To be annoyed at parents saying our baby is 'in charge' of us

[cirillaofcintra]

Is this just a generational thing or are DH and I really meek/pushover parents. Both my mum and PIL have recently separately said our 6mo is 'in charge' and 'rules the house'. My mum said to the baby (with me well within earshot) "you're not in charge, mummy is. Mummy's the one who needs to be in charge". She hasn't said anything to my face. Whereas PIL outright said "How can something so tiny totally rule the household".

I'd say we are on the attachment parenting side but not totally. We have recently sleep trained to get DD in her big cot. But we make heavy use of the sling round the house as DD doesn't like to be put down. We carry her a lot as she doesn't like sitting in laps. We co slept from 3m - 6m as it was the best way to maximise sleep for everyone, it then stopped working so well recently hence the move to her own room. She is generally a fussy/high needs baby so taking her round to their houses involves a lot of carrying, entertaining, jiggling etc. and inevitable fussiness. I am doing some BLW as well as cooking all her food from scratch, my MIL often expresses incredulity/amazement at this. Finally I breastfed until 6m so would often need to take baby out the room multiple times during visits for feeds as she was a noisy/fussy feeder. She fed little and often. Cue surprise at how often she needed feeds, 'she can't be hungry she only just fed'.

I feel we have just been responsive and focused on meeting DD's needs in a gentle loving way, but now I am doubting myself a bit and wondering if we should have been putting her down more, letting her fuss a bit more in order to get used to it. She still hates being left alone when I need the loo and screams being put down for naps etc, have we made her this way? It's the separate comments from both sides... clearly we come off as pushovers.

It's a generation thing. My gran was the loveliest lady in the world but she didn't agree with x y z I did same mostly down to not understanding cluster feeding comfort ect as most family members on both sides really they all have opinions but they raised their kids how they wanted now you do the same. My youngest daughter was breastfed up to 2 and sling no buggy blw cuddles on demand slept in the roo. With me until 4 ( this was actually because of space issues ) she was demanding at the time but never cried when she turned 3 - 4 she grew very independent but still very affectionate. Baby stagedoesn't last long do what feels right to you as a family and fudge any one else's opinions =)

There's nothing wrong with the way you're parenting - it's entirely up to you, your choice. I don't think it would work for me, necessarily, but you're doing what feels right for you and for your baby. You know what your own instincts are, and you know your own baby; I'm sure you're doing a grand job!

I think it probably does mean that 'the baby rules the house', pretty much by definition. But isn't that actually the whole point of that type of parenting, doing what the baby seems to prefer and responding to what they're indicating that they want from you?

The idea of that kind of parenting is to be led by what the baby wants. So, demand-feeding rather than timed feeds, co-sleeping rather than putting them in a cot, carrying them when they cry to be carried, not letting them cry it out etc. So the baby being 'in charge' is probably accurate - it's just that with that type of parenting, the baby being 'in charge' isn't considered a bad thing.

Also, I think ALL babies rule the house to an extent, surely? It's not like you can just put your feet up and do what you like when you've got a baby in the house, even if you were super regimented. Ultimately caring for any baby is going to dictate how things go.

Next time your parents say 'the baby rules the house' then reply 'And that's as it should be, because she's a baby and she can't do anything for herself.' If they push the point, then say 'Well, this is how we prefer to do things - all babies are different and this is what works for us' or 'Times have changed since your day, you know! We do things differently now.'

(This is assuming, of course, that you aren't constantly complaining to your parents about how hard it is carrying her all the time, co-sleeping etc - if you are, then it's reasonable for them to suggest you try something different as a solution to what you're complaining about. But from your post it doesn't sound like you're moaning to them!)

I hate the saying 'make a rod for your own back'
So what! If it's working for you and your family the stock with it
When it's not working you'll change what needs to be changed
Keep doing what your doing!

Ignore the comments and do whatever works for you and your family.
I'm expecting number 3 and mil recently told me that I'm to ignore this one when be cries so that I don't make him a bad sleeper like I did with DS.
I don't even engage.

I think you are doing really well, not being a pushover, not being harsh. It sounds like you've got the balance right. YANBU.

I hate those 'talk to the baby and say something you wouldn't say to my face' - I would say 'she's not a sock puppet, talk to me!'

Do what you think is right, don't go down the slippery slope of caring what other people think of your parenting.

My first baby wasn't clingy at all. Could happily sit in her cot/play pen/ on the floor keeping herself amused for ages. She didn't sleep through the night until she was about 2 though.
My second was the opposite until about 6 months or so. He cat napped all day, longest nap about 20 minutes and wanted to be carried everywhere. They did sleep through the night quite early on though.
All babies are different. You sound like you are doing a great job but make sure you are not doing too much and burning yourself out!

I have cheerfully told my daughter that her baby is a little tyrant and she has cheerfully agreed.

It's a statement of fact . He's a baby, he expresses his needs and his parents respond. How could it be otherwise?

I was an 80s baby, one of 4. My parents were on the same page as you are, as am I with my DD.

It does sound like the baby is in charge and she sounds very hard work. But she’s your baby, not your parents or your in laws. It’s up to you how you care for her. Also things have changed massively since your parents, in-laws and myself had a baby. It’s important for older people to realise that.

I don’t think anyone can answer whether you’ve made your baby this way. Probably the older generation might think you have. But it is a generational thing. When your children are having babies, they’ll do things that you won’t agree with, or won’t approve of. Everything goes a full circle, child rearing included.

Of course babies are in charge. They cannot meet their own needs, and are completely reliant on us to do what needs to be done for them. I’d ignore their comments - they obviously parented differently to how you want to parent. And it’s your turn to parent now. Their opinions are irrelevant

Meh. My parents used to say this - their attitude was that we should sit down to eat when they wanted, put baby down when suited us best etc etc. Essentially they wanted baby to work around them.

DD was a high needs baby, she wouldn't just 'sit' anywhere and watch the world go by. I know these babies exist, I've met them, I'm related to them but she just wasn't one of them. It's a chicken/egg thing - my parents think she's like that because we worked around her, I know that we work around her because that's her personality!

Anyway, my view was that I would enjoy my dinner much more if I wasn't being screamed at during it. So we worked around her, yes, but because of the fact it made our own lives so much easier. We sleep trained at 6 months so we weren't exactly hippy parents, we just did whatever kept her as chilled as possible because it served our own purposes. And my parents could shove it, really.

Please try cranial oesto from a person who has training in babies - sounds like she might be uncomfortable and it can help. BUPA pays for it if you have insurance as its well known the birthing process can create neck muscle issues etc.
You are making a rod for your own back but its really your choice. But not being able to put her down to even go to the toilet does sound draining.

You are making a rod for your own back but its really your choice

At nearly 2, my DS now gets cross if people try to pick him up when he’s playing. He eats very well and sits beautifully in any form of constraint. He self settles and sleeps through the night in his cot. He trots into nursery without a backward glance, but comes out beaming no matter if it’s me, DH or MIL picking him up. 1 year ago, he screamed if anyone even looked at him, I held him near permanently and he coslept with me for every nap and night. The buggy and the car seat were akin to a form of medieval torture. So, with the greatest respect, I am calling BS on this.

My household is also child-led but this is just a style and preference. Attachment parenting does work, but it is a big commitment. It does not mean my home is "ruled" by the kids. Dh and I have chosen actively how we want to raise our kids, and I expect my PIL to endeavor to support us and try to understand our approach. I'm happy to answer questions and hear about how they did things differently, sometimes I even take the advice given but I don't take any criticism of my own approach, as I'm doing the best I can.

It is very tiresome when the older generation simply don't try to understand why our choices are different to theirs. I'm sure things will change again so the next generation will do something altogether different too and i hope i will be sympathetic not judgemental.

Your baby, your rules. Will just say this though, I went by all the latest advice, blw and so on with my first. By the time my third was born I was a lot more relaxed and so were the children

Life often revolves around the youngest member of the family. It's just the way it is. You have not 'made your baby this way' she's just a baby and you are meeting her needs in the best way you know how. Tell your parents/in-laws that times move on and we now know leaving a baby to cry it out causes real psychological harm.

Also my 15 month old won't be put down or left alone while I go to the loo. I carry him everywhere and I'm gonna need a new back soon 😂😂 oh and we still co-sleep but he's liking his cot more and more so it probably won't be forever. I'm assuming he won't want to sleep with me and his dad when he's 16. Enjoy your baby, you're doing a great job.

They've just forgotten.

@AliceW89 most people chose the style of parenting to fit their baby, not the other way round!

I think you've said it perfectly here.

How can a six month old be in charge of you 😂😂😂 also you sleep trained, that’s pretty much the opposite of attachment parenting! so yes ignoring the annoying comments. You’ll only regret listening to their stupidity.

I prefer to let my babies be in charge. They are only babies for a short while and my personal experience is that they don't stay clingly once they are mobile!

Do what sits right with you, others will always judge. If they want to waste energy judging just let them get on with it.

There is really isn’t a right or wrong way of doing things.

I’m from the old fashioned school of thought within my own house and parenting like your in laws but that doesn’t mean I judge you one way or the other or think you wrong.

It’s your baby raise it the way you want to it isn’t any of their business

It’s not generational!
My ds is 38.
He was ebf.
He didn’t eat jars of food I cooked from scratch.
He was put to bed after a late bf and still woke up in the night.
His needs were met as necessary,
Babies cannot manipulate anyone.

Your dm and in laws just happen to have the same ridiculous notions.
It’s unfortunate but ignore them and parent as you see fit.

Your baby probably IS the boss. Most babies are!!! But it's just one of those things, and there's no need to use it as an insult or a weapon against you.

Grrr you have my sympathy OP, I hate comments like that!
I remember my mum going on and on about 'baby has to fit round you, not the other way around' because we used to try to plan naps into a day out. Really annoyed me. Some babies need their naps planning (my DS), others will slot it in wherever (my DD)!
Every baby is different and YOU know your baby better than anyone else. Ignore them.