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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My bully has Facebook friend requested me

413 replies

planetme · 22/03/2022 22:19

At school, there was a girl in the year above with a reputation for being really "hard". She didn't even know me but when I was about 13 she beat me up in front of loads of people walking home from school. I just remember her pulling me about by my hair and just slapping and punching me over and over again including in my face while all her mates were laughing and encouraging it

I think The worst part was I was with my so called friends, they walked away really fast and let it happen. I think they were scared they'd end up getting hit as well

I never told my parents or school, i wish I had as if it happened to any of my ex (god forbid) I would go to the police. I was too ashamed, I blamed myself

I don't understand why she'd try to friend request me but part of me actually wants to accept her. So I can send a message asking if she remembers what she did to me. Or let her find out from my page that I now have a lovely family, own a very successful, profitable business, drive a Porsche and have a damn good life

Both are pointless so I'll do neither, I am best to just block her

I guess seeing her name pop up has bought it back a bit and I just wanted to get it down.

OP posts:
Pregnagainagain · 23/03/2022 10:10

My mums school bully came to our house and apologised to her when I was a teenager. I had stopped a group of girls from bullying (spitting at and name calling) her daughter who was a couple of years younger than me and walked her home from school. She told my mum that she never understood what she did to people until she witnessed her daughter cry every night because she didn’t want to go to school. My Mum forgave her and had genuine empathy for the situation

DrSbaitso · 23/03/2022 10:12

I wouldn't believe all the stories being posted on here about bullies' comeuppance many years later.

StormTreader · 23/03/2022 10:15

It's far more likely that shes become an MLM hun, just block her.

emu85 · 23/03/2022 10:19

* would just ignore the friend request and let her stew wondering each day if you are going to accept her. *

Nope
If she was bothers, she’d have dropped OP a line with the friend request

She’s either forgotten about it entirely
Or
Assumed not a big deal and trying to ramp up friend number

Gonnagetgoing · 23/03/2022 10:24

@LBFseBrom - although I agree @hoplittlebunnyhop's post on FB re her bully wasn't the best thing to do, can't you see that if someone is hurt by a bully then yes, they might do something like this?

If the school subsequently decided to terminate her employment due to this comment then maybe the bully should have thought about that before accepting a role involving anti bullying.

I do think that the vast majority of bullies don't change, sorry.

lovelyluvvy · 23/03/2022 10:25

I think her sending a friend request is a way of gaslighting you, trying to pretend she did nothing wrong in the past.

Phobiaphobic · 23/03/2022 10:25

This is a difficult one. I'd be inclined to accept the request, then see if she wants to apologise. Because if that's the case, both of you get to move on with a lighter heart.

I do believe in giving people a second chance, especially after years have elapsed.

Justilou1 · 23/03/2022 10:30

@BringMeTea… I know, right? The whole “Alpha Woman” comment was so utterly bizarre and funny, but at the same time screaming “Insecure AF”.

lovelyluvvy · 23/03/2022 10:30

I do believe in giving people a second chance, especially after years have elapsed.
If she wants to apologise then that's really only for her own benefit. What this bully has actually done is bring back lots of bad memories for the OP, and as she hasn't sent a message to apologise already, it's really weird that she's sent a friend request. If the OP is getting on with her life, what exactly is she supposed to give her a 'second chance' at? No-one is obliged to make friends with their former abusers. I think it's a good thing if people feel remorseful and change, but I just see this intrusion into the OP's life as selfish and entitled.

emu85 · 23/03/2022 10:30

[quote Gonnagetgoing]**@LBFseBrom* - although I agree @hoplittlebunnyhop*'s post on FB re her bully wasn't the best thing to do, can't you see that if someone is hurt by a bully then yes, they might do something like this?

If the school subsequently decided to terminate her employment due to this comment then maybe the bully should have thought about that before accepting a role involving anti bullying.

I do think that the vast majority of bullies don't change, sorry.[/quote]
School terminating contract on basis of someone utterly random posting a comment on their Facebook page about something they say happened decade ago?

Unlikely

emu85 · 23/03/2022 10:31

The reason not to post on FB is for one reason only

The OP would be one that comes across as utterly unhinged

emu85 · 23/03/2022 10:32

@Phobiaphobic

This is a difficult one. I'd be inclined to accept the request, then see if she wants to apologise. Because if that's the case, both of you get to move on with a lighter heart.

I do believe in giving people a second chance, especially after years have elapsed.

The sun total of her approach has been to click a button saying “friend request”

Hardly asking for a second chance

Lunificent · 23/03/2022 10:33

The 2 most likely scenarios are that she remembers you but has no idea of the effect she had on you (may not even remember beating you up), or she is selling stuff and friending everyone she remembers.
I think it’s possible but less likely that she wants to apologise. I think it’s unlikely that she’s tried to friend you for unpleasant reasons.

Personally I’d leave the request standing for a moment and do a quick stalk to try and find some context.

Longclaw88 · 23/03/2022 10:43

Block, move on, go for a spin in the Porsche

Jumperlark · 23/03/2022 10:46

@Theblacksheepandme

There are quite a lot of people on this that clearly need counselling. I was bullied and really don't care about my bullies seeing how well I have done etc. It also doesn't say much for the people that are gloating at their bullies. Having nasty thoughts towards your bullies really won't help you. I wouldn't care if my bullies have done well or not done well. If some of you are thinking like this, I really think counselling could help you. Some of the thoughts you are all having are quite unhealthy.

"Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die."

Totally agree, it's such a shame.

I was bullied at secondary and I'd only see it as a positive if my bullies have happy and successful lives now. Their actions came from somewhere and it wasn't a happy place. I'm over it, my life is grand and I hope theirs are too.

I also wouldn't want to be judged on what I was like at 15 so can't do it to others.

Anon778833 · 23/03/2022 10:53

@Theblacksheepandme

There are quite a lot of people on this that clearly need counselling. I was bullied and really don't care about my bullies seeing how well I have done etc. It also doesn't say much for the people that are gloating at their bullies. Having nasty thoughts towards your bullies really won't help you. I wouldn't care if my bullies have done well or not done well. If some of you are thinking like this, I really think counselling could help you. Some of the thoughts you are all having are quite unhealthy.

"Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die."

You don’t get to tell people how to respond to their own traumas. How rude Hmm bullying is very damaging and sometimes that damage is incredibly difficult to fix.

Whenever there is a thread about bullying on MN there are various dissenting voices telling people to basically get over it.

I suspect those people were / are bullies today. After all, adults bully each other in the workplace too.

Anon778833 · 23/03/2022 10:56

My friend has a safeguarding role in a secondary school. The other night, she told me that every week there are suicide attempts that she herself sometimes has to attend to. I think that’s an important thing to bear in mind.

HELLITHURT · 23/03/2022 11:05

@urbanbuddha

Just block her. You'll feel better. And if you ever want to you can unblock her.
This

Don't give her headspace!

Thewindwhispers · 23/03/2022 11:07

I’m so sorry this happened to you OP. How awful 😢

I expect she has seen a therapist and now wants to apologise to make herself feel less guilty (or possibly she has zero friends and hopes she can bully you into a fake friendship). Fuck her, you owe her nothing and deep down she’ll still be an evil bitch so what’s the point. Block her and definitely don’t let her back into your life in anyway even just on Facebook.

pepperaunt · 23/03/2022 11:21

I was horribly bullied in secondary school. I was in a class of over 500. When they scheduled a reunion lots of people friend requested me. A couple were the girls who bullied me. I just ignored - I’m pretty sure they friended everyone and don’t remember me at all.

x2boys · 23/03/2022 11:21

@hoplittlebunnyhop

My high school bully added me on Facebook … I accepted only because I knew I needed to get my revenge…. I posted on her wall a lovely message reminding her of all the things she done to me… and then asked why would I ever want to be her friend ? I later heard that she was dismissed from her role due to the fact she was an anti bullying coordinator at a school and part of that was that they never bullied anyone and her manager deemed her adding me to Facebook was another form of her trying to bully me as apparently she had no good reason to give as to why she felt she wanted to add me - she’d obviously stalked through friends accounts because the name on my social media is not the name I went go school with…

I’m not sorry for doing what I did she destroyed my high school years and my confidence for years.

What s load of nonsense ,if her employer dismisses her on Heresay posted on Facebook I'm damn sure she could take them to a tribunal I think there ,s been some embellishments here .....
Bungalowlady · 23/03/2022 11:24

I was also bullied and beaten up at school so know how it can make you feel just hearing/seeing the name.
Even if she was trying to friend you to apologise it would just be to make her feel better not for your benefit.
Block and ignore

Momicrone · 23/03/2022 11:26

Although I would be really curious to know why said bully did what they did

autienotnaughty · 23/03/2022 11:39

@MondaysChild7 well said 😊👏👏👏👏

Phobiaphobic · 23/03/2022 11:41

@lovelyluvvy

I do believe in giving people a second chance, especially after years have elapsed. If she wants to apologise then that's really only for her own benefit. What this bully has actually done is bring back lots of bad memories for the OP, and as she hasn't sent a message to apologise already, it's really weird that she's sent a friend request. If the OP is getting on with her life, what exactly is she supposed to give her a 'second chance' at? No-one is obliged to make friends with their former abusers. I think it's a good thing if people feel remorseful and change, but I just see this intrusion into the OP's life as selfish and entitled.
I consider myself a pretty cynical person, but reading this response I may reevaluate. How exactly would getting a profound apology from someone who has wronged you make things worse? I suppose by second chance I really meant chance to apologise.

I always send a friend request first when I want to message someone, cos otherwise Facebook hides the messages somewhere arnd people rarely see them. Nothing unusual about doing it that way round.

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