It's another in-laws post birth thread

[LittleGwyneth]

I have genuinely tried to find other threads to get answers to this, but couldn't find any.

Having a baby in a few weeks, via planned section - only really relevant as it means we will know the date the baby is going to be born.

We live in central London, my parents live about an hour outside of London and my siblings live about half an hour away. My DH's family live about a 4-5 hour drive away.

My MIL is a lovely, practical, kind person. But I don't know her that well. She doesn't really come to London, so in the nearly ten years I've been with my husband I've probably spent 2-3 days with her, twice a year. I like her, but it's certainly not like having a second mum. Her husband, my FIL, is not my husband's father and is fairly irritating. The type to share politically incorrect memes on Facebook.

They want to come and visit us 'as soon as possible' when the baby is born. They're very happy to stay in a hotel nearby, which is good as we won't have a spare room by the time the baby is born. My question is: AIBU to want to wait a bit?

My husband is fairly clueless on all this (and I'm absolutely no expert) so when we talked about it he suggested 'about five days' after the baby is born. To me that sounds very soon, in terms of the fact that I'll presumably be bleeding and lactating a lot.

If PIL lived an hour away they'd pop down, meet the baby, then go home, and I'd be very happy with that. But because it's a big journey and they're spending two nights in a hotel (which won't be cheap), it seems like they're going to be around a lot. And I just don't know at what point you have to put your big girl pants on and accept that there are people you don't know that well in your space, holding your baby, or whether it's fair to say look, I need a couple of weeks?

I don't want to be that woman who lets her own mum meet the baby on day 3 of life and holds off the in-laws. But equally I don't want them to travel all the way to London and then be upset that they only get to see the baby for an hour a day - or that I'm not 100% sure how I'll feel about other people holding her at that stage.

Does anyone have any insight as to when they would have been ready to have visitors? Or how many hours a day would be reasonable to expect to receive people who've made a big journey and spent money to visit you?

You are the one calling the shots here, the first few posts "that is their grandchild" well that's lovely but op will be the one who has just had major surgery and she is the MOTHER this is her child. If she doesn't want people around under her feet just after she has given birth she doesn't have to have them round. On day 5 you'll be producing milk and sitting around breastfeeding lots, I actually felt worse before I felt better, day 5 was tough, you'll also have a midwife visit day 5 too. You could actually still be in hospital by that point if things don't go smoothly (hopefully not the case but its possible). I just wouldn't make any promises and I'd avoid sharing the date you are having the baby, if anything move it back slightly so people aren't waiting for news on the day.

Your mental and physical health are priority here, not letting everyone else having their lion King moment getting their hands on your baby as soon as it's existed your womb with no consideration for you. If you want your mum to come over, she can, it's up to you, stop trying to please other people at the detriment of what you want and need.

Stand your ground on this one! I got myself all worked up before our baby was born. He was a planned section too and we didn’t tell anyone when or how he was coming prior to it. His family only usually visit maybe max 4 times a year, they’re an hours drive but aren’t the type to ask us to go out for a nice meal or anything so really don’t make much effort to see us. The only thing I said before the baby was born was that I hoped it wasn’t all of a sudden like they were interested in us purely because we now had a baby.

I asked DH to put off their visit as much as possible because they’re totally not like my family at all and visits are very formal. I’d never seen them without makeup on so I was determined not to have to be lying there looking a state and have them making an upsetting comment when I was already feeling terrible. DH phoned them on speaker a few days after baby was born and said I wasn’t really ready for visitors yet. His mum said in a half joking/half horrible way ‘we’re not coming to see her, we’re coming to see the baby’. This comment for me just set the tone for the entire thing from then on. I think we managed to hold them back til day 3 but yes, I was bleeding, a lot! I had double layered my maternity pads and still felt like I was outside my own body during the entire conversation just saying to myself I so hope I haven’t bled through onto the sofa. They came, didn’t bring a present, didn’t offer to bring food, didn’t offer to do anything to help and stayed for 3 and a half hours. I was absolutely knackered and was just staring through the glass doors into the kitchen at the clock thinking please leave now, please leave now. They repeatedly passed the baby back and forwards between them and I so wanted him back. My biggest regret isn’t just standing up and taking him and saying we needed to go upstairs for a sleep now.

When they left I cried and said to DH that it wasn’t happening again and I couldn’t cope with how overbearing they are. He agreed and said it was way too long. Three days later the same thing happened again. His dad then started phoning his sister at hour 3 of the visit asking if she wanted to come to our house to see ‘the baby’. As if we were hosting some sort of open house event. For a couple of weeks they were persistent at coming, taking close up pictures of his face and posting them on Facebook without asking then as soon as he hit 2/3 months they completely lost interest. He’s now 7 months and they haven’t seen him in 2 months. I really don’t see anything wrong with my mum seeing any future baby first since she’s the one I rely on day in day out to help with everything. It should be relative to what your life is pre-baby, how much these people respect and help you in life and not just this set of social rules you have to follow where you just have to allow people to walk over the top of you when you’re literally at your most vulnerable

I live 4/5 hours drive from London. If they can come by direct train/plane it will be far less tiring on them!

Either that or combine visiting with doing a leisure trip/outings so the visit isn't just about meeting their grandchild. If they still work that is much more difficult though.

I agree with not organising anything until afterwards.

If you would then feel up to them visiting in hospital-could they stay at yours with your husband for a couple of nights & then the hotel visit when you are back & feel up to it?

You might also feel that they could have more than an hour or two a day with you by then.

There are all equally GPs-but I didn't love or trust my ILs like I did my parents.

It's my Mum I would have wanted to help me post surgery-so if that means that MIL sees baby later then so be it imo.

There's plenty of time for MIL to see her GC.

Initially it's about what the mother wants & who she feels comfortable with.

Refundable rooms or waiting until baby here before booking is sensible. I was still in hospital with DD 8 days post birth (not a c section) I’d had a straightforward pregnancy.

@Brefugee "Going to get slated here but actually, not in my view. However that's mostly because i think that when your own mum comes to visit you after a birth they are as much about you (or should be) as the baby. I know my mum was, whereas my inlaws were 95% about holding the baby and 5% wondering why i was staggering around like a zombie."

Sorry, I disagree with this. They aren't your grandparents. They are the child's grandparents. So I'm unsure why you think they aren't equal grandparents, just because your mum focuses attention on YOU than your MIL does. Strange take on that tbh.

This thread is starting to remind me of the time after dc1 was born. Not because of PILs visiting. Because of the massive chorus of different randoms all telling the mum she's doing it wrong, she should be doing X, she should be doing Y, with no two people having the same opinion. Took me a while back then to realise that it was mostly just a load of know-it-alls.

@willwewontwe I am so sorry that happened to you - that sounds absolutely horrible.

I really fretted about random stuff late pregnancy. Definitely chill out about it it’s impossible to know how you will feel. You might be glad of them and want them to visit. If it’s not working out at the time you can just retire to bed with the baby and your Dh can just say you tired and feeling dodge and send them away. No one can argue with that or feel aggrieved!

I think the first few posters were a bit unreasonable here. You'll have had a c-section. You have no idea how the recovery will be. Also, many many mothers struggle with breast feeding to begin with. There's so much to get used to and you'll be incapacitated. I don't think it's unreasonable at all to suggest a good fortnight just you and your husband to get used to things and make a bit of a recovery before seeing people, especially since you're not close.

[quote shrimpbarbie]@Brefugee "Going to get slated here but actually, not in my view. However that's mostly because i think that when your own mum comes to visit you after a birth they are as much about you (or should be) as the baby. I know my mum was, whereas my inlaws were 95% about holding the baby and 5% wondering why i was staggering around like a zombie."

Sorry, I disagree with this. They aren't your grandparents. They are the child's grandparents. So I'm unsure why you think they aren't equal grandparents, just because your mum focuses attention on YOU than your MIL does. Strange take on that tbh. [/quote]
No it's not.

Just after giving birth is as much about the new mum as it is about the baby.

Nobody would ordinarily have inlaws they barely know visit for hours at a time days after abdominal surgery. Lots of people would have their mum come over to look after them though.

OP, I don't think you're unreasonable to want boundaries and space. However I do think it is massively unfair to allow one set of grandparents to come and go, whilst making the other set wait weeks.

They already know to book a hotel, so I think all you need to do is be honest with them. Let them know that you are excited for them to visit and meet the baby, but that you, your partner and the baby will need space. They're only coming for 2 days. So I'd imagine a couple of hours one morning, then they go out around london for the afternoon, then back for a take away. Then the next day they can call for a couple of hours in the afternoon or something. They don't need to be there for hours on end, but you just have to be honest and tell them that.

They aren't strangers, they're your husbands parents and your child's grandparents.

One thing I only knew after I had my first baby, is that a newborn baby is a unique thing and the baby will never be the same after the first day or two. And the way newborns interact with people is so funny and sweet, the bemused look in their eyes. And the newborn smell is heavenly. So it's really special to be able to meet a baby on his first day of being introduced to the world and grandparents love that.

On the other hand, they already had children and this is your turn. So whatever works for you is the most important thing.

It is not abnormal for a grandparent to only see the baby for an hour at a time the first few weeks, and most of that time the baby is asleep anyway! But it's enough. So don't feel they have to be there all afternoon. Maybe if they are in town for a few days, they can be there for a couple hours at a time, twice a day, something like that.

It's important for them and for your husband to be aware that supporting you is the top priority.

In some ways, coming in the first week after birth might be easier because some babies sleep a lot that first week, and if you had a reasonably easy labor, you will still have some reserve from not having started from a point of sleep-deprivation. Then you get progressively more sleep-deprived until you feel like you're going to die. So having visitors after a week, two weeks, a month, might not feel better.

If you have a difficult labor or any sort of injury during the birth, then all bets are off and any family members need to adjust to whatever you need. They are mainly there to GIVE their love to the baby, not GET from the baby.

Also be aware of the baby's immature immune system. No kissing, even though it's tempting. Wash hands before touching baby always. If they are sick, then sorry, will have to wait until well.

I'm really surprised by some of the messages in this thread and don't think you're being unreasonable at all. I think it's lovely they want to come and the fact they are staying in a hotel bodes well but since you don't know them so well, boundaries and managing expectations is very sensible.

For context, I had my baby 6 days ago. My in-laws are coming to visit today and they are flying in from Ireland. I know them much better than you seem to know your in-laws. They are staying for a couple of hours today and a couple of hours tomorrow for tea and biscuits and cooing, certainly not all day everyday (Their choice) . However, I'm not sure I would have coped having them yesterday (5 days PP) because I was struggling with feeding and beside myself with tiredness. Also I had a completely easy birth with no complications or interventions, a c-section will be a different experience.

I would ask them to give it at least a week, coming in for times that suit you and DP tidies and hosts making it clear you will sneak away for feeds if needed and if that's what you want.

@MsTSwift

You sound quite paranoid “set some boundaries” what do you think they are going to do - nick your baby?!

Yeah exactly, there's only so many boundaries grandparents who live 5 hours away can really cross.

@WeDontShutUpAboutBruno I completely understand that, and I fully agree. However my reply was to the poster stating they disagreed that the two grandparents are equal.

They are equal, they're both equally the child's grandparents.

Yes, in terms of how close mum is to her own parents, that's completely different, and it's great if a mum has support like that. However that doesn't make them superior grandparents, because the mum is closer to them than she is the in laws.

I was in pretty much the same situation when DD was born. PIL booked a hotel for a whole week around my due date. I hated the pressure of them just sitting there, waiting for me to have the baby.
Oh GOD would anything be less conducive to oxytocin and calm birth vibes than PIL at the Travellodge, champing at the bit! My MIL stuck to daily “we’re on tender hooks [sic]” texts from 38 weeks to 42+2 when DD finally showed up, but at least she physically stayed away, and DP didn’t show me the texts til afterwards.

Come to think of it, OP: that’s one of DP’s jobs. As well as being your birth partner and advocating for you in hospital, DPs and DHs are the gatekeeper to you, their role is to keep the in-law and other visitor pressure off, recognise when you’re feeling overwhelmed or need to be topless and wrestling with a frantic mewling newborn who’s not figured out its latch yet, boot people out the house when you need to do a scary post-partum poo, etc. The mechanics of other people visiting and any disappointment on their end should be kept away from you. Your job: milk, no sleep, holding on to your tummy so your insides don’t fall out while pooing, not sleeping some more, a bit more not sleeping, a few good hormonal crying jags, eating and drinking for england. DP’s job: manage the visiting rosta and playing bouncer.

@MulberryBush700

Your PIL aren't visitors. They are family. I think YABU here for wanting to hold off on the visit, especially since they won't even be staying with you. Will you also cut visiting times of your side of the family and not let your parents hold the baby, and your siblings? Or is it just the PIL you are not comfortable with?

Let them come, let them help look after you & baby. Communication really is key though, make sure they know you will not be playing hosts and you shouldn't feel bad if you have to say you & baby need time and have to take yourselves to bed, for a rest etc.
I was so grateful for family being around me. I had a planned section and whilst I wasn't in agony, I was certainly uncomfortable and limited with movements etc leaving DH to do literally everything for the first couple of week. Having our families around also meant help for him in look after us.

It does take a village, OP. You'll see.

These kind of comments really piss me off. Not everybody is lucky enough to have family are super close to. Many people are somewhat estranged, or have difficult strained relationships, not to mention toxic relationships with family. It's no use saying "it takes a village" if the OP is never going to be comfortable with, for example, her husbands step father looking after her baby.

You know what you feel comfortable with OP, so trust your gut.

After a section, you may only barely be moving around and only just out of hospital by then!

Everyone's recovery varies (mine own 2 did massively) but don't underestimate the physical recovery of a section.

On the other hand, they can be potentially useful, cleaning cooking etc? If you visit that early, you HAVE to he prepared to properly help out and certainly not be waited on. A few cuddles to give you a break too, plus it will mean so much to them. But it has to he on your terms, you will still be in recovery mode.

It's no use saying "it takes a village" if the OP is never going to be comfortable with, for example, her husbands step father looking after her baby.
Yes! A village of, say, my FIL who refused to hold the baby so I could shower (“Oh, I’ve never done that”) and refused to make himself at home and get his own cups of tea or food so DP had to run around catering to them and leaving me to flail through conversational silences because the man just does not speak, except to announce his toilet visits, is not actually a helpful village.

@JenniferBarkley

Gently, YABU. That's their grandchild, and their son's baby. Welcome them, for more than an hour a day, and preserve the relationship. Remember they are equal grandparents and just as excited as your side. Waiting five days when they're a car drive away seems like a long time to me.

You've said they're nice, they're staying in a hotel. I've had two sections and was fine with visitors. Unless they're assholes no one will expect much of you and if it all gets too much just bring the baby to your room for a feed. Your husband can be on tea duty.

One of my loveliest memories is of MIL meeting my first in the hospital. She asked if she could pick the baby up and when I said of course the joy lit up her face. She's a fantastic grandmother and my children adore her. I would hate to have put roadblocks in their relationship.

It might be a long few days, but you can do it and it will be worth it in the long run. Don't take MN as the norm, you're going to get a thread full of horror stories but you've no reason to think your ILs will be like that and in most families everyone just rubs along.

This

I had my son on the Wednesday, discharged from hospital on Thursday. My mum came over Thursday afternoon/evening, both my parents came over Friday, my best friend & MIL on the Saturday then my brother, SIL, neice, nephew, Mum & FIL on the Sunday.

All of them live local apart from my FIL. He lives in London and we are in Dorset so he spent 3 hours driving down, spent 5 hours at our house then went home again.

I was tired by the end of the Sunday but its been peaceful ever since as everyone who matters has met him. Its the first grandchild for my in laws so naturallt they were excited. I gave birth naturally but had a second degree tear so was in pain with the stitches but still didnt find it too bad.

The fair-sharesies brigade are unsurprisingly also often advocates of the transactional “reap what you sow” threat. So if DD1 wants to spend her husband’s precious paternity leave just the two of them with their new baby, I get to tell her to go swivel when that baby is a demanding toddler and she’d like a break….

Ooh! But then I if I don’t commit to providing regular free childcare so they can work, then THEY get to leave me rot in my own filth when I’m elderly ….

What a way to live your life! I think I’ll just leave the ledger blank and try to support my children and their partners in the best way for them and enjoy them and my grandchildren over the years.

Each person is different but assuming the section goes well there's no reason to wait. I had visitors the day after I came home with both my sections and we went out to lunch with friends a day after that - breastfed in public got that out of the way!
I'm not that social but believe me babies are pretty darn dull and I welcomed the distraction and it was nice people were happy to come to me.

Don't underestimate the value of having someone at home during the day to fend off visitors for that first few weeks. I was like a rottweiler when DD had hers...... visitors just kept turning up unannounced, so I'd make tea, set a timer for 45 minutes then boot them out again or send DD upstairs to rest.

FIL doesn't need to be there if he's not the biological grandparent...... but if she's kind and will support DH, I'd be rolling out the red carpet.