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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed at parents saying our baby is 'in charge' of us

140 replies

cirillaofcintra · 22/03/2022 15:17

Is this just a generational thing or are DH and I really meek/pushover parents. Both my mum and PIL have recently separately said our 6mo is 'in charge' and 'rules the house'. My mum said to the baby (with me well within earshot) "you're not in charge, mummy is. Mummy's the one who needs to be in charge". She hasn't said anything to my face. Whereas PIL outright said "How can something so tiny totally rule the household".

I'd say we are on the attachment parenting side but not totally. We have recently sleep trained to get DD in her big cot. But we make heavy use of the sling round the house as DD doesn't like to be put down. We carry her a lot as she doesn't like sitting in laps. We co slept from 3m - 6m as it was the best way to maximise sleep for everyone, it then stopped working so well recently hence the move to her own room. She is generally a fussy/high needs baby so taking her round to their houses involves a lot of carrying, entertaining, jiggling etc. and inevitable fussiness. I am doing some BLW as well as cooking all her food from scratch, my MIL often expresses incredulity/amazement at this. Finally I breastfed until 6m so would often need to take baby out the room multiple times during visits for feeds as she was a noisy/fussy feeder. She fed little and often. Cue surprise at how often she needed feeds, 'she can't be hungry she only just fed'.

I feel we have just been responsive and focused on meeting DD's needs in a gentle loving way, but now I am doubting myself a bit and wondering if we should have been putting her down more, letting her fuss a bit more in order to get used to it. She still hates being left alone when I need the loo and screams being put down for naps etc, have we made her this way? It's the separate comments from both sides... clearly we come off as pushovers.

OP posts:

Ohyesiam · 22/03/2022 18:46

Don’t doubt yourself! They have had their turn at bringing up baby, now they need to stand well back and let you do what you know is right.
I carried my dd for 9 months because she would be put down.
She is now a ( quietly) confident , hardworking person with amazing leadership skills. I think ALOT of her confidence comes from getting her needs met in the early years.

Echobelly · 22/03/2022 18:46

Six month olds cannot be 'in charge' - parents may be more or less 'baby centered' because they are the ones who make choices here, so you parent how you like!

MangshorJhol · 22/03/2022 18:50

I breastfed. Cooked from scratch. Carried baby in a sling (DS2 not DS1 who hated it). Also co slept and did the very gentlest of sleep training. More nudging than training.

And yet, I did occasionally accept (esp when DS2 came around) that I couldn’t always constantly be responsive. It was ok for them to fuss a bit. Or to be a bit bored. Or to get upset when I left the room (I would always come back and say, look Mummy is back).

It’s possible to be responsive and attentive and also to set your own boundaries. With the baby and with others. One of my would only nap in a cot. I was very rigid about naptimes for my sanity. The other one could nap anywhere. Still can. So I was more flexible. You parent the baby you have. You parent the child you want growing up. And you should parent within what is possible for you.

Giraffesandbottoms · 22/03/2022 18:53

You are making a rod for your own back

This is quite possibly the most irritating phrase of all time. Agree with a PP most people just do what works for their baby. In my case I carried my baby around because, for me, listening to a screaming baby would have been much more horrible than “making a rod for my own back”. Not that I did, because my 3 year old is wonderful, so where’s the rod?!

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 22/03/2022 19:32

Oh just ignore them. They had their chance, it's your turn now. They're being ridiculous about a 6 month old for cryin' out loud! I could kind of understand it if your daughter was like 3 or something.

As for how something so tiny can rule the roost - because she's a baby. What are they expecting? Six month olds rely on their caregivers for every single thing.

God people like this boil my piss.

britneyisfree · 22/03/2022 19:35

If you sleep trained then you aren't doing attached parenting.

Also your baby sounds normal. They aren't little robots we can pack away and ignore. We should be wanting to meet there needs when we can. So ignore people who tell you otherwise and crack on. Mostly they just feel guilty they didn't have the patience to commit and dedicate themselves without leaving the child in a room alone to cry and get on with it.

Nomoreusernames1244 · 22/03/2022 19:38

The rod for your own back thing is bollocks.

They’re babies. It’s a phase, it’s always a phase, and they grow out of it.

There is evidence that attachment parenting, responsive parenting or whatever you want to call it actually creates a more secure bond so later on the child becomes more independent and better at leaving their parents, because they learn they’ll always be there if needed. “Training” babies to be left alone leads to kids who learn that no one will come if they cry.

So tell them to stuff off. I got told all that crap, and that i should train dd not to be reliant on me- she’s 16 now and probably one of the most self sufficient and independent kids I know.

Kdubs1981 · 22/03/2022 19:47

Just ignore them and parent how you see fit.

3WildOnes · 22/03/2022 19:50

I never left any of mine to cry. Breast fed each of them for between 1 and 2 years. Fed them on demand when they were little. Co slept for periods with each of them. Thankfully my parents and In laws never commented negatively on my parenting, I think I would have found that frustrating.

Onthetrain75 · 22/03/2022 19:50

It’s your baby and ultimately how you parent is your choice.

That said, I had a multiple birth so whenever I hear someone with a singleton tell me they can’t put their baby down I generally think that is a choice the parent is making. If you have more than one baby you don’t have enough arms to carry them both all the time.

Grandparents often just want to tell you what they think you should be doing, but they’ve had their chance to parent and now it’s your turn. My mother was incredulous that I wanted to breast feed twins, she was not at all supportive. Lots of comments about not knowing whether the babies were getting enough milk, how tied down it was. She found the whole thing totally distasteful.

The point is that parenting is really just a series of choices that we make about what to do, and most people in my opinion do what they think is best. So do what suits you. You can change things at any time. It’s your choice.

Flittingaboutagain · 22/03/2022 19:51

How rude. We jokingly say our baby is the boss of our lives but it's true to an extent and we wouldn't have it any other way!

PinkSyCo · 22/03/2022 20:00

How old are your babies grandparents? I’m a 51 year old nan and treated my babies exactly the same as you describe, as does my daughter. It doesn’t mean they rule you, just that you are sensitive to these tiny beings needs. You’re doing a great job so ignore those who say otherwise.

sweetbambi · 22/03/2022 20:03

Not a parent just yet I will just say one thing i have noticed. Children with parents that were not as quick to fulfill all of the babies demands etc had a tendency to be lower maintenance and less fussy. One baby in particular who had a very relaxed mother when it came to some things was actually an amazing sleeper. The few over night babysitting I did not a peep came from the nursery... and my cousin was one of the most low maintenance babies ever... probably because she as a baby figured that even her fussing and crying did not get her mother's attention right away... not saying this is something that should be done or that I would do but I have notices babies from parents that I guess in a way put themselves first are lower maintenance then others and it does make me sad to think at how young they must have figured out that crying and fussing is of no use....

QuiltedHippo · 22/03/2022 20:06

I don't understand how people would rather listen to screaming that carry a tiny little things around, maybe their babies stop trying to be heard quickly but for my sanity I'm not going to try. Same with grandparents, would they rather a nice lunch with baby on your lap, or screaming?

britneyisfree · 22/03/2022 20:16

@sweetbambi

Yes. That's exactly it. They have realised crying doesn't get attention so they stop doing it. The first way they learn to communicate and they ignored and told to deal with stuff alone. From 6 months of earlier in some cases.

Then we get folks complaining their teens won't talk to them. They won't listen. Taking a year or two of convenience rather than listen to a child who can barely communicate.

Research the negative out comes of the behaviours you seem to be viewing in a good light before you have kids of your own. @sweetbambi

AlwaysLatte · 22/03/2022 20:17

I think they just come across as old fashioned and you sound more in tune to your baby's needs. I chose 'baby wearing' with both my two - now confident and independent 14 year and 12 year olds who are considerate and polite and definitely don't rule the roost.

Fluffycloudland77 · 22/03/2022 20:21

We used to get this about our Bengal cat. Not my fault we loved the cat more.

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 22/03/2022 20:35

Could it be because as things are mil can't have your dc to herself? And she has to hand her back for feeds? My mil absolutely hated me bf. She used to juggle and shhhh a clearly hungry baby because it killed her to admit the baby needed me not her.

Foxglovers · 22/03/2022 20:38

@SamanthaVimes

I think parents can feel a bit defensive when they realise you have a different parenting style to them. Almost like they take it as a criticism when actually it’s probably just different personalities (and different babies!) There’s nothing wrong with carrying a baby a lot, she’ll grow out of needing it when she gets more mobile and you’ll save yourself a lot of screaming in the mean time.

Totally agree with this!

sweetbambi · 22/03/2022 20:40

@16britneyisfree I never said it was good and I did say it's not the way I would parent because I don't think I could just leave a child crying I am just saying that these kids that had these parents were very easy to look after. I even said in my post feeling sad for these kids

Gizacluethen · 22/03/2022 20:44

She still hates being left alone when I need the loo and screams being put down for naps etc, have we made her this way?

No. Its who she is. DS is 10mo he cosleeps. Has done since he was days old. He has never ever settled in a cot, I tried, it's not who he is. There is no way on earth this kid would sleep in a cot. I don't think cry it out would even work. He'd just cry until he was sick. He will play alone for a while, more so if I'm in the same room he's happy happy wander off on his own.

You parent in the way your baby needs you to. Everyone can stick their opinions up their arses.

Rinatinabina · 22/03/2022 20:44

@maddy68

I think you are over thinking. Babies are definitely in charge. Always Absolutely nothing you can do about that. It's a Statement not a criticism

So true, you just can’t reason with the little blighters.

Jumprope309 · 22/03/2022 20:45

No matter how you parent someone somewhere will tell you you’re doing it wrong. So you must do what you think is best for you and your baby and try to ignore the comments.
My second baby liked to be held all the time. He would cry in his bouncy chair right next to me as I washed up for instance. My first wasn’t like that at all, so I think it is just different babies with different personalities and needs.

Planetbippop · 22/03/2022 20:54

Parenting seems to have become so baby, rather than parent led. I must say, reading some of the responses, it must be exhausting for the parents. Lord I'm grateful I'm not a parent to young children now. Phew!

Luredbyapomegranate · 22/03/2022 20:55

You do what you want to -

However, yes, by holding her constantly you have created a baby that screams when she’s put down for naps or when you go to the loo. That’s not necessarily a problem if it doesn’t bother you - but if it is starting to drive you crackers then just gradually put her down more - pick the time when you think she’d be most happy with that and work up from there.

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