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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH has hidden my make up bag

575 replies

AttackCat · 24/03/2022 09:08

So I am a messy person. DH is a tidy person. This is probably one of the biggest causes of day to day minor disagreements between us.

DH has been complaining about me leaving my make-up bag on the bathroom worktop (it can fit in the cupboard directly under the worktop). He often puts it away if I leave it out (which I often do).

He warned me that if I kept leaving it out, he’d hide it. I went to put my make up on this morning and yes, he has hidden it.

I’m not a huge wearer of make up (I’ll do the school run with a bare face) but I have a client meeting on zoom today so need to look vaguely presentable. I’ve managed to find a tinted moisturiser and a mascara but the make up bag isn’t in any of the bathroom cupboards so he’s properly hidden it.

So who is being unreasonable?

YABU - your fault for being messy
YANBU - DH shouldn’t have hidden your make up even though he’s put up with 20 years of your mess

OP posts:
limitedperiodonly · 24/03/2022 11:39

@AttackCat I'd be furious and would have words with my husband. Not that he would do that. Living with someone else means putting up with minor annoyances like being untidy or overly tidy.

But I've read your updates and you don't seem that bothered so why should anyone else be?

HELLITHURT · 24/03/2022 11:41

Treating your partner like a five year old is fucking awful!

Beees · 24/03/2022 11:42

@NancyNC2022

Fucking hell I think that’s really weird! What’s the big deal about leaving a make up bag on the side?! Quite controlling and immature tbh.
The big deal is that it's obviously a small part of a big picture. He didn't react rationally in hiding it but that's because he was at the end of his tether and when you get to the end you're naturally not thinking rationally.

This is as a result of years of mess and presumably many many failed attempts to find a solution not because he was being controlling and immature.

GeneLovesJezebel · 24/03/2022 11:45

@Easterbunnyiswindowshopping

Surely as an adult and equal in your home and marriage you can leave your make up bag where the fuck you want?
Exactly
HELLITHURT · 24/03/2022 11:45

@Beees hiding someone's personal belongings is either immature or controlling.

If he can't handle the "mess" I mean a make up bag out on a shelf is hardly "mess" but hey ho! He is different to OP, why does that make him right and her wrong?

mam0918 · 24/03/2022 11:48

I'm a messy person... also it's MY fucking house, my space to do as I want, and ill be messy if I want and I'm not apologizing for it.

DH would be homeless (it was my house first and he could afford it without me) if he pulled that shit and thought he got to control my behavior in my own home.

He is not you dad, he can not power trip you.

Beees · 24/03/2022 11:49

[quote HELLITHURT]@Beees hiding someone's personal belongings is either immature or controlling.

If he can't handle the "mess" I mean a make up bag out on a shelf is hardly "mess" but hey ho! He is different to OP, why does that make him right and her wrong? [/quote]
Then there must be thousands of controlling women on this site because hiding or binning their husbands mess is regularly suggested on similar reverse threads.

It's clearly not about just the make up bag. Anyone thinking it is, is obviously not reading carefully and looking at the big picture.

mam0918 · 24/03/2022 11:51

@mam0918

I'm a messy person... also it's MY fucking house, my space to do as I want, and ill be messy if I want and I'm not apologizing for it.

DH would be homeless (it was my house first and he could afford it without me) if he pulled that shit and thought he got to control my behavior in my own home.

He is not you dad, he can not power trip you.

*he could not afford it
toomanytwinkies · 24/03/2022 11:52

Bollocks to this. She's not leaving her knickers on the sofa, she's leaving her makeup bag in the bathroom, like most people do. She is just not hiding the bag as her husband prefers.

Yes I agree! It’s just on the side as far as I can tell, in a bag too, not makeup spilling everywhere.

FacebookPhotos · 24/03/2022 11:54

YABothBU. You need to agree stuff which actually had to be put away properly and stuff which is fine where it is.

Leaving used cups around is completely unreasonable because they need to be dealt with by someone, and your DH shouldn't have to do it.
Leaving your make up in a bag on the side where you use it daily is completely reasonable because it doesn't do any harm by staying there forever. DH shouldn't have hidden it.

AryaStarkWolf · 24/03/2022 11:57

So what if you leave it out? It's not the same as dirty cups imo I'd be fuming if my DH hid my things

WimpoleHat · 24/03/2022 11:59

@Easterbunnyiswindowshopping

Surely as an adult and equal in your home and marriage you can leave your make up bag where the fuck you want?
Absolutely. You’re not 8 and he’s not your mum. Dreadful behaviour from him.
LaraDeSalle · 24/03/2022 12:02

The make up is neat and tidy and in a zipped up bag?

Why is that a problem to see it on a shelf?

I could understand if you have lots of individual make up items strewn everywhere but a bag is hardly an eyesore.

I would hide all the loo roll and his car keys until the make up bag is returned.

Snoopsnoggysnog · 24/03/2022 12:02

@mam0918

I'm a messy person... also it's MY fucking house, my space to do as I want, and ill be messy if I want and I'm not apologizing for it.

DH would be homeless (it was my house first and he could afford it without me) if he pulled that shit and thought he got to control my behavior in my own home.

He is not you dad, he can not power trip you.

If someone had written that their DH had said that everyone would be saying LTB. That sounds really controlling to me.

OP this is the sort of thing DH and I would do to each other. We’re both a bit petty Grin and it would be semi in jest.

DogsAndGin · 24/03/2022 12:03

@Bumtum126

He has put up with it for 20 years now has had enough. Tidy up , it's not hard if you can be arsed.
Totally agree. It is utterly disrespectful to refuse to pull one’s weight
Franklin12 · 24/03/2022 12:08

I had a friend growing up who always came to me because her parents lived in a cluttered mess. She was very embarassed about it and it was her Mum - her Father had just put up with it for years and eventually gave up. No real cleaning could be done because of all the stuff around. The sofas had piles of books, old magazines etc. The bathroom wasnt much better with half finished bottles of toiletries.

I now that some on this thread are stating that its up to them how they live but please remember it almost always affects others.

LetHimHaveIt · 24/03/2022 12:14

Agog at the ready acceptance that 'on the side' is 'very messy'. If you had have lip glosses with the lids off oozing everywhere, and crumbling eyeshadows marking surfaces, he might have a point. If your makeup bag is just sitting on a surface? He's a total fucker.

TigerLilyTail · 24/03/2022 12:16

I assume he was aware that she was messy when they got married. You can't expect people to suddenly change.

For this reason I am very very happy to be single and nobody cares about my cup collection on my bedside cabinet.

toomuchlaundry · 24/03/2022 12:24

@AryaStarkWolf the OP has admitted she does leave dirty cups lying around too, and this was the last straw for her DH

HELLITHURT · 24/03/2022 12:26

@Franklin12

I had a friend growing up who always came to me because her parents lived in a cluttered mess. She was very embarassed about it and it was her Mum - her Father had just put up with it for years and eventually gave up. No real cleaning could be done because of all the stuff around. The sofas had piles of books, old magazines etc. The bathroom wasnt much better with half finished bottles of toiletries.

I now that some on this thread are stating that its up to them how they live but please remember it almost always affects others.

I had a friend that came to my house, rather than stay in her own where everything had to be put back in its place immediately! Everything was straight. neat and nothing was allowed out of place. It was stifling!

It works both ways?

A make up bag on the side hardly constitutes "clutter".

Franklin12 · 24/03/2022 12:28

I wonder if the post read..

"I am a messy person - I admit it. I often forget to pick up underwear from the floor and hang up wet towels. Its hardly the crime of the century is it? I always like to wait until there is lots of things piled up on the side before I start to load the dishwasher. Often by the time I decide to do it someone else has done it.

I cannot really be bothered to make my bed every day. After all - I am only going to get back into it. I need tons of clothes because I dont seem to be able to find what I am looking for every morning and coffee cups seem to be everywhere.

My wife is complaining - surely I can live how I like? AIBU??

From the OP's posts. Its not just about a make up bag....

Beees · 24/03/2022 12:28

A make up bag on the side hardly constitutes "clutter".

Again you're ignoring that this is about so much more than just a make up bag. The make up bag is just part of the overall clutter and untidiness.

TigerLilyTail · 24/03/2022 12:29

Yes, a friend of my brother's moved in with us after his mum yelled at him again for leaving a teaspoon in the sink,

There's a happy balance to reach, but whatever you think, it's not ok for him to hide her stuff. I've never seen this suggested on Mumsnet. It's usually put all his stuff in a box and leave it for him to deal with.

SoupDragon · 24/03/2022 12:31

@TigerLilyTail

I assume he was aware that she was messy when they got married. You can't expect people to suddenly change.

For this reason I am very very happy to be single and nobody cares about my cup collection on my bedside cabinet.

I assume she knew he was tidy 🤷🏻‍♀️

A marriage is about compromise and finding the middle ground, not saying "fuck it. He knew what I was like."

Benjispruce5 · 24/03/2022 12:33

DH wouldn’t dare!!!!!!