To be ashamed of these awful feelings?

[lecreusetpeppermill]

I do feel ashamed, and loathe what has become of my mind in this situation. It is to do with where I currently live. I'm sure many could hack it, but I simply can't, and I know that I need to change how I'm dealing with it.

Grew up quite privileged, went into a creative career, then self employment for past 17. Have a DP of 10 yrs, we are happy but not too fussed about marrying yet. No kids, and both of our parents are no longer with us.

Problem: About 5 yrs ago I moved town to be close to a relative who was unwell. As I wfh, this was no problem. I had previously lived in a village in Shropshire, then a larger village in Lancashire. I have also lived part time in Keswick on and off with partner.

This latest town is my problem, but due to a dip in income recently I may have to hang on a while to make the move (and DP could do with waiting a good year or two for work related reasons). We are renters by choice, so thankfully free to go, but this place is so awful it has made me ill and depressed for years now. The relative we were assisting passed away, so whilst nothing is keeping us, we don't want to risk moving at the moment.
I do have good savings but prefer not to decrease them.

But what I am so ashamed of is my thoughts and opinions. I never used to have them, and suspect they have grown this way due to feeling low and trapped.
The place has become run down, town centre almost derelict. A lot of drug and antisocial issues but not on our doorstep. We do have close neighbours with dogs trapped in gardens day and night who bark constantly, nobody is bothered, and trash piles up all around.
All I can hear, day and night is screeching, loud bike and car exhausts. The atmosphere is very male, aggressive, a lot of drink related issues and mental health stuff here.
Someone planted a warehouse 20 feet from the front door, so excessive impact noise from 7am-6pm every day. A car garage opened a few doors away and people go in and out, speeding, revving engines and so on.
It isnt the kind of place one keeps a window open.

We sold our vehicle when we moved here as we are central, and prefer not to invest in another just yet, but there is literally nowhere to go, no safe or nice walks, it is just one concrete street after another, hemmed in by busy roads. We have bikes which we love but the decent paths are filling up with dog crap and more asbo stuff.

But worst of all is how i have come to judge the people. I know that my better self doesn't think these things, and never did before, but they are so unfamiliar to me and perhaps this is the issue? People shout, scream, slam, allow dereliction to pile up. The streets stink of skunk and the pavements are full of spit.
I have come to loathe them with such a passion, yet they do me no direct harm.
I have begin to loathe them for being working class, and this is fucking dreadful. Every sound is aggressive, people thrown cans, wrappers down with no shame. There are never nice sounds, like birds, laughter, fun, music, just shouting, neglected dogs, occasional police sirens.

I've come to judge them for not caring about education, about keeping stuff nice, about them being such a huge majority - and that's the issue isn't it? I suppose we are outsiders. It's like they shit on everything good.
And I know it should not be about class, I never even thought about bloody class prior to coming here. I know people are NOT all the same, but sadly they are here.
I know we will move back to Shropshire eventually, and I need to calm the hell down, but right now it is really taking it's toll on me.

The guy at the back of us keeps 2 handsome german shepherds trapped in a 6x6 yard, they have never been walked in their lives. They are so nervous and stressed out that they just bark savagely all day and night. He only comes home for a few hours and is back off again. He allows them to shit in shared areas and has been reported to council but still does it again.
My life is just watching other people's neglect, listening to pallets smashing as i wfh all day, the stench of revving cars comes in through the hallway.

How do you cope with this and not loathe the fuckers?
I can't understand what kind of life that is, to just throw money on fuel and scream around small terraced streets. To keep aggressive animals and ignore them. And everyone is apathetic, they don't care, and when we offered to get together to report the spilled rubbish we were looked at as if we had three heads.

It is very difficult to do the Eckart Tolle calming shite in this kind of environment
I stopped doing yoga, i used to meditate, I never judged people and now the disgust and anger is consuming me. How to stop this?

I am ashamed of this, I don't like it, and wish I could do something to change how it affects me. I am happy with everything else in my life, we are healthy and love our careers, but having got stuck in this shit pit has shaved a lot of that from us.

Appreciate replies, insulting or not!

I am surprised so many saying move immediately. I expected to be told to pull my socks up and chill out. I know I have some savings but not a huge amount, and I would only want to spend them on rent if i was in an urgent situation.
Many would call this urgent, but if we hang on a while longer we would be a lot better placed financially. We've both taken a hit since covid and need to find a balance again. Dp can't leave this area just yet doe to his work, so im not sure why people think it is so easy for us to go right away (???) seems a bad time to take a financial risk when one more year would be more sensible. I just wish it didnt get to me so much.

I can remember you posting this narrative a couple of years ago (because it's a really odd one) and that says it all really. You live in a shit town in South Lancs. You hate where you live, you are able to move, but choose to stay? What to you expect us to say?

@PeekabooAtTheZoo

I swear I read this exact post last year some time, same flowery turns of phrase, same self pity and everything. If you're the same OP, that thread didn't go well, what do you think has changed since then?

The Wigan thread? I thought this seemed familiar too....

@BusinessMindThoughts

I'm sure there was a thread just like this several months ago, but less carefully caveated, so the OP got piled on for being classist etc.. anyone remember? The town did get mentioned, i think...

Here it is.

Op, if this isn't you then have a read.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4414741-AIBU-to-loathe-the-people-here?pg=27

I agree with everyone upthread @lecreusetpeppermill. You say you don’t want to diminish your savings and ideally you need to stay put due to a dip in income and your partner could do with staying put longer due to his job but what price do you want to pay? I know an interim move is hassle and expense but surely it’s worth it? Saving for a rainy day is all very well but it seems it’s already pissing down on you every day.

You sound quite depressed and jaundiced about an entire group of people and not only is it not reasonable (I know you realise that) but it can’t do your MH any good. You’re lucky you have a choice, so move. Life is short.

What you’re observing is the cost of poverty and lack of opportunity over generations, not class.

You need to spend the money and move. Feeling like you do is unhealthy and it would be worth it for your own mental health to go somewhere else.

I used to live in a house that just made me feel unhappy. The neighbours, the house itself, everything. I moved to a smaller place in a different area and my MH has improved greatly.

@HotDiggityHot

My parents live in a similar area and I hate going there. There asbo ndn moved out recently and my mother burst out crying from happiness but also anxious that she will get another one like this. I walk past small terraced homes and there are lovely homes where in the summer with their front windows swung open, I can smell nice smells and see well looked after homes from the corner of my eyes or going out in my mums garden I can smell the other neighbours nicely washed and hanged clothes drying just this past weekend.

Before, my parents weren't even able to enjoy their garden from these asbo neighbours with their asbo behaviour and rotting dog faeces and piles of rubbish attracting all sorts of fleas and flys. The area is dog rough. This isn't about class because my parents are working class and never brought us up like this or never behaved like this. Equally, there are many other working class struggling families up my parents street who don't behave like this. There are hopeless, deadbeat people living in communities that destroy everything and ruin everything for everyone. I don't know how to describe them but I often feel like they would even ruin Buckingham palace if they lived there so I don't believe it's about poverty either. These are people who have never made effort in their life hence why they don't know how to take care of things. Working class have made effort and have worked.very hard hence why they take pride with their homes and everything they have achieve.

I agree, it isn't because of class, but my mind is fucked with some of it, we also had terrible NDN's for a few years, thankfully they left a while ago. It really does make a difference, I can at least sleep ok now. Back then we used to sometimes go to a friend's house to get a nap.

Working class is the wrong description i know. It is the anger. It's an overpowering thing and it seems my brain wants to lash out but there's no point. It only hurts me. It seems many of us know who these types of people are, but i dont know how to describe them.

Don't be ashamed of your feelings. Some people have no intention of getting a job/making there environment nicer. There's areas near me (and a few miles east of Preston,OP) filthy, rubbish just dumped in the streets, people outside swigging beer, smoking weed, dogs running loose, shitting everywhere, young children out unattended while the parents are getting pissed and stoned. Such a shame because there is so much green land close by which could be lovely if only people didn't just dump all their shit. These are also the people that claim they are ignored, their area is rundown, nobody cares etc. Living in poverty, the usual mantra. They don't actually want to do anything about it tho!!

I'd do everything I could to temporarily block it out and live in a fantasy world. Pretend the outside world doesn't even exist, and meanwhile, set a goal for getting out of there and spend every day working toward that goal.

Inconvenience or paying a bit more to move is worth it, when you're in a place that saps your will to live. It sounds miserable, and escape is the only real solution. It's a matter of how long you are prepared to suffer before getting out. I'd set some concrete goals. "We need to save XXX. Once we have XX, we will begin looking for a new place." Or "We will begin looking for a new flat on XX date, regardless of how much we have saved."

As for feeling guilty, it seems a waste of energy in this case. If what you say is true, it's not surprising you hate it there and even start to hate the people who live in the area, if you feel they are responsible for it, don't work to make the area nicer, etc. You don't have to like these people. You can't save the world, and if I'm honest, I'd just focus on getting the hell out of there, ASAP.

If you absolutely HAVE to stay where you are for now, I heartily recommend a mix of keeping your head down and 'getting through it', whilst doing a spot of volunteering somewhere 'nice' like a local Scout or Brownies group, older persons group or anything else that doesn't involve homelessness, domestic violence, abandoned animals, addiction etc because that might not suit your current frame of mind.

I lived somewhere very similar to you describe for a few years and it took a toll on me. I think many of us aren't cut out for living in sizeable towns or cities - especially those places with issues such as you describe - and, like you, the constant sirens, shouting, litter, stabbings, drug dealing, dereliction and general air of menace left me feeling anxious and sad.

Volunteering at the local Jewish centre helped hugely (I'm not Jewish myself), not least because there were people there who had endured - or whose relatives had endured - horrors I could never even begin to imagine, but were some of the funniest, most erudite, friendly, interesting and worldly people I ever met. Their ability to come through what they'd come through and still be able to laugh and enjoy themselves definitely helped me through a particularly difficult time in my own life.

Ooh I’m intrigued to know which town! I live in Lancashire & this is nothing like my town, which is very genteel and middle class family oriented, and the rent prices are around the same. You should move here to tide you over until Shropshire!

It isn’t to do with class. I live in a generally middle class area but it’s a sort of quirky, bohemian area of a middle class city. For reasons I can’t go into, I really am stuck here for now and there is literally no way for me to move. The rental market here is so bonkers right now that tenants are literally throwing money at landlords and I can’t compete.

I do have a car and I have to waste fuel driving out of town for dog walks….otherwise I walk round muttering about dog poo and the constant smell of weed. And I turn into such a horrible person….my road is full of people and I can’t go out to put something in the bin in my dressing gown without an audience of at least five people. It makes me hate them!! I too cannot open the front windows because of the pollution and there are motorbikes that make my internal organs vibrate! Most are fine, some are drunks and one man walks down the road shouting ‘f* off’ over and over again.

If I was in your situation with savings, I’d have left months ago. My mental health goes very rapidly downhill if I attempt to do too many local dog walks, and it sounds like your area is far worse. My grandparents were poor, as were most people 100 or so years ago but they didn’t hang dog poo bags on bushes and they dressed in smart clothes and looked after their homes. I totally judge people for ruining urban areas and being slobs.

I'm certain it's the same op as that other thread. Sorry nothing has improved. I don't think there's anything wrong with hating anti-social neighbours.

I’ve read this before, not long ago. Nothing to add because I’m working class so clearly scum.

I also live in a grim town and I agree with you. I hate the way that people speak, especially to their children. There is so much noise - on a sunny day people blare music out and it's so antisocial. Lots of drugs, litter and graffiti.

You sound like a tory unfortunately

And as a wise man once said “you’re never innocent if you’re a tory”

You need to accept you are a tedious whinger and consign yourself to a life of misery.

Move ASAP. All you can do is save yourselves.

I grew up in this exact place, working class, industrial, grim. Lots of nice people but felt very much in the minority, out numbered by ignorant, disgusting people. I too have escaped to Shropshire now and am never going back.
Save yourselves!

Sounds like a shit place to live. I lived in places like that when I was young and would never go back. I’m a massive postcode snob now and give no fucks what anyone thinks of that. So no guilt here from me, and I don’t think you should be putting any on yourself either. If anyone says differently, just ask them if they want to swap houses with you.

However, where you are unreasonable in my opinion is that you’ve got the financial means to change the situation and nothing holding you back. So what are you waiting for? Just go. If you’re not going to invest in your own well-being then you can’t expect the return I’m afraid.

I don’t think you need to feel ashamed for hating the area you live in or the people around you, but you definitely need to move. It sounds hideous.

You are being v hard on yrslf!

I have working class people on both sides. One side drives me insane opening and then slamming shut the back door every five minutes. Their yappy dog is going to live forever.

Other side, no problems.

Stop voting for the tories and social deprivation, poverty and helplessness would be less

Then you might not have to put up with these oh so ghastly poor people from blighting your Little Miss Entitled middle class life (countless lives would also be saved and improved too - they’d only be of poor people though so I doubt you care)

@lecreusetpeppermill

Appreciate replies, insulting or not!

I am surprised so many saying move immediately. I expected to be told to pull my socks up and chill out. I know I have some savings but not a huge amount, and I would only want to spend them on rent if i was in an urgent situation.
Many would call this urgent, but if we hang on a while longer we would be a lot better placed financially. We've both taken a hit since covid and need to find a balance again. Dp can't leave this area just yet doe to his work, so im not sure why people think it is so easy for us to go right away (???) seems a bad time to take a financial risk when one more year would be more sensible. I just wish it didnt get to me so much.

Just move, FGS. Life’s too short. What’s the point of your savings? What are they there for, if not to enhance your quality of life?

You need to move, life is short, move to a place where you will be happy, you have no commitments, move. 🏠🏠🏠🏠🏠

Don’t call them working class that really isn’t fair. If you want a general term just say that you “hate trashy people” which is what they are.

As for how to get through it - see the humour! Watch lots of comedy, be self depreciating. Life is too short to take oneself too seriously.

Second idea - can you find a co-working space? I imagine you are thoroughly sick of your four walls which doesn’t help things - I started to dislike our really nice flat when I was stuck in WFH during covid. I like it much better now that I can return to it after a day out. Renting a co working space will probably cheer you up no end - and will be cheaper than moving.

Third idea - get a car! Again, cheaper than moving but the freedom to get out of town on the weekend whenever you want will probably do wonders.