It's another in-laws post birth thread

[LittleGwyneth]

I have genuinely tried to find other threads to get answers to this, but couldn't find any.

Having a baby in a few weeks, via planned section - only really relevant as it means we will know the date the baby is going to be born.

We live in central London, my parents live about an hour outside of London and my siblings live about half an hour away. My DH's family live about a 4-5 hour drive away.

My MIL is a lovely, practical, kind person. But I don't know her that well. She doesn't really come to London, so in the nearly ten years I've been with my husband I've probably spent 2-3 days with her, twice a year. I like her, but it's certainly not like having a second mum. Her husband, my FIL, is not my husband's father and is fairly irritating. The type to share politically incorrect memes on Facebook.

They want to come and visit us 'as soon as possible' when the baby is born. They're very happy to stay in a hotel nearby, which is good as we won't have a spare room by the time the baby is born. My question is: AIBU to want to wait a bit?

My husband is fairly clueless on all this (and I'm absolutely no expert) so when we talked about it he suggested 'about five days' after the baby is born. To me that sounds very soon, in terms of the fact that I'll presumably be bleeding and lactating a lot.

If PIL lived an hour away they'd pop down, meet the baby, then go home, and I'd be very happy with that. But because it's a big journey and they're spending two nights in a hotel (which won't be cheap), it seems like they're going to be around a lot. And I just don't know at what point you have to put your big girl pants on and accept that there are people you don't know that well in your space, holding your baby, or whether it's fair to say look, I need a couple of weeks?

I don't want to be that woman who lets her own mum meet the baby on day 3 of life and holds off the in-laws. But equally I don't want them to travel all the way to London and then be upset that they only get to see the baby for an hour a day - or that I'm not 100% sure how I'll feel about other people holding her at that stage.

Does anyone have any insight as to when they would have been ready to have visitors? Or how many hours a day would be reasonable to expect to receive people who've made a big journey and spent money to visit you?

[quote LittleGwyneth]@JenniferBarkley When you say more than an hour a day - how much time per day seems reasonable? I sort of want it to just be me, DH and the baby for the first week or so, but if that's unreasonable I'd like to try and set some boundaries which are fair.[/quote]
An hour seems really stingy.
I think you need to get your DH to discuss expectations with each other and then them. E.g You will have baby unless it’s sleeeping or DH is holding. They can have a cuddle when it is ok with you- but allow quite a lot of short occasions of that.
Take baby with you to your bedroom for BF or nursery or even sittingroom but state it is not a spectator sport- they shouldn’t come in and watch. If they’re in sittingroom where you want to feed they go somewhere else till you’re done.
They mustn’t disturb baby during sleeping times. But if you need a rest while baby is awake then DH in charge and they can take their lead form him.
They need to be prepared to muck in with chores. Help prep lunch and tea meal, clearing up, running a vacuum if needed. Clean the loo/handbasin just before they leave. Give them a time to arrive (after breakfast and once you’ve had chance to wake up properly though being there to “help” DH could give you the chance for a lovely long shower or even bath) and a time to leave e.g. after tea but we’ll before your early bed time .

If they look like they’re taking to it ok, go out for a walk with them and pushchair- let them push the pram.
Take lots of photos 😉
It is their chance to begin to bond with their GC. 5 days isnt too soon for that.unless you are not well or it’s been a particularly difficult birth- they need to be a bit flexible with their travel plans,

To be honest I expect you will be pretty knackered, pretty obsessed with new born, and not really aware of what they’re up to. If you leave 3 weeks you could be at an even more vulnerable time - DH just gone back to work, trying to cope on your own, more sleep deprived.

If they are absolute pains, then you’ll know not to allow them to visit again in near future. But they may surprise you…and be absolutely prepared to muck in and actually help you.

I didn’t know my MIL well before I had dc. They lived 6 hours drive away and I saw them for a couple of days twice per year. She was a pain at times and we did have some clashes in our personalities. But as grandparents it was a delight. They were overjoyed and so very obviously proud in having GC. My FIL at 80 would get down on the floor and really play and engage with them. Had to have a lot of help getting back up 😱🤣Even though they were miles away, my MIL particularly was excellent in sending lots of letters and mini parcels of little books, or random toy to the kids at random times , she never forgot their spelling tests, dentist appointments and would always be on phone to them to ask them how it went. We didn’t have zoom back then- it’s a real shame ..but they did everything they could to have a strong long distanced relationship.

I think you can tell on here who is a paternal grandparent

[quote Staryflight445]@AngelinaFibres in laws are not equal to the parents of the person who has just given birth. Their priority is their daughter, if you can’t understand that, that’s your problem.[/quote]
My DiL had a cesarean. I had a cesarean in order to deliver the man who is her husband . Her mother didn't. I am very close to my DIL. I live 10 minutes walk away. I don't expect to be treated any differently. I know exactly how a cesarean feels and what the recovery is like.

@beginnerwitch on the loss of your MIL.

I agree with your sentiment, you just don’t know what’s ahead in life. Did I want to spend three hours in a car a few days post-section to visit my dying parent? No, but that’s what life throws at you sometimes.

And that’s not to make you feel bad OP, but I think especially with pregnancy and birth we feel the need to over-plan every aspect - but it’s just not possible sometimes. Breastfeeding may not work - that’s totally fine. You may feel up for long visits, you may not. (Bringing food is always welcome, especially if they tidy up!). They will have the exact same focus as you - your new baby.
Hopefully your DH and MIL will ‘read the room’ sufficiently to know when you are over having visitors - maybe get him to set up some conversations about great things to do in London that they can go to as well as visit you all.
And yes, take yourself off to bed if it’s all too much! Best of luck x

I do think you are sensible to think how post birth will look. Does husband have any idea how it might be eg if he’s thinking baby just needs feeding every 3 hours he might have no idea. Also he might think taking baby is a break but not realising in early days it’s last thing you want to be separated and you need to get breastfeeding established.
You’ll be skin on skin/boobs out a lot/feeding. How does he see that working with step dad there.
You’ll be recovering from surgery and tired.
I’d communicate with him then work out a plan.

@AngelinaFibres everyone’s experience of a c section is different. Just because your close to your dil it doesn’t mean you get treated the same as her actual mum does. Nor does it mean you can empathise more with her c section because you had one.

Why you’d feel more entitled to that just because you had a c section and her own mum didn’t I have no idea.

@2022HereWeCome

It is not your concern to treat everyone fairly OP. You need to do what's best for you, DH and your new arrival. And for those posters who think distance is not an issue - it can be. Where I live, you cannot leave booking accommodation until the last minute because there's either no availability or it's hundreds of £s a night

Totally agree.

Was also going to say this is clearly making you anxious. You have to fully discuss that that you have to play it by ear, you don't know how you will feel, what breastfeeding will be like etc.. so get your DH to agree that you will go with the flow,
If you find you are feeling great and want visitors, that's fine, but if you feel that's the very last thing in the world that you want, then that's fine too, but he has to be there to support you and stand up for you and not leave it all to you to be the "bad guy" Agree with him up front that for example you won't want them taking the baby out in the pram without asking you first (if that is a thing) and that they must respect your wishes.
Basically if you are fretting and worrying about things that might happen, have a chat with DH and give him a chance to understand. If he knows that's one of your concerns he can stand up for you. Knowing that he would is sometimes all you need to be more relaxed about everything and would stop you worrying. Nothing unnatural or precious about feeling protective of a new born, but also nothing wrong with talking through these issues and finding solutions in advance between the two of you so that you are both on the same page for any visitors.
Maybe a tactful chat with the in laws upfront with so that they understand you are playing it by ear, seeing what the birth is like and how you feel afterwards would help them be understanding
talk to your MIL about what it was like for her to jog her memory.
Equally I think the idea that your DM had two hours with the baby on Monday at 10 am so the MIL must have two hours with baby at the same time the next day, is more about people pleasing rather than focusing on your needs and baby's needs in the immediate aftermath of the birth.
You can also reassure all of them that they won't be missing out as of course you will be sharing pics and videos or zooms of the baby as soon as they arrive. I think that your worries and issues can be solved with communication and support from your DH being on the same page as you. Best of luck and congrats

[quote Staryflight445]@AngelinaFibres do you have like… a driving hours card type set up or something?
Ooh you spent an extra minute with the grandchild I’m soooo devastated.

🙄[/quote]
No idea what you mean. Sorry, off to see my grandson. Byeeee

OP as a granny myself I can tell you that your MIL will just be delighted to be included in any way you choose. If you invite them over for an hour, she will be pleased. If you ask her to pick up some supplies on the way over, she will be delighted. If you ask her to make you a cuppa, she will feel like she is of some use. Just let them be a small part of the beginning of the journey with your new little one. There are years and years to work out the rest.

Of course you don’t have to entertain them. Get your husband to chat to them and explain how you are feeling- gently. I’m absolutely sure she will totally understand.

@VainAbigail

That's their grandchild, and their son's baby

they are equal grandparents

These two statements I totally agree with.

^^This

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff That was such a kind post - thank you.
@MayMorris Our flat is four rooms, one of which is the bathroom. I think I'd be less anxious if we had more space.

@Holly60

OP as a granny myself I can tell you that your MIL will just be delighted to be included in any way you choose. If you invite them over for an hour, she will be pleased. If you ask her to pick up some supplies on the way over, she will be delighted. If you ask her to make you a cuppa, she will feel like she is of some use. Just let them be a small part of the beginning of the journey with your new little one. There are years and years to work out the rest.

Of course you don’t have to entertain them. Get your husband to chat to them and explain how you are feeling- gently. I’m absolutely sure she will totally understand.

This , in spades

They are equal grandparents you’re right, but at the end of the day when your daughter has given birth and wants her mum around as her mum first, you can’t begrudge her from being there or make it a competition between her and the other grandparent.

@Holly60 You're probably right - and I guess offering something has got to be better than nothing. I'm probably running the risk of making things worse by overthinking.

Who knows how you feel so very sensible to see how it's going. I didn't real the full thread but could suggesting they come earlier might work? While you're in the hospital they can get time limited visits and you get some company, then DH can spend time with them/they can sightsee in London. You come home from hospital, they pop over for an afternoon visit and at anytime you can politely say you're feeling very tired and they can go to their hotel or you can take baby to the room. Last morning visit and then they can go home happy having seen their grandchild, DH had some company and you can then push back the next visit until you're up for it.

Oh FGS the OP is not a public attraction who has to grant equal access visiting rights!

She’s a woman having her first child (a HUUUGE thing physically, emotionally and mentally) who may need her mum or another close family member/support person during the very early days when she’s not up to seeing others. Her DH will also have a lot on his plate, so her having that extra support is also good for him.

That really isn’t so difficult to grasp and any in laws worth their salt will understand that.

Hope it all works out OP. You sound very sensible and it’s totally right to set those expectations in advance xxx

I appreciate I’m an outlier but I was happy to have my aunt and PIL visit me in hospital and they saw me several times a week after both.

I found it very helpful, reassuring, and appreciated being able to rest a bit whilst they fussed the baby.

I think see how you are afterwards and decide.

That's their grandchild, and their son's baby

they are equal grandparents

I agree with this up to a point, but more important than both of these statements is: that’s OP’s body, and physical state, and emotional state.

Grandparents’ wants are not equal to OP’s wants and needs.

Do whatever makes you comfortable and least anxious, OP: no one actually needs to meet a newborn baby, they just like it. But you’re the one giving birth and learning to breastfeed and recovering, so your needs take priority, even if it seems “mean” to the grandparents.

I also think it’s perfectly OK to want your own parents more and to prioritise them: both sets of parents might be equal grandparents to the baby, but they’re not equal parents to you, the person tits akimbo squirting milk everywhere in a raging hormonal and sleepless fug thinking “WTF just happened to my life?” You’re allowed to have your mum there while putting off your in-laws for a bit. You’re not just a piece of meat who got the baby here and now can be discarded and everything’s all about equal access to the baby: you’re a human with wants and needs, which might include relative strangers keeping their distance until you decide you can cope with it.

I was in pretty much the same situation when DD was born. PIL booked a hotel for a whole week around my due date. I hated the pressure of them just sitting there, waiting for me to have the baby. They are the type to outstay their welcome and be unhelpful. They defo don't remember whats it's like from having my DH!

When DD arrived via CS, DH and I said PIL could come for set 2 hours per day. They were definitely miffed but we had to prioritise our new family. In the end, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be and they stayed a few hours longer. I just left the room if I needed a break. Luckily, DH finds them as annoying as me so could gatekeep.

You absolutely have to do what's right for you.

[quote LittleGwyneth]@DuckbilledSplatterPuff That was such a kind post - thank you.
@MayMorris Our flat is four rooms, one of which is the bathroom. I think I'd be less anxious if we had more space.[/quote]
Ok, that is definitely more tricky . Take your point.
Question- would you be more at ease if t was just MIL at this stage?

YANBU to be nervous about having people who yoh don't know well visit when you'll be extremely vulnerable. It's completely different having a near stranger visit you than your mum. I wasn't particularly close with MIL when I had my first and I felt like I needed to appear to be more put together than I wanted to be, she visited for hours on end.

In situations like this there's no right or wrong. Just set some boundaries. Say maybe come down a week later, and make it clear how long your happy for them to visit for and how many visits a day. Practice saying, 'baby is ready for mummy' in case they're particularly handsy.

If they turn up and you feel differently you can change your mind.

I don't think you're unreasonable. I wouldn't like having ILs to stay when I have just given birth. They can visit when you are ready - because it's you who has just gone through the ordeal of birth, you whose body will be recovering, you who will be trying to establish breastfeeding, you whose hormones are all over the shop.

That doesn't mean your MIL can't be an equal grandparent but why the rush? Her husband is neither here nor there as he isn't a grandparent.

@LittleGwyneth

To clarify, if there was an option for them to come to the hospital, meet the baby and then go home, and then visit a week or so later, I would be delighted with that.

The issue is that it's going to be a compacted amount of time and the idea of having people in my four room flat (one bathroom) for 5-6 hours a day is making me feel very uncomfortable. I'm trying to get a sense of whether we can reasonably say, please pop in for an hour or two a couple of times a day for 2-3 days, but that's as much as we're up to.

@MsTSwift I don't think the idea of having some boundaries is that wild. I've already told my family that I don't want to pass the baby around, no-one kissing her.

I missed this OP. Yes you absolutely can. As a MIL I love that my DIL can be honest with me about what she needs. I wanted to be included and useful, not a burden.

You say you don’t know her well. By the end of the visit you might find you know her a bit better, and you might find you can really rely on her and be grateful for her.

@AngelinaFibres
God forbid your son has major surgery or a debilitating illness and wants his mum around while he recovers with stitches, constipation and leaking orifices.
It is only fair his MIL is there as much as you.

Can’t the “fair sharesies” brigade get their heads around the fact that the mother’s mum, possibly dad, is supporting their recovering child, not getting first dibs on the grandchild? Yes they may therefore be around the grandchild more as a result but that isn’t their purpose or focus.

Have they not the empathy to compass the fact that someone might feel more comfortable being tearful, knackered and sore and ratty around their own mum than they would around their partner’s mum? Our relationships with our own parents are normally more resilient than with our in-laws and less likely to be damaged permanently by stress and fatigue related snappiness or retreating to the bedroom for hours.

Thank god my in-laws weren’t like this. Thank god my daughter’s future in-laws won’t be like this. They live closer so will probably see future grandchildren more than me but I can’t imagine lovely Debbie putting her bottom lip out if DD1 needs me around more in the first weeks. I won’t be putting my bottom lip out if DD1 doesn’t need me around more in the first weeks. Our relationships with our grandchild will be the work of months and years, not a sprint to “win” the first few weeks when the baby itself is oblivious.

It’s not a competition.

I think that knowing when your baby is arriving is a bit of a red herring. You don’t know for sure how long you will be in hospital. 5 days post birth you may still be establishing feeding and settling back in at home.
So I would suggest that they don’t book anything in advance and instead wait until your baby is here before agreeing any firm plans. You might be home on Day 3, feeling great anf keen to see people or you might still be in hospital recovering,