DH has hidden my make up bag

[AttackCat]

So I am a messy person. DH is a tidy person. This is probably one of the biggest causes of day to day minor disagreements between us.

DH has been complaining about me leaving my make-up bag on the bathroom worktop (it can fit in the cupboard directly under the worktop). He often puts it away if I leave it out (which I often do).

He warned me that if I kept leaving it out, he’d hide it. I went to put my make up on this morning and yes, he has hidden it.

I’m not a huge wearer of make up (I’ll do the school run with a bare face) but I have a client meeting on zoom today so need to look vaguely presentable. I’ve managed to find a tinted moisturiser and a mascara but the make up bag isn’t in any of the bathroom cupboards so he’s properly hidden it.

So who is being unreasonable?

YABU - your fault for being messy
YANBU - DH shouldn’t have hidden your make up even though he’s put up with 20 years of your mess

Your husband should read the threads on here where women describe their horribly messy partners who leave their shit everywhere and follow the advice given to those women.
This includes
Going on strike
Gathering everything and putting it on the messy persons side of the bed
Putting it in a bin liner
Throwing it away
Etc etc

Does he look like Patrick Bergin?

@SamphiretheStickerist

When he comes home and places his keys up neatly on the key rack/in a bowl, wherever, take them and hide them well. They offend your untidy nature and you cannot abide them being there so perfectly tidy.

And don't give them back. Make him late for work. Have an equal negative impact on his work as he is having on yours. Make him feel the same anger and ineffectualness you are currently feeling.

Then, when he has finished shouting, ask him why his preferences, his work, his rage is so much more important than yours?

He can talk, discuss this, treat you like an equal or he can choose to be petty and ridiculous. You can play his game too, if you chose to. Does he feel safe in his own home knowing that? Is that what he want to live like? Never knowing of the person who is supposed to love him is not above playing stupid little tricks to upset and annoy him?

Because you don't like the thought of that any more than he does!

How pathetic would that be. The OP is clearly in the wrong here. Tit for tat is crazy. She has said there are cups everywhere. She can rearrange her meeting or turn her camera off.

Ive hidden my dps phone because im sick to death of him losing it, turning the house upside down searching for it and accusing people of moving it. The final straw was him waking me up at 5am asking where it was.

So I hid it.

Dps retaliated by taking part in his own sponsored silence.

Im fine with that, I get the tv remote and don't have to listen to him droning on about Everton.

I retaliated by refusing to cook......solely because he cannot see his wrongness...

Is this abusive? No, no it is not. It is however extremely satisfying and his inability to see why I was pissed off is also hilarious

Oh and the phone's in the meter box.

Fuck that. You’re not a naughty child. If mine did anything like that he’d live to regret it.

How timely this post.

Is the make-up bag the updated ‘used glasses left by the sink’’?

Leaving dirty dishes by the sink

@AttackCat, if your DH has asked you to not leave stuff out or doing something that bothers him to the point of him asking you not to do it or accommodate him, yet it is not that big a thing to you, why would you not do so? He has asked, not told or demanded.

He has taken an extreme action because he is making a point & now you are paying attention.

For a tidy person or someone who has tidy habits, to live with mess or whose attention to tidiness is trashed, this can be very stressful & chronically disappointment.

Both of you have sensory & behavoural preferences, e.g. messy people may put down, tidy may put away. Same object in the hand, different placements by default.

The art is to prioritise what really matters & accommodate each other.

Me, I am small, Him is tall. It really pisses me off when he puts everyday stuff away out of my reach. I find it really inconsiderate & thoughtless, whereas from his POV, he has put it away neatly within his reach.

It took some pointed conversations for him to ‘get it’, including some cups of tea with no tea leaves because I couldn’t reach the new box of tea put away on the top shelf 😉.

Yes, hiding your makeup bag is petty, but it sounds like he's at the end of his tether. You say you're messy and he's tidy and you've already said on this thread that you leave cups everywhere, as well as your makeup bag on top of the counter - I'd bet that these aren't the only two areas in which you're messy and he's probably (rightly) sick of it.

I'm the messy one in my relationship and I make efforts every day to put my stuff away. Yes, it's unconscious sometimes to just leave something where it is, but it is possible to change this and actually put stuff away - after a few years practise, I'm a hell of a lot better at it than I was previously.

Just talk to him, ask him not to hide your makeup bag anymore because it's just plain mean, but tell him you'll make genuine efforts to be tidier (and follow through!)

YANBU, my DP is very untidy but I would never hide his things to be spiteful. From his POV it can be frustrating if you're constantly having to deal with someone else's mess, especially if the solution is quick and simple, like putting dirty cups in the dishwasher rather than on the side.

I second a PP's previous post recommending Clutterbug organisational styles on Youtube. The makeup bag on the side imo is an aesthetic thing rather than being a mess that needs to be tidied up. Obviously there needs to be compromise on both sides and it's a case of pick your battle, rather than pulling your partner up on every small thing that's not to your liking. I would love for our house to have everything out of sight and neatly organised, but my DP's mind doesn't work like that. As a result, I tolerate more clutter than I would if I lived alone. I broach the need for some level of organisation in the home from the perpective that it's saving my DP time as he's not constantly looking for things. This seems to work better for him than me feeling like I'm nagging at him to put stuff away.

@ittakes2

My brain is like your’s ie once I have done something I forget about it and it makes me very messy. I have discovered I have inattentive ADHD - maybe google this and see if it applies to you.

I was going to ask if the OP has looked into this too! I also have inattentive type ADHD.

Just put your shit away
Simple.
I am your husband in this scenario, no way is this just about a makeup bag!
The OP has already admitted to leaving dirty cups around, I'm sure there will be plenty of other things she just 'doesn't see' that he picks up after her like the magical cleaning/tidying fucking fairy.
The OP's genuinely dismissive attitude to her husbands frustration is shocking. He didn't wake up one day and decide to hide her makeup bag to annoy her.....she admits he has been putting up with her messiness for 20 (probably bloody long) years.
If a woman posted this she would be told her husband is disrespectful to her and she should ltb.
Funny how when OP posts it from the perspective of a woman she is told her husband is controlling.
The OP needs to get her shit together as far as I am concerned, the husband should not have to be putting up with her 'messiness '.

OP - your husband is an arse. He's not your boss and has no right to 'punish' you in this way.

And to everyone casually mentioning OCD as if it's the same as being ultra tidy: it really isn't and I wish people wouldn't use the term so casually. It's a terrible, exhausting mental health condition. My son has recently relapsed so I have personal experience. If only it was as simple as wanting things put away neatly, but it's far more complicated and upsetting than that.

This is fundamentally different to glasses by the sink though - and yes, I did have a box I put all the stuff that ex left lying around, from post to mugs - because that was random things left random places for days (weeks!).

This is a makeup bag, in use every day - it's the equivalent of a kettle, or a toothbrush left on the side - it's a container with daily use items in it.

Looking at the responses here, all these years sharing accommodation with selfish people just make so much more sense. I have lived in six different countries. Only us Brits are like that. No wonder no one likes us! Honestly, it is not normal and completely disrespectful. If you don't want to be treated like a child, don't behave like one.

As I tidy person, I understand his frustration, but I do think it was a bit churlish. I would be tempted to do it myself though if I'd asked something nicely many times and the other person hadn't made any effort to change their behaviour at all.

I think YABU. I couldn't live in a messy house. My husband has a man cave which is cluttered and I feel stressed just entering. After twenty years, if you care about him, surely it's not hard to just put your makeup back in the cupboard!

This is fundamentally different to glasses by the sink though

She admits that she leaves cups everywhere too and that the bag is just the thin end of the wedge.

Petty, childish and controlling. I'd expect that maybe a parent might do it to teach a child a lesson, but this is two grown adults we're talking about.

Something so minor shouldn't bother DH this much, and even if it did, he should suck it up and get on with his own life instead of playing games.

Exactly what % of MNers need to receive an armchair diagnosis of ADHD before we can agree that they’re not neuro divergent or differently wired at all.

So you’re one of huge swathes of “normal” people who don’t put things away. Fine. Why as an adult, does it need suggestions of allocating 10 minutes a day with a list to tidy up?

Hide his shirts

It's tour house. if you want yo leave your bag there then you can leave it there. I would go fuckibg mental at this. How dare he hide your stuff. You aren't a child.

Haven't read full thread but he's in the wrong.

Let the war commence move all his socks and if he shaves hide his razer 🤣 honestly I wouldn’t even mention it to him if you can manage on mascara and tinted moisturiser don’t even mention the bag being missing. I’d just start randomly hiding stuff he needs.

If I am honest a messy untidy person would be a deal breaker for me. In a previous role it staggered me how some people live when I visited them.

It indicates that you cannot be bothered and dare I say it lazy as anything.

@Synchrony

I think YABU. I couldn't live in a messy house. My husband has a man cave which is cluttered and I feel stressed just entering. After twenty years, if you care about him, surely it's not hard to just put your makeup back in the cupboard!

A make up bag on a bathroom counter isn’t a messy house. As a pp said, it’s akin to the kettle or toaster on the kitchen worktop.

For you make up specifically why does it need to live in a bag in the cupboard? Stuff in regular use would be better stored in a pot/tub on display.

You need for everything to have a place it lives that is easy and works for you. DH needs to accept more surface "clutter" whilst you also mentally try and include "and tidy up" to the end of all your tasks.