What things do your partner's family do that you think are really rude? And what things do your family do that you now realise are rude?!

[SarahAndQuack]

This is absolutely a thread about a thread (the one where the OP's husband leaves the table). It just got me wondering. What does your partner do because they've been brought up that way, that you think is actually really rude? And what things did you discover, as an adult, were really rude that your family thought were normal?

DP's family have no table manners whatsoever - anything I could name that someone somewhere thinks is rude, they do it. But one thing that really irritates me is that they'll let you explain what you're going to cook, then when the meal is being served, they'll say 'is there anything else - I don't like x' or 'is there something else for ChildsName to eat?' Then they fully expect you to heat up something else for them while everyone else's meal goes cold. I trained DP out of this but something minor that bugs me is that I was taught if someone comes home with the shopping, you go offer to help unpack. It's just what my mum does. DP just doesn't get this and, though it's irrational, it never fails to irritate me.

As for my family - my parents are both eye-wateringly rude in shops or any kind of situation where they're paying for a service. They barely bother with 'please' or 'thank you' and they will complain at the drop of a hat. My dad recently had me read an email he was sending to his lawyer - who he thinks is doing a good job for him - and it was so rude I was squirming! No 'I hope you are well' or anything, just a list of demands and criticisms. I was well into my 20s before I really understood how to write a polite letter.

What about you?

@Reluctantadult

My family are really bad for just interrupting each other and talking over each other. I don't think any of us really notice it even, we certainly don't find it rude, it's just part of our conversational flow! However I've come to learn from dh that it's pretty rude, and I've had to work really really hard to stop doing it! I catch myself at it at work too!

YY, my family too. I never realised how much I interrupted until I was well into adulthood.

My dad used to just close his eyes and nap when we had visitors. I don’t think he was ever actually asleep was just his way of not having to engage with people he didn’t particularly like.

My sister used to just go take a nap in our bed when visiting without asking (my family have weird rude napping habits!). She would also help herself to food items that had been put aside for meals I would be making for everyone and just announce “oh I already ate my share of XYZ”. Well that’s great dsis but your “share” was actually part of the ingredients to make a bigger dish!

SIL and BIL are always late for family meals without fail. I’m

My DM starts eating before anyone else, doesn’t say thank you for the meal or say anything nice about it. Will only serve herself water or parmesan cheese etc

In a restaurant will stare at my food until I offer for her to try. She will decline, stare some more until I ask again and then try my food. Drives me crazy!

Visits us, leaves the guest room like a bombshell - rubbish and tissues everywhere, empty water bottles, read newspapers etc. Didn’t know I was running a Hotel 😤

Can’t make conversation at all, comes to England from her country, just talks about random people in her town that we don’t know, never asks how we are, how the kids are doing etc. pretty sure she doesn’t even know I changed jobs a year ago.

Dp and his family start eating as soon as they get their food, regardless if anyone is still waiting for theirs. Also leave the table, start clearing things away when others are still eating. DP is getting better though once I pointed out he’s being rude, but he still sometimes forgets. I find it really irritating!

Also dp salts everything. Everything. Before tasting it. I told him that’s rude especially if someone’s cooked the meal for him. He had no idea it was considered rude! Still does it though. I’m not even going to go into the ketchup on everything. But it generally follows the salting.

However, my parents can be quite rude to people when they are paying for service. Sometimes I’ve been cringing. I don’t think they realise how abrupt they come across sometimes. Also they are quite vocally opinionated. And have really no idea about the actual real world sometimes (they are very well off) like their solution to homelessness is they should get a bloody job and work. And no qualms in saying it in earshot of a homeless person for example. And politics, we’ll I just avoid any subject I think might be controversial or that they’ll have a strong opinion on now.

@Habitatty282

Nothing major on either side really but DHs dad always covers his food in salt before he's even tasted it and his mum will often get her phone out at the dinner table (as does DH).

Salting food is wrong?!

I salt (almost) everything as I like salty food...

BIL and SIL are late for everything. Not just a bit, but usually an hour plus. I've gotten used to it now, but it took a while. PIL on the other hand are always early. They used to let themselves in too because they 'weren't sure anyone was in' But since I now permanently wfh (And put the deadbolt on ) it's stopped.

My dad is very shy, but because he's a big bloke I think people assume he's rude. My mum is a bit of a gossip and quite judgey.

dp used to take food off my plate to ‘try a bit’ WITHOUT asking.
I think the first few times he thought I was joking when I asked what the hell he thinks he’s doing, as apparently he’ll happily share his food.
He’s now fully got the message! I’d never dream of taking food off someone’s plate! I suppose it just ties in with his lack of table manners being taught growing up.

His family: Have the football on during dinner. The screen is behind the dining table, so half the diners aren't facing it/twisting around etc. Even on "special" occasions.

My family: My mum has an eating disorder, and doesn't eat with us. She insists on cooking, and serves from dishes for people to plate up themselves. But hovers around to snatch away dishes as soon as possible rather than let us just enjoy.

My DM and MIL both answer the phone no matter WHAT is going on. Mid conversation, mid meal, on the landline, no matter whose around or what they have in their hands already it doesn't matter they HAVE to answer their ringing mobile

My parents are early for everything and are weirdly clean.

If you ask them to come over for 10 theyll be here anywhere between quarter past 9 and quarter to. They'll also start tidying and cleaning stuff. I've left my mam in the living room before while I was cooking and came through and she was dusting.

If we are going round there and say we'll be there for 10, she'll be frantically texting me for location updates from half 9. It's so frustrating.

I've sort of trained myself out of it now but I used to be the same.

My PIL kindly give me birthday, Christmas and Easter cards all as follows:

“Winky (no salutation)

[standard printed card text eg Merry christmas]

Parents In law (no “love” or even “from”!)”

Can anyone explain this? Both retired English teachers before anyone suggests it’s a language barrier! What am I missing? It seems so weird to me!

Oh yes and like other posters, PIL and BIL will never compliment the food I’ve prepared or even say thank you. My own DM was in tears one year when she cooked for a big family meal with them there and I had to explain that the food was lovely and they were just…rude

Winky I get that from mil.

I grew up in a household where the (rare) visitor could have trekked across a desert to get there but my DM would never offer them a cup of tea. 😬

The minimal card writing.

It may sounds trivial to some but invited round to dpils - & I also eat slowly - it is not congenial to have all the plates being cleared away & pudding served before I have finished - but probably more my problem than theirs.

My family: my mum will answer the phone several times during a meal, she can also be judgy about people

His family: incredibly rude to staff at restaurants, mil will sit on eBay while speaking to you, fil will fall asleep with company there, gmil will call all women fat to their faces

OMG! Yes! This! My DP too. I can tell her when dinner will be ready, give her a five minute warning, etc. etc. Still I get:

'Oh, are you serving dinner? I'm just going to go to the loo ...'.

To be fair it's not deliberate, it's some kind of weird Pavlovian reaction, but I still find it annoying.

If he ever does it now I just start, I'm not letting my food go cold. But he knows I find it rude now so its not often.

My MIL constantly makes what I think are passive aggressive remarks about my mum. Like ‘your mum looks tired- I expect it’s all that worry about her parents!’.. I think it’s rude and strange!

She also always adjusts my baby.. whilst I’m breastfeeding him. Like tries to move his head a bit upwards or his arm. Really pees me off!! Tonight he was a bit whingey and I had him on the boob for comfort.. she takes him off me and puts a dummy in! I restrained myself but it infuriates me. I won’t miss her! X

@FurryGiraffe

But one thing that really irritates me is that they'll let you explain what you're going to cook, then when the meal is being served, they'll say 'is there anything else - I don't like x' or 'is there something else for ChildsName to eat?' Then they fully expect you to heat up something else for them while everyone else's meal goes cold.

DH's Step mum and step sister did this the one and only time they came to stay. They sat through the discussion of what to have, went with DH to the supermarket to buy ingredients, and then announced they didn't like it while I was serving up. We had a two week old baby at the time so I wasn't about to start running a cafe. I suggested they could just leave the bits they didn't like but they ended up eating everything.

Ha. So rude! Adults have no business sitting there saying they don't like things. They aren't children. My MIL (also a fussy eater) thinks it's rude to leave the bathroom door open and they keep it closed at all times. But then how do you know if anyone's in there?!

FIL leaves the toilet seat up, sometimes doesn’t flush nor wipes up the pee he gets on the floor (big reason I suggested staying in a hotel when we visit them). Ignoring me when I say to please leave the dishes to the side because MIL doesn’t rinse the dishes so doesn’t see that dishes still have stuck on food and/or grease and BIL will leave a sink full of dirty water in the sink after washing dishes and not drain it. I was raised that the sink area should be clear after washing dishes; dishes washed, rinsed, and put in dish drainer, sink emptied, food trap cleaned, sink cleaned and rinsed. Plus, it all confuses our autistic son who is used to those areas being a certain way.

My dad lectures about things and is loud when doing so. I rather have been grounded as a kid to hear a bloody lecture. If my mother smells a food she doesn’t like, she complains about it over and over. She also eats super slow and is always the last person done eating because she spends it talking and topping her food with xyz. Everyone else talks too yet it takes her an extra 10-15 minutes for some reason.

My ILs think it’s fine to completely ignore WhatsApp’s or texts. They also think it’s ok not to bother saying thank you for birthday or Xmas gifts. So unbelievably rude.

My partner’s family don’t greet the rest of the house when they come home. They open the door and go to where ever they want to be without greeting other household members. People in the house do not come and greet the recently arrived person either. I find it rude, in my family someone who was already home would make the recently arrived person a cup of tea and it was customary to announce your arrival with a jovial “hello” which I’m pleased to say DP has taken on as a habit.

Since being together I have realised the rude thing my family does is not be quiet when other people are sleeping. If it’s 8am and you want a lie in at my parents it’s touch because my dad is juicing oranges, thundering up and down the stairs, shouting across the house to my mum. In DPs family they tiptoe and whisper until the last person is up even if it’s late in the day.

Reading with intrigue

@SliceOfCakeCupOfTea

My parents are early for everything and are weirdly clean.

If you ask them to come over for 10 theyll be here anywhere between quarter past 9 and quarter to. They'll also start tidying and cleaning stuff. I've left my mam in the living room before while I was cooking and came through and she was dusting.

If we are going round there and say we'll be there for 10, she'll be frantically texting me for location updates from half 9. It's so frustrating.

I've sort of trained myself out of it now but I used to be the same.

My parents aren't this bad, but they both believed it was polite to be early. On the very rare occasions they were invited to dinner at someone's house, or we were invited to a party as children, they would invariably arrive 10-15 minutes before time.

They are not sociable at all so almost never had guests over - I'm talking once or twice in five years or so - and so when my first boyfriend's parents were invited over it was a big deal. Mum checking the road anxiously for ages and then dumbfounded when they arrived ten minutes late.

I was mortified for them when I realised lots of people think it's polite to be on the late side when you're invited to someone's home for a meal - not masses late, but certainly not early! I still have to catch myself if it's an unfamiliar trip, because it's ingrained that there's nothing your hosts want more than for you to be there half an hour before they said while they're scurrying around getting ready!