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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Prom Dress Shopping - Mum's Honour overstepped by Step Mum. AIBU??

341 replies

SADMA · 22/03/2022 16:18

As I write this, I am devastated.

My daughter, my only child, is having her prom this summer. An experience I've looked forward to for a long time. Special days out we had planned for the Easter holidays, having researched and researched colours, styles, hair to match and looking forward to the magical day shopping with my girl, seeing her try on her first formal gowns, have the emotional rite of passage together.

Not now :-( Her step-Mum, who is a tyrant with her 99.9% of the time, has only gone and done it with her, in an appointment lasting little over an hour, buying a dress on sale from the 2019 sale collection which only fits the colour remit and taken what should have been our magical experience and memories made to last a lifetime. Step Mum has her own children to do this with when the time comes.

AIBU to feel she's overstepped the mark?

AIBU to believe it's Mum's honour to prepare her daughter for prom?

AIBU considering I had no issue that Step Mum wanted to book her tan and nails, and reserve the jewel of the crown for just me and my daughter to do together?

Can't help but feel so upset. That first moment can never happen once it's happened..... the first glimpse and to see her face trying dream dresses on. The one moment that can't be recreated let alone replicated now the dress has been bought.

If we go again to try dresses and she finds something she likes better ( chances are she probably would bearing in mind the dress bought doesn't fit) and buy it, world war will commence with my daughter in the middle of it. I always bend for the sake of peace, but this is something else..........The one time in 16 years I don't feel I can let it slide.

AIBU???????

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 22/03/2022 18:21

have the emotional rite of passage together.

GrinConfused Seriously? Whatever happened to the school disco with warm orange squash?

cherish123 · 22/03/2022 18:25

I assume you are in America as you say prom. (Reminds me of Teen Wolf!)
End of year dances not so big over here.
However, it probably would annoy me. Not really stepmother's place to buy her large items of clothing.
Going for an appointment for a dress as a teenager seems a bit excessive.
Devastated is probably going a bit far.

WellNotReally · 22/03/2022 18:25

Whilst I don't think the step mother should have bought the dress with your daughter, the whole notion of rites of passage and a magical day are quite bonkers.

RedskyThisNight · 22/03/2022 18:25

The biggest thing is how does your daughter feel about it?

Yes, it absolutely is. And that's strangely missing from the OP's post.
What we do know is that OP's DD at 16 was happy enough to go shopping with her stepmum and didn't say that she would prefer to go with mum.

I just read the thread to my DD, who is the same age as OP's DD, and she was entirely aghast at the drama of "just the prom" and did suggest OP's DD was probably trying to avoid the big day out and wasn't that into it either

(DD says that she only knows 2 girls with dresses so far. Prom is really not that big of a deal, at least here. Plus they are hanging on in case its cancelled as has happened for the last 2 years).

MakeUsACuppa · 22/03/2022 18:26

I really think you are way too over invested in this.

Your poor DD, I would back off and let her decide, poor lass both her DM and SM interfering in her life, she's 16.

Full disclosure I am the mother of teenage boys, eldest didn't have a prom due to Covid but wouldn't have gone and youngest has no interest whatsoever. I am led by them and what they want as it is their lives to live.

cherish123 · 22/03/2022 18:26

@daffthedoggo good advice

RedskyThisNight · 22/03/2022 18:26

I assume you are in America as you say prom.

English secondary schools call it prom these days as well.

LynetteScavo · 22/03/2022 18:27

You sound very hurt OP. But this isn't about you, it's about your DD. She should have a dress/outfit she loves and that fits and as her mum it's your job to make sure she's happy. It seems to me like you'll just need to go dress shopping with her if she doesn't like what her step mum has provided.

RampantIvy · 22/03/2022 18:28

I assume you are in America as you say prom. (Reminds me of Teen Wolf!)
End of year dances not so big over here.

You don't have any year 11 DC then? School leaver proms have been a "thing" here for several years.

Sux2buthen · 22/03/2022 18:31

@EishetChayil

Also, when did "leavers' do" become "prom"? Bloody Americanisms!
Years and years ago
Sux2buthen · 22/03/2022 18:34

A lot of people on here seem to have a hard time accepting that things change over time.
Yes it used to be a leavers disco, now it's a prom. It's not hard to understand, it's quite simple Hmmit's also been that way for a while

Sorry you're peed off OPThanks

DurhamDurham · 22/03/2022 18:37

I assume you are in America as you say prom. (Reminds me of Teen Wolf!)
End of year dances not so big over here

Proms have been huge over here for years, my girls are 28 and 24 now, they both had proms which involved days out dress shopping, hairstyles, makeup sessions, limo hire etc

I can understand why you're upset but can't understand why your daughter went along with it.
Just go out together as you had planned and get a dress she actually wants and fits.

Planetbippop · 22/03/2022 18:40

I can totally understand why you feel as you do OP. It's a special occasion & as her Mum, you wanted to have the shopping experience with her & to treat her ti her dress etc. Step mum is out of order & suspect DD was so confused by her about turn, she went along with it.

Go with it this time but make sure you set your stall out, with the step mother, for future occasions.

DetailMouse · 22/03/2022 18:42

My DS is 21 and he had a "prom" when he left junior school

EyesAsGreenAsAFreshPickledToad · 22/03/2022 18:47

"Mum's honour" Hmm

It sounds like your daughter doesn't give a shit about the "experience."

Stepmum shouldn't have bought her a dress without talking to you beforehand but I honestly can't get over how strange your post is.

RisingMoon · 22/03/2022 18:53

This has to be a wind up. No one actually lives in this kind of lala land do they?

Cottagepieandpeas · 22/03/2022 18:53

@ChrissyPlummer

Christ. I’m glad in my day it was just a disco in the hall. You sound very over-dramatic.
Yes. What actually is a prom? Is it just leavers disco, as was? I'm too old to have had proms.
RisingMoon · 22/03/2022 18:57

I went to an American school so had a proms for a few years. My mum just gave me a credit card and I went out with friends and we bought dresses, shoes, etc.

Sexnotgender · 22/03/2022 18:57

Gosh you’re a little OTT…

My mum took my daughter. Sent me photos, it’s not that big a deal.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 22/03/2022 18:57

YABU for your overblown prose about buying a dress and for making such a big thing about it.
YANBU to think this was your job but why can't you just tell step mum that you're buying the dress? Return the dress to her and suggest she returns it? What's stopping you?

RampantIvy · 22/03/2022 18:58

My niece is nearly 29. She had a year 11 prom.

Are posters being deliberately obtuse?

PersephonePomegranate · 22/03/2022 19:01

Eh?

Is this a wind up?

FabFitFifties · 22/03/2022 19:10

I'm sorry you are so upset OP, but I can see why you are getting grief on here. You do come across as over invested and a tad melodramatic. I do, however, think it was not stepmother's place. You and your daughter are within your rights to give it back and get what SHE (not you) is happy with, within budget. I wonder if Dad thought you would be asking for 1/2 cost of something ridiculously extravagant, and asked her to step in to avoid that? From your update it sounds like he may possibly be a bit controlling? Has DD explained why she agreed to go shopping, and also to a dress she's not keen on. Try to reign yourself in a bit - you don't want to make her feel pressured by you too. I think if I was her, it would be easier not to go, rather than this pantomime. She's like poor Cinderella in the middle of it all - it should be all about her.

UsernameInTheTown · 22/03/2022 19:13

Is your daughter a debutante entering into high society OP?

Flowerbedflora · 22/03/2022 19:14

Op I would be annoyed too as it is something dd11 and I have already talked about a few times- she has older cousins who have had a prom so it has come up in conversation.

I'm confused though why your 16 year old didn't say 'thanks for the offer but mum and I have already arranged to go dress shopping'.