To be annoyed at parents saying our baby is 'in charge' of us

[cirillaofcintra]

Is this just a generational thing or are DH and I really meek/pushover parents. Both my mum and PIL have recently separately said our 6mo is 'in charge' and 'rules the house'. My mum said to the baby (with me well within earshot) "you're not in charge, mummy is. Mummy's the one who needs to be in charge". She hasn't said anything to my face. Whereas PIL outright said "How can something so tiny totally rule the household".

I'd say we are on the attachment parenting side but not totally. We have recently sleep trained to get DD in her big cot. But we make heavy use of the sling round the house as DD doesn't like to be put down. We carry her a lot as she doesn't like sitting in laps. We co slept from 3m - 6m as it was the best way to maximise sleep for everyone, it then stopped working so well recently hence the move to her own room. She is generally a fussy/high needs baby so taking her round to their houses involves a lot of carrying, entertaining, jiggling etc. and inevitable fussiness. I am doing some BLW as well as cooking all her food from scratch, my MIL often expresses incredulity/amazement at this. Finally I breastfed until 6m so would often need to take baby out the room multiple times during visits for feeds as she was a noisy/fussy feeder. She fed little and often. Cue surprise at how often she needed feeds, 'she can't be hungry she only just fed'.

I feel we have just been responsive and focused on meeting DD's needs in a gentle loving way, but now I am doubting myself a bit and wondering if we should have been putting her down more, letting her fuss a bit more in order to get used to it. She still hates being left alone when I need the loo and screams being put down for naps etc, have we made her this way? It's the separate comments from both sides... clearly we come off as pushovers.

do it your way, what ever feels comfortable for you, they are not the experts

I think yes, alot of parents make a rod for their own backs with certain things, but likewise you cant manage every single thing to get it perfect.

Once you've cracked one thing anther "issue" will pop up.

Babies/toddlers are clever little things, they pick up on our weaknesses and use them with expert precision.

So in short yes, you've made these habits, but is it a bad thing.....well only if your struggling with the behaviors.

I think parents can feel a bit defensive when they realise you have a different parenting style to them. Almost like they take it as a criticism when actually it’s probably just different personalities (and different babies!)
There’s nothing wrong with carrying a baby a lot, she’ll grow out of needing it when she gets more mobile and you’ll save yourself a lot of screaming in the mean time.

It’s a different world now when it comes to child rearing, especially babies in my view.
They are just expressing what they were told, what they used to do.
You don’t t have to listen. Equalky I wouldn’t purposely ignore them either.

My kids rule the roost even though I'm the one in control. They decide what time we wake up in the morning and the 2 year olds a bossy little monkey because she's finding her way in the world. They're much more fun and imaginative and creative than I am. Don't get me wrong - they do as they're told and we have set bedtimes etc but why not let them take the lead sometimes?

It's good fun being ruled by chaos every now and then.

You know your baby and what's right for them and you. Keep following your gut on what you think is best and ignore everyone else.

I think there is a weird jealousy that happens with some grandparents around a new baby - I think often rooted in the fact that they didn't 'get' to do the things you're doing for your baby or that they feel you doing things differently to the way they did it is a slight on them due to their insecurity.

I think anyone that says you can spoil a baby with attention/love/affection, that babies are manipulative or uses the dreaded 'rod for your own back' line can on the whole just be ignored.

I will caveat this by saying I don’t have children but one of my siblings did similar to you and baby is now 5 and still needs a parent to go into bed with them during the night. My sister was a lot more encouraging baby to be independent and her baby is now 13 months and plays happily by herself in playpen while DSIS washes up or tidies round in a different room ( she can see baby but baby can’t see her) her baby also sleeps well in her own room and is alot more independent.

However maybe it’s just down to baby personality not parenting style but I will definitely be trying to emulate DSIS when mine hopefully arrives in a few months.

"She still hates being left alone when I need the loo and screams being put down for naps etc, have we made her this way?"

No you haven't, that's her personality and as you said, you've been needs led, or parented responsively. Does your MIL advocate Jared baby food? I'd say that is generational. So is leaving a baby to cry it out. At the moment, as long as you are coping there's nothing wrong with what you are doing. It's around 14 months you often need to get tougher. In previous generations women were told to see housework and being back servicing the men as more important than giving needs led care.

You do it your way.
I'm just glad I didnt do it your way. Nothing wrong with it though. Just different.

It sounds like you are doing a great job and nothing wrong at all.

I sympathise as my mum used to make comments to my first baby when I was in ear shot referring to me as “silly mummy”. It’s really annoying. And I’ve also had the comments about how often they feed and calling them a little piggie and saying how they are being manipulative.

Baby’s have personalities. People who assume all differences in babies’ behavior are down to parenting decisions drive me mad. Parenting decisions are also greatly influenced by the baby you have. OP as long as what you’re doing is working for you and your baby is developing fine (so not being neglected or not being given the opportunity to develop skills) then it’s all fine. Ignore your parents’ comments.

I don't think it's jealousy or necessarily resentment that you aren't following the same parenting style as them. I think when you see someone you care about doing things the difficult way, it's hard not to say something...but they should try harder to bite their lip.

I see friends whose lives are literally controlled by their baby because they are 100% focused on them 100% of the time, even when they are clearly exhausted, stressed, not looking after themselves and not relaxing EVER. I don't think this level of responsiveness is necessary, if it was then second and subsequent children would be in big trouble. In fact the evidence suggests that younger children are more flexible, happier and have better social skills. However everyone has to work it out for themselves and being criticised rarely helps anyone do that.

I'm a MiL and a DGM.

You know your baby best, please do whatever you and your DH feel your baby needs. and ignore the sarky comments

Sounds like you're doing well. Some people just can't understand that others do things differently.

Fuck 'em.

She still hates being left alone when I need the loo and screams being put down for naps etc, have we made her this way?

No. It’s her personality - for want of a better phrase it’s a ‘type’ of baby and people who haven’t had one often just don’t get it. I had one for my first and had similar comments to you and thought the same - have I made him like this? He settled down around 11/12 months. Sleeps through happily in his own bed so no rod for our own backs here.

We’ve parented his brother in exactly the same way and he’s the polar opposite. Will chill on a playmat or in his bouncy chair watching me for ages. Likes a cuddle but likes his own space when going to sleep. Has a big feed once every few hours then is satisfied.

Babies can’t manipulate you!

Assuming you were probably an 80s or 90s baby, I just think parenting wisdom has changed a lot. My mum was shocked that we kept our baby in with us until she was 6mo and I breast fed on demand rather than to a schedule, as she put me in my own room more or less from birth and fed every 3 hours and that worked for her. She made lots of comments about leaving babies to cry to get on with things and I ignored them all. If you are happy with your choice then honestly, don’t let anyone else make you second guess it.

Like other posters have said totally different world now. I get this more from my grandparents but try not to care, I have tried to explain why I do certain things but they like their way but I’m happy with how I am parenting. My 19 month old was the same at 6 months and he still only wants me if upset but is the most confident little toddler will chat to anyone, happily goes into nursery each morning etc so try not to stress!

I think you are over thinking. Babies are definitely in charge. Always

Absolutely nothing you can do about that. It's a Statement not a criticism

I got exactly the same comments from both sides of the family when DS was that age. DS also had a lot of characteristics of the high needs baby profile. They now congratulate me on what a delightful, cheery toddler he is and how well we have done, so memories are short 😬 funny thing is the vast majority of what DC are like is down to luck anyway…most people chose the style of parenting to fit their baby, not the other way round! My advice would be to cheerfully ignore and do what you need to do to survive!

A bit of both I suspect. Parenting styles have changed, definitely in the direction of being completely child centric, something I didn't do 20 years ago.

Some babies are needier than others. My first was sleeping through at 10 weeks. Second one was very colicky. I couldn't put him down for a second. I couldn't even nip into the kitchen for a few minutes without him screaming. Do it your way and don't be told your doing it wrong

You're not !!

I would smile and say ‘yes the baby is charge of the household and we are very happy with it that way’.

Carrying babies while you get on with day to day tasks is completely normal and will not make them clingy later on, quite the opposite.

You know your baby best, follow your instincts. DS1 was very content but liked to be physically close to me a lot (18 now and asks for long hugs ), another who was prickly but when settled could be left alone in their cot (15 now and likes a hug when in the mood but needs a lot of personal space). I got an awful lot of comments / criticism of how DS1 wouldn’t leave my side for his first 3 years and how he would never be independent etc etc, he is a very independent, calm, easy going man. You will know best for your baby.

Just ignore it. I know for a fact people thought the same of me with dc1 but he was like yours - a fussy velcro baby who would scream blue murder if I dared put him down for even a second. He's now 5 and a dear little boy - quiet, polite, no trouble at all. I think everyone thought we were spoiling him but actually we were just responding to his needs! Don't worry about their comments.