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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Prom Dress Shopping - Mum's Honour overstepped by Step Mum. AIBU??

341 replies

SADMA · 22/03/2022 16:18

As I write this, I am devastated.

My daughter, my only child, is having her prom this summer. An experience I've looked forward to for a long time. Special days out we had planned for the Easter holidays, having researched and researched colours, styles, hair to match and looking forward to the magical day shopping with my girl, seeing her try on her first formal gowns, have the emotional rite of passage together.

Not now :-( Her step-Mum, who is a tyrant with her 99.9% of the time, has only gone and done it with her, in an appointment lasting little over an hour, buying a dress on sale from the 2019 sale collection which only fits the colour remit and taken what should have been our magical experience and memories made to last a lifetime. Step Mum has her own children to do this with when the time comes.

AIBU to feel she's overstepped the mark?

AIBU to believe it's Mum's honour to prepare her daughter for prom?

AIBU considering I had no issue that Step Mum wanted to book her tan and nails, and reserve the jewel of the crown for just me and my daughter to do together?

Can't help but feel so upset. That first moment can never happen once it's happened..... the first glimpse and to see her face trying dream dresses on. The one moment that can't be recreated let alone replicated now the dress has been bought.

If we go again to try dresses and she finds something she likes better ( chances are she probably would bearing in mind the dress bought doesn't fit) and buy it, world war will commence with my daughter in the middle of it. I always bend for the sake of peace, but this is something else..........The one time in 16 years I don't feel I can let it slide.

AIBU???????

OP posts:
Flowerbedflora · 22/03/2022 19:16

I'm nearly 40 and I had a prom, as did many year groups before me.

Chely · 22/03/2022 19:19

Yeah a bit off of her to do this but it's a prom not a wedding so YABU

RJnomore1 · 22/03/2022 19:21

  1. yes she shouldn’t have done that

  2. you’ve built this up to be too much. I took my dd and we had fun but it’s not some magical full day thing.

  3. Easter is far far too late. We went in January and the good shops had already ended prom appointments. One fitted me in out of kindness as I was panicking (I thought we had loads of time)

  4. you and more importantly your daughter need to stand up for what you actually want to do, why is this woman treading all over you both??

SpaceshiptoMars · 22/03/2022 19:22

How about 2 dresses. One for a photo for Dad (done in advance, professional photographer) - and the other for when 'a friend tripped and spilled her drink all down the front of it' Wink

Nomoreusernames1244 · 22/03/2022 19:24

Jeez. Honour? Jewel in the crown? Magical shopping day? First formal gown? How many is she planning on, i’ve never worn anything formal.

Bloody hell. It’s a trumped up, expensive school disco.

Before you get too devastated spare a thought for all the 20 and 22 school leavers who didn’t get any sort of prom or party. Including mine. Denied the magical shopping, denied preparing their daughter Hmm

Grow up, stop placing such importance on a 16 year olds party.

Any chance she asked her step mum to take her to avoid you breaking down in emotional tears and embarrassing her, full on promzilla style?

Hyppogriff · 22/03/2022 19:25

I don’t want to be mean since this clearly means a lot to you but objectively speaking it doesn’t seem like that big a deal and you are overly invested and imagine a reality that just isn’t there. Just do something else nice with her or you’re going to create a hell of a mess over it

Blimecory · 22/03/2022 19:26

Very odd - from you.

Mackmama · 22/03/2022 19:27

I’m a step mum and I wouldn’t do this for fear of overstepping the mark. I feel like I live in fear of that as a step mum, you’re always in the wrong.

PinkSyCo · 22/03/2022 19:33

Special days out we had planned for the Easter holidays, having researched and researched colours, styles, hair to match and looking forward to the magical day shopping with my girl, seeing her try on her first formal gowns, have the emotional rite of passage together.

Fuck me, dramatic much! It’s a prom, not her bloody day! I gave my eldest DD the money and she went shopping for her dress with her mates. My younger DD couldn’t even me arsed to go to her prom. It’s really not such a big deal. 🤷🏻‍♀️

5128gap · 22/03/2022 19:34

I get you're disappointed, but honestly, it's a bit intense. This is just one of countless mother and daughter things you've got ahead of you, far more important than what amounts to a big dress for a few hours out with the kids she sees every day in school. And if she's 16 won't she have another one in a couple if years? Practically if she likes her dress there's nothing you can do about it, so could you do something else, like take her for nails, shoes, hair, make up?

justjuggling · 22/03/2022 19:39

I’d be upset if I’d made all those plans and then my daughter discarded them and did them with someone else. You sound a bit over invested in it all though. If she likes the dress, great, if she doesn’t, take it back and get another. Either way, as long as she’s happy with how she looks, that’s the main thing.

bigbluebus · 22/03/2022 19:42

It's a prom dress - that's all. I might understand your upset a little if it was her wedding dress but I think you are really over invested in an outfit for a night out! Save you 'devastation' in case something really serious happens in your life - which I really hope it never does as I don't think you'll cope if you get this upset over shopping for a party frock.

PrincessPaws · 22/03/2022 19:48

Sorry Op but given the overly emotional/dramatic language in both your posts, is it possible that your daughter doesn't actually want to go with you?

You sound like your expectations of this 'magical experience' and the 'lifetime memories' that this 'emotional rite of passage' supposedly creates are off the scale.

That is an awful lot of pressure for a shopping trip, where it's possible you'll disagree on which dress is nicest, and where you will potentially be embarrassing and overly emotional in the shop

DuggeeHugPlease · 22/03/2022 19:54

It clearly bothers you a lot so rather than being bitter about it forever more I'd talk to them both and plan another shopping trip.

Does seem overly dramatic but I didn't have a prom at all so don't really understand the hype. I also went wedding dress shopping with just one friend (not even a bridesmaid) as I didn't want the pressure of a big crowd of people watching me try them on. I took my mum to see the dress once I'd picked it.

Blimecory · 22/03/2022 19:57

My older DD didn’t go to her prom, as she was in a dance show the same day.

DearMallorie · 22/03/2022 20:00

Perhaps your dd is trying to head you off at the pass as you are far too intense about this.

Maybe she doesn't like all the jewel in the crown and honour talk and just wants a similar experience to her friends of just getting a dress and going to a party.

It's the actual GCSEs that are the important part of year eleven. Not what someone looks like for a party which you are not even a part of.

Blimecory · 22/03/2022 20:00

Younger DD chose and paid for her dress herself- just an everyday sort of nice dress. No make-up or hairdos and definitely no tan. As parents, we had no involvement at all.

lemonyfox · 22/03/2022 20:12

@Zoom101

You lost me at ‘jewel of the crown’ 😳😂
Yeah my thoughts exactly too
LagunaBubbles · 22/03/2022 20:21

You still haven't said what your DD thinks?

wanttomarryamillionaire · 22/03/2022 20:51

Op I totally understand. I would have been absolutely furious if i was you.

5128gap · 22/03/2022 20:54

I'd also say, for your DDs benefit, try to reign in your passion for prom. Its literally a few hours of a meal and a bit of a dance, surrounded by all the annoying kids you see every day. Building it up into a mythical ball which will magically mark the transition to a new life for her is setting her up for a huge let down on the night. Not to mention when she gets up next day to the same old routine.

Soontobe60 · 22/03/2022 20:56

Why are you getting so upset about a made up American invention that is grossly misogynistic, exclusionary and pretty grim! Dressing up our daughters with fake nails, fake tans, fake eyelashes, fake hair as if they were some kind of prize to show off.
Proms should be banned!

KitKattaktik · 22/03/2022 20:56

@SADMA was your DD getting married at prom? Confused

Prom in the UK is a relatively new thing. My DD chose her dress with her friends and I paid. It's a fun thing for the girls which I was happy to find for her. It's certainly not the event you seem to have built it up to in your mind because of some resentment towards your ex's new wife!

SlashBeef · 22/03/2022 20:57

I feel sorry for your daughter in this to be honest. Doesn't sound like she has anywhere to have her emotional needs met.

Soontobe60 · 22/03/2022 20:57

@5128gap

I'd also say, for your DDs benefit, try to reign in your passion for prom. Its literally a few hours of a meal and a bit of a dance, surrounded by all the annoying kids you see every day. Building it up into a mythical ball which will magically mark the transition to a new life for her is setting her up for a huge let down on the night. Not to mention when she gets up next day to the same old routine.
True… my dd phoned me at 9.30 for a lift home as she was ‘bored to death’ of all the fakery!