What things do your partner's family do that you think are really rude? And what things do your family do that you now realise are rude?!

[SarahAndQuack]

This is absolutely a thread about a thread (the one where the OP's husband leaves the table). It just got me wondering. What does your partner do because they've been brought up that way, that you think is actually really rude? And what things did you discover, as an adult, were really rude that your family thought were normal?

DP's family have no table manners whatsoever - anything I could name that someone somewhere thinks is rude, they do it. But one thing that really irritates me is that they'll let you explain what you're going to cook, then when the meal is being served, they'll say 'is there anything else - I don't like x' or 'is there something else for ChildsName to eat?' Then they fully expect you to heat up something else for them while everyone else's meal goes cold. I trained DP out of this but something minor that bugs me is that I was taught if someone comes home with the shopping, you go offer to help unpack. It's just what my mum does. DP just doesn't get this and, though it's irrational, it never fails to irritate me.

As for my family - my parents are both eye-wateringly rude in shops or any kind of situation where they're paying for a service. They barely bother with 'please' or 'thank you' and they will complain at the drop of a hat. My dad recently had me read an email he was sending to his lawyer - who he thinks is doing a good job for him - and it was so rude I was squirming! No 'I hope you are well' or anything, just a list of demands and criticisms. I was well into my 20s before I really understood how to write a polite letter.

What about you?

FML everything my family did was rude, and weird, if not criminal. If you are brought up that way you don’t always know what’s right or wrong.

Turns out shouting at random people out of car windows is rude. I’m not sure if going to strangers weddings and funerals is rude but ive been told it’s definitely weird. Vandalising things strays into the criminal, but we used to do that too as a family outing. Picking flowers out of other peoples gardens is at best frowned upon, I’m guessing. Door knocking and running away as a joke. Taking things out of skips.

I’d never come across the idea of an anniversary, a thank you card, no idea that a gift for anything except birthdays and Christmas could be expected. It was the norm to take a bottle of something if we went to someones house but it was for us to drink and we’d be taking home any spare after. EG:- first time I learned about wedding gifts was from watching Friends and even then I thought that’s an American thing. I first heard of Valentine’s Day at high school. I was in my later twenties before I found out what an RSVP was.

I still have some things I’d consider normal but I don’t know if they are rude or not.

Crossing the baby’s palm with silver.
Taking babies and toddlers to the cinema/theatre/out in the evening.
Beeping at people you know when you unexpectedly drive past them.
Inviting people out for a birthday and paying/not paying. I never know about that one.
According to a recent mn thread I clearly have no idea what is ok to wear to a traditional English wedding despite having attended several.

And some things my DH’s lot do that baffle me.

They don’t do rounds in the pub. I use rounds to help me figure out how much I’ve drunk!
They automatically couple up, eg if you invite one the other considers themselves invited too, it is assumed.
On the above note if you tell one person something in confidence that means they will tell their spouse. This is bafflingly rude to me and has tripped me up before.
Nobody eats the last piece of anything. It is parcelled up carefully and put in the fridge then thrown out three days later. I’d have eaten it, but it is rude.
Penis portions.
We don’t correct the elders even when the elders are being rude, racist, sexist, we hold our tongues and bitch about them later

Have a parent with poor manners..think pushing in front you to get to a cupboard without a word, literally stretching over your plate at the dinner table and licking the plate 🤢 Also ignoring you when they just can't be bothered to answer.

Then there's the parent who'll want you to go upstairs to fetch them something because they can't be bothered to move, or get up to pass them something just out of their reach even though they're much closer than you.

There's the family member who upsets everyone by refusing to coordinate on plans and just announces what they're doing without consideration for how it affects everyone else. Then gets upset if someone protests.

DH’s family are so rude when it comes to presents. They barely say thank you or even really acknowledge that they’ve opened a gift. My family always say thank you and show appreciation for it.

They also never have enough food. When having a roast, that’s a bit more understandable but they once made 6 sandwiches for 11 of us to share.

MIL never listens. She offered to make something for us for when DD2 was born and showed us a design. I asked if we could have a different but much simpler design (which better fit our needs) and she said yes. She made us the original design which, whilst we were grateful, doesn’t quite work how we need it to. She then made a huge fuss about how complicated the design was to make and how SIL definitely couldn’t have it for her baby as well.

My family can be quite overbearing and we’re all involved in everything. It can be quite full on for outsiders. My mum organises birthdays/ChristmasEaster activities that often involve doing something a bit silly. For the most part, DH and BIL have embraced it and fully join in but I do have to reign her in when DH’s family are also involved.

I’m sure there is more than my family do that’s annoying or rude but you’d have to ask my DH.

DH's family never say thank you for presents. It's really weird - I used to hand over thoughtful, generous gifts and they would open them then set them aside without a word. I find it so rude. Nowadays I just get something generic.

Luckily DH doesn't do it and is always a very polite recipient. He thinks they are weird about presents too.

@PiesNotGuys what on earth is a penis portion??

@PiesNotGuys is some of this regional?! I moved to Yorkshire when DD was a baby and it's only here I've found people (especially older people) will often do some of these things. Crossing a baby's palm with silver (ie. offering a 50p) is really common from strangers, and beeping at people you know. Taking things out of skips as well.

@PiesNotGuys

FML everything my family did was rude, and weird, if not criminal. If you are brought up that way you don’t always know what’s right or wrong.

Turns out shouting at random people out of car windows is rude. I’m not sure if going to strangers weddings and funerals is rude but ive been told it’s definitely weird. Vandalising things strays into the criminal, but we used to do that too as a family outing. Picking flowers out of other peoples gardens is at best frowned upon, I’m guessing. Door knocking and running away as a joke. Taking things out of skips.

I’d never come across the idea of an anniversary, a thank you card, no idea that a gift for anything except birthdays and Christmas could be expected. It was the norm to take a bottle of something if we went to someones house but it was for us to drink and we’d be taking home any spare after. EG:- first time I learned about wedding gifts was from watching Friends and even then I thought that’s an American thing. I first heard of Valentine’s Day at high school. I was in my later twenties before I found out what an RSVP was.

I still have some things I’d consider normal but I don’t know if they are rude or not.

Crossing the baby’s palm with silver.
Taking babies and toddlers to the cinema/theatre/out in the evening.
Beeping at people you know when you unexpectedly drive past them.
Inviting people out for a birthday and paying/not paying. I never know about that one.
According to a recent mn thread I clearly have no idea what is ok to wear to a traditional English wedding despite having attended several.

And some things my DH’s lot do that baffle me.

They don’t do rounds in the pub. I use rounds to help me figure out how much I’ve drunk!
They automatically couple up, eg if you invite one the other considers themselves invited too, it is assumed.
On the above note if you tell one person something in confidence that means they will tell their spouse. This is bafflingly rude to me and has tripped me up before.
Nobody eats the last piece of anything. It is parcelled up carefully and put in the fridge then thrown out three days later. I’d have eaten it, but it is rude.
Penis portions.
We don’t correct the elders even when the elders are being rude, racist, sexist, we hold our tongues and bitch about them later

I’m in the “assume it’s okay to tell your spouse” camp as well. Unless specifically told not to I always spill the tea to DP. It’s good to get another perspective…I just wish he liked to gossip more!

@sjxoxo

My MIL constantly makes what I think are passive aggressive remarks about my mum. Like ‘your mum looks tired- I expect it’s all that worry about her parents!’.. I think it’s rude and strange!

She also always adjusts my baby.. whilst I’m breastfeeding him. Like tries to move his head a bit upwards or his arm. Really pees me off!! Tonight he was a bit whingey and I had him on the boob for comfort.. she takes him off me and puts a dummy in! I restrained myself but it infuriates me. I won’t miss her! X

That is CRAZY behaviour.

They have no filters and very few boundaries. Several times, I've stood open-mouthed as DH casually relates something to his parents that I did not intend to be said to them!

It's nothing really terrible, just things I find embarrassing. Eg 'shame MIL's dinner didn't turn out as well as she wanted today, I preferred the meal she made for us last week'. I'm honest with DH in private about stuff like that, but I'd never act so ungrateful to someone who has kindly cooked for me. Let alone MIL, who is totally lovely.

Have tomato ketchup with everything eg roast dinner. Will request it when out.
Dear mil used to cook a chicken and invite 20 people

My ex inlaws were very ungrateful people, they would never say thank you if you bought them a gift and would be quite open if they disliked it! I was offended quite often on that score as my exH was the same.

My parents can be rude when having visitors over as they will leave the TV on when trying to chat, everyone has to sit quietly because the soaps are on, I think that's a bit embarrassing and don't do it myself.

My families way of interacting is to call each other really rude names or call each other out over certain behaviours. For example “hey mushroom hunter, you’d need to shave that beard your starting to look like a big hairy man” (I am a women who has no facial hair) then laugh out loud and everyone then joins in adds their bits on.

Oh mushroomhunter, your husband is a big fat slob, I’ve heard he order double portions when your out” laughs hard, others join in like it’s a sport.

They burp and fart really loud no matter where they are at, in fact the women are the worst at it.

Needless to say, I’ve went nc with them all. DHs family are the pinnacle of polite.

@florianfortescue

DH's family never say thank you for presents. It's really weird - I used to hand over thoughtful, generous gifts and they would open them then set them aside without a word. I find it so rude. Nowadays I just get something generic.

Luckily DH doesn't do it and is always a very polite recipient. He thinks they are weird about presents too.

Have you also married my DH?!

FIL:
Salts his food before tasting it.
Is awful to waiting staff if something goes wrong, even when it's obviously not their fault.
Clears his throat, blows his nose, burps really, really, really loudly at the dinner table. Honestly it's grim.
Has a stoma and drops in bowel talk at every bloody opportunity. Like, we get it, having a stoma is a big deal, but I don't care what the stoma society says, there is taboo in poo for a bloody good reason and we don't need to discuss it every meal time.
Talks about me in the third person to DH when I'm in the room when he wants something out of me; i.e. "It would be good if CatDog could join us for that event".

Can you tell I'm not a fan

MIL:
Equally rude to waiting staff.
Lots of passive aggressive stuff in general. She blames me for the fact that DH now lives 400 miles away even though we moved for his job.

DF:
Talks at people, instead of with people. I think part of this is because he's slightly deaf and struggles to hear what the other person is saying, but he's also always been crap at listening and does love his opinions.

DM:
Comments on how people eat, i.e. if they eat quickly or a lot. She's very conscious about weight and can be judgemental about people's diets.

Penis portions - serving more dinner to all male people and smaller portions to all female people.

I get significantly smaller portions than nearly housebound very elderly male family member - even if I’ve literally climbed a mountain that day, or am pregnant or breastfeeding or both.

Penis portions also involve men getting served first (by the women obv) and consequently getting their pick of the meal, and the women get what is left, after everyone else has dug in. My male DC gets a bigger portion than his older sister

I love DH family but sometimes (not pil since they’re always welcome) they outstay their welcome. If I invite sil and kids for lunch and a play they’ll sometimes still be here in the evening and I’ve had to learn to say ‘okay we’ll see you later then’ even when they’re not showing any signs of leaving. I think if you’re invited for lunch you should know to leave before dinner rather than expect to stay. She lets the kids beg me to sleep over too which I find a bit awkward. I don’t let mine do it to her.

My family, too many to list. Think that’s why I’m so hyper vigilant.

My sisters Dd will finish her dinner then coolly hand her plate to the first person that gets up from the table. She's 25 years old, rude, entitled and lazy and never lifts a finger.

@winkydink my MIL must have gone to school with your PIL re. the cards, although she does like to put the date of the occasion in the top right corner (in case I forget my own birthday...?) She also refuses to cook for us when we visit and happily lets DH host her (and me - she is very keen on him waiting on me in!) in her own home, which I find odd as my parents are the opposite with hosting, pushing food and drink constantly and not letting us lift a finger. My DF in particular likes to lecture us at length about the latest topic/project he has decided we should be doing and DH always worries (not without reason) my DF will simply start doing stuff to our house if we don't keep an eagle eye on him at all times. We know it is his anxiety disorder, but DH takes it as a slight against his own decisions and life choices. Fortunately we know our parents all mean well, and live far enough away to avoid getting too annoyed.

@SarahandQuack

Lancashire! But they key question is - are those things rude? Or not rude?

My judgment is fried. I blame my parents. They died young, so I was raised in a weird house and then unleashed into the world with one to ask! It’s no wonder I don’t know what to wear to a wedding

I’m in the “assume it’s okay to tell your spouse” camp as well. Unless specifically told not to I always spill the tea to DP.

I don’t understand this. I would guess if they wanted your spouse to know, they would have said it in front of your spouse and you. Anyone who would tell me this would be someone I automatically would never tell anything personal to. My DH tells me things and I tell him not to because again if those people wanted me to know, they would tell me themselves. I also reiterate to DH not to tell anything personal about me to anyone else either. He comes from a family of gossips and I’ve heard what they say about others and that includes other family members so no way I want them knowing anything that they don’t need to.

I would assume a 'penis portion' is men automatically getting a larger portion?

I think beeping your car is rude / antisocial because it's just unnecessary noise that annoys most people and adds to the general noisiness of towns and cities (mostly caused by cars - see also car stereos, loud exhausts, revving engines). But I may be an exception.

DP's family plate food up individually rather than serving at the table and letting you decide your own portion size. They also insist you start eating even though they are still getting drinks or whatever. I was always taught to wait until everyone was sat down so find that uncomfortable.

My DM can be a bit overbearing with insisting on people having second helpings, not really taking no for an answer but otherwise I think they are good hosts.

My MIL is incredibly big on manners - everyone must lay knives and forks at 6 o'clock when finished, ALWAYS use napkins etc etc. She finds my family rude and too casual; I realise my family reach all the way over the table for things in a way that would horrify MIL, for example.

However, my family also never has screaming rows at dinner (or ever) and hers does, not infrequently.

[quote PiesNotGuys]@SarahandQuack

Lancashire! But they key question is - are those things rude? Or not rude?

My judgment is fried. I blame my parents. They died young, so I was raised in a weird house and then unleashed into the world with one to ask! It’s no wonder I don’t know what to wear to a wedding [/quote]
Not rude! Or I don't think so? I find the giving babies money one a little awkward to navigate, but it's definitely not rude. Taking stuff out of a skip - yes, why wouldn't you? Given it's going to be thrown away? I personally don't like it when people beep at me but I know it's well meant.

I would not necessarily trust MN's advice on wedding clothes, either!

But nicking flowers etc. is rude.

(I love how I am being the oracle here. The truth is I have no idea either! I just know what I think is rude.)

When my PIL come to stay I dread mealtimes. My FIL thinks it's acceptable
to fart and burp at the table. 20 years of me leaving the table and my meal when he does it and he still doesn't stop. Also he always puts a meat covered spoon or fork in every single vegan dish I make. I doubt I've ever eaten a full meal when they've stayed with us.