What things do your partner's family do that you think are really rude? And what things do your family do that you now realise are rude?!

[SarahAndQuack]

This is absolutely a thread about a thread (the one where the OP's husband leaves the table). It just got me wondering. What does your partner do because they've been brought up that way, that you think is actually really rude? And what things did you discover, as an adult, were really rude that your family thought were normal?

DP's family have no table manners whatsoever - anything I could name that someone somewhere thinks is rude, they do it. But one thing that really irritates me is that they'll let you explain what you're going to cook, then when the meal is being served, they'll say 'is there anything else - I don't like x' or 'is there something else for ChildsName to eat?' Then they fully expect you to heat up something else for them while everyone else's meal goes cold. I trained DP out of this but something minor that bugs me is that I was taught if someone comes home with the shopping, you go offer to help unpack. It's just what my mum does. DP just doesn't get this and, though it's irrational, it never fails to irritate me.

As for my family - my parents are both eye-wateringly rude in shops or any kind of situation where they're paying for a service. They barely bother with 'please' or 'thank you' and they will complain at the drop of a hat. My dad recently had me read an email he was sending to his lawyer - who he thinks is doing a good job for him - and it was so rude I was squirming! No 'I hope you are well' or anything, just a list of demands and criticisms. I was well into my 20s before I really understood how to write a polite letter.

What about you?

My FIL interrupts me and talks over me if I’m speaking, every single time.

I’m not a prolific talker, if anything I withdraw when they visit now, but he will just cut across me and talk about something else entirely. It is absolutely astonishing. It’s so predictable. He’s not deaf, he’s just bloody rude and it is ingrained in him that women are beneath men and to be seen and not heard. I’m too feminist and prepared to stand up for myself and he really doesn’t like me, though he tries to keep a bit of a lid on that.

My way of dealing with it is to just skid to a verbal halt, which seems to highlight it to everyone else. My H now says to his father “dad, you just interrupted Here”, and he will apologise rattly. This in itself is a level of progress, my H used to be extremely defensive of his massively overbearing family.

I have the same as @Onlyhuman123. Can’t get a word in when they’re all yelling over the top of each other so often just talk to the kids or sit quietly.

They also don’t greet or call goodbye on coming and going from the house which I find SO rude.

SIL is chronically late, always more than an hour, she won’t start getting ready until you are due to leave and there is always a huge fuss like she’s being unreasonably hurried.
I won’t eat at her house anymore as she rings and rings and rings about you not being late. Get there for allotted time, she hasn’t dressed, showered or even shopped for food. Dinner can be 3-4 hours late.

PILs thought I was rude as I wasn’t constantly joining in with their conversations about nothing that just went on and on and on. Literally ask you the same question over and over, bizarre. I also didn’t look like I was having the best time of my life sitting in their house for hours and hours doing nothing.

Salting food is wrong?!

it is rude to salt it before you taste. Even if you like highly salted food. My brother is a chef and (IMO) oversalts a bit. I've been there while he's seen people pile on the salt then complain that it's too salty. It's not pretty.

it really isn't too much to taste something then adjust seasoning.

When it was my sons christening we had a do after in a pub. We made our own food there was enough but not tons. We arrived slightly after guests. (We had stayed at church to see everyone off/thank vicar) as we were walking through the door of the reception pils, bil, sil and grandparents immediately started removing covers from the (cold) buffet. All dh side of family rushed to the buffet like they were starved and piled their plates, some taking two plates. The food was gone on about ten minutes and my side of family barely got any.

DH family are rude, burping and farting whilst having a meal, swearing flat out and also racist. Needless to say I try to spend as little time as possible with them 🙈

@purplesky18

My in laws have a habit of pointing out every odd job or chore that hasn’t been done. ‘Oh is your washing machine still leaking slightly why haven’t you done that? Oooh a bit of paints peeled here you should touch that up!’ I’ve got two kids under 4 and both work full time give us a break!

My mum is also very bitter and rude to shop people also. If something is not to her taste she will pull a full Karen while I die in the background.

My dad does the first one. Drives me insane! 'Oh, there's a crack in the wall here'.

No, you don't say, I don't know how I didn't notice that, what with the fact I live here and look at that wall every day.

'Ooh, you've got a scuff mark here'.

My exH family never stop talking. And they don't listen to what each other says. My MIL once had a go at me for asking a question about something ridiculous she'd said because I didn't think it was true or right. Apparently, letting the conversation flow was more important than thinking about what you're saying.

On the other hand, my extended family tend to talk only to convey necessary information which also seems rude to people the first time then come over to a (very quiet) family gathering.

I really cannot understand the people who open presents and put them aside without saying thank you. In fact, so many things in life where you would instinctively thank somebody. If I were randomly given a test that meant I could NOT say thank you for a day, I genuinely don't think I could achieve it. I'm not super polite or anything - just normal, as far as I'm aware.

When we arrange to meet at a restaurant they usually always arrive early and will order their food before everyone has got there. Sometimes they are eating their starters! They also order lots of food but will then want to split the bill. I find it incredibly rude.

@TheGrinchsDog yes! And if you protest you're being hugely unreasonable. Also this family member is very quick to get mardy and strop that you're treating them like a servant if you dare to ask them to bring you a glass of water on their way back from the kitchen

DPiL when staying with us would start serving themselves and eating before everyone was sat down. We cured them of this by having the last person to the table bring cutlery and serving spoons.

Generally though they were lovely people.

DB is always rude to tradesmen in his or DM's home to do work. He speaks to them as though they are about to rip him off.

He also expects people who are possibly going to do him a favour to contact him to offer rather than him contact them to ask. I was supposed to offer to help him with his tax return (I'm an accountant). DH was supposed to offer to convert his garage into a room. Funnily enough neither of those things happened as DH and I were too rude to offer.

My mother clocks every new thing in my house, she's also very self absorbed and can't have a conversation on the phone unless it's all about her, she will interrupt me because she wants to talk about herself, but now I just get louder when she tries to cut me off . If I'm not feeling well, she's feeling worse, if I have a hospital appointment for something she's had it too.

@Bananabutter

I’m a slow eater, and DH’s family are all fast. When they’re done they get up and start clearing up around me while I’m still eating I just think it’s so rude and thankfully DH doesn’t do it anymore.

That is just awful! I would refuse to eat with them, or at least I would have to mention it! Some members of my family have terrible manners too, eating really fast and not using cutlery properly. I grew up a lot with my gran who was the table manners police so it's really noticeable.

When we arrange to meet at a restaurant they usually always arrive early and will order their food before everyone has got there. Sometimes they are eating their starters! They also order lots of food but will then want to split the bill. I find it incredibly rude.

Bill-splitting should, by law, work on the same principles of Golden Balls, but in reverse. If both people/families/parties want to share (50/50), that's what happens; but if just one person wants to 'steal' (by only paying half and scoring a massive subsidy when they've royally filled their boots), they legally have to pay the whole bill themselves; if they both want to steal (for the abovementioned reason), they each have to pay the full bill (i.e. paying twice as much in total) and the other half is shared between the waiters/waitresses and the local food bank!

@FridayBluezzzz

SIL is chronically late, always more than an hour, she won’t start getting ready until you are due to leave and there is always a huge fuss like she’s being unreasonably hurried. I won’t eat at her house anymore as she rings and rings and rings about you not being late. Get there for allotted time, she hasn’t dressed, showered or even shopped for food. Dinner can be 3-4 hours late.

PILs thought I was rude as I wasn’t constantly joining in with their conversations about nothing that just went on and on and on. Literally ask you the same question over and over, bizarre. I also didn’t look like I was having the best time of my life sitting in their house for hours and hours doing nothing.

You are quite right not to want to go to her house anymore. How spoilt and indulged she sounds.

If I'm not feeling well, she's feeling worse

Oh I know that one!

My mother is now dead, but she would tell EVERYONE about something I would have told her about myself. Then she would wonder why I never told her anything personal. I fully expected to read in the parish magazine “Soosan’s mother is pleased to announce that Soosan has passed through the menopause with few problems”.

SFIL covers anything I cook him in salt before tasting
MIL walks into the bedroom husband and I share at her house without knocking (I was naked from the waist up as just about to breastfeed the baby)
SMIL reads my post if I leave it out (learnt to tidy away letters after she read my pay rise letter and commented how she didn’t think I was worth paying that much!!!)
FIL is okay but did call me “enormous” when I was 9 months pregnant 😂 true, but not what I wanted to hear!
Tbf I like all of them except SMIL

My OH always dowses every meal with black pepper without even tasting it! He also cooks to his taste (very spicy) without any consideration for whoever else is eating. he's got a bit better at that.

My mother was always late - it was so embarrassing as a child to know that we would be anywhere between 5 and 15 minutes late for a dance lesson, music lesson, birthday party etc. When she (very generously) offered to pick up her grandchildren from school or whatever, we learned to tell her she needed to be there half an hour beforehand so kids weren't left standing alone. It was never deliberate, she just had little concept of time management - she was a SAHM in the 70s, no car, small village. Whilst her job was way more difficult than my office based one, she never had to start at a set time or have things done by x o'clock etc. I spoke to her massage therapist once and he admitted that he always told her an appointment time that was 15 minutes before her actual appointment as she never managed to calculate the travel time from home to appt and would always arrive 15 minutes late.

@autienotnaughty

When it was my sons christening we had a do after in a pub. We made our own food there was enough but not tons. We arrived slightly after guests. (We had stayed at church to see everyone off/thank vicar) as we were walking through the door of the reception pils, bil, sil and grandparents immediately started removing covers from the (cold) buffet. All dh side of family rushed to the buffet like they were starved and piled their plates, some taking two plates. The food was gone on about ten minutes and my side of family barely got any.

My family would rather die than do that! My mum and her sister are very much of the FHB mindset and will literally wait until everyone's had thirds before they serve themselves, especially in their own houses.

@SarahAndQuack

Ohhh, the salt thing would drive my mother bonkers - my granddad did that and it never failed to really irritate her.

Oh. They’d hate me. I have Addison’s disease and cover even puddings in salt!!

Dad - continued watching TV when I came to visit (planned - 2 hr trip); rarely made any attempt at conversation other than the odd rude statement e.g. 'you're fat' (I was definitely slimmer than him) or 'you spend too much money' (based on what I'm not sure - the fact I always paid for our meals out and he never offered?). Licked his knife.

Step mum - smoked when I was in the car with her (even short journeys) and would come in to a room I was in and light up. If I wound down the car window or left the room I was called a rude brat. I considered her to be the rude one. When I was older she also came out with rude one liners to people e.g. 'you're starving that child' (didn't approve of breastfeeding - it was a fad apparently); 'why have a dog and bark yourself' in response to people being kind enough to do things for her.

FIL - clicks his fingers when eating out to get attention in a very flamboyant and pompous manner; noisy eating and talks with is mouth full; double dips. We actively avoid eating with him now.

MIL - talks over the top of people (often about something completely different); monologues; also double dips but the worst was when DS had made a frosted cake - we all had a slice and about 3/4 was left over. She sat there running her finger all around the remaining cake where the two layers joined licking her finger and going back in multiple times.

There is more for all of them but I suspect I've said enough now!

DM talks with her mouth full. Often spits into your food.
Coughs without covering her mouth, often right into your face or your own food on the table. She's been told but keeps doing it.
I try to sit side by side with her whenever we go for lunch or strategically position a tall menu or carafe to mitigate the fallout.

Her side of the family always talk about the cost of everything. They can't mention that they went for lunch without detailing who bought what. Hearing about trips or a wedding is just really a litany of who bought what and when and how much it cost. It's weird, they all do it.

You cannot finish a sentence without getting interrupted. Even if it's where they asked you they need to know. So DM could be asking how a medical appointment went for me yet literally give me barely any time to open my mouth to tell her before she interrupts to tell you about the same procedure she got back in 1965. (which she told me many, many times during my life anyway.) Anything she does remember immediately gets liberally doused with her own interpretation and littered with incorrect or just downright invented facts and regaled to her family through the grapevine. So I tell her very little now and nothing personal. She now complains I never tell her anything.

They find offence at the slightest things and also that means that they assume everyone else does at the drop of a hat. So then they assume that you are mad at them for stuff that they dreamt up in their heads.

DPs' family are lovely. I love spending time with them.