DH has hidden my make up bag

[AttackCat]

So I am a messy person. DH is a tidy person. This is probably one of the biggest causes of day to day minor disagreements between us.

DH has been complaining about me leaving my make-up bag on the bathroom worktop (it can fit in the cupboard directly under the worktop). He often puts it away if I leave it out (which I often do).

He warned me that if I kept leaving it out, he’d hide it. I went to put my make up on this morning and yes, he has hidden it.

I’m not a huge wearer of make up (I’ll do the school run with a bare face) but I have a client meeting on zoom today so need to look vaguely presentable. I’ve managed to find a tinted moisturiser and a mascara but the make up bag isn’t in any of the bathroom cupboards so he’s properly hidden it.

So who is being unreasonable?

YABU - your fault for being messy
YANBU - DH shouldn’t have hidden your make up even though he’s put up with 20 years of your mess

You are not a dog or young child. I wouldn't even do that to a teen!

@Bumtum126

But, if the sexes were reversed on this one and a dh had repeatedly left an item lying around making a mess then plenty of people on mumsnet would be encouraging the woman to hide it/bin it or whatever else.

Yep

Spot on. There have been many “messy husband” threads where the advice has been to bin things, or scoop them all into a bin bag, with an added side of “he’s disrespectful, he should tidy up after himself, LTB “

[quote GreenFingersWouldBeHandy]This is so sexist. And this article has been quoted so many times by women complaining about their husbands.

It's not just the cups or the make-up bag. It's about a general lack of respect.

www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288[/quote]
The difference I would say in most of the threads on this subject is that the DH is not just making a mess but actually making the woman's life more difficult as she is the one doing the laundry, cooking, cleaning etc.

If leaving a makeup bag on the counter is actually causing a problem or a job for the other partner then yes - should be put away. If its a matter of the preferences between neat freak and untidy then they both need to compromise.

If make up is put in the bag and the bag left out then that sounds fine to me. Individual items left scattered around with lids off and spilling their contacts would be a different matter.

Personally in your shoes Id use this as an opportunity to buy more at dh's expense but that doesn't help your immediate problem both with regard to your meeting and also with what to do with your dh.

@C8H10N4O2 spot on.
Also, maybe others would, but I'd never encourage a DW to hide a DHs razor, charger whatever when it would be needed for work that day. The DH is out of order.

Both of you need to grow up and start treating each other with a bit of respect in the home you share.

He shouldn't have hid your make up but you said yourself you dont make a concious effort to be tidier. You continued to disregard his feelings when he asked you to be less messy until he felt he needed to do something that would get your attention and piss you off enough to care. Looks like it worked.

Now, if he doesn't hand it right back having proved his point, then you have a problem with a control freak.

The cup thing I don't get either. I have about a million cups of tea per day, if I used a fresh mug every time I'd use alllll my mugs - so of course I leave my mug out on the side, so I can grab it and use it again later. does'nt everyone do this? or am I gross? Will usually wither pop in the dishwasher or wash and put away at the end of the day before I go to bed. Why is this 'disrespectful'? I'd be bloody irritated if my DP 'tidied it away' - I'm still using it!

DH is a tidy person, I’m a messy person. Do you know what he did? He bought me a make up organiser for the bathroom so I could have it out and it be presentable. What your DH did to you is bullying and in your position I’d stop doing everything for him.

And a make up bag isn't 'a mess'. That's the purpose of the bag, to contain the mess!

I think YABU, point well made by DH 😅

@C8H10N4O2

the DH is not just making a mess but actually making the woman's life more difficult as she is the one doing the laundry, cooking, cleaning etc

No, I really don't think she is. She's the one leaving a trail of mess behind her and he's the one cleaning it up.

Well, and I say this as someone who is messy but also gets frustrated by mess, you will likely not forget again. I also have adhd, and we don't do it deliberately.

DH is a tidy person, I’m a messy person. Do you know what he did? He bought me a make up organiser for the bathroom so I could have it out and it be presentable. What your DH did to you is bullying and in your position I’d stop doing everything for him.

My (tidy) DP did this for my deodorant/toner/moisturiser etc that I was leaving on top of the bookcase near the mirror in our room. Because he recognised that it was OUR room, and a perfectly reasonable place for that stuff to be, but HIS preference was for it to be contained somehow. Because he recognises that his preferences are not the final word in what is acceptable. Because (although our different styles may wind each other up sometimes) he's not an arsehole.

@Easterbunnyiswindowshopping

Surely as an adult and equal in your home and marriage you can leave your make up bag where the fuck you want?

This. He shouldn't make the rules and he doesn't get to warn you and then punish you because you both have different levels of comfort around mess.

FWIW DH is incredibly tidy too and I'm completely not. Not messy and dirty but just don't need immaculate clear surfaces, I'm happy living with clutter! It does wind him up but he's learnt it's his issue as much as mine and if he wants to tidy up that's his choice. I'd lose my shit if he deliberately hid my things because he didn't agree with where I'd put them, and a bathroom counter is a perfectly reasonable place to leave a make up bag!

@Easterbunnyiswindowshopping

Surely as an adult and equal in your home and marriage you can leave your make up bag where the fuck you want?

This. 100%.

It’s not the same as the dirty mugs example. Why can’t you keep your makeup bag on the side?

If it's in the makeup bag, it's surely more away than it being all over the place. Have you asked him where it is? It does seem like a punishment you'd give to a child.

He shouldn't make the rules and he doesn't get to warn you and then punish you because you both have different levels of comfort around mess.

Equally, she doesn't get to make the rules and leave mess everywhere.

Threads like this make me so glad I live alone. Not just because of the OP but many of the comments! I have ADHD and it’s true that we just don’t notice things in the same way. I promise myself over and over I won’t let coffee cups build up in my room. Yet as I look around now I can see 4! As I said, I live alone, so it’s not like I’m expecting someone else to come and take them away, and I will get around to it. But that is how I am. The idea of living with someone who would get mad (and “punish” me) for things like that genuinely puts me off even bothering with a relationship. I couldn’t live with that level of stress.

I’m not “dirty” (even though some on here would probably equate the coffee cups to that!). I do make sure my bathroom and kitchen are clean and hygienic. I have cats and am fastidious about their litter trays. But no I don’t immediately put things away. Some days the house looks fairly messy, sometimes spotless, depends on my motivation. I also get distracted very easily which doesn’t help.

Anyway, I do think it’s childish of him to hide the make up bag and I would also say the same if the sexes were reversed.

My first reaction was that I’d be incredibly annoyed at my DH for this (not specifically the make up, but hiding my belongings).
However my Dh is incredibly bad at putting things away and it frustrates and upsets me no end. Might sound a bit dramatic but ever time I go around tidying other peoples things away it makes me feel disrespected and like a skivvy. So I can understand his frustration and what might have led to him hiding your bag.

Overall though, I just don’t think hiding someone’s stuff is a mature and sensible way to deal with the issue.

One thing that has helped me is having baskets. Then if there’s other peoples mess I shove it all into a basket. I’ve told my Dh things ge5 put into this basket when they’re left all about the place (things like AirPods on the kitchen side, a drill on the window sill, a pile of coins on the cupboard. It makes me feel better because the mess is away but it leaves the stuff for him to sort through in a safe space so it’s not lost.

[quote GreenFingersWouldBeHandy]@C8H10N4O2

the DH is not just making a mess but actually making the woman's life more difficult as she is the one doing the laundry, cooking, cleaning etc

No, I really don't think she is. She's the one leaving a trail of mess behind her and he's the one cleaning it up.[/quote]
I was responding to the point that this situation is the equivalent to women posting about untidy DHs.

I've seen nothing from the OP to say she leaves a trail of mess for him to clear up. Unless the surface in the bathroom is tiny and the makeup bag is in the way there is no need for it to be put in a cupboard other than personal preference.

I'm not sure it's really relevant what a load of us think. What's relevant is whether the two of you can resolve this between you.

I don't think that hiding your makeup bag was a great choice on your husband's part, but I wonder if you can put that aside and work toward a compromise. Leaving a makeup bag on the counter doesn't sound like a massive deal, but then neither does popping it into the adjacent cupboard because the clutter bugs someone else. Each adult has a duty to be decent and respectful to the other.

Both of you need to be respectful of each other's quirks. Presumably you love each other and therefore it's worth trying to sort things out.

Probably a bit immature but why can’t you just put it away? It’s annoying living with people who can’t tidy up after themselves.

I’d just ring him and ask where’s he’s put it and ha ha he’s made his point.

Why does everything have to be pathologised? I am chronically untidy and it's just the way I'm made. It isn't something that can be labelled.

OP, my XH was very tidy and we used to disagree about this. We kind of met half way, which might be what you and your husband could aim for. You need to try a little bit harder to put a few things away, and he needs to stop being anal. If he wants the make-up bag putting in the cupboard in the bathroom, there's nothing to stop him doing that, but he can't just hide it.

I am not the tidiest of people. I'll say that up front.

But, having said that, if there is something I use every day, then I want it out where I use it. I don't see the benefit in having a clear side if it means I'm getting the toaster in and out of the cupboard every day.

So I have a question. Are toothbrushes/toothpaste out on the side somewhere (perhaps in a container) or are they packed in a cupboard? How about shampoo/shower gel/razor?

Because if they're out, then it's him being inconsiderate of the fact that you use this every day, so it has as much right to be accessible as a razor or toothbrush.

If they're hidden away, then you also have the right to be annoyed at making a bathroom look empty in preference to useful.

In any case, hiding it is childish and off.

You both live in the same space so you both have a right to do what you want as long as it's not anti social, dirty or dangerous. You can leave a make up bag where you want , not unreasonable at all. I couldn't live with such a tosser.