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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH has hidden my make up bag

575 replies

AttackCat · 24/03/2022 09:08

So I am a messy person. DH is a tidy person. This is probably one of the biggest causes of day to day minor disagreements between us.

DH has been complaining about me leaving my make-up bag on the bathroom worktop (it can fit in the cupboard directly under the worktop). He often puts it away if I leave it out (which I often do).

He warned me that if I kept leaving it out, he’d hide it. I went to put my make up on this morning and yes, he has hidden it.

I’m not a huge wearer of make up (I’ll do the school run with a bare face) but I have a client meeting on zoom today so need to look vaguely presentable. I’ve managed to find a tinted moisturiser and a mascara but the make up bag isn’t in any of the bathroom cupboards so he’s properly hidden it.

So who is being unreasonable?

YABU - your fault for being messy
YANBU - DH shouldn’t have hidden your make up even though he’s put up with 20 years of your mess

OP posts:
PutinIsAWarCriminal · 24/03/2022 10:16

@TheYearOfSmallThings 🤣

Vallmo47 · 24/03/2022 10:16

I don’t think he should have hidden it OP but I completely understand his frustration. If roles were reversed I think many would side with the person hiding/binning as well. Fwiw I think you can look presentable as long as you are clean and have a tidy appearance. Make up makes me feel more confident but I usually go bare because I shouldn’t be feeling like that.

TabithaHazel · 24/03/2022 10:16

He is only being unreasonable if he is refusing to tell you where it is. It must be so annoying for him constantly living in your mess - my DH is the same as you and it is really frustrating, and I'm not even particularly fussy!

ddl1 · 24/03/2022 10:17

Assuming that it's a closed bag, rather than lots of pieces of make-up lying around higgledy-piggledy, (which I can see would be annoying), I think his reaction is way over the top. In any case, he's acting like a parent punishing a child for disobedience - not at all appropriate in an adult relationship.

StationaryMagpie · 24/03/2022 10:18

@Beees

Leaving something as an adult doesn't mean you're expecting the other adult to do it.

Except in most cases this is exactly why people leave their mess behind and don't bother to make the effort to move dirty cups or tidy up their clutter.

They are absolutely expecting someone else to come along and sort it out for them, if they weren't they would just out the stuff away in the first place.

Nope.

I have ADHD, so yes i leave stuff around.. i put it down and forget it, i get distracted...etc.

However, at no point am i doing it on purpose, or with the intent that anyone in the household should pick it up, i will do it myself later when i am tidying up/doing the housework.

When i live in a space i have EVERY right to leave/put my possessions wherever the fuck i like, without someone else having a stick up their ass because its not where they think it should be at any given time.

My kids are both also ASD/ADHD and are equally forgetful about stuff.. i just remind them to come get things/put them away and get on with my day.. i have NEVER once even considered hiding it/throwing it away, its their house too.

Helenahandkart · 24/03/2022 10:18

My husband leaves his stuff everywhere. It drives me crazy, particularly when I can’t cook dinner because he’s left books and computer cables all over the worktop. I’ve spent 20 years moaning about it/ tidying up after him.
The recent revelation that he has ADHD has been a game changer. I finally understand that it’s not laziness. His brain (as you describe upthread) has moved on and he doesn’t see it.
He is also late for everything, and forgetful.

Could this be what’s happening for you? Might be worth looking into. I feel much less angry about it now I understand the cause.

Beees · 24/03/2022 10:19

Cups and makeup bag are not the same thing.

The OP also leaves dirty cups out though amongst probably many other things so given dirty cups is worse in your opinion do you think her DH is now more reasonable in his actions?

Vallmo47 · 24/03/2022 10:19

Just wanted to add that it’s probably not just about the make up bag always being left. Op is messy in her own words and that’s beyond frustrating to live with. So for those saying why can’t the make up bag just sit there. Ok why can’t your husbands just leave his clothes all over the floor? It’s not like it’s a hazard. Come off it- we all have something our partners do that drive us nuts. A messy person would be annoying for me. I’m sure it’s not JUST the make up bag OP leaves around.

BettyBotte · 24/03/2022 10:19

@NoSquirrels

You need to troubleshoot how to be tidy when you’re naturally not, and come up with visual solutions (not cupboards with closed doors) that are not offensive to him.

Go to the ClutterBug YouTube channel and see the 4 different ‘styles’ of organising.

You are almost certainly a visual organiser who needs open solutions like baskets on worktops to throw stuff in.

Your DH is obviously someone who prioritises hidden organising solutions (cupboards).

The good news for you is that the more detailed, hidden organiser has to compromise more to your style.

So, instead of the makeup bag either on the counter or in the cupboard, you could have a basket that’s visually uncluttered but you can contain the makeup bag inside.

Or alternatively, just tell him to stop being such a controlling twat.
Sosigsandwich · 24/03/2022 10:21

I don't understand why you wouldn't put it away after you've used it?! Genuinely I don't understand why once you've finished with something it's not put away.

NoSquirrels · 24/03/2022 10:22

BettyBotte but what I took from OP’s posts and tone is that they do understand they’re frustrating to live with and would like to frustrate their partner less.

I agree he’s being a twat about this, but if they both worked on a compromise that solved the issue - and insisting the makeup bag goes in the cupboard is not the solution! - then they’d both be happier.

Winniewonka · 24/03/2022 10:22

I would be tempted to pull every single item of his out of his wardrobe, drawers, cabinets. Wherever he keeps something and leave in a heap for him to put away. Tell him you were looking for your make up bag.

NoSquirrels · 24/03/2022 10:23

@Sosigsandwich

I don't understand why you wouldn't put it away after you've used it?! Genuinely I don't understand why once you've finished with something it's not put away.
Because your brain is wired differently. Lucky you!
StationaryMagpie · 24/03/2022 10:24

@Helenahandkart i have a house full of baskets in convenient places.. they're great for putting things in, then later i can go sort the basket and put stuff away.. they've been a game changer.

Often the trick is to find a way to get a dopamine release with a task, it makes it much easier to get done. (also why we leave stuff til the very last minute)

MargaretFromAccts · 24/03/2022 10:24

people losing their rag here are the same people that come to mn every other evening complaining about their OH leaving cups everywhere and being generally messy. And these sorts of suggestions are normally put out lol.

Funny when it's been swapped. OP I do hope he gives it back when you ask and you can laugh about it later x

LadyPropane · 24/03/2022 10:25

It's not ok because now you will be living in fear of him doing stuff like this. If he tells you he doesn't like something then you'd better make sure you take notice and remember not to do it or else your things will be taken away from you.

But seriously, just put the make up bag away when you've finished. 20 years of him putting it away for you every morning, as well as tidying up all the other messes that you've said you leave, sounds fucking soul destroying. I'm married to a "messy person" and after a while of you having to pick up something after them, despite reminding them daily, you just start to lose respect for them and become resentful.

nettie434 · 24/03/2022 10:26

I agree that there is a difference between leaving out dirty cups and a make up bag. You admit you are messy. He is not. That will be difficult for him to live with. However, he needs to accept that hiding a make up bag can look controlling. Putting the make up bag away looks tidier but it's very different to a bathroom shelf full of dirty make up brushes and make up.

If you do go down the line of seeing if you have ADHD then it might help you find strategies that will help you. However, is he a bit obsessive himself? It's not good to label one partner if both partners might have a problem.

Tuaca That sounds really extreme to me. Straighteners are manufactured so they turn themselves off automatically to allow for human error like forgetting to turn them off.

Merrymouse · 24/03/2022 10:26

Leaving makeup all over the counter would be messy, but just choosing to have the bag on the counter isn’t.

LakieLady · 24/03/2022 10:26

I used to live with someone like this and it drove me insane. I'd spend all day walking around on eggshells while they nit picked about mine and the kid' 'mess' while completely ignoring their own mess. The house was never messy though, just lived in. For example, I'd use the iron, leave it on the side to cool down, rush out to do the school run or something but then come back to threats of him leaving me if I did it again. However, he would be allowed to leave the iron out to cool down while he went out

I used to work with someone whose DH was like that. He left for work and got home before her, and would have a huge rant about stuff that had been left out for perfectly good reasons.

She took to sticking post-its on stuff, saying things like "meat left out to defrost, do not put in fridge", "boots too muddy to put away, no time to clean" and "socks not quite dry, left on radiator to air".

It worked a treat. Not only did he stop having a go at her, he quite often put the things away or did whatever was necessary to get them into a condition where they could be put away.

TatianaBis · 24/03/2022 10:26

@Sosigsandwich

I don't understand why you wouldn't put it away after you've used it?! Genuinely I don't understand why once you've finished with something it's not put away.
I have a makeup table with drawers and a mirror. Absolutely not putting it away in a cupboard.
Original poster
AttackCat · 24/03/2022 10:26

@FabFitFifties

Hi OP, I imagine because your husband has been asking for a long time, he feels you don't care that your messiness upsets him. You admit it's the thin edge of the wedge. If you do have a challenge like ADHD, and remembering to be tidy as you go isn't realistic for you, there are other ways to lessen the impact on your husband. How about setting aside times, everyday, to actively tidy away, as your one and only focus.10 mins before bath, bed, breakfast etc. Make a list to follow ie, cups, clothes, make up, and go round focusing on the one thing at a time, ticking off the jobs. Explain you are doing this to your DH. Ask him to remind you if needed and don't be arsey if he does so nicely. He might then feel you are then trying to make the house better. Be open about your difficulties and seek support if you really think there is an underlying cause, other than laziness or don't care. If he's still an arse, when you make consistent, maintained effort, that's another situation to look at. I'm sure you'll look fine, with hair done, tinted moisturiser and mascara. Are you sure you don't have a lippy in the car, a pocket or a bag? (Given your habit of not putting things away 🤣). Failing that, just keep thinking, I look gorgeous 😍
Thank you, this is constructive and helpful! Smile
OP posts:
TedMullins · 24/03/2022 10:27

in isolation, him hiding it does seem controlling, but if you admit yourself that this is the thin end of the wedge and you're regularly leaving things strewn around, I can see why it infuriates him. Just put it away. Stick a post it note on the bathroom wall reminding you if you need to. I had an ex that used to leave half-drunk cups of tea on every surface around my small flat. The last straw was when he forgot to take his shoes off after walking the dog in a muddy park (I had told him several times to remove shoes at the door) and left a muddy footprint on my rug. I threw him out and dumped him. It might not be intentional but it comes across as incredibly disrespectful.

cloudyrain · 24/03/2022 10:28

DH is similar at it drives me mad, although after 30 years I just get on with it, having separate spaces helps! He isn't a neat freak but does seem to have a place for most things and nowhere near as many belongings as me or the DC.

Examples
I leave my keys on the stairs, he puts them somewhere safe, so I spend 10 minutes looking for them before ringing him up.
The DC (when they were little) left shoes, socks etc on the sofa he put them in the waste bin, I spent years checking the waste bins before I emptied them.
Stacking the dishwasher, I put everything in, he does his stuff only.

I don't want loads of clutter and mess but equally I want to feel comfortable in my own home so yes I will keep a couple of pairs of shoes out, thank you.

He has bad habits too, such as piles of post to sort, boxes of cables and computer bits just in case and many incomplete DIY projects.

TatianaBis · 24/03/2022 10:29

@Beees

Cups and makeup bag are not the same thing.

The OP also leaves dirty cups out though amongst probably many other things so given dirty cups is worse in your opinion do you think her DH is now more reasonable in his actions?

I know she does. He can hide the cups if he likes.
C8H10N4O2 · 24/03/2022 10:29

Why is it his decision on where the makeup bag sits? Is your stuff all stowed inside it so it is just the bag? If so I can't see what the problem is with keeping the bag on the side unless its tiny with little space to put anything.

If he is a neat freak and you are the opposite you both need to compromise a bit. Neither position is correct in itself.