DH has hidden my make up bag

[AttackCat]

So I am a messy person. DH is a tidy person. This is probably one of the biggest causes of day to day minor disagreements between us.

DH has been complaining about me leaving my make-up bag on the bathroom worktop (it can fit in the cupboard directly under the worktop). He often puts it away if I leave it out (which I often do).

He warned me that if I kept leaving it out, he’d hide it. I went to put my make up on this morning and yes, he has hidden it.

I’m not a huge wearer of make up (I’ll do the school run with a bare face) but I have a client meeting on zoom today so need to look vaguely presentable. I’ve managed to find a tinted moisturiser and a mascara but the make up bag isn’t in any of the bathroom cupboards so he’s properly hidden it.

So who is being unreasonable?

YABU - your fault for being messy
YANBU - DH shouldn’t have hidden your make up even though he’s put up with 20 years of your mess

Not a very grown up action on his part, is he usually so childish?

But, if the sexes were reversed on this one and a dh had repeatedly left an item lying around making a mess then plenty of people on mumsnet would be encouraging the woman to hide it/bin it or whatever else

100%. The comments are always hysterical when a man does something but if it was the other way round people would defo be saying to throw it away.

I don't think he's being unreasonable at all, that's something I'd do. It's quite difficult to keep mentioning something that bothers you and the person still does it over and over again (whether intentional or not). Obviously if you do have ADHD then that's a completely different things. I'm sure he'll give it back soon, probs just trying to teach you a lesson and annoy you the way it annoys him

A make up bag on a bathroom counter isn’t a messy house. As a pp said, it’s akin to the kettle or toaster on the kitchen worktop

The make up bag in isolation does of course not constitute a messy house but it's beyond clear that this is about so much more than just the make up bag.

You'd have to be pretty dim to think he reacted in this way soley over the OP just leaving the bag on the side.

Simple grammar. It's an irregular verb. I get to decide and instruct you what to do and have the disappointment and effort of hiding or throwing away your things if you don't do what you're are told. You are messy and lazy. He is, well he is right and she is wrong and messy and lazy and letting yourself and your sex down.

I really hate this attitude from tidy people

It’s a shared home so why can’t the make up bag be left wherever she’s put it
His tidiness doesn’t trump her need to not be as tidy

You can leave your make up bag on the side. You’re a grown up.

It’s pathetic and controlling. He needs to get a grip. Who cares if it’s on the side and why???

I really hate this attitude from tidy people. It’s a shared home so why can’t the make up bag be left wherever she’s put it
His tidiness doesn’t trump her need to not be as tidy

But neither does her messiness trump his need to be tidy. There's a middle ground here that can be reached by actually talking to each other. I can fully understand the frustration that her husband has with her and I'm the messy one in my relationship. It's not fair to leave your shit everywhere and I'm sure the makeup back is just a drop in the ocean, certainly if OP is also leaving cups everywhere. My boyfriend and I came up with a system that works for us, the house isn't pristine, but nor is it as messy as it used to be - result is that we're both happy.

She admits that she leaves cups everywhere too and that the bag is just the thin end of the wedge.

Yes, but that just makes it all the more petty - instead of addressing the cups on the side, the post left on the coffee table, the shoes wherever she took them off or any of the other actually untidy things, he hid something she needs to use every day.

That's like me being annoyed that ex left his gym gear in the middle of the kitchen, so hiding his laptop.

As my nan used to say, two wrongs don't make a right.

I’ve done shit like this to DH before and I’m really not sorry. I’m like your DH in this scenario, quite tidy although definitely not pristine by any means. DH is a messy git who leaves his shit strewn all over the place 24/7, also has irritating habits like leaving cupboard doors open or placing recycling in front of the recycling bins?! So yes, I do get passive aggressive with him at times because I’ve asked and asked and asked him not to do it but he continues. It’s just selfish and rude to keep annoying someone when they’ve asked you to stop multiple times.

If you do have a challenge like ADHD, and remembering to be tidy as you go isn't realistic for you, there are other ways to lessen the impact on your husband. How about setting aside times, everyday, to actively tidy away, as your one and only focus.10 mins before bath, bed, breakfast etc. Make a list to follow ie, cups, clothes, make up, and go round focusing on the one thing at a time, ticking off the jobs

I have ADHD and if I could do all that then I wouldn’t have ADHD
It’s like telling someone who can’t walk to once per day use the stairs.

I think most people think that ADHD is more of a behavioural/emotional issue when it is an actual physical issue.
If something really really interests us our brains are flooded with dopamine and enough gets through to make us do the task

If we aren’t interested in a task then not enough dopamine gets through and even though our brains know what needs doing it doesn’t transfer to our bodies so we can get the task done.
It is called ADHD paralysis.

Also having ADHD if things aren’t out in the open to remind us then it doesn’t exist.
I need triggers to remind me of appointments, what to pack, what needs taking with me etc

I have on more than one occasion known I had an appointment for dc after school.

All day I would be thinking not to forget it. On the way to the school for pick I would be “do not forget do not forget” then waiting at the school gate I would chat to another mum who would suggest going to the park when dc come out. Like magic all thoughts of the appointment would disappear and before I know it the appointment has been missed and I am at the park pushing children on a swing.
It’s only when I get home and see the appointment letter I realise I forgot.

It’s not as easy saying just do this or make a list. My house is full of lists of what I need to do. The idea of picking one up and trying to complete one task even a very simple one takes a such a huge effort.

Shit in his shoes!

This is something that would probably happen in my house too as DP is more tidy than me. I can see it being annoying but equally if yours house too so 🤷🏼‍♀️

Why is a make up bag in the bathroom considered messy.

Seems a bit childish. If you’ve been messy for 20 years I doubt it’s going to ‘teach you a lesson’ or whatever he’s trying to do.
I’d go into child mode and hide something of his 🤣

@Gizacluethen

He shouldn't have hidden. I'd have thrown it. Roles are reversed here. I'm so sick of cleaning up after him and putting his stuff away. He's not a child. He just doesn't care. You're not a child, put your stuff away or it will get lost or damaged.

She has put her stuff away. She's used her make up, put it back in a zipped bag, and left it near the mirror presumably where she puts her make up on. It's just a make up bag. Its not abnormal to have one to hand in your own bathroom.

@Kennykenkencat if you read OPs updates it isn't just the makeup bag, that's just the straw that broke the camels back

It's not hard, clean up after yourself. Stop acting like a child, he sounds like he's done with your messy ways.

As a pp said, it’s akin to the kettle or toaster on the kitchen worktop

Ah now. Cultural differences

It's your home too. If that's where you like it to be, he should accept that. Mine lives there also, it's convenient!

I expect the OP's DP does all the housework while doing any childcare and caring for others while working so the parallel with the cup on the side of the sink must be entirely justified.

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff she hasn't actually said that she tidied it back in to her makeup bag though. From her updates and how casual she is about leaving cups lying about and this just being the "tip of the iceberg" when it comes to her mess, it wouldn't surprise me if the makeup is left out next to the bag as well. If she went to the effort of putting all the makeup back in the bag I can't see why she wouldn't put it directly below in to the cupboard. She said once she's finished her makeup she just forgets about it.

I have asked if it was put back in the bag but unless she confirms otherwise to me it reads as if it was all left out.

I'm with your husband on this one lazy messy people piss me off. At least get a makeup basket that's big enough to keep everything in and put it all back in every morning. It's not cute or quirky to leave shit everywhere so other people can't use the living space.

Fucking hell I think that’s really weird! What’s the big deal about leaving a make up bag on the side?! Quite controlling and immature tbh.

Hide his pants. All of them.