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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH has hidden my make up bag

575 replies

AttackCat · 24/03/2022 09:08

So I am a messy person. DH is a tidy person. This is probably one of the biggest causes of day to day minor disagreements between us.

DH has been complaining about me leaving my make-up bag on the bathroom worktop (it can fit in the cupboard directly under the worktop). He often puts it away if I leave it out (which I often do).

He warned me that if I kept leaving it out, he’d hide it. I went to put my make up on this morning and yes, he has hidden it.

I’m not a huge wearer of make up (I’ll do the school run with a bare face) but I have a client meeting on zoom today so need to look vaguely presentable. I’ve managed to find a tinted moisturiser and a mascara but the make up bag isn’t in any of the bathroom cupboards so he’s properly hidden it.

So who is being unreasonable?

YABU - your fault for being messy
YANBU - DH shouldn’t have hidden your make up even though he’s put up with 20 years of your mess

OP posts:
GlendaSugarbeanIsJudgingYou · 25/03/2022 18:29

@Baileyscheesecake

YABU - on 2 accounts Ignoring his requests and saying despite this you will still leave the make up out. You are disrespecting his feelings and by saying you will still continue to do it you are sending him a clear message that you don’t give a f**k about how he feels. Also if you had said to him ok I get the message now and won’t do it again but I have an important meeting and I need it would he have told you where it was. But he won’t give it back if you say I’m still going to carry on with my behaviour even though I know it really upsets you and I don’t blame him. As you’ve been ignoring his polite requests he has had no option but to resort to this. It’s not controlling - it’s the actions of a man fed up of being ignored. Red light for your relationship - you are taking him for granted.
Bollocks.

Why does he get to decide where she puts her makeup bag?

ozymandiusking · 25/03/2022 18:30

Throw his tooth brush on the floor near the toilet, not necessarily hidden but inconvenient.

SpidersAreShitheads · 25/03/2022 18:35

@ozymandiusking

Throw his tooth brush on the floor near the toilet, not necessarily hidden but inconvenient.
Haha 😅😅

I reckon OP should go one step further and surreptitiously go around the house leaving her DH's things out in every room so it looks as if he's being messy. He'll be so concerned with trying to be tidier himself and wondering how he's leaving things out, that he might leave the OP alone.

(Before there's a pile on, I'm obviously joking. Would be hilarious though.)

gingerhills · 25/03/2022 18:42

YANBU. It is as easy for him to put it away as it is to hide it so his behaviour is driven by his desire to punish you. Unpleasant. Surely you tolerate foibles of his and help him out with things he's weaker at than you (E.g. ever watched a man with rugby paws try to sew on a shirt button?) Long marriages are full of give and take. He shouldn't have made you feel unprepared for a Zoom meeting. Have a word.

PupInAPram · 25/03/2022 18:44

Christ I'm glad I live alone.

Rainallnight · 25/03/2022 18:44

I would do my fucking nut if DP hid my make up bag

HELLITHURT · 25/03/2022 18:46

@Baileyscheesecake

YABU - on 2 accounts Ignoring his requests and saying despite this you will still leave the make up out. You are disrespecting his feelings and by saying you will still continue to do it you are sending him a clear message that you don’t give a f**k about how he feels. Also if you had said to him ok I get the message now and won’t do it again but I have an important meeting and I need it would he have told you where it was. But he won’t give it back if you say I’m still going to carry on with my behaviour even though I know it really upsets you and I don’t blame him. As you’ve been ignoring his polite requests he has had no option but to resort to this. It’s not controlling - it’s the actions of a man fed up of being ignored. Red light for your relationship - you are taking him for granted.
Disrespecting his feelings! What fucking bollocks!
Kjpt140v · 25/03/2022 18:53

Serves you right.

pomers · 25/03/2022 18:54

How very nasty and controlling. Humiliation (making you feel uncomfortable for a meeting) is abuse. Does he display abusive behaving other ways. He will probably gas light you when you say something, ‘you were warned’; or ‘don’t be so over sensitive etc’. Very unpleasant it’s your home too, leave your make up bag out if you want, you are being treated like a child

HELLITHURT · 25/03/2022 18:57

@Kjpt140v

Serves you right.
Why?
NurseBernard · 25/03/2022 18:59

I'm also not sure why her husband gets to decide where she's allowed to leave her makeup bag.

He ‘gets to decide’ in the same way I get to decide that my family members can’t leave their dirty laundry scattered on the bedroom floor. They have to put it in the laundry basket.

FML - when men are messy and leave their shit places, whether it’s clothes or cutlery, hell hath no fury like the women of MN.

The solutions range from dumping it on his side of the bed (even if it’s dirty dishes), putting it in a bin bag, throwing it out (much worse than hiding it - after several warnings.

But when a women does it, and the man objects, he’s being ‘controlling’.

FML. I cannot believe I’m reduced to sticking up for the poor menz (I’m sure they all have ADHD too).

But seriously…. Confused

Santaslittlemelter · 25/03/2022 19:01

I can’t figure out which way to vote but I do feel weirded out that we have an actual thing called ‘bare face’ as women.

HarryBlaster · 25/03/2022 19:08

Based on your response to leaving cups outside of the empty dishwasher as well as the make up bag issue, then yep, YABU.

Moser85 · 25/03/2022 19:09

Lots of comments about how when men do it women are encouraged to throw his stuff out or do x or y.

Often in those cases the men do NOTHING around the house, and expect the women to find and pick up their clothes and have them washed and ready to wear when he needs them....and he often complains if his favourite shirt that he left on the floor isn't washed and ready for when his lordship wants to wear it.

They also expect dinner made for them every day while not washing a cup and so on.

StationaryMagpie · 25/03/2022 19:10

A make-up bag is not the same as dirty cup/dishes, laundry, rubbish..etc.

Its equivilant to leaving a shaver on the side, or the shampoo bottle on the shower shelf, or a pencil case/art book being left on the table by where you sit, or the laptop not being put in a bag and left out on the desk...etc

Its a possesion that gets used regularly, and is more of a hassle to put away and get back out, then it is to just decide the work/table/sink top is its designated place.. as long as its not directly in the way, and tidy, then both men and women have every right to expect it will be left where they have decided it should live.. not where someone else in the house has decided it should be.

We have a right to have autonomy over the home of our regularly used possessions, without being punished like a child when the other person doesn't like it.

NigellaAwesome · 25/03/2022 19:17

@PoshPyjamas

Shit in his shoes!
Grin Grin
Bleachmycloths · 25/03/2022 19:21

I’m usually ‘pro wife’ and ‘anti husband ‘ because so many men can be bullies but it is infuriating living with an untidy person. Learn to be tidier. Develop tidy habits. You must drive him mad. Being constantly untidy is pretty immature and irresponsible.

Yourcatisnotsorry · 25/03/2022 19:23

When you find it please write ‘I want a divorce’ in lipstick on the mirror

shssandhr · 25/03/2022 19:23

Why the fuck can't you just put it away? Same for the cups.

It's probably pissed him right off over the years and although it seems like nothing to you, it's a big thing to him.
I suggest reading this (someone might have mentioned this in the 17 pages). This guy wrote about his wife divorcing him for leaving cups on the side and how he didn't understand why she left him but it gradually dawned on him that she felt he did not care about her because he was unable to do this one small thing that she had asked him to. Have a read of this if you have time to get a different point of view.
www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288

Mamamamamia · 25/03/2022 19:29

I never put away my make up as i just have to pull it all out again the next day again.
Buy a vanity dresser so it can all be tipped into a drawer ot ar least contained in one area lol.
Glad he told you where it was: my tidy DH would do this, then forget where he planked it!!

grannieali · 25/03/2022 19:30

Every woman needs a sacrosact separate dressing table with drawers for make up, hair things, face creams etc.This should be located against a window wall. If absolutely no space, then a shelf unit betterthan nothing. Doing your face in a shared bathroom is a poor idea. My " makeup bag" has always meant a small bag with essentials kept in a handbagp

AllOfUsAreDead · 25/03/2022 19:35

Yabu. He's asked you time and time again to do something simple. If this was reversed, this thread would have been full of ltb.

But maybe to help yourself remember, put a note up where you do your make up to put it away again? Might help you to remember.

HELLITHURT · 25/03/2022 19:35

[quote shssandhr]Why the fuck can't you just put it away? Same for the cups.

It's probably pissed him right off over the years and although it seems like nothing to you, it's a big thing to him.
I suggest reading this (someone might have mentioned this in the 17 pages). This guy wrote about his wife divorcing him for leaving cups on the side and how he didn't understand why she left him but it gradually dawned on him that she felt he did not care about her because he was unable to do this one small thing that she had asked him to. Have a read of this if you have time to get a different point of view.
www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288[/quote]
Because putting it away would. be pandering to his obtuseness?

HELLITHURT · 25/03/2022 19:36

@AllOfUsAreDead

Yabu. He's asked you time and time again to do something simple. If this was reversed, this thread would have been full of ltb.

But maybe to help yourself remember, put a note up where you do your make up to put it away again? Might help you to remember.

Wouldn't that note be like really messy though?
Whatthefuck3456 · 25/03/2022 19:36

Completely agree with your partner. I would have binned it for the pure boneidle of yourself