DH has hidden my make up bag

[AttackCat]

So I am a messy person. DH is a tidy person. This is probably one of the biggest causes of day to day minor disagreements between us.

DH has been complaining about me leaving my make-up bag on the bathroom worktop (it can fit in the cupboard directly under the worktop). He often puts it away if I leave it out (which I often do).

He warned me that if I kept leaving it out, he’d hide it. I went to put my make up on this morning and yes, he has hidden it.

I’m not a huge wearer of make up (I’ll do the school run with a bare face) but I have a client meeting on zoom today so need to look vaguely presentable. I’ve managed to find a tinted moisturiser and a mascara but the make up bag isn’t in any of the bathroom cupboards so he’s properly hidden it.

So who is being unreasonable?

YABU - your fault for being messy
YANBU - DH shouldn’t have hidden your make up even though he’s put up with 20 years of your mess

Nothing more disrespectful than expecting the person you supposedly love and share your home with to live in a pigsty just because you can't be arsed to clean up after yourself.

You're lucky he's only hidden it. It would have been straight in the bin if I was your DH. You are absolutely BU

@GraceandMolly

I think YABU. If he’s asked you many times, you disrespecting him for not tidying after yourself the same way as leaving dishes next to the dishwasher. You see many of those threads here and everybody seems to be attacking the lazy arse husband when they don’t tidy after themselves.

This.

My son is a bit like this. So am I. We’ve realised we’re forgetful so we only have to remember one thing. The List. Before he leaves the house he has to read his list. Money, travel card, correct uniform, phone, bed made, towel hung up etc etc. you see what I mean? He doesn’t have to remember those things. He only has to remember one thing, and that is to read the list.

I’m mot going to pass judgement on whether he was unreasonable or not. We all have our triggers. Mine is dirty cups next to an empty dishwasher. Sure, it takes me 3 seconds to deal with it but it feels like people don’t give enough of a shit about me to deal with it themselves. The 10,000th time is just a freaking insult!

So yeah. Make a list, stick it where you can see it, and you only have to remember one thing each day before you leave the house. Read it.

I think @FabFitFifties wrote an excellent post, and that sounds like good advice.

I’ve been on both sides of this. Had a terrible housemate who left dirty dishes out, clothes drying for days, and just put things down anywhere. After a couple of blowouts, they promised to do things if I reminded nicely, and as a result I lost most of my anger and just put things back in the right place on occasions it was easier than asking (if they had gone out).

Now I live with DP who is an absolute neat machine. I’m tidy, but he is next level. We had a few potential issues over the first year of living together which we’ve resolved.

For example, I’d make a cup of tea and leave the teabag in a pot by the sink, meaning to throw it out (bin was outside) but I’d always forget. We had a chat about it, we’ve installed a bin under the sink and now I remember to immediately throw it away. We’ve worked out solutions to pretty much most things (including the odd thing I’m more particular about than him).

I’d be annoyed at how he’s handled it, it is a dick move, but from what you say it sounds like he’s reached breaking point with this and if he isn’t a dick in any other respect (financially controlling, rude, abusive etc) then I’d not get annoyed but rather see what you can do together to address this.

Wow I’m shocked at the amount of people that think this is in anyway ok !

Marriage/sharing a house is about compromise, and leaving make up in a bag out in the bathroom is not the equivalent of failing to load the dishwasher.

Toiletries and make up may be left out without looking a mess or creating any problem, and many people have things they need to hand in the morning left out in the bathroom.

It's a dick move anyway. I wouldn't even hide the kids stuff if they left it all over the place, he is not your dad or the boss of you.

Good for him. He's been annoyed by your mess for 20yrs, I'm amazed it took him so long!

Wow I’m shocked at the amount of people that think this is in anyway ok!

Quite.

OP are you me?!

I can genuinely look at a room and think, "great, it's tidy," whereas DH will see myriad things out of place. We share out household chores based on a rota, so I do more than my fair share of cleaning, laundry, dishwasher etc, but when it comes to this surface tidying I am terrible at it.

Who's to say that a makeup bag on a counter is not tidy? What if you had open organiser-type baskets on the counter, and the bag went in one of them? Would it be tidy then?

Stick a command hook to the middle of the ceiling and tell him you've decided its new place is hanging from the hook. 😆

@DuggeeHugPlease

To be honest if he's asked you many times before I'd say it's fair enough. I bet you won't do it again!!

What the hell?

The OP is not a child or a dog that her husband is attempting to train.

They are two adults sharing a space and if she leaves her make up bag where she wants to leave it that's entirely her choice.

So what if he objects to it being left out? She has as much right to leave it out as he has to find it annoying.

I'd be bloody furious if someone hid something of mine because they had 'warned' me they would do so if I continued to leave it out, and I speak as an extremely tidy person who likes things put away where they belong.

Horrible controlling behaviour if he's doing this in a serious way, and bloody annoying childish behaviour if he's doing it as a 'joke' to teach OP a lesson.

I am a generally tidy person, not to the extreme but clutter annoys me and actually interferes with me being able to think straight sometimes. My husband is very very messy and rarely tidies up and I find myself forced to live according to his terms, even though I spend a huge amount of time tidying up after him, far more than my five year old (whose life is similarly affected by my husband's behaviour).

I'm with the Op's DH. It's not a lot to ask someone to put one thing away in a shared space. He has asked her repeatedly to put her make up bag away. She hasn't. He told her that if she didn't he'd hide it. She still didn't and he has done as he said he would.

I say he is disrespecting her for hiding her stuff as if she is a child, not a grown woman.

Bloody hell, in my house if I tried to impose this level of neatness I would implode.

Chill the fuck out people, perfectionism is absolute poison.

The armchair diagnosing of ADHD on here is getting utterly ridiculous.

I think your husband is a controlling prick OP although it's strange you've only posted a handful of times on your own 11 page thread.

@Chloemol

YANBU. He’s being extremely childish

I would ask for it back now, if he refuses then I would simply take all his stuff out of the wardrobe, Putin bin bags and hide that

Then I wouldn’t tell him where it is, he can go to work in the same climbers for the next few days

Putin bin bags sound scary!

It does make me wonder how many of these pick-me handmaidens that frequent MN these days actually realise that men don't like you anymore than the rest of us just because you stick up for them on the internet. They honestly don't...the begging for the crumbs of male approval is quite nauseating.

You have to ring DH and say I have a zoom work meeting, You made your point now tell me where you hid my make up bag.

If he doesn't, I would absolutely hide something equally important of his (razors/ shaver/ deodorant) and leave the house all day.

But secondly - it's difficult to know how bad/messy your makeup bag is and how UR you leaving it out in bathroom is. As it could be terrible mess you are leaving or he could be overly fussy.

For eg My DD drives me mad as she leaves her all over the floor in her bedroom on her white carpet, the bag is covered in powder, lippy, eyeliner stains and blusher and she's stained the carpet, and treads it everywhere . She also leaves it in bathroom overflowing where 3 others want to use their toothbrushes, and her makeup has already stained the top of the new white bathroom cabinet.

I feel frustrated we can't get to our toothbrushes without her messy overflowing makeup bag dropping onto floor, the powder & lipstick gets is everywhere (contour powder) and my sink usually has pink bits and powder all in it, so I'm cleaning it after her daily. Before I go to work!!!

So i put it into a bag on the landing but on rare occasion (about once a year!) after of saying everyday "MAKEUP & MAKEUP BAG put it away it's not fair" I have hidden it. For about 40 mins .... Pretending I threw it away when I was cleaning (after warnings I would bin it)

So if your bag is messy like my DDs YABU . If it's tidy and sealed and not actually in the way YANBU

BUT I wouldn't dare leave the house without giving my DD back her makeup bag though - as that's her identity and her face. It's unnecessary to push the point too far. Ps DD is now17 but this battle of makeup left laying around ruining things has been going on (on and off) since she was 15 !

I couldn't do that to her. I love her more than I feel the need to "slam home my point"

I have read plenty of threads on here where the sexes are reversed and the woman is told that her messy husband has no respect for her, and every time he fails to put his socks in the landry bin or whatever, then it's a blatant 'fuck you'.

I think you are both being unreasonable.

It's not a lot to ask someone to put one thing away in a shared space. He has asked her repeatedly to put her make up bag away. She hasn't. He told her that if she didn't he'd hide it. She still didn't and he has done as he said he would.

I get this but there's a massive difference between expecting her to put dirty cups/plates in the dishwasher and throwing his toys out of the pram because one of her possessions is not in the exact place he would like it to be.

Nobody would argue about the cups - they need washing, the dishwasher is where that happens, QED. But one could easily argue the makeup bag is in the right place. It's tidy, contained, zipped up - and it's in reach, where she needs it, like the toothpaste and the toothbrushes.

If they've got such a disconnect over levels of tidiness, then they both need to compromise, not just her.

Yes, I feel the same with teenage DDs @Ikeptgoing. Completely agree.

Mumsnet is kind of bonkers as people tend to take things to extremes, but I think you need a talk and if the talk doesn't get you anywhere maybe marriage counseling could help you both communicate better and find a way to compromise or at least find ways to live with each other in peace.

@LadyMacduff

I have read plenty of threads on here where the sexes are reversed and the woman is told that her messy husband has no respect for her, and every time he fails to put his socks in the landry bin or whatever, then it's a blatant 'fuck you'.

I think you are both being unreasonable.

Another straw man. This is not an equivalent to laundry or washing up.

This is like - whether you want to washing up liquid out next to the sink or kept in the cupboard.

As a tidy person it’s extremely annoying to remind others to put things away especially when it’s the same issue like closing the drawers after getting something out of them or putting clothes in the laundry basket, not next to it.
I do think he is being very petty though, theres no need to hide anything, if it was me I’d just put it on the shelf and be done with it, I’m the one who likes the house or be tidy and organised so I’m the one who usually does it but I do wish the rest of my family would be a little bit more aware at times!

Another straw man. This is not an equivalent to laundry or washing up.

She's guilty of leaving washing up etc about too.

Pretty controlling and passive aggressive move tbh, he’s ok to be pissed off but come on!