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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for not wanting to give up my current life for my former Au Pair family?

349 replies

FormerAupair · 23/03/2022 07:59

AIBU?

When I was 20 I did 1.5 years Au Pair job for a family, the conditions where not great but they are nice and we are still in contact. Now in my late twenties I live in the same country as them. They had a planned baby last year and they ask me if I can leave my online job and babysit the baby because they don’t have another option. Now I have 7 years of experience as a nanny/nursery teacher, related studies and also living by myself for a while. With my experience families normally offer me £ 11-13 but they were in a hurry so I told them that I can drop the price until £ 9.5 (the minimum wage). They were upset with my offer saying that was too much, unreasonable and that I should be there for them.

They are wealthy and can afford a nanny so I don’t know why they don’t understand that I have to pay my bills and that the job offer sounds dodgy to me: half of the minimum per hour, being on call Mon-Fri, not a minimum of hours guaranteed, no contract. Even suggested to give it to me by cash so I don’t have to pay taxes so it’s cheaper for me (this is not true because: no tax/no contract = no rights/benefits). Or as an alternative give up my apartment and go to live with them as an Au Pair again.

The problem is that we are not even friends to ask my such a huge favour but I don’t want to ruin our relationship, specially with the kids.

What would you do in my position?

OP posts:
itssunnyyay · 23/03/2022 10:04

Do what you want with your life, it's YOUR life, not there's, they don't own you, life your life for YOU

PinkiOcelot · 23/03/2022 10:04

You’re absolutely bonkers to even consider this. Why would you? They don’t give a crap about you OP. Or their kids really because if they did they’d be willing to pay top dollar.
Don’t be a mug!

itssunnyyay · 23/03/2022 10:08

@Rickrollme

I can see why you are torn but of course you have to do it! Any decent person would. And it sounds like a fantastic opportunity for you. It’s a win-win!
Are you the family? Lol
diddl · 23/03/2022 10:08

I'm gobsmacked as to why they think that you should be there for them.

If it really was just babysitting-why would you have to give up your job & move in?

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 23/03/2022 10:08

Why are you even considering this. I’d block them now.

DirectionToPerfection · 23/03/2022 10:09

I would send this:

"I have had time to reflect on our previous conversation, and I'm disappointed that you would make an offer that disrespects and devalues me, and that you would try to guilt me into accepting it. Would you give up your job to work illegally for less than minimum wage, as a favour to someone else? I have years of additional experience since I worked as an au pair for you, and as such I command a higher rate. It is incredible that you expect me to give up my financial security in order to take this 'job' with you."

Then block them. Take the power back!

saleorbouy · 23/03/2022 10:09

If you want the job work out what you need to live on after tax etc. and formulate a contract with your pay with incremental rises, conditions, overtime, board and time off etc. and present your proposal to them.
It is illegal to be employed for less than min wage and you should not be on less than your current job.
If they agree then you have what you want. If they can't afford you then you have your answer. You are trying to progress and should not be expected to go back to your 20's aspirations.

C152 · 23/03/2022 10:16

Politely decline and don't give it another thought.

Bellex · 23/03/2022 10:17

@FormerAupair

Hi. Thanks very much for your point of view. I agree with you but I feel terrible because of the kids :(

The dad was quite understanding but the mom try to make me feel bad saying that she only wants the best for their children and that I should help her because the baby it's too small to be with a stranger and nobody better than me. She's being always surrounded by AuPairs since day 0 and is used to have 24/7 help for 80-100pounds/week.

An apprentice earns more than that a week.

An Au Pair isn’t a career it’s more of an experience living in another country/ a stepping stone for those that want to work with a children.

The family want a nanny without paying the cost. I’d go back and explain you’re now a nanny, this is my rate. This based on x amount of experience, people say me for x.

Phobiaphobic · 23/03/2022 10:18

What would I do in this position? Tell them to fuck off.

AllOfUsAreDead · 23/03/2022 10:19

@FormerAupair

Hi. Thanks very much for your point of view. I agree with you but I feel terrible because of the kids :(

The dad was quite understanding but the mom try to make me feel bad saying that she only wants the best for their children and that I should help her because the baby it's too small to be with a stranger and nobody better than me. She's being always surrounded by AuPairs since day 0 and is used to have 24/7 help for 80-100pounds/week.

She's a cheapskate cow op. If she really cares about her children, she'd pay the same if not more than what your current job is paying to get you.
Quartz2208 · 23/03/2022 10:19

You sound lovely but the kids are not your responsibility.

Your priority at this point is YOU and what benefits you. They are not your children,

She sounds actually like a right piece of work - your initial post says that conditions were awful the first time and she now wants to take advantage of you.

Decline and block

PandoraVictoria · 23/03/2022 10:25

@Rickrollme

I can see why you are torn but of course you have to do it! Any decent person would. And it sounds like a fantastic opportunity for you. It’s a win-win!

What?!?

Pipsquiggle · 23/03/2022 10:25

They are being CF - you know they are

Seriously - Why would you take a wage decrease? Your experience has gone up and therefore your wage increases.

I would say something like this.
'Thanks for the job offer. Unfortunately, the pay you are offering is lower than my current role where I also have other benefits E.g. Pension, holiday pay, sick pay. I would consider leaving this job for £15/hour and these working hours........'

Professional, polite and to the point. If they are desperate, they should be paying you more money not less.

This is not your problem, don't let them guilt trip you

emu85 · 23/03/2022 10:27

@FormerAupair

Hi. Thanks very much for your point of view. I agree with you but I feel terrible because of the kids :(

The dad was quite understanding but the mom try to make me feel bad saying that she only wants the best for their children and that I should help her because the baby it's too small to be with a stranger and nobody better than me. She's being always surrounded by AuPairs since day 0 and is used to have 24/7 help for 80-100pounds/week.

Why do you feel terrible for the kids?

It’s been 9 years since you looked after them!

SpiderinaWingMirror · 23/03/2022 10:28

They are not friends.
They are loyal to their need of you.
Seriously ditch them.

Gardenfish · 23/03/2022 10:29

New UK law is stating that living help must be paid minimum wage. Otherwise it’s just exploitative. Will find news article and post

Joystir59 · 23/03/2022 10:30

I vote yabu because you obviously should be saying a clear and firm no to them

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 23/03/2022 10:31

@Rickrollme

I can see why you are torn but of course you have to do it! Any decent person would. And it sounds like a fantastic opportunity for you. It’s a win-win!

Have you posted on the right thread?

Joystir59 · 23/03/2022 10:32

You could end up penniless and homeless with no recourse to benefits if you accept this very dodgy offer.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 23/03/2022 10:35

What ridiculous people! How can they even think that’s a normal thing to ask?

Being an au pair is something you do short term when you’re (usually) young. It’s not a long term career, and nor does it come with an obligation to those people for life

PurplePansy05 · 23/03/2022 10:35

Reject, 10000%.

BrightYellowDaffodil · 23/03/2022 10:35

@Rickrollme

Are you the one of the CF parents? Hmm

emu85 · 23/03/2022 10:35

@Gardenfish

New UK law is stating that living help must be paid minimum wage. Otherwise it’s just exploitative. Will find news article and post
I get the impression not in uk
Gardenfish · 23/03/2022 10:36

Ok mis read heading but here it is.

www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/au-pairs-minimum-wage-nannies-b2041514.html?amp

Ok so if you and the family are uk based, they don't have to pay you minimum wage……