DH has hidden my make up bag

[AttackCat]

So I am a messy person. DH is a tidy person. This is probably one of the biggest causes of day to day minor disagreements between us.

DH has been complaining about me leaving my make-up bag on the bathroom worktop (it can fit in the cupboard directly under the worktop). He often puts it away if I leave it out (which I often do).

He warned me that if I kept leaving it out, he’d hide it. I went to put my make up on this morning and yes, he has hidden it.

I’m not a huge wearer of make up (I’ll do the school run with a bare face) but I have a client meeting on zoom today so need to look vaguely presentable. I’ve managed to find a tinted moisturiser and a mascara but the make up bag isn’t in any of the bathroom cupboards so he’s properly hidden it.

So who is being unreasonable?

YABU - your fault for being messy
YANBU - DH shouldn’t have hidden your make up even though he’s put up with 20 years of your mess

"leaving it there for him to put away"

Why is there this assumption that it being left means that its been left for the other person? If i leave my stuff somewhere, its my stuff to put away later/at a time thats convenient to me.

I laboured this point with my obsessively tidy ExH so fucking often. I did the housework, the dishes/laundry/tidying..etc, so if i've left some dishes by the sink, or recycling by the back door.. i've left it there for ME to do LATER.

Leaving something as an adult doesn't mean you're expecting the other adult to do it.

Oh my god, I couldn’t have this. YANBU.

It’s so weird. And if someone ever dared to hide my makeup… 😱

He’s a dick for doing this

@Sandinmyhooves

Yeah but she’s not leaving dirty stuff lying around, she literally put her make up bag put on the surface. You can put your shit where you want! What a prick.

I agree. You are both adults sharing a space. If you are leaving dirty undies / crockery on show that'd be annoying. But clean personal appearance items on a day when you have work? To put in the cupboard is fine. To deliberately 'hide' is spiteful imo.

You need to troubleshoot how to be tidy when you’re naturally not, and come up with visual solutions (not cupboards with closed doors) that are not offensive to him.

Go to the ClutterBug YouTube channel and see the 4 different ‘styles’ of organising.

You are almost certainly a visual organiser who needs open solutions like baskets on worktops to throw stuff in.

Your DH is obviously someone who prioritises hidden organising solutions (cupboards).

The good news for you is that the more detailed, hidden organiser has to compromise more to your style.

So, instead of the makeup bag either on the counter or in the cupboard, you could have a basket that’s visually uncluttered but you can contain the makeup bag inside.

He's not your bloody dad, he's your husband. He doesn't get to set the level of tidiness acceptable for the whole household just because he's neurotic. HIBU and I would be hiding as many of his things as I could get my hands on.

I'm on the fence here.

We've got a massive shoe cupboard in our hallway, but DH persistently leaves his on the floor just inside the back door. I can't tell you how many times I've fallen over them. And yes I've hidden them as I'm bloody furious over it.

I actually put one pair in the bin after I fell over them carrying a bag of dog food in ..............

@viques

I would be rootling through his tidy spaces looking for my make up bag, and I wouldn’t be de rootling the mess afterwards…….

Dh did this to me once. My reaction meant he has never tried to spit again

He got obsessed with one item I didn’t put away and then one day he hid it to teach me to be tidier.

I turned the house upside down looking for it. Pulled everything out of cupboards to find it. Which I eventually did

The thing is dh gets twitchy if things are untidy but would never do any housework or clear up and I don’t see mess. I can quite happily walk right past it. So for his moment of trying to teach me a lesson it took about 3 months before things were tidied away.

I was diagnosed with adhd last year and people know that despite my age and normal laidback persona if you even mildly annoy me I either brush things off or do something unexpected.

This is so sexist. And this article has been quoted so many times by women complaining about their husbands.

It's not just the cups or the make-up bag. It's about a general lack of respect.

www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288

podcast.clutterbug.me/e/how-to-blend-different-organizing-styles-together-in-one-home/

Is anyone else getting Sleeping with the Enemy vibes?

I am, and not just from the OP's husband!

It's not clear whether you've asked him for it and he's refused

In any case I'd be furious

Leaving something as an adult doesn't mean you're expecting the other adult to do it.

Except in most cases this is exactly why people leave their mess behind and don't bother to make the effort to move dirty cups or tidy up their clutter.

They are absolutely expecting someone else to come along and sort it out for them, if they weren't they would just out the stuff away in the first place.

He's being an arsehole!

@MimosaFields

I'm with your DH on this one. It would drive me nuts to live with someone so messy

That's your problem. It's not a crime, he's not her father & he has no right to inconvenience her day.

@BoodleBug51

I'm on the fence here.

We've got a massive shoe cupboard in our hallway, but DH persistently leaves his on the floor just inside the back door. I can't tell you how many times I've fallen over them. And yes I've hidden them as I'm bloody furious over it.

I actually put one pair in the bin after I fell over them carrying a bag of dog food in ..............

Again, rather than the hidden cupboard if you tried a basket with an open top - no doors, no lids - then he (or you!) could just throw the shoes in.

You have to get rid of the barriers. If a shoe cupboard doesn’t work as a solution it doesn’t work.

You sound a nightmare to live with. I'd be gathering all the junk up and putting it in a black bin bag.

It's your home too so you can live in it however you want to and if you want to leave your make up bag on the counter then you can. You're also allowed to forget to put it away without being disciplined like a naughty child.

So what if you're messy and he's tidy? That doesn't mean he gets to control how you live in your own home or have the final say on where things go. Yes you could both compromise and meet in the middle somewhere but you don't have to. He should stop being so controlling and if he doesn't like living with your make up bag on the side he can either put up and shut up or move out.

I'm certainly not advocating for you to leave bin bags overflowing, washing up everywhere and dirty clothes on the floor but your actual possessions can be left anywhere you want them to go in your home. I'm sure he puts his possessions where he wants them.

I used to live with someone like this and it drove me insane. I'd spend all day walking around on eggshells while they nit picked about mine and the kid' 'mess' while completely ignoring their own mess. The house was never messy though, just lived in. For example, I'd use the iron, leave it on the side to cool down, rush out to do the school run or something but then come back to threats of him leaving me if I did it again. However, he would be allowed to leave the iron out to cool down while he went out..

[quote GreenFingersWouldBeHandy]This is so sexist. And this article has been quoted so many times by women complaining about their husbands.

It's not just the cups or the make-up bag. It's about a general lack of respect.

www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288[/quote]
How about the lack of respect for the OP's way of living?

Why are people assuming she isn't the one responsible for the housework any way? So what if she leaves things around, if she's the one doing the dishes/housework, she'll do it later.

Neurotically/controlling tidy people are beyond annoying to live with. They do not get to dictate how the house runs.

@Beees

Leaving something as an adult doesn't mean you're expecting the other adult to do it.

Except in most cases this is exactly why people leave their mess behind and don't bother to make the effort to move dirty cups or tidy up their clutter.

They are absolutely expecting someone else to come along and sort it out for them, if they weren't they would just out the stuff away in the first place.

Bullsh*t. It just means they're not as uptight as you.

@OnceMoreWithoutFeeling

He's not your bloody dad, he's your husband. He doesn't get to set the level of tidiness acceptable for the whole household just because he's neurotic. HIBU and I would be hiding as many of his things as I could get my hands on.

I don't think getting frustrated by OP leaving out her make up bag, cups everywhere etc makes him neurotic.

You can like a house to be tidy without insisting on it being spotless.

My house is definitely 'lived in' but dirty cups and plates lying around would piss me off.

If he’s taken it to make a point and he’s instantly contactable to tell you where it is - and will tell you immediately with a good grace… then I think it’s fine. Even though it’s pointless in changing your behaviour, I don’t think it’s horribly malevolent to do it.

If however it’s hidden and he refuses to tell you, or he’s gone out or to work knowing he’s uncontactable for you to ask, then he’s an arsehole.

[quote GreenFingersWouldBeHandy]This is so sexist. And this article has been quoted so many times by women complaining about their husbands.

It's not just the cups or the make-up bag. It's about a general lack of respect.

www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288[/quote]
Cups and makeup bag are not the same thing.

There’s no rule that says makeup is kept in a cupboard. In a bag on a worktop is fine.

@Zilla1

Must be sexism and the OP's DH is entirely reasonable if she has repeatedly ignored his instruction to put her make up bag away. Might be interesting if he follows her instructions about much or whether the instructions and control flow more in one direction.

"his instruction"!

He's not her fucking boss, or a policeman. He's her husband, an equal partner.

Even my boss doesn't give me "instructions" (save for in the showing me how to do things sense). She asks me to do things. And if I think there's a good reason why I can't, or it's not a good idea, we discuss it, like adults.

It just means they're not as uptight as you.

How is it uptight not to want to live in a house full of dirty pot and clutter. It's a perfectly normal part of being a grown up and taking responsibility for yourself and your belongings.

The bit for me is why can't you leave a make up bag on the counter? I mean, I could understand if he didn't want the make up spilling all over the place, but frankly, a make up bag with make up inside it on the bathroom counter seems like a perfectly reasonable thing to me. Tidy doesn't necessarily have to mean it's invisible.