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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My bully has Facebook friend requested me

413 replies

planetme · 22/03/2022 22:19

At school, there was a girl in the year above with a reputation for being really "hard". She didn't even know me but when I was about 13 she beat me up in front of loads of people walking home from school. I just remember her pulling me about by my hair and just slapping and punching me over and over again including in my face while all her mates were laughing and encouraging it

I think The worst part was I was with my so called friends, they walked away really fast and let it happen. I think they were scared they'd end up getting hit as well

I never told my parents or school, i wish I had as if it happened to any of my ex (god forbid) I would go to the police. I was too ashamed, I blamed myself

I don't understand why she'd try to friend request me but part of me actually wants to accept her. So I can send a message asking if she remembers what she did to me. Or let her find out from my page that I now have a lovely family, own a very successful, profitable business, drive a Porsche and have a damn good life

Both are pointless so I'll do neither, I am best to just block her

I guess seeing her name pop up has bought it back a bit and I just wanted to get it down.

OP posts:
mnnewbie111 · 23/03/2022 21:13

@WickedWitchOfTheEast87 I know, I'm sorry. Ooh yes I'm up for that. 🤪

WickedWitchOfTheEast87 · 23/03/2022 21:22

@mnnewbie111 I've poured us a generous amount, cheers GinGin 🤣

AlmostAJillSandwich · 23/03/2022 21:58

Oh god, i have PTSD 17 years on still, if my bully did this i'd go to pieces :( I have her blocked preemptively for that reason!

Theblacksheepandme · 24/03/2022 08:02

MondaysChild7

Theblacksheepandme
There are quite a lot of people on this that clearly need counselling. I was bullied and really don't care about my bullies seeing how well I have done etc. It also doesn't say much for the people that are gloating at their bullies. Having nasty thoughts towards your bullies really won't help you. I wouldn't care if my bullies have done well or not done well. If some of you are thinking like this, I really think counselling could help you. Some of the thoughts you are all having are quite unhealthy.

"Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die."

You don’t get to tell people how to respond to their own traumas. How rude hmm bullying is very damaging and sometimes that damage is incredibly difficult to fix.

Whenever there is a thread about bullying on MN there are various dissenting voices telling people to basically get over it.

I suspect those people were / are bullies today. After all, adults bully each other in the workplace too.

I would never in my wildest dreams try to tell people how to respond to their own traumas. I do think if people can get help in some way on how to deal with their feelings in a constructive way and not self destructive it is far better for them. I certainly wouldn't tell anyone to get over it. I was bullied in school and I'm now 47 and definitely not over it. I am not a bully I can assure you. I despise bullies. There are things that trigger me that can have me a blubbering mess. I completely agree with you that the damage left from bullying is extremely difficult to fix but my bullies do not deserve to be in my thoughts. I also do find it hard to believe that bullies can change. I think once a bully always a bully. Most of the time I see their kids end up like them too. I also don't deserve to be attacked by you for trying to give advice. I am not rude.

Theblacksheepandme · 24/03/2022 08:04

Sorry, made a mess of not highlighting my POV.

AHungryCaterpillar · 24/03/2022 08:05

Not read the whole thread but it’s most likely she was spying and sent it by mistake. Happened to my sister when she was spying on an ex friend and sent a friends request by mistake and then the friend accepted it. So I wouldn’t over think that she’s trying to apologise I would just block.

Theblacksheepandme · 24/03/2022 08:11

MondaysChild7
Oh and I'm also not sociopathic but you go ahead with calling me names if it makes you feel good on how you deal with how you were bullied.

Theblacksheepandme · 24/03/2022 08:22

@MondaysChild7

Theblacksheepandme
There are quite a lot of people on this that clearly need counselling. I was bullied and really don't care about my bullies seeing how well I have done etc. It also doesn't say much for the people that are gloating at their bullies. Having nasty thoughts towards your bullies really won't help you. I wouldn't care if my bullies have done well or not done well. If some of you are thinking like this, I really think counselling could help you. Some of the thoughts you are all having are quite unhealthy.

"Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die."

MondaysChild7
You don’t get to tell people how to respond to their own traumas. How rude hmm bullying is very damaging and sometimes that damage is incredibly difficult to fix.

Whenever there is a thread about bullying on MN there are various dissenting voices telling people to basically get over it.

I suspect those people were / are bullies today. After all, adults bully each other in the workplace too.

I would never in my wildest dreams try to tell people how to respond to their own traumas. I do think if people can get help in some way on how to deal with their feelings in a constructive way and not self destructive it is far better for them. I certainly wouldn't tell anyone to get over it. I was bullied in school and I'm now 47 and definitely not over it. I am not a bully I can assure you. I despise bullies. There are things that trigger me that can have me a blubbering mess. I completely agree with you that the damage left from bullying is extremely difficult to fix but my bullies do not deserve to be in my thoughts. I also do find it hard to believe that bullies can change. I think once a bully always a bully. Most of the time I see their kids end up like them too. I also don't deserve to be attacked by you for trying to give advice. I am not rude.

AlwaysLatte · 24/03/2022 08:26

You're obviously curious. Rather than befriend her, why not send her a message asking why she had contacted you? You'll probably wonder otherwise what she had to say.

Theblacksheepandme · 24/03/2022 08:47

I went to my Doctors one day to discover that one of my bullies was the new receptionist. She was so nice to me and in my head all I could think about was how awful she had been to me. I was a bit flabbergasted on how she was acting like nothing ever happened. They do that though don't they? I changed my doctors afterwards as her being nice to me made me feel physically sick to the stomach.

ValerieCupcake · 24/03/2022 09:34

When I started my first job one of the girls there was going out with one of the male bullies from my school. She obviously went back and talked about me. She then brought the "Fitting Fiona" nickname I had been given at the age of 14 into the workplace.

I very quickly found another job.

SaggyBlinders · 24/03/2022 09:42

I'd be tempted to message her with "Sorry do I know you?"

And see what she responds with.

Gonnagetgoing · 24/03/2022 10:19

[quote Theblacksheepandme]**@MondaysChild7

Theblacksheepandme
There are quite a lot of people on this that clearly need counselling. I was bullied and really don't care about my bullies seeing how well I have done etc. It also doesn't say much for the people that are gloating at their bullies. Having nasty thoughts towards your bullies really won't help you. I wouldn't care if my bullies have done well or not done well. If some of you are thinking like this, I really think counselling could help you. Some of the thoughts you are all having are quite unhealthy.

"Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die."

MondaysChild7
You don’t get to tell people how to respond to their own traumas. How rude hmm bullying is very damaging and sometimes that damage is incredibly difficult to fix.

Whenever there is a thread about bullying on MN there are various dissenting voices telling people to basically get over it.

I suspect those people were / are bullies today. After all, adults bully each other in the workplace too.

I would never in my wildest dreams try to tell people how to respond to their own traumas. I do think if people can get help in some way on how to deal with their feelings in a constructive way and not self destructive it is far better for them. I certainly wouldn't tell anyone to get over it. I was bullied in school and I'm now 47 and definitely not over it. I am not a bully I can assure you. I despise bullies. There are things that trigger me that can have me a blubbering mess. I completely agree with you that the damage left from bullying is extremely difficult to fix but my bullies do not deserve to be in my thoughts. I also do find it hard to believe that bullies can change. I think once a bully always a bully. Most of the time I see their kids end up like them too. I also don't deserve to be attacked by you for trying to give advice. I am not rude.[/quote]
@Theblacksheepandme and @MondaysChild7 - see with my experience detailed here - I was prepared halfway to give my bully the benefit of the doubt, she says she's changed and is all Earth Mother etc now.

But my Instagram message exchange with her last week proves that she hasn't changed one bit - "I am not available for rudeness" and then detailing her high level clients who she charges high fees to. And I wasn't even rude to her, was just disappointed she took so long to reply to a simple message. Takes 2 minutes out of your day. Her response (long, patronising, bitchy) made me realise that the stuff she'd emailed me about in the past - when I said I'd forgiven her - it's still there in her psyche. Still a bitch/bully.

Missingpop · 24/03/2022 17:35

She may want to apologise; bullies often have low self esteem & it may well be that she wants to right the wrongs that she has done. But I would be very cautious; she may still be the nasty little madam she was in school & has seen you’ve done well for yourself & wants to become your fake new friend. Personally I would block her; you’ve moved on & done well for yourself, she’s not worth brain space enjoy your life, leave her festering in hers x

bubbles2015 · 24/03/2022 17:35

I am petty and love the last word. So if it was me I wouldn’t accept friend request I would message her and tell her exactly what I think of her, and then block her before she replies.

MrsPetty · 24/03/2022 17:37

So strange. A similar thing happened to me in school. I did however manage to avoid a pasting 😬 Our school bully was a giant of a woman and I was the skinniest of children. During a rounders game, I took the position that she wanted and she made it clear in front of everyone on the field that she was coming for me after. I was terrified. I ran so fast for my school bus that evening and told my friend in the year above. She told me to stop being such a scaredy cat but I couldn’t. This person could have literally crushed me! The next morning, my friend made me wait with her at the bully’s bus stop. I was quaking! When she got off the bus my friend explained that if she threatened me, touched me or intimidated me ever again SHE was going to be pasted in front of the whole school. It was up to her. Agree or all the onlookers could watch it happen there and then. The bully backed down and was frighteningly friendly towards me thereafter. Fast forward twenty years and I received a friend request from her …. I declined. I really wish I could find my other heroine friend though 💕

Sooziewoozie · 24/03/2022 17:39

I think the hardest thing for her would be if you completely ignored her. So much as it tempting to find out why she wants to get in touch, I would definitely block her. There is nothing worse than having no comeback when you're trying to start an argument or build relations

MummyMayo1988 · 24/03/2022 17:39

Been there. I had two bullies. Two ugly, slutty bitches that made my life hell for an entire year of secondary school. I had terrible depression and an eating disorder as a result. I could not wait to leave school. I went off to college on my own, made a few new friends and moved on. Never saw anyone from school again. Few years later my partner and I moved away. We're now married, 3 DS's and own our own home.
They both friend requested me out of the blue a few weeks apart. I accepted, secretly hoping their lives were miserable. I was curious. One has 3 kids by 2 dad's - not an issue obviously but neither stuck around and she's now with someone else.
The other also has kids by different dads, rents a flat and works as a barmaid in one of the roughest pubs in my home town. It's famous for pervy security guards and drugs. My curiosity was satisfied. I then promptly deleted and blocked them both.
I suppose it was just nice to turn out better than them. And know it. Haven't thought of either of them till just now.

Mummabear89 · 24/03/2022 17:40

Hi, as a woman who was relentlessly bullied from primary school all the way up to college you have my sympathy. I had some of the kids who bullied me friend request me on Facebook too and I was like you I didn't want to accept but I ended up giving in to some of them and they actually messaged me to apologise for how rubbish they treated me. It obviously doesn't undo the hurt they caused but it was good that they at least apologised and seemed sincere. Maybe she has grown up and has realised how terrible she was to you and is remorseful but maybe not. You have to do what is best for you at the end of the day

mia778 · 24/03/2022 17:43

She may want to apologise and whether you accept it or not , fine but maybe it’s part of a journey

Cloudsanddaffodils · 24/03/2022 17:48

Just message asking who she is and when she tells you just say "sorry I don't remember you" and then block!

Bunchymcbunchface · 24/03/2022 17:49

I wouldn’t block it
Or decline it
I’d just leave it sat there. Like she’s not even worth blocking

Carpedimum · 24/03/2022 17:50

Your experience at school is almost identical to the bullying that I endured, except I did tell my parents & school but I was left with an enduring sense that I’d brought it upon myself because I was pretty and bright. I mention this because I can really empathise with how you feel. It very negatively affected my time at school and probably my whole life.
I saw one of my bullies at a petrol station a few years ago, she smiled and I scowled back. I visualised smacking her over the head with the pump for hours afterwards. I saw another at a supermarket checkout, she tried to talk to me about my DS because the lady on the till had remarked about him being cute, I told her she’d got a nerve trying to talk to me. If any of them sent me a FB request it would be triggering & I’d block them. I’d be so tempted to tell them to fuck right off though!

sleepgreat · 24/03/2022 17:54

I've had Facebook requests from three women I was at school with who were awful to me. I have deleted the requests. They go to reunions and obviously have rose tinted glasses.

I would have been able to fight back if I was beaten up but these girls decided they no longer wanted to be friends and were bitchy. Can remember coming home from school one day and spending a long time crying in the bathroom because one of the bitches had been particularly vile.

I think people just want a nosy sometimes on Facebook. As far as I am concerned I am in touch with the people who were real friends at school. I don't want to know.

Tessabelle74 · 24/03/2022 17:59

Wow, I could have written this experience of the school hard case. If she ever sent me a message, I'd definitely block her. I hope you get her out of your head ASAP Flowers