What things do your partner's family do that you think are really rude? And what things do your family do that you now realise are rude?!

[SarahAndQuack]

This is absolutely a thread about a thread (the one where the OP's husband leaves the table). It just got me wondering. What does your partner do because they've been brought up that way, that you think is actually really rude? And what things did you discover, as an adult, were really rude that your family thought were normal?

DP's family have no table manners whatsoever - anything I could name that someone somewhere thinks is rude, they do it. But one thing that really irritates me is that they'll let you explain what you're going to cook, then when the meal is being served, they'll say 'is there anything else - I don't like x' or 'is there something else for ChildsName to eat?' Then they fully expect you to heat up something else for them while everyone else's meal goes cold. I trained DP out of this but something minor that bugs me is that I was taught if someone comes home with the shopping, you go offer to help unpack. It's just what my mum does. DP just doesn't get this and, though it's irrational, it never fails to irritate me.

As for my family - my parents are both eye-wateringly rude in shops or any kind of situation where they're paying for a service. They barely bother with 'please' or 'thank you' and they will complain at the drop of a hat. My dad recently had me read an email he was sending to his lawyer - who he thinks is doing a good job for him - and it was so rude I was squirming! No 'I hope you are well' or anything, just a list of demands and criticisms. I was well into my 20s before I really understood how to write a polite letter.

What about you?

DH family competitive undereaters

theyre really nice and i get on with them but theyre one meal a day is excruciating for me i need more than one bloody meal but feel likea pig if i ask what we're doing for lunhc/dinner when im with them-never seen a family live on so little food

My family talk over each other, each increasing in volume in an effort to be heard over the crowd.

They especially talk over anyone younger than them, it's like a weird internal hierarchy they instinctively consult. I was youngest so remember how this feels, I wasn't heard as a child, I didn't get a say. I see them doing it to the kids in the family and make a point of saying 'X was talking! Go on x, you were saying?'

I realised I do it and it's such a hard habit to break! Super fucking rude!

My mother makes personal comments (sometimes involving a poke with a finger!) about the girls. Gives me the bloody rage! One of them has an ED yet mum still makes comments. She's a dick and I am NC with her now.

@PollyPutTheKettleOnKettleOn

Have a parent with poor manners..think pushing in front you to get to a cupboard without a word, literally stretching over your plate at the dinner table and licking the plate 🤢 Also ignoring you when they just can't be bothered to answer.

Then there's the parent who'll want you to go upstairs to fetch them something because they can't be bothered to move, or get up to pass them something just out of their reach even though they're much closer than you.

There's the family member who upsets everyone by refusing to coordinate on plans and just announces what they're doing without consideration for how it affects everyone else. Then gets upset if someone protests.

Oh you've reminded me my mother loves a Gofer! She could be sitting closer to the desired object than you, you have to get up and pass by her to get it... or even come through from another bloody room! She still requires someone else to hand it to her! Lazy and rude!

I’ve realised after nearly 30 years that my Mum has no people skills at all. She’ll constantly interrupt people, talk over them, raise her voice and get very shouty and angry if something hasn’t gone her way, it’s awful and would be so embarrassing if I had much contact with her😂 I often wonder if she’s neurodiverse in some way because she has lots of other little issues but won’t get help.

My partner’s family is a little more normal but they’re suoer petty and childish🙄 They all gossip and call each other behind their backs then act all nice as pie to their face. Constantly trying to one up each other, as in who’s got the nicest car or who’s going on the most expensive holiday. They’re also very evasive and if they get caught out doing something then they act as evasively as they can and try to convince you it’s all in your head. If that doesn’t work they just avoid you for a few months and hope you forget about it.
I have no contact with them because I don’t have the energy for all that drama but they’re actually really really nice people, just stuck in a rut with terrible habits.

My parents used to swear, all the time.

When I was a teen, my friends found it hilarious, particularly since DPs were very well spoken. A boyfriend of mine once said that when my father said "cunt", he said it so beautifully that it didn't sound rude.

DF was also very opinionated and would robustly challenge anyone who expressed a political view he didn't agree with. It usually involved at least one Tory being pronounced "an absolute fucking cunt".

I strenuously avoided them ever meeting any of my friends' families.

If I were my XH, I'd be asking these questions of me:

Why do your DPs never steam-clean their carpets, even after 30+ years in the same house?
Why don't they renovate their mouldy bathroom?
Why does the plumbing keep failing, and why do we sometimes have to use a bucket when we visit?
Why do they like sitting around in the sunroom, gazing out at the garden and chatting about nothing in particular?

As myself, I'd ask these questions of XH:

Why does your SM ask such intrusive personal questions?
Why does she disapprove of my DPs even tho she has never met them?
Why is she angry that I work for a living?
Why is she angry about my organising some interesting travels?
Why is she angry that I cook Asian but not European food? (Hint: I grew up in HK)
Why is she angry that I don't get my nails done and don't care?

For all their housekeeping faults, I'd much rather hang with my DPs. They were great company, and I miss them still.
I do steam-clean my carpets, tho, and have renovated both my leaky bathrooms.

@sjxoxo. No,
Tell your mil, do not be restrained.
She is crossing your boundaries.

Say mil. Do not touch the baby when I’m comforting them.

I’m a slow eater, and DH’s family are all fast. When they’re done they get up and start clearing up around me while I’m still eatingI just think it’ssorude and thankfully DH doesn’t do it anymore

I could've written this. I know I'm slow, and it's compounded by having to dish up and get a toddler sorted, but it drives me up the wall. DH waits now, but everyone else is off.

My dad is also amazingly competitive over having things and goes from 0 to 100 in arguments in a heartbeat. I'm not competitive, and am woking on not flying off the handle, I have a toddler and it helps not one tiny bit!!

My late Father, he died over 26 years ago though. He had a habit of eating any leftover food off peoples plates still on the table, after meals. even though it could be either four,or six people at the table., despite my late Mum, giving him a piled up plate of food. ( waste not, want not) was his favourite phrase. We had a dog, and I used to give my dog some left over veggies, and a bit of cut up meat as a treat, but he generally missed out on this if my Father was around.

My Father was somewhat overweight, and he eventually died of a heart attack.

My pil favour their dd over ds (my dh) they also have very set ideas about how things should be and how everyone should live their life. I should have realised when I noticed they are very unpopular in their extended family but yes they are hard work. My family are weird (but so am I) set times to eat, set meals, set bath nights. Same holiday every year. Never had a takeaway. But I love them.

Pil don’t ever have a food / meal plan. Even when the kids were little we’d be staying and unless me / DH stepped in earlier it would get to 6-7pm before an inevitable dither over what to make / order in / go and buy. I can’t fathom this at all; in my family is incredibly rude not to have food / meals planned and ready in good time for your guests, according to their taste. My dad plans what he’ll make for people as soon as he knows they are coming to visit and we don’t lift a finger when we stay.

similarly ready meals. In my family serving up a ready meal essentially says ‘I don’t like you, you are not important’. Pil seem to live on them.

Cleanliness: my parents clean every weekend, Pil
Clean NEVER. As they get older it’s a health hazard in all honesty, I HATE staying there.

House temps. My parents err towards too much heating, Pil too little. They don’t open windows / turn off heating in multiple rooms then we have to stay in them and it’s freezing and damp.

My MIL simply cannot just have a telephone conversation. She has to do it via her iPhone or iPad, on speakerphone, so everyone has to hear it. No consideration for the fact other people may be trying to carry on their own conversations or watch something or read. It’s all about her and her conversations.

In laws always, always talk over each other and interrupt people. I detest this so much. I was brought up to allow people to speak and then you have your say...ive been with my husband 25 years and he still interrupts me at least once a day. When he gets together with his mum and 3 siblings it's just a free for all...I don't bother speaking and then get asked 'what's up'....er...nothing, I can't be arsed to fight to get a word in edgeways! 🤣

My in laws have no table manners either. No one ever offers to help cook, or lay the table. They eat quickly (my bil will literally pick up roast beef with his fingers and fold it into his mouth!) And then get up to leave the table the second they are finished. Bil also been known to announce he needs the toilet and just get up to go spend 30 mins in the loo when everyone else is still eating. They don't clear the table, don't put their knives and forks together, slurp like pigs. It's horrendous. Thankfully trained my husband out of most of it, although he still uses his knife and fork in the wrong hands.

My ILs are full of airs and graces, but fart and burp at the dinner table, cough over your food and chew with their mouths open.
My mum is terrible at conversation, with no interest at all in other people. And she comments on people's bodies and weight.

My MIL Has a habit of balancing glasses and plates precariously on the edge of the arm of the chair, or leaving them at her feet where people can kick them over.

She also will talk over any programme or film that's on..my partner also does this.

My mum slags her friends off constantly, it's almost her opening conversation when we've travelled miles to see her. She's also really nosey , and apparently I've inherited this!

When we need to be somewhere, partner will only leave the exact amount of time she thinks it will take to get there, so we are often late for appointments etc because we didn't leave any room for unforseen circumstances like bad traffic.

Apparently I'm also too negative, just for thinking about all the ramifications of a decision, and not just the possible positives!

Now read the thread and the minimal card writing strikes a chord. When Dh and I were in the doghouse with ILs for an awful crime we had no knowledge of committing still don’t quite understand what we did - their birthday card to Dh was signed of “your parents” that’s it.

When not pissed off they write “regards” which cracks me up as to me that’s a business one and only when someone has annoyed you!

Another thing my MIL does is, every time you have an achievement or celebration, she belittles it by referring to her daughter (DH’s sister)

So for example, I get a promotion at work “Oh SIL is working on SUCH an important project”
I achieve a mile stone re my fitness “oh SIL is running her 700th marathon”
My daughter does well at reading school “oh SIL could read full novels by that age!”

You get the gist.

My mum will ask guests if they want food and if the guests say no thanks, my mum will keep pushing the issue and then make them food anyway. People have been a bit pissed off as they then feel obligated to eat it.
I've had to tell her many times that if someone says "no" then she needs to stop right there and then.

My in laws like to complain about immigrants to anyone who will listen despite the fact that their best friends are immigrants, their daughter in an immigrant living in another country and they themselves were immigrants.
It's just ridiculous.

Mil goes out for a cigarette between main and pudding. Bil asks how much every new purchase costs.
My Mum expected to be treated like the Queen of Sheba in a shop.

My in laws consider it a race to get all the food eaten when it's served in dishes on the table to serve yourself. It's weird to explain, but say there's 4 of us and I put 2 garlic baguettes on the table while I'm dishing up the pasta - they will rapidly eat them and it seems like they're relieved when the baguettes have gone and they can eat the food on their plate? So I'll sit down and there will be no garlic bread left to eat with meal, and they won't have considered I might want some or that it's greedy to eat nearly a whole baguette to yourself etc. Then say if I do a roast and all the serving dishes are on the table to serve yourself, we will start eating and nearly immediately they will start helping themselves to more even though they've barely started what's on their plates, and if they can't fit anymore on their plates they start to get quite stressed and push it onto other people. Like there's plenty for everyone, just eat what you've already served yourself and if you want more help yourself? The whole meal is spent with them being very stressed about how much food is left on the serving dishes. So weird.

Eat with their mouths open

Leave their shoes on when entering my house, despite being asked not to for the last 25 years!!

Get everyone a drink & not me.

Talk really loudly ALL the time.

Stand in my way when I'm cooking for everyone.

Moan.

🙈🙈🙈

PILs live such a small insular life that when they visit they just can't handle the change, it comes across in a constant low level "that's not how we do it" rudeness. They have set meal times, the same meals and DH FIL is also queen of Sheba so his MIL loses her entire identity and starts flapping and begging to do the washing up (we have a dishwasher) if she's not constantly serving him. They also have strong opinions about how we should manage/care for our home when they do none of that themselves and their house is falling to bits. It drives me insane.

My DM is the SLOWEST eater on earth, mouthfuls take her 5 minutes to swallow. Doesn't stop her talking though, she squirrels the food away into her cheek and continues. It can be pretty gross.

I’ll often wander off to bed without saying goodnight. Even when family is staying. I try not to forget to say good night now but sometimes still do.

@Footgoose

Mil goes out for a cigarette between main and pudding. Bil asks how much every new purchase costs. My Mum expected to be treated like the Queen of Sheba in a shop.

My MIL is super nosey with the cost of things. Even if it’s just a new bag. I hate it. She even asked me what I earn once!