To be ashamed of these awful feelings?

[lecreusetpeppermill]

I do feel ashamed, and loathe what has become of my mind in this situation. It is to do with where I currently live. I'm sure many could hack it, but I simply can't, and I know that I need to change how I'm dealing with it.

Grew up quite privileged, went into a creative career, then self employment for past 17. Have a DP of 10 yrs, we are happy but not too fussed about marrying yet. No kids, and both of our parents are no longer with us.

Problem: About 5 yrs ago I moved town to be close to a relative who was unwell. As I wfh, this was no problem. I had previously lived in a village in Shropshire, then a larger village in Lancashire. I have also lived part time in Keswick on and off with partner.

This latest town is my problem, but due to a dip in income recently I may have to hang on a while to make the move (and DP could do with waiting a good year or two for work related reasons). We are renters by choice, so thankfully free to go, but this place is so awful it has made me ill and depressed for years now. The relative we were assisting passed away, so whilst nothing is keeping us, we don't want to risk moving at the moment.
I do have good savings but prefer not to decrease them.

But what I am so ashamed of is my thoughts and opinions. I never used to have them, and suspect they have grown this way due to feeling low and trapped.
The place has become run down, town centre almost derelict. A lot of drug and antisocial issues but not on our doorstep. We do have close neighbours with dogs trapped in gardens day and night who bark constantly, nobody is bothered, and trash piles up all around.
All I can hear, day and night is screeching, loud bike and car exhausts. The atmosphere is very male, aggressive, a lot of drink related issues and mental health stuff here.
Someone planted a warehouse 20 feet from the front door, so excessive impact noise from 7am-6pm every day. A car garage opened a few doors away and people go in and out, speeding, revving engines and so on.
It isnt the kind of place one keeps a window open.

We sold our vehicle when we moved here as we are central, and prefer not to invest in another just yet, but there is literally nowhere to go, no safe or nice walks, it is just one concrete street after another, hemmed in by busy roads. We have bikes which we love but the decent paths are filling up with dog crap and more asbo stuff.

But worst of all is how i have come to judge the people. I know that my better self doesn't think these things, and never did before, but they are so unfamiliar to me and perhaps this is the issue? People shout, scream, slam, allow dereliction to pile up. The streets stink of skunk and the pavements are full of spit.
I have come to loathe them with such a passion, yet they do me no direct harm.
I have begin to loathe them for being working class, and this is fucking dreadful. Every sound is aggressive, people thrown cans, wrappers down with no shame. There are never nice sounds, like birds, laughter, fun, music, just shouting, neglected dogs, occasional police sirens.

I've come to judge them for not caring about education, about keeping stuff nice, about them being such a huge majority - and that's the issue isn't it? I suppose we are outsiders. It's like they shit on everything good.
And I know it should not be about class, I never even thought about bloody class prior to coming here. I know people are NOT all the same, but sadly they are here.
I know we will move back to Shropshire eventually, and I need to calm the hell down, but right now it is really taking it's toll on me.

The guy at the back of us keeps 2 handsome german shepherds trapped in a 6x6 yard, they have never been walked in their lives. They are so nervous and stressed out that they just bark savagely all day and night. He only comes home for a few hours and is back off again. He allows them to shit in shared areas and has been reported to council but still does it again.
My life is just watching other people's neglect, listening to pallets smashing as i wfh all day, the stench of revving cars comes in through the hallway.

How do you cope with this and not loathe the fuckers?
I can't understand what kind of life that is, to just throw money on fuel and scream around small terraced streets. To keep aggressive animals and ignore them. And everyone is apathetic, they don't care, and when we offered to get together to report the spilled rubbish we were looked at as if we had three heads.

It is very difficult to do the Eckart Tolle calming shite in this kind of environment
I stopped doing yoga, i used to meditate, I never judged people and now the disgust and anger is consuming me. How to stop this?

I am ashamed of this, I don't like it, and wish I could do something to change how it affects me. I am happy with everything else in my life, we are healthy and love our careers, but having got stuck in this shit pit has shaved a lot of that from us.

Can you become a councillor? Help change things for the better?

At very least do some litter picking or whatever? It might make you feel like you can make a difference

Just reading your OP made me feel very stressed.

I would just move without a backward glance. I'm from a WC background (but nothing like the awful people you describe). Noisy people, cars and dogs would make me feel very unhappy.

Just get the hell out of dodge and don't look back. Who cares what it costs.

I grew up working-class and married a working class man but I would hate this too. This isn't the working-class lifestyle I knew as a kid nor have now. What this is is hopelessness and it is caused by a myriad of different factors, none of which are your fault and none of which you can fix. I'd strongly advise you to get out a.s.a.p. as this isn't doing you any good but stop beating yourself up. It's sounds dismal and depressing and I am sorry for you but please, just get out!

@dipdye

I thought I had put this in my OP, but our current rent here is £300pcm - very, very unusual for local market rent. In terms of finances, the incentive

^^

Earlier you said 600/700£ pcm?? You pay half price? Not surprised they're pissed off

sorry, the market rent here is over £600, our current house is £300 due to knowing landlady.

If the rents aren’t that low where you are then why isn’t it an option to move elsewhere?

I would just move now in your shoes. I live in a supposedly idyllic area but my neighbours are horrible and it makes me feel bad about living here at all.

Life is short. It isn't really worth putting up with awful circumstances if you have the ability to change them. Most of those people don't have that ability to change their circumstances which is probably why many of them have given up.

Move house. That's the only way to get rid of the deadbeats. They,'ll never change.

Ooh heck OP, you're in Chav City where shit breeds shit.

I lived in a similar environment for a few years, and used to get on the Woolwich Ferry to escape it and just get a sense of space around me now and then. Even if it was freezing cold, I'd spend a Sunday just travelling back and forth across the River Thames rather than go "home".

Coping with your own emotions about it is a bit like coming to terms with the existence of evil (and shitty neighbourhoods) in the world. Our own nature is not pure and clean and one-dimensional, nor should it be. You should not seek to deny or suppress your natural instincts, which in a less orderly environment might serve you well for survival.

Fuck them, seriously, and fuck doing some kind of community service (as some PPs have suggested) to improve it all and assuage your guilt at having had a more privileged life. It's not your fault you're not a complete fuckwit arsehole. As Jesus said (allegedly), "The poor will always be poor," and I don't think he was referring to finances/class.

Accept that you are not a pure angel, nor should you be, and find your own "Woolwich Ferry" experience (Forest of Bowland / Pendle Hill?) to keep you sane until you can get the fuck out of there.

Good luck!

Cross post

near preston.

some food for thought here, will mull over.

im more upset with how ive come to view people than when we move out. It isn't forever but it shocks me how bloody angry ive become.

I'm sure there was a thread just like this several months ago, but less carefully caveated, so the OP got piled on for being classist etc.. anyone remember? The town did get mentioned, i think...

This does sound very familiar, there was another thread not that long ago about someone in a similar position....

Said this before. It's not "working class" to live in shit conditions. The people you describe are underclass.

I live in a working class area. The houses are mainly well kept and tidy and people live decent crime free lives.

Why don't you move? And take the German Shepherds with you!

YANBU to hate your surroundings as they don’t sound good but YABU to think of it as ‘working class’. I’m from a working class background - my parents still live in the town I grew up in and this is not how I’d describe it..

Stop worrying about your inner thoughts and throw your energy into moving! You rent so moving is so easy and you have no ties to your current location so you are free to move anywhere. However this situation is all self inflicted but within your control to change, you come across as a martyr too busy focussing on your sad neighbours instead of making a plan to live and enjoy life!!

If it is Wigan there are lots of little towns dotted around to change to, some of them are really nice. I know of one that has 3 nature reserves nearby.

@lecreusetpeppermill I’ve messaged you.

@Ionlydomassiveones

All I can say is that I’m firmly working class and I feel like that about where I live. I’m surrounded by people who tarmac over their gardens, let their kids kick balls at cars and put bagged up dog shit in hedges. It’s fucking depressing. Please don’t become a hardened snob though. Not all of us poor people are uncultured criminal dicks.

I live in a very affluent area and people here also tarmac over their gardens and put dog shit in hedges and let their dogs shit over the paths on the school run.

As for the area you live OP, I suspect people have become apathetic because of a sense of hopelessness that things can change. The battle they would have to fight is overwhelming and they don't have the resources to do it.

@hennaoj

If it is Wigan there are lots of little towns dotted around to change to, some of them are really nice. I know of one that has 3 nature reserves nearby.

im near Preston, Lancs. I used to go to wigan pier nightclub in my teens!

I used to live in a place like this. I hated it. There was always a reason i couldnt move & i felt so trapped. Eventually something happened (I got unceremoniously dumped) and I moved to another town just 8 miles away. It was the best thing that ever happened to me. Looking back, the obstacles to moving were so much smaller than I thought (ironically if I'd moved earlier if might've saved my relationship) & the change I needed to make was smaller than I thought. If I could give my 20 something self one bit of advice, it would be that there is always a choice. I wasted about 6 years of my twenties on that place. I was happy before and I've been happy since - the place stole my happiness and I should have moved heaven and earth not to stay in that situation.

There's lots of nice villages and towns in Lancashire, can't you move, your partner could commute? If you found somewhere nice you might not need to move again. I realise your rent is v low but you're almost getting what you pay for.

@lecreusetpeppermill

I thought I had put this in my OP, but our current rent here is £300pcm - very, very unusual for local market rent. In terms of finances, the incentive to conserve over next 12 months is vital to us. My income dropped, so regardless of savings it isn't a good time to move in a rush. It is something we plan to do next year, hopefully.

Any tips on how to stick it out a bit longer would be great.

Well, if you're determined not to move early to conserve ' savings' and 'income' at the cost of your mental health, you're just going to have to suck it up buttercup. Might make you feel a bit better to consider that you have a finite time to live where you are so unhappy, rather than being stuck in that situation forever like many other poor sods.

Being 'working class' or poor doesn't mean you have to behave that way. It doesn't mean you have to let your kids ruin riot, or leave dog shit in communal areas, mis-treat animals, make noise non-stop, behave with contempt or disregard for others.. These are choices that have nothing to do with how much money is in your pocket, your background or job (or lack of job). They are not choices I'd make. What you are describing is not working class it's anti-social behaviour. Anyone of any class, age, or of walk of life can choose to behave that way. I've seen it across the spectrum, including the upper echelons of class - they may do it a more civilized way, but they do it all the same.

I spent years living in places just like you describe, surrounded by disgusting behavior, depravity, filth and stenches. I remember one family in particular 4 doors down, on benefits, their lawn littered with beer cans. On a sunny day they would sit there in deck chairs drinking until they were so drunk they could not move playing music so loud it made my windows vibrate. I rented my house, the council paid for their. I worked, they did not. They used to shout abuse and cackle at me. Then there was the house behind me, the children did not appear to ever be at school, instead they spent their days screaming and swearing in the garden kicking a ball against my fence (yes they broke it more than once). The mother was home all day (also liked beer) and occasionally would scream expletives at them. Once she'd got them to bed, the smell of weed from her smoking every night was unbearable.

It made my soul black. I got out the second I could, and I am not ashamed of wanting to leave nor am I ashamed of rejecting that kind of behaviour. If everyone did perhaps it would not be as widespread as it is in the UK. Having also livedin several countries in Europe I can say the view is very different.

It would have made all the difference if you'd specified at the start of the thread that it was your choice to live very cheaply. You get what you pay for! Obviously it's only £300pcm for a reason!

Advice: Buy a pair of noise cancelling headphones for under £30 and play nice music.

My parents live in a similar area and I hate going there. There asbo ndn moved out recently and my mother burst out crying from happiness but also anxious that she will get another one like this. I walk past small terraced homes and there are lovely homes where in the summer with their front windows swung open, I can smell nice smells and see well looked after homes from the corner of my eyes or going out in my mums garden I can smell the other neighbours nicely washed and hanged clothes drying just this past weekend.

Before, my parents weren't even able to enjoy their garden from these asbo neighbours with their asbo behaviour and rotting dog faeces and piles of rubbish attracting all sorts of fleas and flys. The area is dog rough. This isn't about class because my parents are working class and never brought us up like this or never behaved like this. Equally, there are many other working class struggling families up my parents street who don't behave like this. There are hopeless, deadbeat people living in communities that destroy everything and ruin everything for everyone. I don't know how to describe them but I often feel like they would even ruin Buckingham palace if they lived there so I don't believe it's about poverty either. These are people who have never made effort in their life hence why they don't know how to take care of things. Working class have made effort and have worked.very hard hence why they take pride with their homes and everything they have achieve.