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AIBU?

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Original poster

To say this pissed me off about my booking appointment ?

555 replies

chattycaterpillar · 24/03/2022 22:18

I had a pregnancy booking appointment recently, and was talking to a friend about this yesterday, and she agreed this equally pissed her off about her's too, ( she had hers 12 months ago in the same NHS trust).

The actual medical questions were almost skimmed over, ( I wasn't asked if I had any medication allergies, even though I have a serious allergy to doxycycline). But the amount of nosy, social questions asked to "judge," your suitability to parent was ridiculous.

Examples on the proforma list included:

  • How long have you been with your partner ? ( Yes, it is a long-term relationship so wasn't an issue for me, but my friend's child was conceived after a short fling and she didn't want to be answering exactly how long it was).
  • What is your highest level qualification/ are you educated to degree level ? ( I'm educated to degree level, but interested in the medical relevance of this. Imagine getting asked that at any other medical appointment ...)
  • Are you employed ? Is it full time work, what do you do for work ? What does your partner do for work ? ( Why on earth is it medically relevant what my partner does as his job ? )
  • Does your partner have any other children ? ( No, but again, not medically relevant...)
  • Do you own or rent your property ? ( Why, do you want to take a look at my mortgage deeds....)

Seemed to be a lot more interested in asking a list of nosy, intrusive questions than either a) a serious physical health condition I have that could impact the birth, or b) my medication allergies.

I'm just trying to work out in what other medical scenario this would be appropriate...

OP posts:
user1471457751 · 25/03/2022 00:01

It's not just medical things midwives need to care about, they also care about the welfare of you and your baby. Unfortunately domestic violence often starts during pregnancy or shortly after childbirth.

As to the dad's age, I can think of a few reasons why it may be: identity purposes, understanding his potential support, risk of certain conditions for the baby (it's not just the mothers age that impacts this)

AnnesBrokenSlate · 25/03/2022 00:04

I hope you showed this attitude in the appointment because it's helpful for the NHS to know if a parent-to-be doesn't understand why safeguarding and medical history questions are important. It points to the fact that you might miss pertinent facts in both those areas because you're too busy being defensive.

DysmalRadius · 25/03/2022 00:07

There are so many factors that impact an expectant mother's ability to manage pregnancy, birth, aftercare and raising a baby, that I'm really surprised you couldn't see the relevance of the questions you were being asked.

Even the quickest glance at the data surrounding child birth and rearing tells you that the age, education and finances of the parents play a huge role in the outcomes for the child, and being able to identify potential issues as early as possible makes it much easier to put support systems in place for the whole family.

While you may not feel as though they are relevant to you, there are several reasons why this kind of information could help someone else, but if you are concerned about their reasons for asking any of these questions then you can always ask their reasons and I'm sure they would be happy to explain it to you. It probably seems a bit overwhelming when you haven't encountered thislevel of scrutiny before, but it will be second nature to the midwives who will be happy to go into more detail if you ask.

waterbill · 25/03/2022 00:09

Some of the comments that have been made to the OP in this thread are shit.

SiobhanSharpe · 25/03/2022 00:11

@AnnesBrokenSlate

I hope you showed this attitude in the appointment because it's helpful for the NHS to know if a parent-to-be doesn't understand why safeguarding and medical history questions are important. It points to the fact that you might miss pertinent facts in both those areas because you're too busy being defensive.
Er, a major part of the OP's complaint was that the questions asked did not go into her own medical history in any depth, and there were issues (the allergy) that she wanted to raise. .
Original poster
chattycaterpillar · 25/03/2022 00:14

@JellybeanMama

My husband and I got asked if we were related prior to marriage at both my booking in appointments with different midwife’s…… (we obviously are not)
Yes , I got asked the same, (again obviously not !) But surely someone in a secretly incestuous relationship is not going to say to the midwife, "yes, my brother's the father !"

I was just a bit irritated that there were so many questions designed to judge or categorize me, but my actual medical condition, ( which puts me at greatly higher risk of needing a c-section), she couldn't have been less interested in.

Also, supposing I had said I'm single/ baby conceived via a one night stand, only been together for a few weeks, what actual support could they refer you into for that ?

OP posts:
Volhhg · 25/03/2022 00:15

YANBU. I hated this too, unfortunately it's the beggining of years of judgement of you as a parent and people asking what you do for a living. It really annoyed me that at hospital appointments the midwives always asked how we met/what jobs we have etc. Even during birth! On reflection I found it quite stressful and slightly intimidating, I wasn't prepared for that sort of thing. I think they thought they were doing an episode of one born every minute but It doesn't really work when you're having a 36 hour labour and on your sixth midwife. I preferred the obstetricians. If I had my time again I would just say prefer not to answer or say something polite but firm that I wasn't going to say. I found when my kids started school teachers and teaching assistants would as what our jobs are. One day a teacher came to visit our house (which was a nice thing to do) do after she asked me what my husband did for a job I asked her what her husband did. She was a little taken aback but answers, hopefully she'll be a little more careful with the nosey questions next time if she doesn't like answering herself.

TheUsualChaos · 25/03/2022 00:16

As many others have pointed out, the booking appointment has many purposes, one of them being to highlight any potential safeguarding issues early on in the pregnancy. The answers to these questions can and do build a picture that raise alarm bells and lead to women and babies getting the protection and support they wouldn't otherwise have if the questions asked were purely medical.

Things like age of partner and level of education might seem irrelevant and most of the time it is. But say you meet a 22 woman with a 55 year man. She is already on baby number 6 with him and she doesn't seem happy about the pregnancy. She left education young, she is a care leaver with no family support network. Suddenly all these "nosy" questions fit together. Now, anyone from any background can be in an abusive relationship. But who would you put your money on? Her? Or the 30something married couple, excited about having their first baby? It's not about being judgemental, it's about trying to pick out the women who are most likely to need help but won't ask for it.

Original poster
chattycaterpillar · 25/03/2022 00:19

Also, it was a phone appointment as I was covid positive etc at the time of the appointment, ( so she changed it to a phone appointment, which was fair enough). But it seemed a bit pointless. She asked if it was supportive relationship etc, and I thought who's going to answer honestly when their partner is next to them anyway lol

OP posts:
PastMyBestBeforeDate · 25/03/2022 00:19

People do marry and have children with their first cousins. My friend did. That does come with a host of medical problems if it's a common thing in your family.

Dinoteeth · 25/03/2022 00:23

Op most of those questions are to help identify who needs extra help and support.

Who is at risk of abuse, huge amounts of domestic abuse starts or escalates during pregnancy.

Which mums are at high risk of PND, which can start pre-birth.

They are looking out for the babies who could be 'at risk' they have to ask questions to try and pick up the kids who could be at risk.

The best bit is when someone has gone through the indepth background checks etc to adopt and assumes that 'natural' parents aren't quizzed on their suitability. Well actually they ask some pretty nosy questions trying to establish what sort of family the kid is being born into.

Volhhg · 25/03/2022 00:28

That is being judgemental though whether or not the reasons for doing it are good reasons. You don't have to answer these questions just find a response that politely says you don't want to answer. I do it quite a lot now, people look mildly irritated and move on.

Stickystickystick · 25/03/2022 00:30

They ask about whether you are a blood relation to your partner as it can impact on the health of your baby. It's quite common in some cultures to marry first cousins. Do you think the midwife would spend hours asking all these questions if they weren't relevant just to annoy you?

TheUsualChaos · 25/03/2022 00:33

Well yes it is judgemental but not in the critical sense. It's about making a judgement on whether someone is at higher risk of domestic abuse, pregnancy complications or child abuse. Please don't confuse professional judgement with prejudice.

TheChronicalTales · 25/03/2022 00:33

As others say those questions are used to screen who needs support and who is high risk.

However I was a bit Hmm when I disclosed that my DP was a firefighter and the midwife immediately gushed how amazing he must be (he is, but she didn’t know that) and how exciting it will be for baby to grow up having Daddy as a fire fighter and claimed he must be very strong and supportive. No further questions asked about the state of our relationship. His shift pattern means he has more than the usual two days off in a row but when he’s working, he’s working and stressed. It can be hard and none of that even came up because she decided how wonderful that job made him.

My notes that were passed over to the perinatal midwife team also included how amazing and supportive he is and we have a lovely healthy relationship. Words that didn’t even come out of my own mouth because the midwife just presumed that.

Volhhg · 25/03/2022 00:36

Yeah there was no way I would have opened up personally to any of the people who assisted with my pregnancys/births, they weren't bad people but didn't find anyone personable. They were very busy which is understandable but certainly not in a position to build a rapport with a patient unless on a very superficial level which I found quite exhausting to keep up with on top of going through pregnancy and giving birth

KnowingMeKnowingYouAhaaaa · 25/03/2022 00:38

But it's a way to screen if you'll need extra services involved/signposting towards help with accomodation or financial support. They also ask about if the pregnancy was planned, again it's to do with support if unplanned. There are heaps of medical questions they ask about your physical and mental health as well as if you have certain diseases run in either yours or your husband's family. I didn't take offence to any of the questions, I did laugh when they asked if I was related to my husband though 🤣.

LemonadeSunshine · 25/03/2022 00:45

From this point on it's not all about you and your feelings.

It's to try to identify / protect / prevent harm to a helpless human.
Suggest you change your mind-set as that helpless human is much more vulnerable than your feelings.

Volhhg · 25/03/2022 00:53

Unless you think it will help you personally I really don't think telling a midwife what you do for a living is essential for your unborn helpless human being.

PyongyangKipperbang · 25/03/2022 00:55

If you think you're being judged now, just wait until the baby is here!

Midwives are not psychics, they cant tell when you walk in that you are in a healthy happy relationship with a stable home, good finances and reliable job. Thats why they ask the questions.

You didnt need any support, good for you. But many women do and these questions help to identify them, I wish they had been asked when I was having my first in less than ideal circumstances in 1990.

Rather than being judged, I suspect your biggest issue is paranoia and I find that interesting.

ArtVandalay · 25/03/2022 00:58

I think those questions are relevant and reasonable.

Jellybellyfun88 · 25/03/2022 01:05

With the greatest respect OP, you sound very naive and defensive. Others have put it more diplomatically than me.

Read up on the social and economic determinants of health. And domestic abuse - it's rife.

Midwives play a key role in supporting women during pregnancy when risk of abuse is heightened. Did you know the greatest danger to a woman is in her home?

Women without partners, one night stands etc may need additional support.

I'm glad these questions are being asked.

DropYourSword · 25/03/2022 01:06

Yes , I got asked the same, (again obviously not !) But surely someone in a secretly incestuous relationship is not going to say to the midwife, "yes, my brother's the father !"

This is actually just a really ignorant thing to say. There are plenty of people who marry their cousins. It's relevant medical information. And they disclose it during their appointment.
The questions are written for EVERYONE. Your midwife isn't having a special nosey onto your situation specifically. These are standard questions everyone is asked. Just like everyone should be asked about domestic violence. There's no "obviously not" to that question either. And most people are understanding and thankful to be asked because it indicates that midwives care, and will do something about it if DV is disclosed.

I think you need to loosen your righteous judges pants on this one!

babywalker56 · 25/03/2022 01:08

Also, supposing I had said I'm single/ baby conceived via a one night stand, only been together for a few weeks, what actual support could they refer you into for that ?

Literally what support could they give you? None.

I've had my fair share of interesting questions that makes me think what the hell but the one that gets me recently is health professionals asking if my kids have the same dad....

I have a 10 month old and I'm 36 weeks pregnant. So I got pregnant with my second when my first was only 3 months. Every single health professional I've come into contact with (except for my GP) has asked if they have the same dad. They do have the same dad but what exactly are they going to do if they didn't? Raise an eyebrow at me, jot it down and move onto the next question?

I personally stuggle to see how that question is asked in a way to help and support you rather than to judge you. It 100% is to judge you

SingingSands · 25/03/2022 01:08

OP, you say:
"I was just a bit irritated that there were so many questions designed to judge or categorize me, but my actual medical condition, ( which puts me at greatly higher risk of needing a c-section), she couldn't have been less interested in."

But this was just your booking in appointment. Your possible c-section isn't quite relevant yet. At this stage the midwife needs to build a picture of who you are, your domestic and social situation. Your actual medical condition will be discussed in due course when it becomes more relevant.

Do you understand what everyone on this thread is telling you? That there is a bigger picture to look at? Midwifery appointments are not just medical appointments for the mother, midwives are there for the well-being and safety of the baby too.