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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH has hidden my make up bag

575 replies

AttackCat · 24/03/2022 09:08

So I am a messy person. DH is a tidy person. This is probably one of the biggest causes of day to day minor disagreements between us.

DH has been complaining about me leaving my make-up bag on the bathroom worktop (it can fit in the cupboard directly under the worktop). He often puts it away if I leave it out (which I often do).

He warned me that if I kept leaving it out, he’d hide it. I went to put my make up on this morning and yes, he has hidden it.

I’m not a huge wearer of make up (I’ll do the school run with a bare face) but I have a client meeting on zoom today so need to look vaguely presentable. I’ve managed to find a tinted moisturiser and a mascara but the make up bag isn’t in any of the bathroom cupboards so he’s properly hidden it.

So who is being unreasonable?

YABU - your fault for being messy
YANBU - DH shouldn’t have hidden your make up even though he’s put up with 20 years of your mess

OP posts:
Lockheart · 24/03/2022 13:12

The next thread I see with an exasperated OP and a messy DH I shall be sure to tell her she's a controlling bully who is treating him like a child and it's his house so he can leave his crap wherever he pleases.

Original poster
AttackCat · 24/03/2022 13:12

@SexyLittleNosferatu

The armchair diagnosing of ADHD on here is getting utterly ridiculous.

I think your husband is a controlling prick OP although it's strange you've only posted a handful of times on your own 11 page thread.

Well I’ve spent the morning in the aforementioned client meeting! Sorry!

The ADHD thing - yes obviously no-one can diagnose me on the basis of leaving a make-up bag on the side but as it happens I do have other behaviours which are ADHD-like and I have been considering going for a diagnosis.

OP posts:
LadyMacduff · 24/03/2022 13:18

I disagree @Rosehugger . Cluttered surfaces next to a sink make it harder to wipe down. Sinks are busy areas and clutter can be easily knocked over, leading to things falling all over the floor needing picked up. I think it's a reasonable request to ask her to put it in the cabinet directly adjacent, and I think she is inconsiderate not to do so. Living with someone, whether romantically linked or not, is about consideration.

Original poster
AttackCat · 24/03/2022 13:18

Well I spoke to DH when he got back from the school run. Asked him where the make up bag was, he told me. I rolled my eyes at him, he rolled his eyes at me, we laughed about it and moved on. This is how somehow, despite being chalk and cheese, we are still together after 20 years!

I think it was a bit cheeky for him to move it and if i’d have been less amused if I’d had a real need for a full face of make up, but frankly he does put up with a lot.

The funny thing was after retrieving the bag, and putting make up on I then couldn’t remember if I had actually then put it away or not and had to go back and check Blush

OP posts:
Whinge · 24/03/2022 13:18

@Lockheart

The next thread I see with an exasperated OP and a messy DH I shall be sure to tell her she's a controlling bully who is treating him like a child and it's his house so he can leave his crap wherever he pleases.
Yep, it's crazy how many are being sympathetic to the OP and vile about her partner actions, simply because he's a man.

OP has already admitted this is about much more than a make up bag, but yet posters seem blind to how frustrated the DH must be with the situation.

Should he have hidden the make up bag - No.
Is he at the end of his tether by 20 years of OP leaving a mess - Absolutely

TangledNemo · 24/03/2022 13:21

I think the problem is OP’s partner is annoyed at constantly cleaning up after OP. He sees the makeup bag sitting out and thinks ‘it would take two seconds to put that away. Why can she not even do that?’. Op then agrees to do it, so husband gets more and more annoyed every time he sees it sitting out as he thinks she just doesn’t care. Problem is, the makeup bag is the wrong thing to focus on, as OP doesn’t agree it’s messy. Neither person is unreasonable really, but a compromise is needed. Ie the bag stays sitting out but OP puts away her cups instead.

WilsonMilson · 24/03/2022 13:22

Living with you would drive me insane, I’m a tidy freak and it really upsets me when things aren’t in an orderly fashion.
That said, he’s a dick for hiding your make up back - that’s not the answer.

SirChenjins · 24/03/2022 13:26

As I look around the house and garden at DH's mess which, after 27 years of marriage is not even mildly amusing anymore, I wish I had your DH's strength of character. Sadly DH has accumulated so much crap that I wouldn't know where to start to hide everything. Living with mess is physically and emotionally draining.

Merrymouse · 24/03/2022 13:27

OP has already admitted this is about much more than a make up bag, but yet posters seem blind to how frustrated the DH must be with the situation.

Yet for some reason OP hasn’t given other examples except for a few cups.

If the issue is leaving mess after making g food or dumping shoes in the middle of the room or never picking up dirty laundry, why not say?

Snoozysnoozy · 24/03/2022 13:29

DH wouldn’t dare!!!!!!

Are you always this controlling? What else wouldn't he dare do for fear of your reaction? Poor guy.

MargosKaftan · 24/03/2022 13:34

OP, I think you need better coping strategies if you think you have adhd. As you can see, you know the make up bag out upsets him and you can't remember to put it away. In the drawer it currently "lives", is there space for something like a cutlery tray? Remove all the make up and put it directly on the tray in the drawer. As you clearly put each bit if makeup back in the bag as you go, could you put it back in the drawer as you go then just shut the drawer at the end. Keep the bag with luggage for when you go away.

For mugs, could you have your special mug, and only use that one, so you wash it up in between and at most you only have left one out at most. It sounds like you will only ever see the point you put a mug down is the end of your part of having a brew, you don't think of putting the mug in the dishwasher as the end point of having a cup of tea/coffee. So it might be easier for you to tackle the start point and by only allowing yourself to use one mug, you have to go find it if its not in the cupboard, you aren't "allowed" to start with a new mug.

For someone like you, you need to look at start and end points of tasks and accept you won't find it easy to add a new end point on for you.

Snoozysnoozy · 24/03/2022 13:42

Yet for some reason OP hasn’t given other examples except for a few cups.

Because that has the potential to support her husband's side of the argument. Much better to let us think it's a couple of things rather than it being a large scale problem

Mydogmylife · 24/03/2022 13:42

@Easterbunnyiswindowshopping

Surely as an adult and equal in your home and marriage you can leave your make up bag where the fuck you want?
So DH can presumably leave dirty cups etc where the fuck he wants as well then? The double standards are quite jaw dropping
godmum56 · 24/03/2022 13:43

@Tuaca

My DH broke my straighteners because I kept leaving them on! He also takes photos of my shoes that I leave around the house. He is tidy I am not.
I'd do that too, leaving straighteners on is bloody dangerous
username9871028 · 24/03/2022 13:47

No, he shouldn’t have hidden it so yanbu. Aside from that though, how hard is it for you to just put it away? I’d be pissed off if I lived with someone who was messy and disorganised too.

diddl · 24/03/2022 13:48

I think if your make up is in the bag & the bag is to the side & not in his way then him putting it away is his choice rather than a necessity.

It's not extra work that you have created like not putting things in the dishwasher so that he needs to do that rather than just being able to put his stuff in before switching it on.

However if he does need to pick up after you to get stuff done I can see how the make up bag could seem to be the proverbial strw.

Bananabutter · 24/03/2022 13:52

YABU. Don’t be so careless and thoughtless. “I just forgot” is not an excuse.

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 24/03/2022 13:54

A make up bag isn't a dirty item.

LookItsMeAgain · 24/03/2022 13:57

@AttackCat - YOU are being massively unreasonable.

He has put up with you leaving cups on the side (you admitted you do this) and he's put up with you leaving your makeup bag on the bathroom worktop and on the latter, he has given you plenty of warning and advised you that if you do that again, he'll hide it on you. Tough that you have a Zoom meeting, in my opinion. If the meeting was as important as you make it out to be, you would have been more careful with your make up bag and put it back in the cupboard under the bathroom sink.

If the roles were reversed and it was a wife on here complaining that her DH kept leaving his dirty socks/jocks on the bedroom floor or having been asked to put the tea bag directly in the compost bin/regular bin and he repeatedly didn't do it, and the wife had said if he kept doing it she would hide his phone/iPad/something of importance to him and then followed through on it, he would be flamed and it's very possible the comment that he clearly doesn't respect his wife because he is not doing something that is clearly upsetting his wife and driven her to take such actions. I also wouldn't be surprised if the wife was told to leave her husband and find someone who doesn't do that.

What are you going to do about your habits that are clearly upsetting to your DH?

Clymene · 24/03/2022 14:03

Do we think the husband treating the OP like a naughty child is going to make her tidier?

Because I don't. So that begs the question of what the point of doing it is. There isn't any. It's just spiteful and childish.

Fossilsmorefossils · 24/03/2022 14:04

Hide all his underwear tonight.

Lockheart · 24/03/2022 14:05

@Easterbunnyiswindowshopping

A make up bag isn't a dirty item.
Actually, most people's make up brushes, sponges etc are dirtier than toilet seats.
Luredbyapomegranate · 24/03/2022 14:05

Leaving your make up bag out on a bathroom shelf isn’t being messy, it’s where it lives. If you use something everyday it’s easier to have it out than in a cupboard.

I’d be very chilly indeed with him about this - he needs to know he crosses a line. and stop labelling yourself as messy. I suspect in his head it makes you a child.

Zilla1 · 24/03/2022 14:07

Of course it's dirty. Everything to do with the woman that her DP doesn't want out is dirty dirty dirty. And the habits that leave out are dirty too. Letting the sex down. Only thing dirtier is someone's mobile phone, microbiologically rather than relating to the content.

RoastedFerret · 24/03/2022 14:11

If the roles were reversed and it was a wife on here complaining that her DH kept leaving his dirty socks/jocks on the bedroom floor or having been asked to put the tea bag directly in the compost bin/regular bin and he repeatedly didn't do it, and the wife had said if he kept doing it she would hide his phone/iPad/something of importance to him and then followed through on it, he would be flamed and it's very possible the comment that he clearly doesn't respect his wife because he is not doing something that is clearly upsetting his wife and driven her to take such actions. I also wouldn't be surprised if the wife was told to leave her husband and find someone who doesn't do that.

That's not reversing the roles. Reversing the roles would be dh leaving his shaving bag on the counter in the bathroom where he uses it. If you get upset by a shaving bag on the counter then that's a you issue. It really isn't the dhs fault that the dw is so neurotic that something being left in a bag on the counter where it is used upsets them. How long do you even spend in the bathroom everyday to be looking at the upsetting bag? It's absolutely bonkers.