AIBU for not wanting to give up my current life for my former Au Pair family?

[FormerAupair]

AIBU?

When I was 20 I did 1.5 years Au Pair job for a family, the conditions where not great but they are nice and we are still in contact. Now in my late twenties I live in the same country as them. They had a planned baby last year and they ask me if I can leave my online job and babysit the baby because they don’t have another option. Now I have 7 years of experience as a nanny/nursery teacher, related studies and also living by myself for a while. With my experience families normally offer me £ 11-13 but they were in a hurry so I told them that I can drop the price until £ 9.5 (the minimum wage). They were upset with my offer saying that was too much, unreasonable and that I should be there for them.

They are wealthy and can afford a nanny so I don’t know why they don’t understand that I have to pay my bills and that the job offer sounds dodgy to me: half of the minimum per hour, being on call Mon-Fri, not a minimum of hours guaranteed, no contract. Even suggested to give it to me by cash so I don’t have to pay taxes so it’s cheaper for me (this is not true because: no tax/no contract = no rights/benefits). Or as an alternative give up my apartment and go to live with them as an Au Pair again.

The problem is that we are not even friends to ask my such a huge favour but I don’t want to ruin our relationship, specially with the kids.

What would you do in my position?

OP if she wanted you that bad, and thought it was best for her child, she'd pay you above minimum wage, not try to low ball you down from it! She just wants cheap care, not you specifically.

I think they're making assumptions that:

1. Childcare isn't a 'real' or skilled job because they could do it themselves, so pay can reflect this, which is a very common assumption made about childcarers, cleaners, gardeners, dog walkers etc.

1. Because you're working in their home it's not a real workplace, so you will be mostly relaxing not working, so can be paid a lot less than you'd get for a 'proper' job. They probably also see it as a privilege for you to spend time in their lovely home.

1. Because you've previously worked with these blurred boundaries, you are somehow part of their household and so shouldn't expect silly things like employment law to apply.

And of course they are guilt-tripping you when they say they have no other options. It's just that their preferred option is to pay peanuts for someone highly skilled and trustworthy.

I guess it's not so bad when people like this give temporary work to 18-20 year olds who at least they have something to gain - living in a foreign country, learning a language, getting away from home etc. But at 27 you shouldn't entertain being exploited like this.

I'd just keep your replies on a business-like footing - don't get drawn into the guilt-tripping, just explain that your life has moved on and you're not able to take this kind of job at the moment, thanks for thinking of you, and hope you can keep in touch. If they can't accept this, then I'm not sure your future relationship with their children is worth it - those children will probably be raised to have as little respect for you as their parents.

If she really wanted the best for her baby she'd be prepared to pay the going rate at the very least to secure it. She's not treating you with respect.

Urgh, how on earth can this woman claim to want the best her children whilst trying to cheap out on childcare?

I wonder why they can’t find anyone else?

Tell her she’s right you are the best person for the job, tell them that you want at least your usual rate, and if they aren’t willing to pay for you wish them luck finding a cheap au pair.

Why do you even need to ask?

They won't pay you what you are worth. They are just after cheap childcare. If they have money, of course they have other options.

Do not get sucked into this sinkhole.

Just tell them it doesn't work for you. You are under no obligation at all.

Why would you even consider leaving your job for any job unless it was better for you?

Even if you wanted to do it this is not affordable for you.

Why on earth did you lower your rate?

No don't do it and work on some assertiveness or whatever it is people need to stop others taking the piss. You are being too nice considering it, they are taking advantage. If they only want you they should pay more not less.

In the nicest possible way the wife or husband should give up work/ go part-time and look after the children themselves. That what millions of other families do.

its simple. what u do is say .sorry had a think afraid i cant do it and they will have to lump it and make their own arrangements

Well, you want the best for YOUR child so won’t let yourself be paid under the odds, have no contract. They are entitled, tight and selfish. Decent childcare costs at the end of the day. If they don’t want to pay for it then one of them needs to quit their jobs

'Such a shame, the £9.50 would barely meet my current financial commitments. Best wishes and congratulations on baby x'

She’s a CF and emotionally blackmailing you to manipulate you into doing what she wants. Say no OP. The baby is their responsibility, not yours.

@FormerAupair

Hi. Thanks very much for your point of view. I agree with you but I feel terrible because of the kids :(

The dad was quite understanding but the mom try to make me feel bad saying that she only wants the best for their children and that I should help her because the baby it's too small to be with a stranger and nobody better than me. She's being always surrounded by AuPairs since day 0 and is used to have 24/7 help for 80-100pounds/week.

Ignore the mother. If she really wanted 'the best for her children' she'd be prepared to pay a decent wage.

Their behaviour is exploitative and wrong and you have nothing to feel terrible about.

the mom try to make me feel bad saying that she only wants the best for their children

Yet this is patently untrue. She wants the cheapest for her children. She doesn't want to pay a fair rate to the person to whom she is entrusting their safety and well-being.

This is not your problem. Decline and move away. You don't need to keep responding to them, or justifying yourself.

Good grief. Run. Run 100 miles in the opposite direction to these awful, awful people.

Why on Earth would they think it’s ok for you to live on fresh air by paying you less than minimum wage while they continue to amass wealth because they’ve managed to guilt-trip you into working pennies? Think of all the money they’ll save on childcare costs because they’ve coaxed back their former au pair via emotional blackmail!

Realistically, if you were mad enough to take this job, how do you propose to feed yourself, pay your rent/utility bills, run your car/pay public transport costs, etc? You wouldn’t be able to. Then you’d be working every hour God sends for the privilege of living in poverty. Why would you do that to yourself when you’ve worked so hard to get where you are?

Plus, the fact that they want to pay you cash in hand with no formal employment contract is a massive red flag. What would you do in the event you became extremely ill and couldn’t work for months on end? They wouldn’t be obligated to give you Statutory Sick Pay as technically your job doesn’t exist. You’d also be in a difficult position where claiming benefits were concerned as you’d be unable to evidence your employment and will not have paid tax/National Insurance for some time. You’d be literally destitute.

Please, decline this offer and go one better by cutting contact with these awful exploitative people.

@Rickrollme

I can see why you are torn but of course you have to do it! Any decent person would. And it sounds like a fantastic opportunity for you. It’s a win-win!

I can’t for the life of me see why one would possibly feel “torn”

Every day is a doormat day on MN.

Don’t do it, you have to think of yourself, if they are nice people, they’ll stay close with you regardless and should understand your situation.
Out of interest, what is your job online? I have a similar background and would prefer to wfh online now.

If you take this job paying so far below your deserved rate, you devalue your own time, your achievements and experience, and you add to the culture of employers expecting to pay people next to nothing.

They can jog on. Your next offer is £15 an hour, with a proper contract. Totally outrageous. Yes, feel for the kids, but they aren't yours and you don't have a relationship with their mother. She is a user looking to exploit you to the max.

Why would you drop to min wage, no contract and no fixed hours? If anything they should be paying you MORE not less, they know you are experienced and they know you already have a job. If you headhunt someone you try to attract the person by providing better benefits and usually more pay. You aren't their friend, you were an employee who was paid to look after their children. I honestly can't see why you'd even contemplate this, they are CF.

Yeah, nah.

If they're so desperate to have YOU because of your experience etc blah blah then they either pay you the rate you asked for, or they suck it up and don't get you.

You don't have to send yourself broke out of some misplaced sense of loyalty - they're royally taking the piss and relying on your good will - tough.

I'd just keep your replies on a business-like footing

The mum reminds me of the chancers on The Apprentice, where they're told the supplier's normal price is £85 and they ask "Can we make a deal and you do it for £13?"

All they are thinking of (like the mum here) is how the numbers might work so that they can pay as little as possible and come away with maximum profit - they too don't think any further about how (un)reasonable they are being or how that could possibly work out or be viable for the other person in the proposed transaction.

They normally get laughed at, which is probably the appropriate response for you to do to her in this scenario, too.

An au pair is not supposed to be used how you describe they have done. They are massively taking advantage.
Also don’t do this.

I’m not sure why you’re even questioning this. I say this as someone who has spent many years working as both a nanny and an au pair. The only reason to do an au pair job is to have an experience in another country, minimal wage but working with a great family and having amazing experiences. As a nanny I would be a lot more professional but make a good wage. It sounds like they want you as a professional nanny but at an au pair rate and that is not where you’re at in life now. But they do not sound as if they respect or value you and are just trying to take advantage.

Unless their surname is Lucifer and you signed a contract that may have mentioned souls, they are being ridiculous.

They are also chancing tightwads who are trying a guilt trip to allow them to exploit you. They are not "nice", quite the opposite.