Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH has hidden my make up bag

575 replies

AttackCat · 24/03/2022 09:08

So I am a messy person. DH is a tidy person. This is probably one of the biggest causes of day to day minor disagreements between us.

DH has been complaining about me leaving my make-up bag on the bathroom worktop (it can fit in the cupboard directly under the worktop). He often puts it away if I leave it out (which I often do).

He warned me that if I kept leaving it out, he’d hide it. I went to put my make up on this morning and yes, he has hidden it.

I’m not a huge wearer of make up (I’ll do the school run with a bare face) but I have a client meeting on zoom today so need to look vaguely presentable. I’ve managed to find a tinted moisturiser and a mascara but the make up bag isn’t in any of the bathroom cupboards so he’s properly hidden it.

So who is being unreasonable?

YABU - your fault for being messy
YANBU - DH shouldn’t have hidden your make up even though he’s put up with 20 years of your mess

OP posts:
Madre123 · 24/03/2022 17:07

My husband would never dream of ever touching any of my things let alone hiding them somewhere I would not find them! I would be extremely pissed off....immature

Blossomtoes · 24/03/2022 17:15

@TheBeautifulMoors

Yabu. How hard can it be to just pop it into a cupboard, instead of leaving the area looking untidy?
How untidy can a make up bag make a bathroom?
HELLITHURT · 24/03/2022 17:19

@Madre123

My husband would never dream of ever touching any of my things let alone hiding them somewhere I would not find them! I would be extremely pissed off....immature
I know! Can you actually imagine going to get something that you own and it's been hidden. I'd be fucking furious with DH.
MaudieandMe · 24/03/2022 17:31

I'm messy and DH is tidy.

If DH tried that stunt or tried to change me in any way, we'd be getting a divorce.

You either accept your partner with their perceived faults and all, or you split up. You can't change someone's basic personality traits but you can change your rigid attitude towards them.

xfgdhfgnhkk007 · 24/03/2022 17:35

@Easterbunnyiswindowshopping

Surely as an adult and equal in your home and marriage you can leave your make up bag where the fuck you want?
Exactly. I hate fucking tidy people. So controlling!
Benjispruce5 · 24/03/2022 18:05

It’s controlling and put of order to hide an item that an adult needs . I get that he’s pissed off but actually hiding it is well out of order. Hide his car keys op!

Snoozysnoozy · 24/03/2022 18:09

It’s controlling and put of order to hide an item that an adult needs . I get that he’s pissed off but actually hiding it is well out of order. Hide his car keys op!

🤦🏼🤦🏼🤦🏼🤦🏼

Benjispruce5 · 24/03/2022 18:11

As revenge.Then he’ll get it.

AryaStarkWolf · 24/03/2022 19:20

[quote toomuchlaundry]@AryaStarkWolf the OP has admitted she does leave dirty cups lying around too, and this was the last straw for her DH[/quote]
I was commenting on the particular incident that the op was asking about though, there is mo justification for hiding your partners things and certainly not to teach them a lesson

ilovechocolate07 · 25/03/2022 17:32

Erm.... He warned you!?! Are you his child? NO 👎

1974devon · 25/03/2022 17:34

Yes totally this!! He's not your parent..leave it where you want.

Bonbud · 25/03/2022 17:38

@Easterbunnyiswindowshopping

Surely as an adult and equal in your home and marriage you can leave your make up bag where the fuck you want?
Exactly!! If someone did that to me, I'd ho nuts!! 😡
AnnieSnap · 25/03/2022 17:39

I’m with your DH. My DH is incredibly untidy. One thing left above or beside the cupboard it should go in is all very well and fine, but with an untidy person, it’s never one thing, or the odd thing. Instead it’s so many things all the time. I spend most of my time biting my tongue and erupt occasionally!

Tessabelle74 · 25/03/2022 17:43

Flip this and all those outraged at the childish behaviour would be encouraging it! Why do you continue to do something that clearly upsets your husband? It's just laziness and frankly just as childish as him hiding it

Newbeginnings90 · 25/03/2022 17:43

I'd be really annoyed at this sort of retaliation.

While I can see if he's asked you repetitively to put it away, and you haven't, why he'd be annoyed. I don't think he should have hidden it.

AnnieSnap · 25/03/2022 17:44

Just to add, I have never and would never, hide anything of my DHs. I don’t need to, he spend way too much time as it is looking for his stuff because he never puts it away. Your DH may have been a bit out of order with your make-up bag, but he still has my sympathies.

MrsPetty · 25/03/2022 17:46

The idea of being married to someone who would do that to me is honestly quite shocking. He’s treating you like a bold child that needs ‘to learn a lesson’. Why can’t you leave your make up bag where it’s most convenient for you? I leave mine on our bathroom counter - my husband loves it! We don’t live together and he says he loves seeing all my ‘girl things’ that are an utter mystery to him. I’d be having a word about acceptance, tolerance and your right to choose…

catsandquails · 25/03/2022 17:48

That's a really odd thing to do. I can see why he's annoyed, my OH drives me mad leaving his stuff lying around. But I wouldn't hide things.

Insanelysilver · 25/03/2022 17:49

Maybe you should try to remember to pop your makeup bag into the cupboard
as it bothers your DH.
A relationship therapist would no doubt tell you your husband doesn’t feel ‘heard’. He’s repeatedly told you how something you do is bothering him and it would make him feel listened to if you try to put it away.
Having said that, he absolutely doesn’t get to punish you by hiding it as though you’re a naughty child. That is not acceptable.
I’d hold his car keys, phone or iPad to ransom and arrange a prisoner exchange , but tell him you appreciate he finds your being bag left out annoying and you’ll try to remember to put it away in future. Hopefully both prisoners will be returned swiftly and unharmed lol

Snoozysnoozy · 25/03/2022 17:59

I’d hold his car keys, phone or iPad to ransom and arrange a prisoner exchange

😂😂 now that's funny

Fairislefandango · 25/03/2022 18:11

Flip this and all those outraged at the childish behaviour would be encouraging it!

No they wouldn't. If the OP were the tidy one, complaining about her dh leaving a specific item out, the opinions would then be divided along the lines of very tidy people defending the OP and everyone else would defending the dh.

Michellelovesizzy · 25/03/2022 18:16

Sorry but u r what ur I bet U have loads of lovely points.... ur messy my partner is messy Lool it annoying but that’s all... he shouldn’t be hiding ur stuff and make up is a big deal 4 a woman. It ur husband at fault x

SpidersAreShitheads · 25/03/2022 18:20

I'm glad you and your DH found it funny OP. Personally I'd be fucking furious if a partner infantilised me in that way. The sex of the individuals involved is irrelevant - I wouldn't encourage a woman to hide her partner's belongings to teach them to behave. Genuinely, are you a child or an equal partner??!!

I have ADHD and I'm autistic. Funnily enough I really really like things being tidy but if I don't have an exact place where something belongs then it's a car crash and I'll lose everything. I can lose things without even moving. Not even joking about that. And it's not a matter of "not trying", my brain just doesn't work like other people's does.

If I was described, most people would say I'm messy - except that I don't mean to be and I don't like it. My DP is genuinely messy and doesn't give a shit, and it drives me bonkers. Once things start to get messy, I struggle to organise a tidy up and I struggle to start - especially if there's not an obvious place where things "belong".

Much as I like a tidy house, I couldn't live with someone who is super tidy because I'd be constantly anxious that I'd fucked up and left things lying around by accident. Even though my DP drives me round the bloody bend by being untidy, I'd much rather deal with that than worrying I was annoying someone.

We all deserve to be able to relax in our own homes rather than fret about "being taught a lesson" due to leaving a makeup bag on the bathroom side. Balls to that.

Baileyscheesecake · 25/03/2022 18:24

YABU - on 2 accounts Ignoring his requests and saying despite this you will still leave the make up out. You are disrespecting his feelings and by saying you will still continue to do it you are sending him a clear message that you don’t give a f**k about how he feels. Also if you had said to him ok I get the message now and won’t do it again but I have an important meeting and I need it would he have told you where it was. But he won’t give it back if you say I’m still going to carry on with my behaviour even though I know it really upsets you and I don’t blame him. As you’ve been ignoring his polite requests he has had no option but to resort to this. It’s not controlling - it’s the actions of a man fed up of being ignored. Red light for your relationship - you are taking him for granted.

SpidersAreShitheads · 25/03/2022 18:27

@Baileyscheesecake

YABU - on 2 accounts Ignoring his requests and saying despite this you will still leave the make up out. You are disrespecting his feelings and by saying you will still continue to do it you are sending him a clear message that you don’t give a f**k about how he feels. Also if you had said to him ok I get the message now and won’t do it again but I have an important meeting and I need it would he have told you where it was. But he won’t give it back if you say I’m still going to carry on with my behaviour even though I know it really upsets you and I don’t blame him. As you’ve been ignoring his polite requests he has had no option but to resort to this. It’s not controlling - it’s the actions of a man fed up of being ignored. Red light for your relationship - you are taking him for granted.
This is all great - but the OP has already said she suspects she has ADHD and is considering going for assessment. If she does have ADHD there's no such thing as "just" putting it away. The ADHD brain doesn't work like that.

Saying that you'll try yet admitting that you'll probably forget is just being honest.

I'm also not sure why her husband gets to decide where she's allowed to leave her makeup bag.