Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be ashamed of these awful feelings?

223 replies

lecreusetpeppermill · 23/03/2022 16:29

I do feel ashamed, and loathe what has become of my mind in this situation. It is to do with where I currently live. I'm sure many could hack it, but I simply can't, and I know that I need to change how I'm dealing with it.

Grew up quite privileged, went into a creative career, then self employment for past 17. Have a DP of 10 yrs, we are happy but not too fussed about marrying yet. No kids, and both of our parents are no longer with us.

Problem: About 5 yrs ago I moved town to be close to a relative who was unwell. As I wfh, this was no problem. I had previously lived in a village in Shropshire, then a larger village in Lancashire. I have also lived part time in Keswick on and off with partner.

This latest town is my problem, but due to a dip in income recently I may have to hang on a while to make the move (and DP could do with waiting a good year or two for work related reasons). We are renters by choice, so thankfully free to go, but this place is so awful it has made me ill and depressed for years now. The relative we were assisting passed away, so whilst nothing is keeping us, we don't want to risk moving at the moment.
I do have good savings but prefer not to decrease them.

But what I am so ashamed of is my thoughts and opinions. I never used to have them, and suspect they have grown this way due to feeling low and trapped.
The place has become run down, town centre almost derelict. A lot of drug and antisocial issues but not on our doorstep. We do have close neighbours with dogs trapped in gardens day and night who bark constantly, nobody is bothered, and trash piles up all around.
All I can hear, day and night is screeching, loud bike and car exhausts. The atmosphere is very male, aggressive, a lot of drink related issues and mental health stuff here.
Someone planted a warehouse 20 feet from the front door, so excessive impact noise from 7am-6pm every day. A car garage opened a few doors away and people go in and out, speeding, revving engines and so on.
It isnt the kind of place one keeps a window open.

We sold our vehicle when we moved here as we are central, and prefer not to invest in another just yet, but there is literally nowhere to go, no safe or nice walks, it is just one concrete street after another, hemmed in by busy roads. We have bikes which we love but the decent paths are filling up with dog crap and more asbo stuff.

But worst of all is how i have come to judge the people. I know that my better self doesn't think these things, and never did before, but they are so unfamiliar to me and perhaps this is the issue? People shout, scream, slam, allow dereliction to pile up. The streets stink of skunk and the pavements are full of spit.
I have come to loathe them with such a passion, yet they do me no direct harm.
I have begin to loathe them for being working class, and this is fucking dreadful. Every sound is aggressive, people thrown cans, wrappers down with no shame. There are never nice sounds, like birds, laughter, fun, music, just shouting, neglected dogs, occasional police sirens.

I've come to judge them for not caring about education, about keeping stuff nice, about them being such a huge majority - and that's the issue isn't it? I suppose we are outsiders. It's like they shit on everything good.
And I know it should not be about class, I never even thought about bloody class prior to coming here. I know people are NOT all the same, but sadly they are here.
I know we will move back to Shropshire eventually, and I need to calm the hell down, but right now it is really taking it's toll on me.

The guy at the back of us keeps 2 handsome german shepherds trapped in a 6x6 yard, they have never been walked in their lives. They are so nervous and stressed out that they just bark savagely all day and night. He only comes home for a few hours and is back off again. He allows them to shit in shared areas and has been reported to council but still does it again.
My life is just watching other people's neglect, listening to pallets smashing as i wfh all day, the stench of revving cars comes in through the hallway.

How do you cope with this and not loathe the fuckers?
I can't understand what kind of life that is, to just throw money on fuel and scream around small terraced streets. To keep aggressive animals and ignore them. And everyone is apathetic, they don't care, and when we offered to get together to report the spilled rubbish we were looked at as if we had three heads.

It is very difficult to do the Eckart Tolle calming shite in this kind of environment Grin
I stopped doing yoga, i used to meditate, I never judged people and now the disgust and anger is consuming me. How to stop this?

I am ashamed of this, I don't like it, and wish I could do something to change how it affects me. I am happy with everything else in my life, we are healthy and love our careers, but having got stuck in this shit pit has shaved a lot of that from us.

OP posts:
AProperStinging · 23/03/2022 19:00

@BusinessMindThoughts

I'm certain it's the same op as that other thread. Sorry nothing has improved. I don't think there's anything wrong with hating anti-social neighbours.
Yes, obviously it's the same person.
venus7 · 23/03/2022 19:04

It's not a class issue, though W.C. can often be judged for this anti social behaviour. I live in a university town, new-ish university.
Before, the town was a lovely mix of people, all classes, interesting, vibrant.
Now......lots of well off students, town is trendy...voted very good place to live...but rough; drugs, drink, filth, noise, no consideration or manners, but no shortage of money. Huge shortage of quality of life.

VaizyCrazyDaizy · 23/03/2022 19:05

Welcome to living in a shit hole as many places have become in modern times. I live in one, it didn’t used to be and it’s not about being poor or working class it’s just how many people are - they just don’t care. I live in the land of dumbed mattresses and old furniture. The builder opposite who dumps his waste in black bin bags along the street! Well he doesn’t anymore because I throw it all back on his drive. The park I moved here for has descended into a dog poop filled, druggie, drunks hang out where when I walk my dog I collect a bin bag of rubbish at the same time. I would love to move but honestly where to it’s all the same. My elderly dad lives in a beautiful scenic so called posh place but the exact same problems for him there! It must be a cultural shift where many people just don’t care for others?!

Saucery · 23/03/2022 19:06

Fylde Coast
An hour from the Lakes if you get a car again.
Avenham Park and the network of cycle paths (Guild Wheel)
Haslam and Miller Parks.
Brockholes Nature Reserve
Old mill towns on bus routes with interesting museums.

I’m surprised you can’t find anyone with community spirit. Even the most deprived areas have a sense of pulling together, if you look.

LatinforTelly · 23/03/2022 19:10

@TheWeeDonkeyFella

This post is very familiar - have you posted it before? Wigan?
It's so familiar. Almost word for word. A few months ago?
Lollyfalalalalalalalalaaahhhhh · 23/03/2022 19:12

Just move. You're creating drama in your own life that you don't need to put up with. I don't understand why you are making the choice to keep yourself miserable.

davidwebb · 23/03/2022 19:13

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Neverwrestlewithapig · 23/03/2022 19:14

Years ago, I was on some training led by an ex-offender. He said that his - controversial - view was that ‘you had the area that you deserved’. What he meant by that was that if you permitted the small things, then it would get worse. It was up to individuals to take notice and act. In his previous life, he took litter and dog mess in the streets etc as a sign to move in with his criminal activity as he knew that the locals didn’t care enough to report/complain. He said that those nosey neighbours who complain constantly on fb about dog mess, unknown vans and so on are so important for communities. As annoying as you may find them, they keep your area nice and -ultimately- safer. I could see his point and it’s made me appreciate those posts a little more!

THEDEACON · 23/03/2022 19:15

Don't be ashamed of your feelings but for any favour MOVE You work from home you rent you have savings no children and no dependent elders All of these circumstances are in your favour Life is too short to be miserable where you live!

AnnesBrokenSlate · 23/03/2022 19:16

You're focusing on the bad, making no attempt to integrate and think you're better than everyone else that lives there. But you can afford to move, so move.

I'm not saying you don't have anti-social neighbours and the area isn't deprived. But I doubt very much there is never any laughter Hmm

I lived in a similar area. I remember a friend of a friend moved there They moaned constantly ... about everything. Our mutual friend called me asking when the area had changed so much? Wasn't I afraid walking home? etc etc.

No, I wasn't because I knew the people on the street corner. Because I went to local clubs and groups. Because I went to church with the shouty people next door.

I've no idea what you think you're gaining from 'slumming' it in a 'shit pit'. You're not learning anything - there's no compassion. There's no understanding of the issues. There's no attempt to share you knowledge or good fortune or better education (and believe me some of those families with the dogs and the kids will be working their backsides off to get scholarships to better schools).

You're not volunteering. You're adding precisely zilch to a community that obviously needs so much. No, wait, you are adding something - judgement and stereotypes. But they have a tonne of those already.

Itstheprinciple · 23/03/2022 19:17

When we first moved in together, we bought a house in an inner city area as that was what we could afford. When we first bought there, it was a lovely working class area with people who had lived there for years and had a real sense of pride but as people moved on, or older people died etc, their houses got bought by buy to let landlords and there were tenants in most of the houses that would change every 6 months and no one took any pride any more because it wasn't their house and they knew they wouldn't be there long. We were lucky that we had nice, longstanding neighbours directly either side of us but I did judge when people were drinking cans of lager with their front doors wide open and music playing in the wee small hours and the crime rate increased of burglaries etc which it turned out to be very local people. This would never happened previously as the motto was always that you don't shit in your own back yard but these new people had no sense of it being their back yard. So yes, I judged then and we quickly moved out ready for our DD to start school. It was horrible to see how an area that had so much pride in itself previously, despite being a 'poor' area, could change so much.

Neverwrestlewithapig · 23/03/2022 19:19

Sorry, I hope that didn’t come across as preachy. I would find it hard to be the one that steps up too. I just mean that apathy leads to these awful places to live for everyone there but that’s a whole culture that needs to change to make things better. That’s difficult for a single person to do Flowers

venus7 · 23/03/2022 19:24

@davidwebb

It's called the welfare state..

it promotes degeneracy, fecklessness and laziness.

It's not; the welfare state is a safety net, it's kind and compassionate. There but for fortune.....
Waxonwaxoff0 · 23/03/2022 19:26

@davidwebb

It's called the welfare state..

it promotes degeneracy, fecklessness and laziness.

Haha. No it doesn't.
PollyPutTheKettleOnKettleOn · 23/03/2022 19:27

@davidwebb I've been saved by the safety net of the welfare state lately. I'm neither degenerate, feckless or lazy.

People espousing views like yours really do make this a country to be proud of.

UpintNorth · 23/03/2022 19:28

@Natfemale I love your comment and second them. I grew up in a similar place - majority of residents didn’t care, drugs, DA, teenage pregnancies, very high rates of adult unemployment. It’s not wrong to not fit in, but don’t waste your energy trying to work out those around you. Their life choices are what they are. If you have the means, move. If you don’t have the means yet, do everything in your power (it took me 5 years) to move. Then keep going until you find your place and your people.

seashellsunderthesand · 23/03/2022 19:30

@GlamorousHeifer

Have you posted about this before OP, I remember a thread about the exact same situation...
I was just thinking the same. I remember it being somewhere Northwest, either Liverpool area or possibly Warrington. Can't remember but I remember the thread being basically the same
UpintNorth · 23/03/2022 19:30

@AnnesBrokenSlate has the best advice of you want/need to stay put.

SilverGlassHare · 23/03/2022 19:40

@lecreusetpeppermill

near preston.

some food for thought here, will mull over.

im more upset with how ive come to view people than when we move out. It isn't forever but it shocks me how bloody angry ive become.

I’m originally from that near Preston (Blackburn/Accrington/Burnley) and while it was nice enough when I was young, it’s frankly a not very pleasant now - depressed and depressing. You’re never going to get anywhere decent for £300 pm though, so you just need to tough it out for a year if you can’t move now. Can you do a day -by-day count down, spend time on rightmove planning your escape, brighten up your home so at least that is a haven?
Rachaelrachael · 23/03/2022 19:40

In your situation I would be straight out of there, especially if I had savings!
I was in this situation in my 20s having relocated to a dump for a man. Eventually I had enough and gave up literally everything including my job to get out of there and moved back in with my parents to start over again. Best thing I ever did and I'm annoyed with myself for wasting those 2 years of my life in that hell hole. The drive out for the last time was the best feeling ever!

SugarDatesandPistachios · 23/03/2022 19:41

The Wigan Troll 😂

tkwal · 23/03/2022 19:41

You are living where you are by choice. I would imagine you're also wfh by choice. You know you'll move somewhere more pleasing to your personal aesthetics eventually. Meanwhile you are witnessing what is permanent state of existence for "WC" in that area. That guy who has alsatians? Probably working all the time to keep his head above water. The mums who let their kids play in the street? Probably the only place they can play and let off some energy , the car place ? Someone with gumption enough to start their own business in a place with cheap rent because it's a redevelopment area. At least you can see a time when you will move. Most of the "WC" you're looking down on will never be able to. No wonder some of them live in despair. The problem with skunk ? Mostly because some middle class urbanites think it's cool, socially acceptable and no worse than alcohol anyone found with it will be given a mere tap on the wrist in the form of a caution. So, I'm sorry you're experiencing these feelings but I'm afraid it has been a reality check for you. Those gritty documentaries ARE true but at least you have a way out. ( YES, I'm making some radical assumptions here, possibly the odd exaggeration and some sweeping generalisations but I'm not the one complaining about being unable to ride her bike because of dog poo. How deep is it exactly ? Can you not wash your wheels ? ) this is exactly how you sound to me

Spannwr1971 · 23/03/2022 19:43

What you waiting for? Batman?

Londoncallingtothefarawaytowns · 23/03/2022 19:43

I hate my city after lockdown
Full of junk, people spitting, junkies, no one takes any pride in it but complaining they want council to fix it , but its them thats wrecking it?
Maybe youre just sick of it.

Biminibon · 23/03/2022 19:47

…is it Chorley?