Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It's another in-laws post birth thread

434 replies

LittleGwyneth · 22/03/2022 10:12

I have genuinely tried to find other threads to get answers to this, but couldn't find any.

Having a baby in a few weeks, via planned section - only really relevant as it means we will know the date the baby is going to be born.

We live in central London, my parents live about an hour outside of London and my siblings live about half an hour away. My DH's family live about a 4-5 hour drive away.

My MIL is a lovely, practical, kind person. But I don't know her that well. She doesn't really come to London, so in the nearly ten years I've been with my husband I've probably spent 2-3 days with her, twice a year. I like her, but it's certainly not like having a second mum. Her husband, my FIL, is not my husband's father and is fairly irritating. The type to share politically incorrect memes on Facebook.

They want to come and visit us 'as soon as possible' when the baby is born. They're very happy to stay in a hotel nearby, which is good as we won't have a spare room by the time the baby is born. My question is: AIBU to want to wait a bit?

My husband is fairly clueless on all this (and I'm absolutely no expert) so when we talked about it he suggested 'about five days' after the baby is born. To me that sounds very soon, in terms of the fact that I'll presumably be bleeding and lactating a lot.

If PIL lived an hour away they'd pop down, meet the baby, then go home, and I'd be very happy with that. But because it's a big journey and they're spending two nights in a hotel (which won't be cheap), it seems like they're going to be around a lot. And I just don't know at what point you have to put your big girl pants on and accept that there are people you don't know that well in your space, holding your baby, or whether it's fair to say look, I need a couple of weeks?

I don't want to be that woman who lets her own mum meet the baby on day 3 of life and holds off the in-laws. But equally I don't want them to travel all the way to London and then be upset that they only get to see the baby for an hour a day - or that I'm not 100% sure how I'll feel about other people holding her at that stage.

Does anyone have any insight as to when they would have been ready to have visitors? Or how many hours a day would be reasonable to expect to receive people who've made a big journey and spent money to visit you?

OP posts:
Mariposista · 22/03/2022 12:34

@MariaOnCorrie

It is all about you and your baby, with DH looking after you both. You need to set it up right for your family, not pander to other adults’ idle wants and needs

Other adults? Idle wants and needs? They are your family FGS.

Agree. I reckon a lot of the conflicts between MIL and new mothers is because in the MIL era, women weren’t so bloody needy!
Staryflight445 · 22/03/2022 12:35

@Peaseblossum22 if a grandparent can’t understand that a c section is incredibly difficult to recover from and who doesn’t remember how difficult it is a transition from going from no child to having one, and insist on visiting straight away and don’t have any respect to wait. I’d say the parents have had a lucky escape anyway.

Thejoyfulstar · 22/03/2022 12:35

I think a key thing is to remove any notion that you have to perform or entertain and be at peace with very much being yourself as a woman who just had a baby/surgery. I had my parents and in laws stay with me very soon after having my babies and I did my thing and it was all very laid back. Boobs out, mess everywhere. It was all very chilled. In fact it was quite bonding to chat to my mum and mother in law respectively as a new mother now myself. My MIL was really empathetic and understood more about how I was feeling than my husband. I guess it depends on everyone's personalities but I decided that I was going to just be myself and do what I had to do and everyone else could fit around it. I did and nobody batted an eyelid. I also think it's nice to make these early memories as a wider family unit and kind of cements a deeper relationship with the in laws. It did in my case anyway.

Katela18 · 22/03/2022 12:36

Personally I don't think you are being unreasonable to want time the first few days after birth to get settled and start to feel better. I had a c section and recovery is painful.

However, I think the distance is a red herring here. If you are going to stop visitors the same needs to apply to everyone, it will cause issues if you allow some family and not others regardless of distance. So if you want the first week to yourselves thats fine but should apply to your family too.

Chloemol · 22/03/2022 12:36

[quote LittleGwyneth]@JenniferBarkley When you say more than an hour a day - how much time per day seems reasonable? I sort of want it to just be me, DH and the baby for the first week or so, but if that's unreasonable I'd like to try and set some boundaries which are fair.[/quote]
You can set expectations around this, as long as your family stay away as well

If they don’t then that’s not fair on his parents

Original poster
LittleGwyneth · 22/03/2022 12:36

@angelinafibres I don't think asking for a week - ten days to adjust is keeping people away, per se. And I have said I'd be very happy for them to visit in the hospital, if they're willing to make that very long journey for just an hour a day of visiting. But if we do ask them to wait ten days I won't be keeping 'everyone' away. I want/need my mum around, which I think is a bit different. Of course we won't have loads of friends and distant family to visit if we're not having PIL.

OP posts:
AngelinaFibres · 22/03/2022 12:36

[quote LittleGwyneth]@JenniferBarkley When you say more than an hour a day - how much time per day seems reasonable? I sort of want it to just be me, DH and the baby for the first week or so, but if that's unreasonable I'd like to try and set some boundaries which are fair.[/quote]
An hour each day is completely fair.....as long as your mum isn't there for 5. That's totally unfair

Staryflight445 · 22/03/2022 12:37

@AngelinaFibres

Op if you are going to keep people away then keep everyone, bar your husband away. It is not fair to let your parents hold the baby and spend time with him/her but expect the other grandparents to stay away. That is cruel
It really isn’t cruel for her to have her mother there first, her mother birthed her and will be concerned about her daughter after having a c section and a child. She’s there as a parent first.

It isn’t a competition. I have a son, I would totally respect this, because I’m an adult and not bloody entitled over other peoples children. It isn’t a competition.
The baby hasn’t got a clue who anyone is, bar mum. Why would anyone be jealous of that?

Original poster
LittleGwyneth · 22/03/2022 12:38

@Chloemol We are much, much closer to my family. We spend one weekend a month at their house, whereas we see PIL 2/3 times a year. So I do think that makes a bit of a difference. It's also v different because my parents can pop down for an hour and then leave, and I can tell them to bugger off when I feel like it. I'd also be able to get my boobs out in front of my mum or tell her I want her to leave because I need to use the loo in privacy. None of which is true of the in laws.

All of that said, I'm not trying to favour my parents anymore than we already do because we're closer to them, and if PIL are willing to make the long drive for short visits then they will be welcomed as often as they want. I just don't think I can do hours and hours on end.

OP posts:
Chloemol · 22/03/2022 12:39

[quote LittleGwyneth]@angelinafibres I don't think asking for a week - ten days to adjust is keeping people away, per se. And I have said I'd be very happy for them to visit in the hospital, if they're willing to make that very long journey for just an hour a day of visiting. But if we do ask them to wait ten days I won't be keeping 'everyone' away. I want/need my mum around, which I think is a bit different. Of course we won't have loads of friends and distant family to visit if we're not having PIL.[/quote]
Sorry I disagree with this

Either no one comes, so you are fair to everyone, or you accept visitors

As it is it’s likely your parents will see this grandchild more due to the fact they live nearer, so you will have to be prepared for longer visits to or from his parents

You may have given birth to the child, but it’s not just yours, it’s also your partners and he may want his parents to see the baby just as soon as your parents

Your mil may also be ablr and willing to help out as well

Crunched · 22/03/2022 12:39

What a lovely post Peaseblossum22.

I sort of want it to just be me, DH and the baby for the first week or so
As long as this is equally applied to your parents as well. Don't start a lifetime of your IL's feeling second best.

AngelinaFibres · 22/03/2022 12:39

[quote LittleGwyneth]@angelinafibres I don't think asking for a week - ten days to adjust is keeping people away, per se. And I have said I'd be very happy for them to visit in the hospital, if they're willing to make that very long journey for just an hour a day of visiting. But if we do ask them to wait ten days I won't be keeping 'everyone' away. I want/need my mum around, which I think is a bit different. Of course we won't have loads of friends and distant family to visit if we're not having PIL.[/quote]
Nope. As the mother of a son whose wife has just had baby ,that would break my heart. It would be absolute agony to know that the other granny was there for hours on end and I was allowed one visit in the hospital and then nothing. Your husband's parents have just become grandparents. They are absolutely equal in this

Original poster
LittleGwyneth · 22/03/2022 12:39

@AngelinaFibres I think it's more that my mum lives close so can come and go, so she will only stay an hour or two at a time but she can do that twice a week for the next year if she wants, whereas MIL won't have that option so will understandably want to spend longer chunks of time here.

OP posts:
Staryflight445 · 22/03/2022 12:39

You don’t even need to justify that op.

People are being ridiculous.

Chloemol · 22/03/2022 12:40

[quote LittleGwyneth]@Chloemol We are much, much closer to my family. We spend one weekend a month at their house, whereas we see PIL 2/3 times a year. So I do think that makes a bit of a difference. It's also v different because my parents can pop down for an hour and then leave, and I can tell them to bugger off when I feel like it. I'd also be able to get my boobs out in front of my mum or tell her I want her to leave because I need to use the loo in privacy. None of which is true of the in laws.

All of that said, I'm not trying to favour my parents anymore than we already do because we're closer to them, and if PIL are willing to make the long drive for short visits then they will be welcomed as often as they want. I just don't think I can do hours and hours on end.[/quote]
So glad you are not my daughter in law

You are being very nasty to your in laws who will no doubt want to see their grandchild for more than an hour before being kicked out

2022HereWeCome · 22/03/2022 12:40

It is not your concern to treat everyone fairly OP. You need to do what's best for you, DH and your new arrival. And for those posters who think distance is not an issue - it can be. Where I live, you cannot leave booking accommodation until the last minute because there's either no availability or it's hundreds of £s a night

MarvelMrs · 22/03/2022 12:41

I think you are absolutely fine to ask them to wait and come a week or so after the birth. That will not harm any future relationship. You may not feel like visitors until that stage and it is better to be prepared than have a disastrous visit too early.
I would talk to your MIL and explain how nervous you are feeling and ask if they could book some things to entertain themselves as well as visiting so you don’t feel burdened with entertaining. So perhaps they visit for coffee in the morning, go out for lunch and then visit for the afternoon then go to the theatre or the cinema. That sort of thing.
Communication is the key here.

7eleven · 22/03/2022 12:41

I think it’s really important that the grandparents get treated equally. Don’t make your mil wait any longer than your mum.

BellatrixOnABadDay · 22/03/2022 12:41

[quote Staryflight445]@Peaseblossum22 if a grandparent can’t understand that a c section is incredibly difficult to recover from and who doesn’t remember how difficult it is a transition from going from no child to having one, and insist on visiting straight away and don’t have any respect to wait. I’d say the parents have had a lucky escape anyway.[/quote]
1- C-sections aren't always difficult to recover from - especially if ELCS. Mine weren't. My iron was low during pregnancy and after birth and I had baby blues around day 4-5.
2- I think a week is perfectly reasonable to ask people to wait- and longer if need be depending on how things have gone, but also, 5 days or whatever is hardly demanding to see the baby immediately.

OP can't possibly know how it will go yet. I find these threads often whip up such hostility- particularly towards paternal grandparents. I say that as someone who never got on with my now thankfully ex in-laws.

MarvelMrs · 22/03/2022 12:43

I also think you sound lovely and kind and that you are trying to consider your MIL’s feelings. You wouldn’t have posted for advice if you didn’t care.

Staryflight445 · 22/03/2022 12:43

@AngelinaFibres in laws are not equal to the parents of the person who has just given birth. Their priority is their daughter, if you can’t understand that, that’s your problem.

BeanyBops · 22/03/2022 12:43

I don't think YABU at all and I do think that grandparents can have very odd ideas about a 'right' to see a baby.

Those early days are very difficult to predict, expecially with your first. You just don't know how you will feel, whether you will want to enjoy the newborn bubble just the three of you for the first week or whether the first hour is enough before you'll be wanting to show the baby off!!

I told all family not to expect immediate access, exactly because we wanted to play it be ear and see what we felt up to.

Maybe you could offer to PIL- 'we don't know what to expect or how we will be feeling, so you can book a visit early on now and take a chance that you might not get to spend a lot of time with us, or we can wait and see how we all get on and possibly book something in a bit later but perhaps with a bit more time and headspace to entertain'.

That said, those early weeks are crazy and you could well be glad of a friendly face and a helping hand.

Original poster
LittleGwyneth · 22/03/2022 12:44

I think the upshot is that it's best not to make any commitments to anyone or any visitation until the baby is born. As lots of people very sensibly pointed out, things can change.

Thanks so much for the supportive comments. Probably best I don't get into replying to the people who said that I'm selfish or that they're glad I'm not their daughter in law! Suffice to say I'm trying my best here.

OP posts:
Staryflight445 · 22/03/2022 12:45

@AngelinaFibres do you have like… a driving hours card type set up or something?
Ooh you spent an extra minute with the grandchild I’m soooo devastated.

🙄

Staryflight445 · 22/03/2022 12:47

Absolutely don’t feel guilty for having your mum around op, she’s your mum. She’s there for you first and foremost.

Swipe left for the next trending thread