My bully has Facebook friend requested me

[planetme]

At school, there was a girl in the year above with a reputation for being really "hard". She didn't even know me but when I was about 13 she beat me up in front of loads of people walking home from school. I just remember her pulling me about by my hair and just slapping and punching me over and over again including in my face while all her mates were laughing and encouraging it

I think The worst part was I was with my so called friends, they walked away really fast and let it happen. I think they were scared they'd end up getting hit as well

I never told my parents or school, i wish I had as if it happened to any of my ex (god forbid) I would go to the police. I was too ashamed, I blamed myself

I don't understand why she'd try to friend request me but part of me actually wants to accept her. So I can send a message asking if she remembers what she did to me. Or let her find out from my page that I now have a lovely family, own a very successful, profitable business, drive a Porsche and have a damn good life

Both are pointless so I'll do neither, I am best to just block her

I guess seeing her name pop up has bought it back a bit and I just wanted to get it down.

[quote Gonnagetgoing]**@LBFseBrom* - although I agree @hoplittlebunnyhop*'s post on FB re her bully wasn't the best thing to do, can't you see that if someone is hurt by a bully then yes, they might do something like this?

If the school subsequently decided to terminate her employment due to this comment then maybe the bully should have thought about that before accepting a role involving anti bullying.

I do think that the vast majority of bullies don't change, sorry.[/quote]
Well we don't to have engage with them if we don't want to. I would like to think leopards can change their spots and wouldn't judge someone on things that happened when we were children or teenagers. I can clearly remember people who bullied me and I wonder why but that's something I'll never know. It's all over now. I'm far from perfect.

I do understand how people want to get their own back but it is fruitless. Feelings like that eat away at you and if you put them into action, you could end up doing worse.

I got bullied. I was bullied by the kids two doors away, the older two girls. One two years older than me, the other four years older. The older one slapped me across the face. They asked me round to play and then pushed me down the steps and beat me up. The younger one decided to arrange a fight with me. We lived in a cul de sac that had a circle at the top. All the kids came to watch. She was much bigger than me and I was mortified.

They were at a different primary school though. I didn’t have any proper friends in primary school. Some kids thought I was odd but I wasn’t bullied. Comments about what I wore but that’s it. I had Crystal Tipps hair and my mum made me wear winter clothes all year round.

Secondary school, bullied by a boy who wanted my metal tail comb. When I wouldn’t give it to him he kicked me in the shins repeatedly under the desk with his Doc Martens. I tried to appease him to stop. Never thought to tell the teacher. Nobody would have anything to do with me in games or pick me for a team even though I was very good. I just wasn’t cool. I was smart too and won the maths competition. I didn’t want to draw attention to myself after that so I pretended to be a bit stupid.

I had a fit one day in a science class. Never had one before never since. One boy in the class took the piss and called me “Fitting Fiona” for years. I have looked at his FB and people say what a nice bloke he is. No he’s a wanker and arsehole.

I went out with a boy who was older and from a different school for a week or so. When the mean girls found out they sabotaged my fruit flan in class. I talked about him to make myself look cool. They produced a letter that he had written to them. It said “ValerieCupcake is an ugly cow and I wouldn’t touch her with a bargepole”. It was written on Sylvanian Families notepaper with circles atop the i. Just what an 18 year old boy would write on of course.

Left school and at college attracted mean girl attention. This time though because I was good and bagged a boyfriend they liked. My so-called “friend” sided with the mean girl.

All of this affected me. I developed anxious attachment with friends and boyfriends. I became the fallback girl and my husband was a bully. Boyfriends didn’t last. I underestimated my abilities at everything. I developed anxiety. Put myself down all the time.

They are all in the past now. I wouldn’t piss on any of them if they were on fire.

I learned though. It took me a very long time but I did. I learned that I wouldn’t want to be their friends in any way at all. They were vile people. I found out what real friends are. What I was capable of and good at. They were all inadequate sickos.

How exactly would getting a profound apology from someone who has wronged you make things worse? I suppose by second chance I really meant chance to apologise.
I could turn that around and ask how it would make her feel any better? So what if they've learnt not to punch random victims in the face, who cares? There's no evidence that they even want to apologise, or that they've even acknowledged the bullying at all from what the OP has told us. I'm going on my own experience here, but what happened to me was that a man who had made my life a misery and contributed to my eating disorder tried to downplay his daily torture of me by putting it down to being a male and that's just what they do. Who cares? I'm getting on with my life and have no interest in this person or their misogynistic issues, I never think about them and haven't since I left school many many years ago.
Even if this bully offered a more sincere apology, OK fine, but it doesn't really change anything, does it? They've 'been on journey' - good for them, what do they want, a cookie? It's not about being holding onto bitterness towards them to say this either, I've moved on, but I don't need to hear this, they have no power over me and an apology is almost like they think they have a power over me that they can now magic away past misery. It's meaningless and just a reminder of bad past times. If they're reformed character then good luck to them, let them get on with that elsewhere.

I wouldn't even bother to block her! I would leave her there just like the insignificant piece of rubbish that she now is to you. Far more powerful than blocking.

@hoplittlebunnyhop

My high school bully added me on Facebook … I accepted only because I knew I needed to get my revenge…. I posted on her wall a lovely message reminding her of all the things she done to me… and then asked why would I ever want to be her friend ? I later heard that she was dismissed from her role due to the fact she was an anti bullying coordinator at a school and part of that was that they never bullied anyone and her manager deemed her adding me to Facebook was another form of her trying to bully me as apparently she had no good reason to give as to why she felt she wanted to add me - she’d obviously stalked through friends accounts because the name on my social media is not the name I went go school with…

I’m not sorry for doing what I did she destroyed my high school years and my confidence for years.

That's a fantastic outcome, bullies like that should have to face the consequences of their actions even if it takes years.

There are a couple of bullies from my past who I will have revenge upon, not seen them for 25 years and I don't care if it takes another 25 for me to have revenge.

Ultimately bullies could try to make amends but the fact they never do makes me believe they're not genuinely sorry or think that what they did as kids isn't a reflection of them as an adult. Of course it is, the adult grew out of that kid. An apology alone isn't enough, they must atone properly. If for instance one of my bullies said sorry and agreed to pay me 20% of all their past and future income, I might consider their apology sincere. It must hurt them, just as they hurt me.

@hoplittlebunnyhop good for you.

Let me just put this out there as some people on this thread don't seem to 'get it'.

If you are bullied you don't need to forgive, respond, understand their background etc. If you do, all well and good, up to you.

I've been bullied at work - the women who did that can F off as they're grown adults and knew what they were doing.

I think even teenagers have to accept right from wrong re bullying, they know what they're doing even though they may not be mature enough to understand what they're doing. But they certainly should not expect an apology from them to their victims will make it ok.

My childhood primary school (wasn't bully she was just a bit mean at times) - when she messaged me and apologised and said she wasn't nice (not just to me) and then when I met up with her, I could see she'd changed. If she'd punched me in the face or been violent and bullied for years I might not have forgiven her, but it was just schoolgirl stuff and though she thought it was bullying it really wasn't!

Another bully in primary school used to deliberately target me and others - not hitting but nasty catty remarks designed to put you down. I doubt she's changed.

@LBFseBrom - didn't you see my post about my teenage bully?

I found out she'd bullied her best friend in secondary school - no one knew about this!

She hasn't changed a bit but is now very earth mother, spiritual etc and thinks this makes her a wonderful person.

I admit, the other week when she was really rude and nasty to me, total overreaction to me messaging her, I posted something about her being a bully and not changing on her FB page before deleting and blocking her. It's not the first time she's been called out on FB either. All those years of counselling and therapy I don't think have actually helped her at all, but she thinks they have. Good luck to her.

I hate bullies. I would never have anything to do with a past bully, ever, never. I wouldn't forgive either. I'd walk away. Bullying destroyed my childhood and adolescence. It tainted my teenage years and early adulthood to the point I had no idea of boundaries.

@emu85 - yes - it's probably a few factors that @Hoppinggreen's bully got fired. But if someone had seen the FB post by Hoppinggreen then people talk and it might have had some bearings on her future there. You'd hope not.

@ValerieCupcake

I hate bullies. I would never have anything to do with a past bully, ever, never. I wouldn't forgive either. I'd walk away. Bullying destroyed my childhood and adolescence. It tainted my teenage years and early adulthood to the point I had no idea of boundaries.

@ValerieCupcake - I'm the same as you. I wasn't really bullied more teased at school (wore glasses etc) and I was quiet and liked reading so an easy target.

The bullying at secondary school did make me leave school earlier than I should've done but I just couldn't face it again.

I again say, I do think if you're a teenager then by that stage you definitely know right from wrong and that bullying is wrong, so it's no excuse for you to bully.

[quote Gonnagetgoing]**@emu85* - yes - it's probably a few factors that @Hoppinggreen*'s bully got fired. But if someone had seen the FB post by Hoppinggreen then people talk and it might have had some bearings on her future there. You'd hope not.[/quote]
I think it serves the bully right. Hopefully it was the final nail in the coffin of years of crap workplace behaviour.

Just don't respond at all, she doesn't deserve another second of your time or headspace. One 9f my bullies friend requested me years ago and I still haven't accepted, declined or blocked her.

No reputable employer is going to fire someone ,from some he said ,she said nonsense posted on Facebook,.I mean how on earth could they prove "their employee " ,was actually a bully in high school just by something posted on Facebook?

@hoplittlebunnyhop

My high school bully added me on Facebook … I accepted only because I knew I needed to get my revenge…. I posted on her wall a lovely message reminding her of all the things she done to me… and then asked why would I ever want to be her friend ? I later heard that she was dismissed from her role due to the fact she was an anti bullying coordinator at a school and part of that was that they never bullied anyone and her manager deemed her adding me to Facebook was another form of her trying to bully me as apparently she had no good reason to give as to why she felt she wanted to add me - she’d obviously stalked through friends accounts because the name on my social media is not the name I went go school with…

I’m not sorry for doing what I did she destroyed my high school years and my confidence for years.

I would be surprised if it was your actions alone that brought down her career. It is more likely that she is now what she was then, and your post brought clarity to the current situation.

Bells rang, questions were asked, the final box was ticked on the form. But the form was already being filled in and nearly every box ticked at the point you posted. She was the mistress of her own destiny, and it was coming for her.

None of these bastards deserve a second thought.

@x2boys

No reputable employer is going to fire someone ,from some he said ,she said nonsense posted on Facebook,.I mean how on earth could they prove "their employee " ,was actually a bully in high school just by something posted on Facebook?

The employer might as well write the cheque for unfair dismissal as the employee leaves

Such a daft PP

@Femalewoman I realise I'll be piled on for admitting this, but throughout my school life I've been both a victim and a bully. I was actually a gentle, passive child to start with, and was bullied for the first few years of school. Then something snapped and I kicked the crap out of one of the girls who bullied me. Bizarrely, she then befriended me. It was a rough area and I instinctively felt that my choices were either to be bullied or be with the bullies. In addition to that, my home life was filled with arguments, some domestic violence and alcohol addiction. Violence and insults became normalised to me and honestly, no, I didn't think about or care how the kids I bullied felt.
This was at primary school and by the time I moved to secondary I was again the one being bullied (by different people, not the same ones as at primary). By then I'd reflected on my past behaviour and stopped being a bully myself. In addition, my mum left my dad (who was the source of the trouble at home) and living in a more peaceful environment calmed me down a lot.
It was only when I left to go to university and then built a good life for myself, away from my home town, that I could properly take stock, develop good boundaries and avoid the victim/bully cycle I previously seemed to fall into.
I feel ashamed of some of my past behaviour, regret it and would apologise, (and really mean it), if I bumped into my childhood victims now. But I wouldn't reach out to them out of the blue as I don't think anything good could come of it. I would hope they were able to move on and that they have good lives now.
Equally I hope my own former bullies are doing well. Looking back, they were really troubled kids, some of them had social work involvement and all sorts going on. I don't hold grudges and it would give me no pleasure to find out on social media that they aren't successful, or to gloat about my own good fortune. People can change, many do, others don't, but in any case most people don't fall neatly into "good" and "bad", "bully" and "victim" categories. Life is a lot more complicated than that.

[quote TrifleAndSprinkles]@Femalewoman I realise I'll be piled on for admitting this, but throughout my school life I've been both a victim and a bully. I was actually a gentle, passive child to start with, and was bullied for the first few years of school. Then something snapped and I kicked the crap out of one of the girls who bullied me. Bizarrely, she then befriended me. It was a rough area and I instinctively felt that my choices were either to be bullied or be with the bullies. In addition to that, my home life was filled with arguments, some domestic violence and alcohol addiction. Violence and insults became normalised to me and honestly, no, I didn't think about or care how the kids I bullied felt.
This was at primary school and by the time I moved to secondary I was again the one being bullied (by different people, not the same ones as at primary). By then I'd reflected on my past behaviour and stopped being a bully myself. In addition, my mum left my dad (who was the source of the trouble at home) and living in a more peaceful environment calmed me down a lot.
It was only when I left to go to university and then built a good life for myself, away from my home town, that I could properly take stock, develop good boundaries and avoid the victim/bully cycle I previously seemed to fall into.
I feel ashamed of some of my past behaviour, regret it and would apologise, (and really mean it), if I bumped into my childhood victims now. But I wouldn't reach out to them out of the blue as I don't think anything good could come of it. I would hope they were able to move on and that they have good lives now.
Equally I hope my own former bullies are doing well. Looking back, they were really troubled kids, some of them had social work involvement and all sorts going on. I don't hold grudges and it would give me no pleasure to find out on social media that they aren't successful, or to gloat about my own good fortune. People can change, many do, others don't, but in any case most people don't fall neatly into "good" and "bad", "bully" and "victim" categories. Life is a lot more complicated than that.
[/quote]
Very insightful

[quote TrifleAndSprinkles]@Femalewoman I realise I'll be piled on for admitting this, but throughout my school life I've been both a victim and a bully. I was actually a gentle, passive child to start with, and was bullied for the first few years of school. Then something snapped and I kicked the crap out of one of the girls who bullied me. Bizarrely, she then befriended me. It was a rough area and I instinctively felt that my choices were either to be bullied or be with the bullies. In addition to that, my home life was filled with arguments, some domestic violence and alcohol addiction. Violence and insults became normalised to me and honestly, no, I didn't think about or care how the kids I bullied felt.
This was at primary school and by the time I moved to secondary I was again the one being bullied (by different people, not the same ones as at primary). By then I'd reflected on my past behaviour and stopped being a bully myself. In addition, my mum left my dad (who was the source of the trouble at home) and living in a more peaceful environment calmed me down a lot.
It was only when I left to go to university and then built a good life for myself, away from my home town, that I could properly take stock, develop good boundaries and avoid the victim/bully cycle I previously seemed to fall into.
I feel ashamed of some of my past behaviour, regret it and would apologise, (and really mean it), if I bumped into my childhood victims now. But I wouldn't reach out to them out of the blue as I don't think anything good could come of it. I would hope they were able to move on and that they have good lives now.
Equally I hope my own former bullies are doing well. Looking back, they were really troubled kids, some of them had social work involvement and all sorts going on. I don't hold grudges and it would give me no pleasure to find out on social media that they aren't successful, or to gloat about my own good fortune. People can change, many do, others don't, but in any case most people don't fall neatly into "good" and "bad", "bully" and "victim" categories. Life is a lot more complicated than that.
[/quote]
Thank you for your reply and honesty.

I don't think it is as cut and dried to say all bullies are bad, there are a multitude of reasons. Indeed, one of the people that bullied me had a really hard home life. The 'popular' girls that bullied were from more privileged backgrounds and although no idea what their home situation was like a couple were just mean at the time. Life is complicated.

@Femalewoman I don't think it is as cut and dried to say all bullies are bad

Their parents and homelife may be.
They may do it to be in with the in crowd. FOMO.
Or they may be psychos/sociopaths.

[quote TrifleAndSprinkles]@Femalewoman I realise I'll be piled on for admitting this, but throughout my school life I've been both a victim and a bully. I was actually a gentle, passive child to start with, and was bullied for the first few years of school. Then something snapped and I kicked the crap out of one of the girls who bullied me. Bizarrely, she then befriended me. It was a rough area and I instinctively felt that my choices were either to be bullied or be with the bullies. In addition to that, my home life was filled with arguments, some domestic violence and alcohol addiction. Violence and insults became normalised to me and honestly, no, I didn't think about or care how the kids I bullied felt.
This was at primary school and by the time I moved to secondary I was again the one being bullied (by different people, not the same ones as at primary). By then I'd reflected on my past behaviour and stopped being a bully myself. In addition, my mum left my dad (who was the source of the trouble at home) and living in a more peaceful environment calmed me down a lot.
It was only when I left to go to university and then built a good life for myself, away from my home town, that I could properly take stock, develop good boundaries and avoid the victim/bully cycle I previously seemed to fall into.
I feel ashamed of some of my past behaviour, regret it and would apologise, (and really mean it), if I bumped into my childhood victims now. But I wouldn't reach out to them out of the blue as I don't think anything good could come of it. I would hope they were able to move on and that they have good lives now.
Equally I hope my own former bullies are doing well. Looking back, they were really troubled kids, some of them had social work involvement and all sorts going on. I don't hold grudges and it would give me no pleasure to find out on social media that they aren't successful, or to gloat about my own good fortune. People can change, many do, others don't, but in any case most people don't fall neatly into "good" and "bad", "bully" and "victim" categories. Life is a lot more complicated than that.
[/quote]

Your own feelings are your business and it's your right to process horrible experiences your own way.

What I take issue with is people on MN who think they can tell others to get counselling when they've been bullied which actually is nothing short of sociopathic when some people can't even afford energy bills right now. It's ok to really dislike or even hate someone after they've treated you badly. Nobody has the right to dictate to anyone how they should feel.

And people who kick the s* out of others are not just bullies, they're criminals too.

[quote Gonnagetgoing]**@emu85* - yes - it's probably a few factors that @Hoppinggreen*'s bully got fired. But if someone had seen the FB post by Hoppinggreen then people talk and it might have had some bearings on her future there. You'd hope not.[/quote]
You have me confused with another poster
I haven’t said anything about anyone getting fired

I would probably message her and ask what's up, rather than accepting the friend request. It might be different in the case of a bully who was a toxic manipulator, but I think often straightforward, push you down pull your hair type bullies at 13 grow up to be normal people. I wouldn't necessarily want to maintain any kind of relationship any more than with some other random person from my school but I would be open to the person apologizing or something along those lines.