you' whether that happens to be true or not, rendering the question pointless), etc etc having to be got out of the way first, and as someone who doesn't have kids I'm always forgetting that I'm supposed to ask after other people's, which typically I only remember to do if I actually know the kid in question, or know something significant is going on with them.

If I sound a bit cynical it's just because I find it such a struggle. I accept that small talk serves a purpose in oiling the wheels of communication/breaking the ice etc and it's not that I don't want to find things out about people, I just tend to be more interested in exchanging opinions than facts, I suppose. So I'm curious, do many people actively enjoy small talk?

YABU = 'I enjoy small talk'
YANBU = 'I don't enjoy small talk'

Yes, but I don't think I ever have anything other than small talk conversations because I find the deep and meaningful ones rather boring. I am not a very deep person though. I enjoy passing the time of day with people, whether I know them or not. I'm introverted and shy but don't mind swapping pleasantries.

I don’t like small talk, but I find that most people like talking about themselves so I ask questions. I sort of sit back and watch what they say unfold.

This is me. When I have to, I can do it well enough. But I often just let people talk.

@Rinatinabina

I hate it, but I’m socially awkward. I’d love it if someone started with “did you watch question time?” Why yes interesting stranger yes I did!

That is small talk, though, surely?

YANBU

Some posts on here talk about small talk as a social lubricant, but today I experienced it more as social constipation.
I was bored by a series of people talking about the routes they take from A to B , telling apocryphal-sounding anecdotes that showed themselves in a good light, and remarking repeatedly about the food we were eating.
None of it felt like communication, more like jaw exercise for people who enjoy holding court.
God I was glad to get home. Small talk is the pits.

There is a danger of those who disparage small talk sounding as if they think they are intellectually superior because they will only engage in deep, meaningful and intellectual discussions.

I'm an optometrist and I could honestly make small talk with a bin...it's very useful in health care situations to make people feel at ease and a lot of the time I actually enjoy it too.
Most people have something interesting to share about their lives.

I have a large store of interesting facts!

@GreenNewDealNow

Small talk is fine when you first meet someone as an icebreaker but if it never progresses past that I find it completely boring and draining.

This! It has to go somewhere doesn't it or it can get a bit excruciating.

@RampantIvy

There is a danger of those who disparage small talk sounding as if they think they are intellectually superior because they will only engage in deep, meaningful and intellectual discussions.

Yep. They think saying ‘I don’t like meaningless chat about other people’s kids, I can’t even remember their names. I like deep talk about literature and art,’ makes them sound intelligent. Actually it’s the opposite. The most impressive intelligence (in my opinion) is the ability to modify yourself to communicate with a wide variety of people and in all different situations. The most intelligent people I’ve met can chat about their colleagues kids and build good relationships and can have great conversations about classic novels.

Thank you @Kanaloa. I think I put it quite clumsily, so I'm glad you know what I meant.

No you put it perfectly. I tried to explain it earlier but couldn’t find the correct words but I agree one hundred percent. Sociability and the ability to get along is a part of intelligence. Great if you’re desperate to discuss Thomas Hardy but unless you’re a literary academic it’s unlikely to be the only thing you need to do and it makes you look a bit small minded/socially unintelligent.

I find small talk the constant repetition of information the other person already knows.

At work I can small do it to infinity and it's a contracting skill I'm good at. Outside of work I find it very irritating with people I already know well. It's one of a few reasons I ended a recent relationship but not the main reason. Exp constant attempts to have conversations about nothing - the weather and my new plates ffs that's what drove me over the edge.

I find for example the expectation that you repeat the word thank you about 12 times during a single transaction with a cashier very strange.

I am being assessed for adhd currently and dd1 who is v much like me is probably on the spectrum. I know these things are very much related.

That said I'll tolerate small talk in favour of people complaining at me about something I have no control over. I cannot cannot stand this unless it's dm or the dc.

I HATE small talk. With a passion. But I have ADHD and that's seems to be very common.

I find it inanely boring but also difficult (the worst combination). As I can never think of what to say or ask and am constantly trying to figure out what's appropriate (eg my answer to "how are you?" Is not naturally "I'm fine"!!). It's also extremely hard to focus on boring conversation which doesn't help matters.

Hate it. I always run out of things to say so then there’s this awkward silence . I just hate it.

I really hate when my coworkers call me and they ask about my weekend, blah blah blah and I’m clenching my teeth trying not to say “please just get to the point!!!” IRS so excruciating 😂

Hate it! Have only realised in the last year or two just how much I actually hate it. I’ve had to give myself a talking to recently because I go through the same cycle almost every time I see someone in a shop situation for example. It’s so much less hassle just to grab what I want, swerve the aisle they’re on and go. I also hate the fact that if I’ve decided that’s the plan I’m following and then it backfires and they see me I have to do the false shock like I had no idea they were in the shop and I haven’t been watching them from a far trying to avoid them like the plague. I’ve promised myself I’ll stop this because this week I went through the usual discussion with myself in my head when seeing a supermarket checkout woman that I know. She very overly loudly shouted hi to me after I’d been there a while and had pretended not to see her. I felt like she was maybe highlighting that I had seen her but I’m not sure. I wasn’t being rude, I think some people just don’t realise how much some people want to avoid the small talk 🤦🏼‍♀️ desperately trying to stop it! T

I agree with @Kanaloa

Small talk opens doors to people. It’s a way to get an angle on someone, to glean some insight into what makes them tick.

People who insist on having some God-given right only to talk about Ukraine or astrophysics or Dostoyevsky right off the bat are often tone deaf, emotionally infantile and lacking in empathy.

Of course if you should find the person you are talking to is also fired up about this stuff you can then go on to have great conversation about these things. But trying to cut small talk out altogether is basically insisting everyone has to always meet you on your own very narrow terms. It’s selfish and needlessly self limiting.

Like hell am I trusting someone I either have just met or know on a social level with my in depth thoughts about meaningful topics. My inner thoughts are for me and my loved ones and close friends - everyone else gets the social chit chat until I feel I can trust them, and even then it's a gradual build.

How do the small talk haters meet new people or make new friends without some sort of opener conversation?

How do you know whether you can talk about the literary delights of War and Peace with someone without ascertaining that they enjoy reading in the first place?

Surely you need some kind of ice breaker?

There’s a difference between first meeting someone and exchanging a few niceties before discovering their likes dislikes and then moving to a fulfilling conversation and being trapped on a bus, in the street etc by someone who can fill an entire conversation with variants of “nice weather for the time of year” one has a purpose as a gateway into something potentially good, the other is pointless drivel to fill a beautiful silence.

I don’t mind it as long as the other person throws the ball back, so to speak. I still remember one ghastly pre Christmas do where I knew nobody but the hosts (who were busy in the kitchen etc.) - I was valiantly trying to make small talk with a couple I didn’t know.

Me: are you going away for Christmas?
Them: No.
Me: Have you finished your Christmas shopping yet?
Them: Yes.
Etc.
Bloody nightmare!

So what do you call small talk versus big talk? Some people are brilliantly entertaining. I have one friend who makes me laugh like a drain because she's hilariously funny. The subject isn't big necessarily. But she wraps it up in a very entertaining way? Would that count as small talk? Or do you mean talk which feels a bit constrained so you can't laugh like a drain? Is that the talk or the occasion though? For example there is nothing more excruciating than networking occasions for work or whatever where you feel under pressure and nervous and where perhaps laughing like a drain might not be totally appropriate. Or occasions where you have to be very polite and restrained? I think the thing about small talk is that it's often in situations where people don't know each other and aren't relaxed so maybe it's that which is unpleasant about it. But like others I was amazed how important the odd remark or verbal interaction became for me during the height of the first lockdown. And it was weird how at one point I almost felt I was losing the ability to speak in those situations. Connection to the outside world is so important. It can make a real difference just to break the ice and see people smile and engage and feel part of a friendly environment rather than seeing a lot of closed off faces. Maybe making small talk a bit more fun or entertaining is the way to go.

It seems there are varying definitions on here for small talk. To me it's an opener - a way of communicating and to find out a bit about people, to show care and to see if there is potential for something more interesting.
If I speak to someone and they grunt or body language shows that they don't want to converse, then I don't.
I don't often use public transport but if I'm at a social event, it comes with an expectation that people will talk to each other. So the 'small talk' is effectively the warm up.
I don't want someone launching at me with political views or boring me with their current favourite topic.
So the 'how do you know the host/did you have a nice weekend etc' is gateway to getting a feel for someone and a method for finding some common ground.
The way I understand it, the small talk itself is just a means to an end. If someone clearly doesn't want to engage, I move on.

I'm team @RampantIvy, @Kanaloa and co.

@Solosunrise

It seems there are varying definitions on here for small talk. To me it's an opener - a way of communicating and to find out a bit about people, to show care and to see if there is potential for something more interesting. If I speak to someone and they grunt or body language shows that they don't want to converse, then I don't. I don't often use public transport but if I'm at a social event, it comes with an expectation that people will talk to each other. So the 'small talk' is effectively the warm up. I don't want someone launching at me with political views or boring me with their current favourite topic. So the 'how do you know the host/did you have a nice weekend etc' is gateway to getting a feel for someone and a method for finding some common ground. The way I understand it, the small talk itself is just a means to an end. If someone clearly doesn't want to engage, I move on.

I'm team @RampantIvy, @Kanaloa and co.

And as an opener it’s fine if there is an intent to move onto something a bit more meaningful. I think the trouble arises when the entire conversation is made up of it to basically fill a void because one person is uncomfortable with silence. If that’s the case many would rather be left alone with their own thoughts.

If I’m sat on a bus etc I might often use the time to think through issues, thoughts, ideas etc, I’ve got a great conversation going on in my head. If I was having that conversation with another person no one would plonk themselves down and start going on about how busy town is, the weather etc so I’m irritated if someone does it whilst I’m having a discussion etc in my mind. If I judge someone is lonely etc talking to them then has a purpose. But someone who talks because they don’t appreciate the value of silence can be bloody irritating.

Totally, @OMG12
I don't like being talked at either. What I was getting at is that it's not the small talk that's the problem, but the failure of people to pick up social cues.