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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel robbed of parenthood?

251 replies

csm93 · 22/03/2022 19:19

Partner and I are late-20's/early 30's. Feel absolutely shafted with everything that is going on. Cost of living crisis, war, pandemic/lockdowns, stagnant wages etc. I know thousands/millions will be in the same boat. And I'm sure lots of those people view it differently. But we had a conversation last night saying that there is no way we could bring a child into this world, with all the uncertainty, the financial insecurity and the unknown as to what kind of society our child would grow up in.
Feel like our generation has been totally screwed over, and feel resentful of that.

Aibu?
Would you start a family in the current climate??

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 22/03/2022 20:26

My parents weren’t going to have any in the late 70s as they were worried about nuclear war. Then they decided to go for it anyway and had 4 of us. Two of us now have our own and I expect we’ll be grandparents in time.

Get some perspective or admit you’re not that bothered about being parents. It’s never a logical choice but people have continued to procreate in any number of unimaginable situations which is why we’re all still here.

Chill out.

SJ179 · 22/03/2022 20:26

@GabriellaMontez

'Robbed?' Get a grip.
😂 this ^
ArnoldBee · 22/03/2022 20:26

For goodness sakes. I'm not quite twice your age but I grew up without central heating, double glazing, bins at train stations and our holiday was camping. My parents didn't have the money to do parenthood. They got by and were thankful.
My mum was born in 1957 when there was still rationing from the war and my dad in 1949 when he had to sleep in a drawer as there wasn't money for anything else. My grandmother was evacuated age 6 and was reunited with her parents aged 13 - she had spent half her life without them. Their business had been bombed by the Germans and they just got on with re-building their lives.
As I say to my teen - too much thinking time these days. Just get on with it!

Changemaname1 · 22/03/2022 20:27

In the nicest possible way you are being dramatic . Circumstances change all the time even with the best laid plans . If you want kids have them.

Whatinthelord · 22/03/2022 20:28

Is the situation in our country difficult at the moment? Yes. For some it will become financially even more precarious over the next 1-2 years I should think.

Do I think This is one of the hardest times in history….no. We are still relatively privileged in this country. Any child you had would still have access to free healthcare and education…..and we’ve had communities face real hardship before now too….eg the Cole mining communities during the thatcher years.

PierresPotato · 22/03/2022 20:28

There is never a perfect time.

Sceptre86 · 22/03/2022 20:28

Honestly, defeatist attitude much? If you want kids have them but get your house in order first. Do you own a home? Can you work towards that first? If you rent, is it in a nice neighbourhood, good schools? Can you afford to drop to one income whilst you are on mat leave, how long would you want to take, would you need childcare and who would provide it? Are you both equal partners in terms of household chores because if you aren't before kids you won't be afterwards and there is no point moaning then? Each generation has its challenges just because you aren't aware of them or didn't have to live with them doesn't make your situation the bleakest.

SarahAndQuack · 22/03/2022 20:28

I thought this was going to be about someone who has actual difficulties having a baby.

I get feeling anxious about parenthood and I also get feeling uncertain whether it's right for you. But I think you phrased it in a really insensitive way. Some people genuinely have been robbed of this chance.

Luredbyapomegranate · 22/03/2022 20:29

Yep, because human history has always been pretty peaceful up till now. 🙄

Give yourself a slap with a wet fish - the world is safer for more people, we live longer, and fewer people live in extreme poverty than at any time in human history. Climate change is a huge issue, but I’d still far rather be born now than in the 19c, never mind any time before that

Ginger1982 · 22/03/2022 20:29

Drama llama much? 🙄

VivX · 22/03/2022 20:30

Nobody ever feels like they have enough money to have children. They sort of soak up any money there is, like a sort of magical sponge.

Regarding the future of society and climate change, there's uncertainty at all times. There's never going to be a time when the future is certain. Every generation has its problems and challenges.

AngelinaFibres · 22/03/2022 20:30

@csm93

Partner and I are late-20's/early 30's. Feel absolutely shafted with everything that is going on. Cost of living crisis, war, pandemic/lockdowns, stagnant wages etc. I know thousands/millions will be in the same boat. And I'm sure lots of those people view it differently. But we had a conversation last night saying that there is no way we could bring a child into this world, with all the uncertainty, the financial insecurity and the unknown as to what kind of society our child would grow up in. Feel like our generation has been totally screwed over, and feel resentful of that.

Aibu?
Would you start a family in the current climate??

Good grief
Whatthefleckster · 22/03/2022 20:31

I'm really surprised at how much flack you're getting OP. Yes there have been bad times before and people still had children, but there were two big differences:
A. They had no choice - contraception has only been here very recently.

B. They thought that there'd be a brighter future for their offspring.

We know, unequivocally, that our children and especially out grandchildren will be living in some absolutely desperate times. That's what we're leaving them.

If people think that's being dramatic they haven't been paying attention.

HestersSamplerofCarrots · 22/03/2022 20:31

The world owes you nothing, including the ‘chance’ at parenthood, which - happily in this day and age - is more choice based than ever before.

Inflation in the 70s was horrific - people still had children.

2 world wars - people still had children.

Cuba - people still had children.

Spanish flu - people still had children.

Have a child or don’t. But don’t bloody sit and bleat about being robbed.

Thisismynamenow · 22/03/2022 20:32

As a 35 week pregnant woman who actively choose to procreate, yes your being unreasonable.

The world is going through a shit time, but I'd bet my house that people centuries before us (even decades) had it worse.

Nothing to stop you having children if you can afford to feed them and you want them.

BestZebbie · 22/03/2022 20:33

....Traditionally, in times of trouble, people have more children as the chance of something bad happening to one of them is greater. This doesn't apply to famine, but does to war, pandemic etc.

It isn't a nice thought but it is pragmatic....

SarahAndQuack · 22/03/2022 20:35

@Whatthefleckster

I'm really surprised at how much flack you're getting OP. Yes there have been bad times before and people still had children, but there were two big differences: A. They had no choice - contraception has only been here very recently.

B. They thought that there'd be a brighter future for their offspring.

We know, unequivocally, that our children and especially out grandchildren will be living in some absolutely desperate times. That's what we're leaving them.

If people think that's being dramatic they haven't been paying attention.

That's quite naive.

Why do you think people thought there'd be a brighter future for their offspring? You think we're special because we are worried about how things are going? Utter, patronising nonsense.

Also, FWIW, even when reliable contraception wasn't a thing, a lot of people still agonised over whether to have children or whether to abstain. It's not like they were all thoughtless animals following their instincts. IMO it's quite rude to suggest all of this.

Ops1 · 22/03/2022 20:35

Seriously!!!! Things have been much worse or just as bad as this. Im 32 so simmilar age to you/dp and I have dc.
I genuinely dont think now is any worse time than any other. We have social media 24/7 news outlets that makes it seem much worse. People had babies in the blitz and rationing fgs.

You are being a snowflake. We dont live in any acceptional time- if you cannot AFFORD a child however that is a different story

OfstedOffred · 22/03/2022 20:35

Even with some of the challenges of today, it's still a relatively good time to be alive, if you are in the UK.

In contrast with quite a bit of the last 40000 years any child you bear has good odds of living past 1st birthday, so there's that. Oh and you're unlikely to be killed by cholera, smallpox, typhus, measles, or any number of other yucky diseases.

The vast majority of people alive in the UK are housed in relatively decent homes, have enough food, and are safe and well. We could have it a lot worse.

EdenFlower · 22/03/2022 20:35

If you have a child, that child will not just live in the present- things could be very different in it's future- even 10 years from now.

The current pandemic, recession, war, etc. etc. are all a passing phase- none of us know what the future holds, good or bad.

You could give birth to a child in a golden age and by the time it's 5 be in a world war, an alien invasion or a be hit by a meteor and wiped out- who knows?

BusyBeaMe · 22/03/2022 20:35

Totally over thinking!!

Thisismynamenow · 22/03/2022 20:36

@Whatthefleckster

I'm really surprised at how much flack you're getting OP. Yes there have been bad times before and people still had children, but there were two big differences: A. They had no choice - contraception has only been here very recently.

B. They thought that there'd be a brighter future for their offspring.

We know, unequivocally, that our children and especially out grandchildren will be living in some absolutely desperate times. That's what we're leaving them.

If people think that's being dramatic they haven't been paying attention.

Considering abstanance was a great form on contraception at any point in history, and casual sex wasn't a thing until very recently, I think you're very wrong.

Also why would they think the futures any brighter than us? People historically had a much harder life than us, so probably had a much more pessimistic view.

OfstedOffred · 22/03/2022 20:37

A. They had no choice - contraception has only been here very recently

Eh? People have always had a choice. Humankind have been using the rhythm method, abstinence, pulling out, non penetrative sex etc forever to limit pregnancy. Yes nowhere near as effectively as contraception but still.

OfstedOffred · 22/03/2022 20:38

We know, unequivocally, that our children and especially out grandchildren will be living in some absolutely desperate times

Speak for yourself. I dont think mine will. I think the world, jobs, homes, lifestyles they have will be very different to today but how is that any different to comparing 1920 & 2000.

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