To be ashamed of these awful feelings?

[lecreusetpeppermill]

I do feel ashamed, and loathe what has become of my mind in this situation. It is to do with where I currently live. I'm sure many could hack it, but I simply can't, and I know that I need to change how I'm dealing with it.

Grew up quite privileged, went into a creative career, then self employment for past 17. Have a DP of 10 yrs, we are happy but not too fussed about marrying yet. No kids, and both of our parents are no longer with us.

Problem: About 5 yrs ago I moved town to be close to a relative who was unwell. As I wfh, this was no problem. I had previously lived in a village in Shropshire, then a larger village in Lancashire. I have also lived part time in Keswick on and off with partner.

This latest town is my problem, but due to a dip in income recently I may have to hang on a while to make the move (and DP could do with waiting a good year or two for work related reasons). We are renters by choice, so thankfully free to go, but this place is so awful it has made me ill and depressed for years now. The relative we were assisting passed away, so whilst nothing is keeping us, we don't want to risk moving at the moment.
I do have good savings but prefer not to decrease them.

But what I am so ashamed of is my thoughts and opinions. I never used to have them, and suspect they have grown this way due to feeling low and trapped.
The place has become run down, town centre almost derelict. A lot of drug and antisocial issues but not on our doorstep. We do have close neighbours with dogs trapped in gardens day and night who bark constantly, nobody is bothered, and trash piles up all around.
All I can hear, day and night is screeching, loud bike and car exhausts. The atmosphere is very male, aggressive, a lot of drink related issues and mental health stuff here.
Someone planted a warehouse 20 feet from the front door, so excessive impact noise from 7am-6pm every day. A car garage opened a few doors away and people go in and out, speeding, revving engines and so on.
It isnt the kind of place one keeps a window open.

We sold our vehicle when we moved here as we are central, and prefer not to invest in another just yet, but there is literally nowhere to go, no safe or nice walks, it is just one concrete street after another, hemmed in by busy roads. We have bikes which we love but the decent paths are filling up with dog crap and more asbo stuff.

But worst of all is how i have come to judge the people. I know that my better self doesn't think these things, and never did before, but they are so unfamiliar to me and perhaps this is the issue? People shout, scream, slam, allow dereliction to pile up. The streets stink of skunk and the pavements are full of spit.
I have come to loathe them with such a passion, yet they do me no direct harm.
I have begin to loathe them for being working class, and this is fucking dreadful. Every sound is aggressive, people thrown cans, wrappers down with no shame. There are never nice sounds, like birds, laughter, fun, music, just shouting, neglected dogs, occasional police sirens.

I've come to judge them for not caring about education, about keeping stuff nice, about them being such a huge majority - and that's the issue isn't it? I suppose we are outsiders. It's like they shit on everything good.
And I know it should not be about class, I never even thought about bloody class prior to coming here. I know people are NOT all the same, but sadly they are here.
I know we will move back to Shropshire eventually, and I need to calm the hell down, but right now it is really taking it's toll on me.

The guy at the back of us keeps 2 handsome german shepherds trapped in a 6x6 yard, they have never been walked in their lives. They are so nervous and stressed out that they just bark savagely all day and night. He only comes home for a few hours and is back off again. He allows them to shit in shared areas and has been reported to council but still does it again.
My life is just watching other people's neglect, listening to pallets smashing as i wfh all day, the stench of revving cars comes in through the hallway.

How do you cope with this and not loathe the fuckers?
I can't understand what kind of life that is, to just throw money on fuel and scream around small terraced streets. To keep aggressive animals and ignore them. And everyone is apathetic, they don't care, and when we offered to get together to report the spilled rubbish we were looked at as if we had three heads.

It is very difficult to do the Eckart Tolle calming shite in this kind of environment
I stopped doing yoga, i used to meditate, I never judged people and now the disgust and anger is consuming me. How to stop this?

I am ashamed of this, I don't like it, and wish I could do something to change how it affects me. I am happy with everything else in my life, we are healthy and love our careers, but having got stuck in this shit pit has shaved a lot of that from us.

@lecreusetpeppermill

Thank you. Still, I have said i am shamed of those thoughts, am ashmed of hating them, i dont' like it.

I know it's situational, but I have lived in different places, more diverse places, and there are definitely 'types'.

It feels virtuous to slap someone who says these things, i know.

You can't help how you feel; you don't want to feel that way, which is commendable, but the feeling remains.

In your position I would get out as soon as I could even if it meant stretching the finances. I'd be scared to live somewhere like that now and it would make me depressed; I'd end up not wanting to leave the house.

Work out a way to move and, if you can, buy a flat somewhere, even a small one, so you have an investment. Things will pick up.

Please don't feel guilty, plenty of 'working class' people wouldn't want to live where you do so don't worry about being snobbish, you are not. Your feelings are valid.

Good luck!

You've developed a pretty bad perception problem here - you're assuming all your neighbours are antisocial arseholes rather than a small proportion of them (who you notice because they are the ones making the noise/leaving their litter and dog poo), and you seem to have reached the conclusion that it's because they're working class.

If you don't like your community you should consider either moving or doing something about it. I pick up litter I see when I'm walking near my home (in a mostly middle class area, yes shockingly middle class people drop stuff too!). Some councils will take action on dog poo, you could find out about that where you live. Some of the noise (cars revving, pallets smashing) is related to the businesses operating near you - the council may be able to take some action there too, if you ask them to. Most of your neighbours are probably nice normal people who dislike the same stuff you like. Maybe some of them have less energy than you to do anything about it and would be grateful if you got in touch with a local councillor to see if anything can be done.

@dipdye How would any of her neighbours know what she is paying in rent?

Lancashire is lovely. You just obvious live in a shit bit, which is reflected in your rent. But you could find somewhere local that is way better than where you are to get you through till you can move back to Shropshire.

Which town are you in? DM me if you like. I know the county very very well and could point you to a better part within reach if your partners work.

Op. You choose to stay there. And you’re doing so as it’s cheap. You are saying you have options, but due to cheap rent, and 300 a month I’m assuming it’s that low for a reason, it’s always going to be bad. Very bad. And it is. But you’ve made the decision to stay.

This is a choice, so I don’t see the reason to look down on others etc. if you had no options I’d understand but you’re saying you could afford to move but don’t wish to.

@PeekabooAtTheZoo

I swear I read this exact post last year some time, same flowery turns of phrase, same self pity and everything. If you're the same OP, that thread didn't go well, what do you think has changed since then?

Same here: remember it clearly.

Cripes so self indulgent! So according g to your theory working class people naturally treat animas badly??? And judging someone treating animals badly is judging them for their income status??

This post is very familiar - have you posted it before? Wigan?

You’re wasting a lot of emotional energy on things you can’t change. You might not like the way people around you live but you can’t change every individual.
I’ve always lived rurally, I can’t imagine I’d ever hack living in a town or city. I’m not wealthy, my house is tiny but clean air, trees, fields and a river nearby don’t cost any more than if I lived in a small house in a city. My neighbours aren’t the friendliest, I have a very different ( Manc) accent so don’t fit in with them. Who cares?

Move. You’re not going to be happy where you are. Give your landlord notice and start searching for a new way of life.

I remember the Wigan thread but Wigan’s in Greater Manchester 😉

Just move if it's getting you so down. There's working class then there's the Underclass , which is what you describe. I grew up in posh rural villages but now live in a v similar dodgy area. I don't hate the people tho. I feel kind of sorry how grim their life is. Maybe because 25 yes back I did teacher practice in a really grim part of Derby & the children were so lovely & so appreciative. I'm retraining so I won't be here forever & my flat is lovely, with quiet neighbours. I did clean up the halls & driveway & they've stayed nice, though I got confused looks. :-).

@Itwasntmeright

Only got about halfway through that, but what you are realising is that the world is different to what you thought it was. What you are experiencing is the privilege bubble popping, and all your lofty ideals, that you had because you were privileged enough never to find out life was any different, suddenly don’t match up to reality. What you describe isn’t news to those of us who have always lived with the deprivation and trapped feeling that comes with living in a shitty backwater working-class town.

I am sorry I totally disagree with you. We grew up extremely poor . But we never were disrespecting to neighbours. We never mistreated animals . We looked after our property and kept it clean and tidy .

And we had a lot less than what is expected of material items now .

How dare you say it’s “ lofty ideas” to want to live a generally good life?

I've read this thread before too. If it's the same OP, why do you keep posting about it? Just move fgs

You sound depressed. I cannot see that it can possibly be worth it sticking it out at risk of a serious mental health problem.

If you get a car again, could you move to the surrounding area and your DH commute back in?

Are you the poster who posted before about living in Wigan, and lots of posters agreed with you that yes, it is a depressing shit hole to live in?

OP some places are just depressing shit holes full of wankers. Not everybody will be a wanker, but some places have a higher proportion of wankers than others. You can move, you’re just choosing not to, and instead you’re moping in this self absorbed lefty middle-class guilt nonsense. You only get one life, if you don’t like it, move.

And yes, working class and anti-social behaviour should not be amalgamated.

I too thought of the Wigan thread.

You've no ties though, so moving somewhere you like should be an absolute cinch!

I don’t think anybody is suggesting working-class equals antisocial chav. I’m as working class as they come, and I was fucking delighted when I moved away from the shitty ghetto estate I used to live on. I have a lovely home, I respect my neighbours and love animals, I help out in my local community, and I’m still working class.

If you'd really rather wait it out a year just spend the 12 months researching your next move. A year passes in a flash.

I am in a similar situation, stuck in a town I don’t like but because I actually don’t have the option of moving at the moment, but I’m firmly WC as well. But there’s scumbags of all classes. I don’t feel like I’m part of the community deep down even though I am the same “class”.

What’s helped me is making the part I am in control of beautiful. Even though it’s a run down rented house it really brings me joy to surround myself by beautiful things, make my house lovely, clean tidy and well kept, with pretty decorations.

Also there have been studies that merely looking at pictures of nature can have a beneficial effect on mental well-being. I put up pictures that many would find twee, “chocolate box” style pictures of English country and village scenes. I do jigsaw puzzles with pretty natures scenes. Even my work computer Lock Screen and Alexa screen is nature images i read illustrated nature books. I honestly find this calms me and makes me happier.

Once a week we take a nature walk, at weekend. There will be somewhere within public transport distance. Even if you can only do it once a month, it might do a wealth of good for your mental well-being.

In regards to the people, have you ever tried to find out if there is anywhere you could volunteer? Like a food bank, community littering project, a community allotment group, the library? Maybe getting to know people through these sorts of things will remind you that there ARE good people in all walks of life, and even those that seem like indifferent, awful people are like that because of very difficult situations.

If you really can't go out, and are unwilling to move, can you stay in? Do your own mini-lockdown at home on the day to day to ignore your external surroundings, interspersed with trips abroad or to see friends in other parts of the UK? If you keep yourself so well occupied indoors, then you can try and ignore the outdoors where you are.

There were some things I really enjoyed in the lockdowns, which I am trying to keep up:

• home exercise videos free on youtube (i like a lady called coach kel who does barre fitness, you don't need any equipment, can use water bottles or tins for hand weights)
• do yoga every day! it's free!
• baking sourdough (quite a meditative process)
• getting restaurant kits to make at home every so often and feel like you've gone to a swish restaurant
• watching my way through classic films on the BFI player or free on youtube
• taking up a craft like needlepoint or sketching
• did you ever learn an instrument when you were younger? Now's the time to practice!
• buy the book "drinking french" by david liebovitz and make some lovely cocktails

If you can get your car back, that would help get you to some areas of nature without having to deal with your immediate surroundings.

How would any of her neighbours know what she is paying in rent?

^^

Maybe she told them??

Sympathies, OP. It would make me very sad to live like that too.

One idea that could potentially help: there are agencies/sites for housesitters, taking care of other people's homes and pets when they go on holiday. Some people spend most of their time hopping between different people's homes I've read. Since you don't have to be there, even if your partner must, might it give you some respite if you could be somewhere else for a week or two once in a while?

Good luck! Currently looking at moving and no noise is a top priority wherever we go...

I’d hate it too, I really dislike noise and traffic and bustle, whoever is making it.

I’d put your savings into buying a campervan and escaping every chance you get. With a campervan you can go and park up in country parks (or anywhere really) and work, or go to nice restaurants elsewhere (most will let you stay in the car park) and there are loads of other places to stay for little or nothing. You can sell it when you move (they are holding value really well atm), and you can rent them out too. Savings are losing money at the moment, so you might as well.