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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What things do your partner's family do that you think are really rude? And what things do your family do that you now realise are rude?!

266 replies

SarahAndQuack · 23/03/2022 20:25

This is absolutely a thread about a thread (the one where the OP's husband leaves the table). It just got me wondering. What does your partner do because they've been brought up that way, that you think is actually really rude? And what things did you discover, as an adult, were really rude that your family thought were normal?

DP's family have no table manners whatsoever - anything I could name that someone somewhere thinks is rude, they do it. But one thing that really irritates me is that they'll let you explain what you're going to cook, then when the meal is being served, they'll say 'is there anything else - I don't like x' or 'is there something else for ChildsName to eat?' Then they fully expect you to heat up something else for them while everyone else's meal goes cold. I trained DP out of this but something minor that bugs me is that I was taught if someone comes home with the shopping, you go offer to help unpack. It's just what my mum does. DP just doesn't get this and, though it's irrational, it never fails to irritate me.

As for my family - my parents are both eye-wateringly rude in shops or any kind of situation where they're paying for a service. They barely bother with 'please' or 'thank you' and they will complain at the drop of a hat. My dad recently had me read an email he was sending to his lawyer - who he thinks is doing a good job for him - and it was so rude I was squirming! No 'I hope you are well' or anything, just a list of demands and criticisms. I was well into my 20s before I really understood how to write a polite letter.

What about you?

OP posts:
Thatswhyimacat · 25/03/2022 18:02

My family are from Spain and they don't all interrupt each other. I find the idea that Spanish people are all loud and obnoxious and mouthy quite offensive.

flamingbrain · 25/03/2022 18:20

@TheGrinchsDog

"What did your last slave die of?"

My go-to response:

"INSOLENCE"

NB - the louder the response, the better

toomanytwinkies · 25/03/2022 18:36

@IrishMama2015

My DM and MIL both answer the phone no matter WHAT is going on. Mid conversation, mid meal, on the landline, no matter whose around or what they have in their hands already it doesn't matter they HAVE to answer their ringing mobile
Omg yes this 🤣 drives me potty
Gwenhwyfar · 25/03/2022 20:36

@stuntbubbles

No serviettes for a meal, kitchen paper would be fine but nothing. They'd rather have food around their mouths. I can’t think of anyone I know who uses napkins – it’s not rude, it’s fairly normal. But everyone I know also manages to aim the food inside their mouth.
It's very British not to have even a piece of kitchen paper. I'm not saying everyone has to use it, but if you have guests you should have some available for those who do want it.
MrsSkylerWhite · 25/03/2022 20:38

No longer, we live too far away but when our eldest was young, grandad would turn up at 7am unannounced some days.

Gwenhwyfar · 25/03/2022 20:41

@Thatswhyimacat

My family are from Spain and they don't all interrupt each other. I find the idea that Spanish people are all loud and obnoxious and mouthy quite offensive.
I didn't say lout and obnoxious, I said they interrupt each other. I wasn't talking about your family, but Spanish people in general. Do you go to Spain regularly, know Spanish people and watch Spanish TV? If you do, I find it amazing that you deny that Spanish people (in general!) interrupt each other.
Gwenhwyfar · 25/03/2022 20:44

@MrsSkylerWhite

No longer, we live too far away but when our eldest was young, grandad would turn up at 7am unannounced some days.
That's rude, but surely you just don't answer the phone. Some of my neighbours were looking for their cat. When I didn't answer the door because they rang the bell before 9am they rang the police!
merryhouse · 25/03/2022 20:45

The only correct response to "what did your last slave die of?":
"overwork, duh"

My sisters and I do the all talking at once thing. It's not that we interrupt each other, it's that we can hold three sentences in our heads simultaneously.

H finds it Utterly Terrible and really rude. Unfortunately he responds by getting really stroppy, then when he does get everyone to wait till he's finished he takes five sentences where one would have done, and he has a didactic manner at the best of times. (Plus, he's not totally innocent himself when it comes to actual proper interrupting...)

Fortunately my family are aware of his good points (which are many) and that I love him actually quite a lot Grin

Late FiL would chew without closing his mouth - as does at least one BiL - and talk before finishing the mouthful. He also interrupted his wife as a matter of course - I don't think he even realised he was doing it. In fact once he got quite annoyed with her for talking at the same time as him.

MiL invariably salts her food, which mildly annoys H if she doesn't remember to taste his cooking first. Even though we all know perfectly well she'll add more salt every time.

stuntbubbles · 25/03/2022 20:56

It's very British not to have even a piece of kitchen paper. I'm not saying everyone has to use it, but if you have guests you should have some available for those who do want it.
Counterpoint: no you shouldn’t and it’s not rude to not provide face flannels for the over-threes.

JudgeJ · 25/03/2022 21:26

[quote SarahAndQuack]@PiesNotGuys is some of this regional?! I moved to Yorkshire when DD was a baby and it's only here I've found people (especially older people) will often do some of these things. Crossing a baby's palm with silver (ie. offering a 50p) is really common from strangers, and beeping at people you know. Taking things out of skips as well.[/quote]
I only knew about crossing a new baby's palm with silver when I married a Yorkshireman, I don't think it's rude, it's rather sweet.

JudgeJ · 25/03/2022 21:30

@Jessasamantha

My ILs think it’s fine to completely ignore WhatsApp’s or texts. They also think it’s ok not to bother saying thank you for birthday or Xmas gifts. So unbelievably rude.
In your in-laws defence if they're of my generation constantly looking at our phones is not unusual so I often have messages etc I've not immediately replied to.
JudgeJ · 25/03/2022 21:33

Oh you've reminded me my mother loves a Gofer! She could be sitting closer to the desired object than you, you have to get up and pass by her to get it... or even come through from another bloody room! She still requires someone else to hand it to her! Lazy and rude!
But surely this only happens because you allow it to by being her personal gofer, the same as many of these examples of poor behaviour, they happen because they're allowed to happen.

ChiaraRimini · 25/03/2022 22:12

The only answer to this is divorce, life is so much better when you don't have to deal with the ghastly in-laws!

PinkFluffyUnicornSlippers · 25/03/2022 22:26

DH’s family are terrible for interrupting during conversations. DH himself has never actually done it thankfully but we got to the point that we would just ignore them if we were in the middle of a conversation (unless it was a genuine emergency) We just got fed up with being interrupted with ‘look at the cat’ ‘Sue’s had a new hair do’ etc. As for my family, it’s probably that we’re a very quiet house. I personally like it but I’ve been told by others it’s boring. TV is rarely on and we just chill. Each to their own I guess.

PollyPutTheKettleOnKettleOn · 26/03/2022 11:05

@JudgeJ

Oh you've reminded me my mother loves a Gofer! She could be sitting closer to the desired object than you, you have to get up and pass by her to get it... or even come through from another bloody room! She still requires someone else to hand it to her! Lazy and rude! But surely this only happens because you allow it to by being her personal gofer, the same as many of these examples of poor behaviour, they happen because they're allowed to happen.
In my case, if I protest it could trigger a massive fall out. i would be unreasonable, selfish, incredibly rude etc We would end up having a huge row and it wouldn't be resolved.

I am trying to get my point across in more gentle ways but I don't think it will work, any more than an honest but grown up and reasonable discussion about it would.

Herejustforthisone · 26/03/2022 13:33

I’ve thought of another. My parents-in-law read my mail if I open it and make the mistake of leaving it sitting (folded up) around. I caught them reading a medical letter once from the perinatal mental health team. They didn’t know I’d seen them and I didn’t say anything, but stored it. Until they discussed it with their doctor daughter, who then contacted my H (her brother) in concern, at which point I launched into a tirade about the invasion into my private medical history and the discussion of it behind my back.

DelurkingLawyer · 26/03/2022 16:18

@Herejustforthisone

I’ve thought of another. My parents-in-law read my mail if I open it and make the mistake of leaving it sitting (folded up) around. I caught them reading a medical letter once from the perinatal mental health team. They didn’t know I’d seen them and I didn’t say anything, but stored it. Until they discussed it with their doctor daughter, who then contacted my H (her brother) in concern, at which point I launched into a tirade about the invasion into my private medical history and the discussion of it behind my back.
Oh my god @Herejustforthisone forget getting up from the table before others have finished or leaving the telly on, this is unforgivably rude!

What did they say when you let rip? My PIL would have collapsed into whingeing victimhood about how they were sooooo worried that they just read random mail looking for problems

And why didn’t your SIL the doctor tell them it was completely inappropriate?

Herejustforthisone · 26/03/2022 16:42

They did exactly that. “We were just sooooo worried about you.” All sorts of tears and protests of pure and good intentions, which makes my husband waver sometimes. I was fuming and didn’t speak to them for a long time.

The daughter is cut from the same cloth as them so thought nothing of it. She’s a bit superior because of her doctor status and thinks she’s above us mere mortals.

My own mum confided a stomach cancer diagnosis in them (she thought they were friends) and they discussed it at great lengths with their daughter, who does not not work in oncology but apparently is the overlord on all things medicine, which they then fed back to her. My mum was aghast.

DelurkingLawyer · 26/03/2022 17:20

@Herejustforthisone

They did exactly that. “We were just sooooo worried about you.” All sorts of tears and protests of pure and good intentions, which makes my husband waver sometimes. I was fuming and didn’t speak to them for a long time.

The daughter is cut from the same cloth as them so thought nothing of it. She’s a bit superior because of her doctor status and thinks she’s above us mere mortals.

My own mum confided a stomach cancer diagnosis in them (she thought they were friends) and they discussed it at great lengths with their daughter, who does not not work in oncology but apparently is the overlord on all things medicine, which they then fed back to her. My mum was aghast.

I bet sister-doctor isn’t a specialist in perinatal mental health either. And I bet she’s the golden child!

Your poor mum too Flowers

Herejustforthisone · 26/03/2022 18:33

And I bet she’s the golden child!

How did you guess?! Grin I could have several hundreds of threads on them as a collective.

LittleBoPeepHasLostHerShit · 26/03/2022 19:19

The TV is always on at PILs and when we stay there, everyone watches it during every meal, except me because I have my back to it where I sit (MIL allocates everything from bathrooms to towels to seats at the table) and am also blocking FILs view of it. (He sits there sort of looking around me.)

MIL is a control freak who has opinions about everything I do (some of them are positive, at least.)

My parents offer so little food that it makes me cringe with embarrassment.

aceyace · 26/03/2022 20:18

If we are going out my partner sits around doing nothing whilst I get kids ready and into the car, and then as I am getting ready to lock the door he goes for a shit! Every single time!

autienotnaughty · 26/03/2022 20:25

@aceyace

If we are going out my partner sits around doing nothing whilst I get kids ready and into the car, and then as I am getting ready to lock the door he goes for a shit! Every single time!
This!!!! And if I complain I'm being unreasonable 🙄
Crossfitgirl · 27/03/2022 08:41

MIL will tell off my children for normal child like things they do, while at my house.
For example being too noisy, playing with something that's messy, running about, touching something she thinks they shouldn't.

Sorry but they are my kids and in my house, if they shouldn't be doing something then I'm the parent and I will tell them!

She also scurries about helping if we have any event, but without being asked. Ok this sounds nice, but she is overbearingly "helpful" constantly asking where things are to clean, or prepare food, or serve things up, literally stood behind me wiping up as I cook. It infuriates me - i have to tell her firmly to go sit down and let me get on with it! It's like she thinks I'm unable to do a good job myself!

MsTSwift · 27/03/2022 08:50

Ha we have doctor worship too Dh brothers wife is worshipped as an oracle by pil. That said she has to put up with questions from fil about his urinary issues over Sunday lunch