It's another in-laws post birth thread

[LittleGwyneth]

I have genuinely tried to find other threads to get answers to this, but couldn't find any.

Having a baby in a few weeks, via planned section - only really relevant as it means we will know the date the baby is going to be born.

We live in central London, my parents live about an hour outside of London and my siblings live about half an hour away. My DH's family live about a 4-5 hour drive away.

My MIL is a lovely, practical, kind person. But I don't know her that well. She doesn't really come to London, so in the nearly ten years I've been with my husband I've probably spent 2-3 days with her, twice a year. I like her, but it's certainly not like having a second mum. Her husband, my FIL, is not my husband's father and is fairly irritating. The type to share politically incorrect memes on Facebook.

They want to come and visit us 'as soon as possible' when the baby is born. They're very happy to stay in a hotel nearby, which is good as we won't have a spare room by the time the baby is born. My question is: AIBU to want to wait a bit?

My husband is fairly clueless on all this (and I'm absolutely no expert) so when we talked about it he suggested 'about five days' after the baby is born. To me that sounds very soon, in terms of the fact that I'll presumably be bleeding and lactating a lot.

If PIL lived an hour away they'd pop down, meet the baby, then go home, and I'd be very happy with that. But because it's a big journey and they're spending two nights in a hotel (which won't be cheap), it seems like they're going to be around a lot. And I just don't know at what point you have to put your big girl pants on and accept that there are people you don't know that well in your space, holding your baby, or whether it's fair to say look, I need a couple of weeks?

I don't want to be that woman who lets her own mum meet the baby on day 3 of life and holds off the in-laws. But equally I don't want them to travel all the way to London and then be upset that they only get to see the baby for an hour a day - or that I'm not 100% sure how I'll feel about other people holding her at that stage.

Does anyone have any insight as to when they would have been ready to have visitors? Or how many hours a day would be reasonable to expect to receive people who've made a big journey and spent money to visit you?

@WellNotReally

This thread has made me even more grateful for my wonderful DiL and SS. I'm only a step grandparent but they welcomed us into the delivery room after the birth. It was a huge honour, one we had never expected.

Whilst I wouldn't expect that from many new parents (not even my own DC!), their attitude from the start was that their new baby is fortunate to have so many people who love her in her life. The grandparent grandchild relationship can be so precious.

You can have that attitude but still wish for space after experiencing labour and birth.

Goodness me. Some absolutely appalling comments here.
Grandparents don’t need to be there instantly to form a bond.

@Staryflight445

‘ Babies at that age love a cuddle, regardless of who is giving it so you might be relieved to have your hands free for a while!’

I know there’s many women who absolutely hate this. Me included, I just wanted to bond with my baby.

What, and it's impossible to bond with your baby if you let someone else hold them for half an hour?

Genuine postnatal depression/baby blues/PTSD issues aside, this kind of attitude always strikes me as very controlling, and hiding behind 'bonding with the baby' to be like that

Personally i dont think you are being unreasonable, you may change your mind after birth, but everyone is different.

We recently had our first child and first grandchild in the family.
Post birth recovery was not simple for me. I was very unwell (no c-section) post birth and couldnt function well.
The thought of anyone visiting filled me with dread.
My mum who is local visited on day 5, literally for a couple of hours before I was wisked away back to hospital. She was happy with that. I was happy with that as I just needed my mum for a bit. DH was also very happy with this.
Inlaws live 3 hours away and would stay in a hotel. They visited in possibly week 3. They stayed with us for 2 hours and left. They did this on 2 different days.
They then didnt come back for another month and a half.

Everyone is different and will recover and bond with their baby at different rates.
I dont think its fair for people to say you are being unreasonable to wait for people to see baby. Its your shout at the end if the day, just do what is best for you as a family.

If you like your Mil and get on well with her can you be tactfully honest with her? Say that you understand that she is longing to meet her grandchild but as its a CS and your first child, you don't know how things will be and you would hate for them to make a long journey for a 30 minute visit if things haven't gone well so can you talk abiut the visit once you are home and settled. BUT I think you have to hold off your own family as well or at least say the same thing to them. If your Mil says oh one 30 minute visit over two days is fine at least you have managed her expectations. When they are there, if it all gets too much then say so....and excuse yourself and baby to bed. You haven't mentioned baby's dad but I think its really important for you to get him on board with the plan. He is your and the baby's defender.

WellNotReally

I feel very fortunate, I was with dd in labour before she left for hospital at 6 cm, then she wanted me at home for when she returned the next day - along with in laws who came round to meet baby on her return home. we all left the new family to get on with stuff but have been on hand to help with hoovering, laundry etc. to us its how families behave, get together to celebrate and roll sleeves up to help out

- Some people have said you can breastfeed discretely with nursing clothes so that shouldn’t be an issue, but if you have a baby like mine that is not the case. Every feed was a battle and I spent half the day with my boobs out and there was nothing discreet or calm about it. It was definitely not a visitor friendly activity.

I always went into a different room if I wanted to feed my babies though? I didn't find it a hardship and gave me a chance for some peace/time with the baby.

Grandparents don’t need to be there instantly to form a bond.

Exactly. By such logic, both my parents and in-laws shouldn’t have a bond with our sons whatsoever especially my father. Even though he couldn’t hug them, he calls every week since birth to talk to them so they would know his voice.

It’s actually quite normal @BellatrixOnABadDay

It’s not controlling, or a sign of PND or anything else.

A womens just gone through labour and birth, it’s quite normal to just want to sit and stare at your newborn and not wanting visitors straight away whilst you feel so protective and are adjusting.

To dictate only an hour a day is a little bit harsh.

Its not harsh to 'dictate' how long visitors can stay in your home when you're recovering from major abdominal surgery, getting to grips with having a new baby and breastfeeding and feeling vulnerable.

Op isn't an incubator there to provide them with a grandchild they must see at their leisure. She is a person, going through something pretty traumatic and not knowing how she will feel afterwards, and is, understandably, nervous about it all. Its unfair for her to be under any additional pressure due to the wants of others.

When they come over get your DH to ask that they help. So help cooking, cleaning and taking the baby out to get air and give you peace for a shower and snooze even if you can.
Your MW will likely be actively supporting your rest, mine was like a terrier lol 😆
Just be fully prepared to tell visitors they roll their sleeves up and help, also look for cues to bugger off too!

It’s funny isn’t it how not wanting to pass your newborn to others is apparently controlling or a sign of PND and you’re bonkers if you don’t want people round cuddling your newborn instantly before you’ve even got your head around it.

I’ve seen people come out of hospital and give their parents their baby for the night straight away, no one ever says that’s a sign of PND or not normal

Why isn’t it normalised that some mothers just want to remain with their baby until they feel ready to add others into the mix?

I think the only point I would make is that these people are going to to be part of yours and your daughters life for a very long time. They will love her and in my experience the more people there are in your life who love you the better. They are going to be there potentially for birthdays, concerts, Christmas and so on. So now is the time to set the tone of that relationship , it can be hostile and minimising , always assuming the worst or it can be welcoming and open and tolerant.

My MIL doesn’t always think the same about things as I do, I know I baffle her sometimes and she me. But I also know that she loves my children to bits , I will never ever forget the look on her face when she first held my eldest, the look of pure joy. She is there for them through thick and thin , she and her husband ( who incidentally is my husbands stepfather ) have been the most amazing grandparents. They enrich my children lives immensely , two more people who love them unconditionally and without all the hang ups of being their parents ! All my boys phone them and visit them independently now they are grown up, they have been a constant source of encouragement and support over the years.

A good relationship with your grandparents is an amazing thing, I know because despite my parents having a very acrimonious divorce they both worked hard to make sure we retained a strong and close relationship with our grandparents on both sides. Barely a day goes past without me thinking of one of them. It’s a precious thing that cross generational love and worth going a long way for.

The entitlement of some people @WeDontShutUpAboutBruno

@BellatrixOnABadDay

- Some people have said you can breastfeed discretely with nursing clothes so that shouldn’t be an issue, but if you have a baby like mine that is not the case. Every feed was a battle and I spent half the day with my boobs out and there was nothing discreet or calm about it. It was definitely not a visitor friendly activity.

I always went into a different room if I wanted to feed my babies though? I didn't find it a hardship and gave me a chance for some peace/time with the baby.

I suppose that depends on what kind of birth you had. It would have been quite uncomfortable for me to cart myself off to another room when he needed feeding during those first five days.

And he wanted feeding constantly, so I can’t imagine it would have been a very satisfactory visit if the baby was removed from the room half the time!

YANBU OP, minimum 2 weeks so you are feeling more yourself and the hormones have straightened out again. It’s all very well people saying you might be grateful for someone else to hold them but that first couple of weeks is all about you 3 bonding, and if you’re BF that time is crucial for initiating and establishing a milk supply, especially after a c section.

@Peaseblossum22 how is that anyway relevant to when a grandparent gets their first cuddle?

@Staryflight445

It’s funny isn’t it how not wanting to pass your newborn to others is apparently controlling or a sign of PND and you’re bonkers if you don’t want people round cuddling your newborn instantly before you’ve even got your head around it.

I’ve seen people come out of hospital and give their parents their baby for the night straight away, no one ever says that’s a sign of PND or not normal

Why isn’t it normalised that some mothers just want to remain with their baby until they feel ready to add others into the mix?

But I'd say it's not that normal tbh- yes I felt a bit of a pang when others wanted to hold my babies but I realised that I wasn't the only person who wanted to hold them. Where do you draw the line then- should babies' dad not hold the baby too then? If absolutely no one else should be holding the baby? Why does it matter if it's baby's dad or another family member?

Btw I wouldn't say it's normal to want to leave a brand new baby overnight either- it's not one or the other.

A kind YABU. I’m not sure on why you’re anxious about people holding your baby, or whether this is now normal post covid, but my parents and in-laws came to the hospital to meet baby after my c sections and all held them.

@KiwiDramaQueen same for me. I could barely get upstairs my iron was so low (81)

@VainAbigail

That's their grandchild, and their son's baby

they are equal grandparents

These two statements I totally agree with.

My grandson was born exactly a week ago. We weren't allowed to go into the hospital because of covid rules. My DIL had had a cesarean after labouring for a day. She was very pale and exhausted so we waited until my son invited us on the Thursday. Baby was born early hours of Monday morning. We only stayed for an hour. We offered to go after half an hour but she was happy for us to stay for the hour It was one if the most special moments of my life. We had had lots of watts app videos in the previous days but holding him was mind blowing. I love my children but I have never felt anything like the rush of love I feel for that little boy. They are his grandparents. They want to see him .Don't make them wait 5 days. That's a lifetime when there is a newborn to see. We went yesterday for an hour. They will play an important role in his life. Let them share the first precious days.

OP NRFT but both sets of parents live away from us and we live in a very touristy place meaning accommodation books up quickly and we only had a due date to go on.

My parents stayed in self-catering accommodation to see GC booked for 2 weeks after due date. PIL came 3 weeks after due date. It was fine because they weren't staying with us.

Be aware that just because you've got a date for a planned c-section there are no guarantees it will take place that day. If emergencies c-sections come along they will take priority. My friend's c-section ended up being 5 days later than she thought it would be

@starrynight because if you treat people as if they are going to be a problem from day one , and these PIL seem to have done all the right things si far; booking a hotel , not beating down the door of the hospital etc then you might hurt them and that will set the tone of the relationship. If the tone is that you are a problem then it’s hard to get over that.

Also you don't know if there are going to be complications. I would allow a buffer period to be honest

The point is that if a women isn’t ready for visitors, she shouldn’t be forced to have them.

Mothers need to put themselves first. So many women say they wish they had time to themselves and made that boundary.

I wish I did with my first, I allowed my mil there in the delivery room, and all she did was use me as gossip after a traumatic birth.
She was incredibly insensitive too by coming into our home and demanding our baby. ‘give me my granddaughter’

Some in-laws are not respectful, same for mothers parents.
Women shouldn’t have to be faced with this prospect until they’re ready.

You can’t outline boundary’s when you’re feeling vulnerable after birth.

Op if you are going to keep people away then keep everyone, bar your husband away. It is not fair to let your parents hold the baby and spend time with him/her but expect the other grandparents to stay away. That is cruel