to ask if many people actively enjoy small talk?

[thatsgotit]

Not a journo, long-standing member, just curious. I'm an introvert and can do small talk when it's needed, but oh man, I hate it so much. I do enjoy getting to know people and having conversations that feel to me like they 'go' somewhere, but I just hate the fact that it's not considered socially acceptable to dive into 'meaningful' conversation without the obligatory exchanges about the weather, 'how are you?' (and the obligatory reply of 'very well, thank you' whether that happens to be true or not, rendering the question pointless), etc etc having to be got out of the way first, and as someone who doesn't have kids I'm always forgetting that I'm supposed to ask after other people's, which typically I only remember to do if I actually know the kid in question, or know something significant is going on with them.

If I sound a bit cynical it's just because I find it such a struggle. I accept that small talk serves a purpose in oiling the wheels of communication/breaking the ice etc and it's not that I don't want to find things out about people, I just tend to be more interested in exchanging opinions than facts, I suppose. So I'm curious, do many people actively enjoy small talk?

YABU = 'I enjoy small talk'
YANBU = 'I don't enjoy small talk'

If you did that to me I would feel judged, exposed, and annoyed…that’s probably why it’s socially not acceptable!

But typically for those of us who like deep conversations, they just tend to start naturally if both people are interested in a given topic. If not, the conversation tends to naturally remain on more of a small talk level. In my experience, anyway - I never try to force in-depth conversations on anyone, if they're going to happen they tend to happen organically.

I think that’s what people meant by small talk being necessary though. Obviously if you’re into ‘deep conversation’ that’s fine but it’s not going to be appropriate in many social situations, which is why it’s good to be well versed in small talk.

God it is so tedious. I actively find myself wishing I hadn't bothered.

Depends on my mood tbh

@dayswithaY

I'm really good at small talk, it never phases me. It's a fabulous way to get to know people and can lead onto amazing conversations. Small talk makes the world go round, it's a valuable skill too.

I wholeheartedly agree. I meet lots of really interesting people via ‘small talk’. It’s fabulous!

Today I chatted to a random woman at a train station. We discussed dogs, the Highlands, her daughters amazing sounding Grace & Favour home, Zanzibar, flying, foxes, Battersea Park, baby owls, bird watching and flowers. In around 30 mins!

Will either of us be ‘affected’ by the meeting? No. Did both of us walk away from our chat with a spring in our steps? Absolutely.

Small talk is a real skill. Being able to find common ground with whomever you find yourself with is important and oils the wheels.

@WlNDMlLL

Surely though if you only enjoy jumping straight into 'meaningful conversations' you only enjoy talking about subjects that are interesting to you? How on earth do you ever find that common ground with people if you don't have any sort of chit chat beforehand? I bet you're equally as put out by people who talk about subjects that don't interest you. And what about people you come into contact with daily but have little time to build a proper relationship with - would you prefer to ignore them? I see someone at work for 1-5 minutes every day but over time I've learnt little snippets about her. It would be bizarre if after several years all we had ever said to each other was hello! We literally don't have time for an in depth discussion though.

You've made some extrapolations here that I find odd and quite argumentatively expressed, tbh. To clarify a few points (obviously I can only speak for myself, not other non-fans of small talk, but this is how things are for me anyway):

1. I acknowledge that some small talk is necessary in order to identify the points of common ground that might make people want to start an in-depth conversation relatively quickly. It's all the 'How are you?', 'Lovely weather we're having' etc stuff I find difficult because it's hard, for me anyway, to know what to say once these niceties have been exchanged.

1. Of course I am not 'put out by people who talk about subjects that don't interest' me. It's all part and parcel of general communication. Indeed, it can sometimes be interesting to hear more about things one hasn't previously had an interest in - but small talk can only take people so far along that conversational path. If a person asks to know more about something they're hearing about, the conversation's likely to flow at some point from small talk into a deeper and more specific conversation.

1. And of course I wouldn't 'prefer to ignore' people I see daily but don't get to talk to in depth. I just talk to people about the things that feel mutually relevant, if that's all that time or personality differences allow. At no point in my OP did I say I was only interested in talking to people if I could have an in-depth conversation.

But as you asked me several questions I'm going to ask you one. Do you find conversations that never go past 'How are you?/Very well thank you, how are you?' 'Isn't the weather lovely?/'Yes, but I heard it's going to rain tomorrow'/'Oh, I hope not!' satisfying and not even a tad superficial in themselves? I wouldn't have thought so. Even small talk needs to go somewhere or else the conversation just peters out, which is one of the things I find difficult about it.

YABU

I find people who get very intrusive in early conversation or overshare about details I didn't want to know about their life/opinions very uncomfortable to deal with because they are at best rude and at worse deliberately trying to catch me out in saying something stupid about the very high brow deep talk topic they prefer or share an opinion they don't approve of.

Small talk is a conversational warm up, it lets you test the waters before getting onto deeper talk so that you can avoid wading into dangerous territories like getting into a disagreement with somebody you need to stay on the good side of or tripping into sensitive issues. In small talk you don't have to lie and say 'fine' when asked 'how are you' you just need to meet a causal inquiry with a causal answer - could be better/a bit tired/under the weather/the usual are all fine responses, just not taking it as an invitation to dump all your problems on the asker. Similarly sharing opinions on milder topics lets you feel out the ground for more serious ones, if you launch in with 'I hate XYZ and think everybody who likes it is stupid don't you agree?' it makes for a very awkward conversation if your partner actually doesn't agree but has now been backed into a corner.

I love a bit of small talk, sometimes it's an important dance where you're really saying to someone 'I'm familiar and safe to approach, are you? Other times it's a way to stop and pay attention and really properly listen to someone.. I guess there isn't such a thing as small talk really, it's the space and the quality of attention that are important and not the words. I love a good chat about nothing or something and I always love listening, you never know how you might help someone by listening to their 'small' stuff, it might be the biggest thing that happened to them all day. And if you hear someone's small stuff, they will come back to your with their big stuff if they need to.

Oh and the fact you say you get stuck in small talk doesn't mean small talk is bad, it might mean the small talk is serving it's purpose in letting people test the waters and they are deciding they don't want to get into deeper conversation with you - if you are dismissive and half-assed about small talk then that isn't going to leave people coming away with the reaction of 'thatsgotit is an engaging person I'd like to get to know better' they're going to think 'thatsgotit was acting dismissive and uninterested in our conversation clearly they don't want to talk more'.

OP, I can see I wasn't explicit about this so fair enough, but my comment was a general 'you' to people of the thread (as it was several pages long by this point with lots of contributors), not a load of questions to you specifically. I was trying to understand more about the POV of people who dislike small talk - not sure why that is argumentative. Yes I agree conversations that don't move forward are dull.

I hate it too. I’ve had to train myself at work to discuss what people are having for lunch (a topic of seemingly endless fascination to everyone else) and I can never remember the details of my colleagues children, and what sporting event they’ve participated in. I’m also an introvert but love discussing books and language, and music. Things that I find meaningful.

I see I may have misunderstood - OP, you’re someone who loves to get invested and deep in conversation. Well, sure but when someone does that to me, I feel scrutinised, spot light and less inclined.

Small talk allows for common ground to be found without offence. It’s often the space where disagreement and humour meet.

I hate that awkwardness after :

" hi you ok?"

" yeh you"

" yeh fine "

It makes me cringe 😂😂

@nosyupnorth

YABU

I find people who get very intrusive in early conversation or overshare about details I didn't want to know about their life/opinions very uncomfortable to deal with because they are at best rude and at worse deliberately trying to catch me out in saying something stupid about the very high brow deep talk topic they prefer or share an opinion they don't approve of.

Small talk is a conversational warm up, it lets you test the waters before getting onto deeper talk so that you can avoid wading into dangerous territories like getting into a disagreement with somebody you need to stay on the good side of or tripping into sensitive issues. In small talk you don't have to lie and say 'fine' when asked 'how are you' you just need to meet a causal inquiry with a causal answer - could be better/a bit tired/under the weather/the usual are all fine responses, just not taking it as an invitation to dump all your problems on the asker. Similarly sharing opinions on milder topics lets you feel out the ground for more serious ones, if you launch in with 'I hate XYZ and think everybody who likes it is stupid don't you agree?' it makes for a very awkward conversation if your partner actually doesn't agree but has now been backed into a corner.

I wasn't talking about being intrusive, rude or highbrow, though. I'm certainly none of those things myself.

@IJustLovePirates

I hate it too. I’ve had to train myself at work to discuss what people are having for lunch (a topic of seemingly endless fascination to everyone else) and I can never remember the details of my colleagues children, and what sporting event they’ve participated in. I’m also an introvert but love discussing books and language, and music. Things that I find meaningful.

I find people who say this so better-than. Oh I simply can’t be bothered to engage in trivial talk like everyone else and couldn’t imagine remembering the trivia of other people’s lives. Only the Donna Tartt like deep conversations of literature interest me.

It takes effort to remember the things important to others. Hardly any of us are fascinated in other people’s kids. But we remember to show we take an interest in others. Would I rather talk about African diasporic literature than Shelley’s little girl’s dance recital? Yeah, I would. But will that show her that I’m taking an active interest in her? No. So I join a book group and talk about literature there.

@nosyupnorth

Oh and the fact you say you get stuck in small talk doesn't mean small talk is bad, it might mean the small talk is serving it's purpose in letting people test the waters and they are deciding they don't want to get into deeper conversation with you - if you are dismissive and half-assed about small talk then that isn't going to leave people coming away with the reaction of 'thatsgotit is an engaging person I'd like to get to know better' they're going to think 'thatsgotit was acting dismissive and uninterested in our conversation clearly they don't want to talk more'.

Yes, it would convey that impression if I was dismissive or half-assed. But I wouldn't be, because I'm polite and do enjoy meeting people. "Dislikes small talk" doesn't automatically equal "rude and dismissive".

And then sometimes I’ll meet a colleague equally interested in literature which is lovely. How do I find out? Well they ask ‘any weekend plans’ and I say ‘yeah uni assignment haha’ and then it comes out they’re also interested in literature. Small talk, which leads to big talk. And sometimes it doesn’t but it certainly puts me in a good position with my colleagues because I’ve made the effort to build good relations with them.

Being able to participate in small talk is a vastly underrated skill. It's very obvious when someone can't do it and I feel very sorry for them because they miss out on so much social interaction. Not every conversation has to be deep and meaningful. Sometimes it's just nice to shoot the breeze😀

Small talk leads to deep and meaningful discussion though.

I recently joined a book group. We didn't just dive straight into a highbrow literary discussion straight away. We introduced ourselves first, then started talking about the book we had just read.

I wfh and love the little human interactions I get in the way to/from school or at the shops.
Obviously I would be missing out if these were my only interactions with people but I can’t spend time with my genuine friends every day and although I live my family I also like speaking to acquaintances or strangers.

@FatOaf

I'd love it if someone started with “did you watch question time?”

Curious. My reply to that question would be a rant about how pointless Question Time is, and how insulting I found the suggestion that I might watch it. But I guess I just don't like people talking to me about anything, really.

Out of (feigned) interest, why do you enjoy listening to liars talking shit on television?

So I can shout at the TV. I actually stopped watching it out of irritation buuuuuut the general point still stands.

@YellowAndGreenToBeSeen I actually found your post quite thought-provoking as I enjoy conversations such as the one you described as well. I guess I tend to see 'small talk' as meaning the very limited weather/'how are you' type stuff which possibly isn't what everyone means by small talk.

Quite a few responses on here have mentioned 'deep' conversations, but although I enjoy those in the right circumstances, I don't necessarily see the opposite of small talk as being about always having deep discussions - possibly I've expressed myself a bit inaccurately. Put it this way, I'd certainly never want anyone to feel scrutinised in a conversation with me (I'm prone to self-consciousness myself so would never want to make someone else feel that way), and I don't tend to ask people many questions for that exact reason, unless I know I'm on the same page as that person.

I like "passing" small talk - "Morning, lovely day we're having!" type exchanges which last less than a minute, with people I know by sight but not by name. It's friendly and pleasant. When you get caught in those conversations, though, it's pretty horrifying.

I hate the routine "how are you / how's work / how's X?" kind of conversations - they're boring, people don't want or give real answers and there's only so many lighthearted responses you can use. I'd rather cut straight to the real conversation, whether that's a chat about fun and interesting stuff we've done lately, actual problems, current affairs or special interest topics. I love listening to people talk about things they're passionate about if they know stuff I don't, or have an interesting perspective. Most people have something interesting to say, but you don't hear them when you're too busy offering paired responses about how your day's been.

I don’t like small talk, but I find that most people like talking about themselves so I ask questions. I sort of sit back and watch what they say unfold.
Actually I’m happy to do small talk in a professional capacity, such as when I collect a client I can put them at ease by making appropriate small talk on the way to the consultation room.

Honestly it really depends on how much the other person gives back. If they give as good as they get then it can be quite fun and even easy. If not its like drawing blood oit of a stone.