To be annoyed at parents saying our baby is 'in charge' of us

[cirillaofcintra]

Is this just a generational thing or are DH and I really meek/pushover parents. Both my mum and PIL have recently separately said our 6mo is 'in charge' and 'rules the house'. My mum said to the baby (with me well within earshot) "you're not in charge, mummy is. Mummy's the one who needs to be in charge". She hasn't said anything to my face. Whereas PIL outright said "How can something so tiny totally rule the household".

I'd say we are on the attachment parenting side but not totally. We have recently sleep trained to get DD in her big cot. But we make heavy use of the sling round the house as DD doesn't like to be put down. We carry her a lot as she doesn't like sitting in laps. We co slept from 3m - 6m as it was the best way to maximise sleep for everyone, it then stopped working so well recently hence the move to her own room. She is generally a fussy/high needs baby so taking her round to their houses involves a lot of carrying, entertaining, jiggling etc. and inevitable fussiness. I am doing some BLW as well as cooking all her food from scratch, my MIL often expresses incredulity/amazement at this. Finally I breastfed until 6m so would often need to take baby out the room multiple times during visits for feeds as she was a noisy/fussy feeder. She fed little and often. Cue surprise at how often she needed feeds, 'she can't be hungry she only just fed'.

I feel we have just been responsive and focused on meeting DD's needs in a gentle loving way, but now I am doubting myself a bit and wondering if we should have been putting her down more, letting her fuss a bit more in order to get used to it. She still hates being left alone when I need the loo and screams being put down for naps etc, have we made her this way? It's the separate comments from both sides... clearly we come off as pushovers.

@JudgeJ I don’t think being ‘high needs’ is a new thing. My mother said that I was in the breast more often than not as a baby, I just loved the comfort of suckling. My uncle hated being away from my granny so much when she was a child that my granny worked in her pre school otherwise she just screamed and screamed.

I really don’t think you create ‘clingy’ children. All of my children have been parented in this way. One was did have separation anxiety when younger but my other two have always been very independent. They just have their own personalities.

It’s interesting that you say you ‘sleep trained’ to get her in her own room because no one was getting any sleep when you were all in the same bed, and yet you think everything else is down to her ‘personality’. You don't train her to sit on her own, you carry her everywhere, shes a ‘fussy’ baby etc.
You're picking and choosing how you raise your child. Which is what we all do. Your baby now knows that if she makes a fuss, you’ll pick her up and carry her round in a sling. She’s learned that behaviour - its got nothing to do with ‘personality’. She doesn’t know the difference between home made and ready made food because shes a baby!!!
My guess is shes your first baby? You are allowed to raise your baby any way you choose, whether its right or wrong. But dont put your baby’s behaviour down to ‘personality’. 99% of it is down to what shes learned.

I had similar comments from the older generation. I was "spoiling" my baby etc. She is now 17 and not at all spoiled!

Sometimes people forget what it’s like. I have a teenager now and it’s hard to remember what it felt like when it was really hard.

I did have a MIL who was obsessed with babies being ‘manipulative’ though. Even at a few days old. DD had to have a nap during the day otherwise she was a literal nightmare. We did plan holidays around it so we could be in the car in the middle of the day. Otherwise the day was ruined.
MIL thought this was rubbish and babies/toddlers should sleep when they were told or go without if you were busy.
When she visited she tried to prove this by spoiling naps and then asking me constantly why DD was crying/miserable all afternoon. We had days out ruined from it. Just to try and prove she was right.

She does sound in charge. Which is precisely as it should be.
You're there to meet her needs, not the other way around.

If you and DH are happy with the set up it's nothing to do with anyone else.

I'd consider it a compliment that my parenting needs were seen as so attentive.

In my experience, if you show your children that you'll be there for them emotionally whenever they need you at a young age, it fosters emotional independence.

@Soontobe60

I'm confused by your comment regarding food.
No, the baby wouldn't know if food was homemade or not. But homemade is cheaper, and more nutritious.

Are you insinuating that she should feed her baby pouches and jars of food just because the baby won't know.

@Guineapigssweak

I have 4.

I have never left any to go to sleep in the room on their own.

I hated the sound of number 4 crying just as much as number 1.

You sound very hard faced.

@collieresponder88

I think with the first baby you definitely do pander more to their needs. Using a sling is a bit over the top in my opinion I liked mine to be able to lay under their gym for a little while so I could do a few bits or sit in their Rocky chair and I wouldn't mind if they cried for a while I got on with what I was doing. Parenting is a lot different now. Life does seem to revolve around children whereas years ago babies had to fit in with the parents. They were put in the pram after a feed and left In the garden till the next feed. Equally I'm sure they all turn out just fine In the end. Probably if you have another and another you may not be so attentive lol. They do have to learn to get on with it a bit as you have others to see to that are running about Just do what feels right to you there's no right or wrong. Grandparents will think the baby is in charge because it's so different to how they did it but it's not really their business.

Human beings have been using slings for thousands of years, they allowed women to get on with their tasks.

[quote RegardingMary]@Guineapigssweak

I have 4.

I have never left any to go to sleep in the room on their own.

I hated the sound of number 4 crying just as much as number 1.

You sound very hard faced.[/quote]
I think this would be me. I admire you for having the strength through doing it four times though! My one child exhausts me 😂 love the cuddles though. I want at least one more though.

@biscuitlover3678
Going from 1 to 2 was a huge learning curve, after number 2 the rest just fall into place. The kids joke about how I never announced I was pregnant with number 4, they just came down to breakfast one morning and had a sister.

I found its easier to chuck a baby in a sling and feed them as I go, obviously not an option for some women, but worked well for us and meant that we didn't have too much crying. I did always try to put them down when they had fallen asleep though, with varying degrees of success.

[quote RegardingMary]@biscuitlover3678
Going from 1 to 2 was a huge learning curve, after number 2 the rest just fall into place. The kids joke about how I never announced I was pregnant with number 4, they just came down to breakfast one morning and had a sister.

I found its easier to chuck a baby in a sling and feed them as I go, obviously not an option for some women, but worked well for us and meant that we didn't have too much crying. I did always try to put them down when they had fallen asleep though, with varying degrees of success.[/quote]
Sounds like you really got it sorted! I’d probably have 4 in my bed 😂 not that I don’t love the idea!

Ah did you not put in a request to the midwives for one of those ornamental babies that are super cute for grandparents but then pack away into a little convenient nest for the whole rest of the 24 hours and not make a squeak??

Sorry sarcasm not directed at you but honestly I think that grandparents forget what having a baby is actually like! Also when my PIL were babies it was completely acceptable to stick baby in a pram at the bottom of the garden and leave it there until feeding time. Things have moved on. You sound like excellent parents!! I also wanted to not have a baby be in charge of us but then she came out with colic and a need to be attached to us 24/7 and not wanting to sleep so pretty quickly we started doing whatever it took to make her happy, and we were happier for it too! Cooking nutritious food when you can, breastfeeding for as long as you want to, attachment parenting as much as you can, it's all fantastic. Don't worry about anyone else.

I agree that it's partly a generational thing and partly they completely forget what it's like. My mum talks as if they brought me home from the hospital, put me straight in my own room and I slept straight through the night almost instantly. That 'grown-up time' was a vast expanse every evening until I was in secondary school.

Take it with a pinch of salt and change the subject. Your mum would have a field day with me. I breastfed my youngest until he was 3, and we happily let our 8-year-old be part of our evening routine.

Whilst I agree that you have to do it your way, I wish I had listened to my own mother more when bringing mine up. I don't regret breastfeeding them for 2 years each but I do think it was batshit to have made all their food from fresh every day (homemade fishfingers made with homemade breadcrumbs made from home made bread) WTAF was I thinking .
My DM did try to tell me at the time, she could see what I couldn't. Engage with your mother/in laws and ask what they would do differently, I wish I had.