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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be ashamed of these awful feelings?

223 replies

lecreusetpeppermill · 23/03/2022 16:29

I do feel ashamed, and loathe what has become of my mind in this situation. It is to do with where I currently live. I'm sure many could hack it, but I simply can't, and I know that I need to change how I'm dealing with it.

Grew up quite privileged, went into a creative career, then self employment for past 17. Have a DP of 10 yrs, we are happy but not too fussed about marrying yet. No kids, and both of our parents are no longer with us.

Problem: About 5 yrs ago I moved town to be close to a relative who was unwell. As I wfh, this was no problem. I had previously lived in a village in Shropshire, then a larger village in Lancashire. I have also lived part time in Keswick on and off with partner.

This latest town is my problem, but due to a dip in income recently I may have to hang on a while to make the move (and DP could do with waiting a good year or two for work related reasons). We are renters by choice, so thankfully free to go, but this place is so awful it has made me ill and depressed for years now. The relative we were assisting passed away, so whilst nothing is keeping us, we don't want to risk moving at the moment.
I do have good savings but prefer not to decrease them.

But what I am so ashamed of is my thoughts and opinions. I never used to have them, and suspect they have grown this way due to feeling low and trapped.
The place has become run down, town centre almost derelict. A lot of drug and antisocial issues but not on our doorstep. We do have close neighbours with dogs trapped in gardens day and night who bark constantly, nobody is bothered, and trash piles up all around.
All I can hear, day and night is screeching, loud bike and car exhausts. The atmosphere is very male, aggressive, a lot of drink related issues and mental health stuff here.
Someone planted a warehouse 20 feet from the front door, so excessive impact noise from 7am-6pm every day. A car garage opened a few doors away and people go in and out, speeding, revving engines and so on.
It isnt the kind of place one keeps a window open.

We sold our vehicle when we moved here as we are central, and prefer not to invest in another just yet, but there is literally nowhere to go, no safe or nice walks, it is just one concrete street after another, hemmed in by busy roads. We have bikes which we love but the decent paths are filling up with dog crap and more asbo stuff.

But worst of all is how i have come to judge the people. I know that my better self doesn't think these things, and never did before, but they are so unfamiliar to me and perhaps this is the issue? People shout, scream, slam, allow dereliction to pile up. The streets stink of skunk and the pavements are full of spit.
I have come to loathe them with such a passion, yet they do me no direct harm.
I have begin to loathe them for being working class, and this is fucking dreadful. Every sound is aggressive, people thrown cans, wrappers down with no shame. There are never nice sounds, like birds, laughter, fun, music, just shouting, neglected dogs, occasional police sirens.

I've come to judge them for not caring about education, about keeping stuff nice, about them being such a huge majority - and that's the issue isn't it? I suppose we are outsiders. It's like they shit on everything good.
And I know it should not be about class, I never even thought about bloody class prior to coming here. I know people are NOT all the same, but sadly they are here.
I know we will move back to Shropshire eventually, and I need to calm the hell down, but right now it is really taking it's toll on me.

The guy at the back of us keeps 2 handsome german shepherds trapped in a 6x6 yard, they have never been walked in their lives. They are so nervous and stressed out that they just bark savagely all day and night. He only comes home for a few hours and is back off again. He allows them to shit in shared areas and has been reported to council but still does it again.
My life is just watching other people's neglect, listening to pallets smashing as i wfh all day, the stench of revving cars comes in through the hallway.

How do you cope with this and not loathe the fuckers?
I can't understand what kind of life that is, to just throw money on fuel and scream around small terraced streets. To keep aggressive animals and ignore them. And everyone is apathetic, they don't care, and when we offered to get together to report the spilled rubbish we were looked at as if we had three heads.

It is very difficult to do the Eckart Tolle calming shite in this kind of environment Grin
I stopped doing yoga, i used to meditate, I never judged people and now the disgust and anger is consuming me. How to stop this?

I am ashamed of this, I don't like it, and wish I could do something to change how it affects me. I am happy with everything else in my life, we are healthy and love our careers, but having got stuck in this shit pit has shaved a lot of that from us.

OP posts:
ExtraOnion · 23/03/2022 16:52

..and I live in Lancashire, it’s a massive county. With most towns, you can be out in the countryside after a 10 minute drive, stop being lazy and change the circumstances you are in.. you can afford it

Itwasntmeright · 23/03/2022 16:52

I don’t think anybody wants to slap you, what we are pointing out is what you are witnessing now is reality as a lot of us recognise it, and the reason you haven’t recognised it before is because you’ve never been exposed to it. It’s easy to be charitable with your opinions when it’s something you don’t have to encounter every day. People generally do hold their opinions for a good reason, and it’s not uncharitable to describe being an antisocial chav as being an antisocial chav. To be honest I find it rather patronising when people who have never had to live in the midst of it downplay it and suggest we’re being cruel. We know the causes, we live with it and we see it every day, but to suggest it’s anything other than what it is is being wilfully ignorant.

lecreusetpeppermill · 23/03/2022 16:55

I'm not sure it's 'lazy' to consider my income when it has almost halved during the pandemic.

What an odd word to describe it.
Reticence, caution about finances, maybe.

OP posts:
Winday · 23/03/2022 16:57

I really don't think this sort of thing is standard for working class people. I come from a mining village, my family were working class growing up. They, and our/their neighbours have aways taken pride in keeping their home and surroundings clean. Doorsteps washed, gardens kept tidy. Children brought up to be polite.

I understand the sort of area you are speaking of, and I couldn't cope with living in a place like it either. It's a different culture, almost. If you are feeling this way after a few years of it, imagine how downtrodden and apathetic you'd be after a lifetime. It's a vicious cycle. But I don't blame you for feeling the way you do.

godmum56 · 23/03/2022 17:00

@Itwasntmeright

I don’t think anybody wants to slap you, what we are pointing out is what you are witnessing now is reality as a lot of us recognise it, and the reason you haven’t recognised it before is because you’ve never been exposed to it. It’s easy to be charitable with your opinions when it’s something you don’t have to encounter every day. People generally do hold their opinions for a good reason, and it’s not uncharitable to describe being an antisocial chav as being an antisocial chav. To be honest I find it rather patronising when people who have never had to live in the midst of it downplay it and suggest we’re being cruel. We know the causes, we live with it and we see it every day, but to suggest it’s anything other than what it is is being wilfully ignorant.
this^^ I judge people who abuse animals, who spit in the street, who vandalise and If I don't have to live near them i won't.
Waxonwaxoff0 · 23/03/2022 17:02

Can we PLEASE stop describing anti social behaviour as "working class", absolutely grinds my gears as a working class woman, I don't bloody throw litter and spit in the street.

lecreusetpeppermill · 23/03/2022 17:04

I thought I had put this in my OP, but our current rent here is £300pcm - very, very unusual for local market rent.
In terms of finances, the incentive to conserve over next 12 months is vital to us. My income dropped, so regardless of savings it isn't a good time to move in a rush. It is something we plan to do next year, hopefully.

Any tips on how to stick it out a bit longer would be great.

OP posts:
lecreusetpeppermill · 23/03/2022 17:05

@Waxonwaxoff0

Can we PLEASE stop describing anti social behaviour as "working class", absolutely grinds my gears as a working class woman, I don't bloody throw litter and spit in the street.
I know and believe this, it's done a number on my head :(
OP posts:
rumred · 23/03/2022 17:05

After staying far too long in an area that used to be decent but went down hill rapidly I'd strongly recommend moving. I became depressed, angry, resentful and anxious. It's no way to live. I moved to the other side of the city and its lovely, imperfect but lovely. And I'm much more balanced.

Get out and enjoy life again.

Itwasntmeright · 23/03/2022 17:06

Smoke some fags and play some pool, pretend you never went to school… Dance and drink and screw, because there’s nothing else to do.

CheshireCats · 23/03/2022 17:07

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JulieBeds · 23/03/2022 17:08

Why wouldn't you just move to somewhere nicer? I don't see the need to keep sticking it out.

dipdye · 23/03/2022 17:09

I thought I had put this in my OP, but our current rent here is £300pcm - very, very unusual for local market rent.
In terms of finances, the incentive

^^

Earlier you said 600/700£ pcm?? You pay half price? Not surprised they're pissed off

PeekabooAtTheZoo · 23/03/2022 17:09

I swear I read this exact post last year some time, same flowery turns of phrase, same self pity and everything. If you're the same OP, that thread didn't go well, what do you think has changed since then?

Benjispruce5 · 23/03/2022 17:10

I think you need to move regardless of whether it’s not a good time. It’s clearly making you ill.

bossybloss · 23/03/2022 17:10

There is working class ie people who actually work ..and there is a different class of people who don’t work and don’t respect anything or anyone unless it is to their advantage.

Sadly .

BanjoKnickers · 23/03/2022 17:11

Judging people is greatly underrated. I do it all the time, including to entire towns and demographics! What's wrong with judging people according to how they behave? Never occurred to me that it was wrong Grin

Ionlydomassiveones · 23/03/2022 17:11

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

bossybloss · 23/03/2022 17:11

@Itwasntmeright

Smoke some fags and play some pool, pretend you never went to school… Dance and drink and screw, because there’s nothing else to do.
😆
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 23/03/2022 17:13

Just move. Downsize or rent if you have to. Get out of there.

Hawkins001 · 23/03/2022 17:14

It's a mix with different areas, I understand your perspectives and frustrations op.

callingon · 23/03/2022 17:15

I think if it’s got to the point where you hate everyone around you there is no ‘sticking it out’ in a belt and braces kind of way. Keeping your savings intact isn’t worth your overall well-being.

GlamorousHeifer · 23/03/2022 17:15

Have you posted about this before OP, I remember a thread about the exact same situation...

PermanentTemporary · 23/03/2022 17:15

Noise cancelling headphones? Long visits to family who live in nicer places? Houseplants? Make your own place as simple and nice to be in as you can? Nights away in basic campsites? If you have a small 2 person tent it's very cheap - try to borrow one.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 23/03/2022 17:15

Sounds like it's not the right place for you! But you are responsible for moving yourself on from there rather than stating and simmering with resentment.

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