To feel robbed of parenthood?

[csm93]

Partner and I are late-20's/early 30's. Feel absolutely shafted with everything that is going on. Cost of living crisis, war, pandemic/lockdowns, stagnant wages etc. I know thousands/millions will be in the same boat. And I'm sure lots of those people view it differently. But we had a conversation last night saying that there is no way we could bring a child into this world, with all the uncertainty, the financial insecurity and the unknown as to what kind of society our child would grow up in.
Feel like our generation has been totally screwed over, and feel resentful of that.

Aibu?
Would you start a family in the current climate??

@pastaandpesto

You seem to be having your arse handed to you, OP, but I can understand how you feel. Perhaps 'robbed' is too emotive a word, but I do not agree at all with the "it's always been like this" brigade.

Climate change is now an unstoppable force that will bring misery on a global scale, which simply cannot be compared to the (relatively) localised events in the past. And another big difference is that we can see it coming. Many of the events quoted by PPs would have impossible to predict.

I started a family over a decade ago when I still felt a bit of optimism. I wouldn't say I regret it, but if I dwell on it I feel profound sadness at the world they will inherit, and if I made the choice now, I would stay child-free for all the reasons you've given.

Yes, this is all true.

I think the trouble now is that we’re living at a time when things are getting worse, and may get much worse, at the end of many decades when (in this country at least) things were broadly getting better.

I’m sure why people are being so intolerant of your concerns.

Someone’s got to fix this mess, it’s not going to be the growing population of over 60s.

Ye Mumsnett 1438. "AIBU to think having children now is a bad idea? We are hearing a lot about this Black Death thing and it isn't that long since the Great Famine."

Yet here we are.

Overdramatic OP and in poor taste given what Ukrainian families are actually going through.

Things change very quickly in life and none of us have the ability to predict it, we just have to go with the flow usually and make the best of it. If you want kids and think you will make good parents, go ahead. If you want to find reasons not to, why not just be honest that you don't fancy parenthood? Nothing wrong with that.

Wow.. a lot of passive aggressive comments here. I totally get it and for those saying you can never be ready and it’s biological it’s a privilege to have a child not a right. I want a child but I’m not bringing one into the world until I have a bedroom for it and I’m financial stable enough that I can provide it a good life. It feels like the goalposts keep moving, my parents first home was a small three bed (which they felt was too small and moved when I was born) that property is now worth over £450000, how can we provide the same life for our children? I’m sorry everyone is being about your feelings but you’re not the only one.

The other way to look at it is you're raising the next generation who may have the solutions! :-)

Sorry, that should have said I’m not sure why people are being so intolerant of your concerns!

Dramatic there’s always something bad going on in the world if you want kids have them. We are not at war in this country luckily.

I don't think people are being "intolerant" if they disagree.

"I don't know", is my answer. However you are still young, things will change in the not too distant future and life goes on so don't completely write off the possibility of having children. You don't have to consider it right now. There have always been crises in the world.

Op asked if she was being unreasonable. Therefore not asking for a support thread.

@CPL593H

Ye Mumsnett 1438. "AIBU to think having children now is a bad idea? We are hearing a lot about this Black Death thing and it isn't that long since the Great Famine."

Yet here we are.

Overdramatic OP and in poor taste given what Ukrainian families are actually going through.

Doh, 1348!

I think you’re being very realistic. Obviously, you could have children, but I think the future looks pretty bleak. I feel sorry for young people having to make the choice.

Poppy92r I admire your optimism! It isn’t always easy but we should try to be hopeful.

Nobody is stopping you having children but you. Children born in Britain right now are some of the most privileged to have ever lived.

I am the same age as you and have a one year old. She has a lovely life and a great future ahead of her.

If you want a child do it now, don’t wait till things get ‘better’ as who knows what will happen next. And while you’re waiting for the world to improve you might lose your chance. We have one child who we conceived easily in our late twenties but have been trying for three years and had two rounds of IVF to try for a second and still no baby (in our mid thirties when we started trying again)...I would just go for it if you want a baby. Life throws you lots of hurdles without you worrying about the minor ones as well. Good luck

I think ‘robbed’ is a bit OTT. It is what you make if it. I used to think I’d been robbed of a normal experience after having a seriously ill child who died just after their first birthday, and then twins during lockdown and basically spending a year at home/ walking in the rain. Now there are different challenges but I absolutely would have DC again.

YABU
There are always reasons to not have children but then it depends on how much you really want one.
My husband asked me around age 21/22 to have a child and I wanted to wait. Then when I was ready it didn’t happen and took us 7 years of fertility treatment to get our beautiful, now 6 year old dd. I am now 38 and feel like an old mum, I imagined I’d have had 3 by my early 30s.
I would always advise to never put something off if you want it because you might just miss the boat.
I work with children who have literally nothing because their parents prioritise their drink/drugs/fags over them. These children have nothing and all they want is love, routine and to know where they stand. It’s amazing to see what impact showing them you care can have on them.
We have struggled financially when house prices crashed and again when my husband was furloughed. Our daughter never wanted for anything and we made it work. You make sacrifices, you sell your stuff online, you budget, you batch cook. The one thing you can never be short of is love. I’d be wondering if you are both not ready and using what’s going on around us all right now as an excuse to admitting how you both really feel.

I had a (first) baby in March 2020 and in my lower moments of the sleep deprived newborn days with no support did rue the fact I'd had him then and definitely said "if I'd known there was going to be a pandemic..." more than once (And don't get me started on the people deliberately trying to conceive because they thought it would be 'nice' to have a baby in lockdown ) But I've since realised that having a baby is hard regardless of how well prepared or 'ideal' your situation is. I still do feel worried about the state of the world now but spending time with my now 2 year old does ground me and give me a sense of perspective.

I also think that even if the Big Stuff (climate change, war etc) in the world was not an issue, there's no accounting for what could happen to you/your family personally. I think we are a generation who believes we can control much more than we really can.

This is utterly ridiculous. Do you realise the world has always had shitty things going on?

Yes it’s a horrible time to be raised in. But then again climate change is the real issue and we are not doing anything to stop our kids or grandkids witness that shitshow.
I wouldn’t have more now.

People who are able to have a child and really want to will generally do it, even if the circumstances aren't perfect.

You’re upset you’ll have a worse standard of living than your parents, and feel you “can’t” bring a child into the world unless you have a four bedroom house, two cars, holiday every year etc.

But 99% of the world don’t have that, and never could. You are being incredibly precious. Have children or don’t have them, it’s up to you. But of course YABU to say you’ve been “robbed of parenthood” because you don’t want a child if you have to send him or her to state school, or live in a flat, or whatever it is you think you are currently lacking.

YABU.

Imagine if all the late 20s /early 30s Couples made this decision, which generation will be the carers when you’re all elderly? We don’t have children to look after us in old age but as a society we need new generations to provide the infrastructure and support to ensure society functions as we become to old or unwell to work.

I firmly believe in a woman’s right to choose not to have children and not have to answer to anyone for it but when you give these whiny reasons and blame everyone/everything else going on in the world for your decision rather than owning it, my mind does jump to who’s expected to look after you & your allegedly socially responsible kind in old age or sickness? Other people’s kids.